So, let's see - I'm male, gay, 34, and married my wife about 11 years ago. She was my one and only girlfriend - we were high school sweethearts since freshman year. (I was tricked into it.) I was called various names in high school, but just thought people were being mean, and didn't figure out who I really am until college. Sadly by then I cared too much to want to hurt her, and I didn't know how to get out, no support network, nothing. One thing led to another, we got married, even had kids. She knew back then, I had a co-worker who was out and tried to get me into his bed. I wish I could have taken him up on it, looking back. Even when I pushed off having sex she could complain that I wished she was a man. I formally "came out" back in 2009, although my parents-in-law don't know yet. It's pretty obvious - I don't hide it very well anymore. That said, my MIL will flip - everyone who knows about me and know her all agree. Even my FIL might, no one's sure how he'll take it. I've got a few years before my kids are old enough that I have to explain to them. One thing that my wife insists on - I can look, but I can't touch. Of any kind. I don't know how long this rule of hers will last. It's just not reasonable - I get the whole monogamy part, but I'm gay, it's not going away, and it hurts me to not be able to be intimate with another guy. I forced myself to have sex with her when it finally got to be too much for me - "any port in a storm" kind of thing. But shortly after I came out, I said enough's enough. I guess I'm lucky (or unlucky) that a cutie hasn't come to work here who was attracted to me - sometimes it would be really hard to say no. So, I'm hoping to find others like me, even if only vaguely. The old curse, "May you live in interesting times" seems to apply to me too much for my comfort!
Hi, and welcome to EC. Please take with a grain of salt Corporal Sparks' remark... I think people who haven't been in your situation fail to understand the complexity of the situation when kids, wife, inlaws and so forth are involved. Most of the people I've known in your situation take quite some time to sort it out. I do think that your wife may, in a way, be in sort of a place of denial; by keeping up the facade of the marriage, and forcing you to stay monogamous, she can, at some unconsicous level, pretend that maybe at some point you'll give up on guys and come back to her. Not saying that's a conscious response, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's what's happening. I strongly recommend you get a copy of "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" by Joe Kort. The book is really poorly named; it's less about finding real love and more about finding yourself and understanding your issues. There are several chapters that deal specifically with heterosexually married gay men and the special issues they face, and I think you'll find it very helpful. There's a large print edition available from Amazon, the regular edition is out of print but can usually be found used at bookfinder.com. And I would also suggest that you consider getting into therapy. It isn't healthy to continue to maintain this facade, and it sounds like there may be some difficulty with your wife in changing it to a healthier relationship, or slowly shifting it to where it likely eventually needs to go. I wouldn't worry too much about the kids; kids are remarkably resilient and as long as it's introduced appropriately, they should have no problem with it. I hope you'll stick around and continue to read and contribute. If you'd like to talk with me or with any of the other advisor team in a less public setting, we're available for you
Hi and welcome to EC I am sorry you're in such a difficult situation with your wife. Hopefully, the members on EC who had been in the same situation are going to help you. I would second Chip suggestion about starting a therapy for yourself, and if possible for you wife. This would hopefully help you to both move on from your current situation without tearing you appart. Here is a link to a Pflag booklet that might be helpful to your wife : http://www.pflag.org/fileadmin/user_upload/Publications/Straight_Spouse.pdf I hope this could help a little. Take care and see you around Cécile
It is complex - I still care for her, I want to have a family, I love my kids, and we don't have the money for me to split - I'd like 60% of my income and neither of us could afford the mortgage on that. Also, having kids I don't have the time to get out, meet friends (or that special someone). She isn't in denial about me being gay (thank G-d) but I think she is in denial about me needing intimacy with another man - I think she thinks I can just be celibate, and I don't think that's a long-term solution for me.
This seems to be a rather pitiful situation, I hope you don't take offense. I feel sorry for you, your wife, and especially are children. Personally, I struggle with understanding how such a relationship can work. If you two are happy, I suppose that's what should matter, but don't you wonder about what you're missing out on? No doubt you two care about each other--even love each other--but how would that love compare if you found a man you liked? Like I said, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just curious how this works.
I'm in a similar situation in that i am married and not out at all (only to a couple friends) but at least you are being honest and have face some important realities
Hi there and welcome to EC! It's great that you've found this site. I was where you are about 4.5 years ago - more or less. I'd finally come to the realization that I was gay in my mid 30s, and I'm afraid I wasn't faithful (so I commend you for that). In our case, it was me who didn't want to end our marriage, but it was my wife you decided that she couldn't stay with me not knowing if I was happy, and not knowing if I was being faithful. So she pulled the trigger and we separated. For us money wasn't an issue - thankfully. There were adjustments that needed to be made - we couldn't keep our house either and neither of us would have been able to carry it. So we both moved into smaller (nice, comfortable) places. Kids ARE resilient. They had other friends whose parents were divorced, and they adjusted. A couple of years later was when I told them I was gay. My orientation wasn't identified to them at the time we split - it wasn't necessary. They were 3 and 5 at the time. BUT as I got more comfortable with my orientation, and integrated it into other aspects of my life, I wanted to tell my kids so that I could then come out to a broader group of people and not fear that my kids would learn about me from someone else. I was also seeing someone by then and hated the fact that I was hiding him from them. So I came out, and introduced them to my boyfriend, and his kids, and it's been a non-issue for them. They love my boyfriend, and they're excited about being in our wedding in 2 weeks time. My ex wife remarried as well last year. She's with someone who loves her in a way that I wasn't ever able to. I still love her, don't get me wrong. And she loves me. We're best friends and strongest supporters, and we're doing our best to raise our daughters the best way we know how. She and her husband will be attending our wedding, as we attended theirs. So there are other options available for you. What I fear is that you're prolonging the inevitable, and in the mean time neither you nor your wife are very happy. And if you're not happy, your kids aren't really happy either, even if they still live with their mommy and daddy. I believe my kids are better off for us having split than if we'd tried to stay together - despite the turmoil that it has caused in their life. That's been my experience anyway. Get a counsellor to help you work through this. It was the best money I ever spent. I credit him with saving my life, because things got pretty dark and hopeless for a while for me. He's coming to my wedding too!
I understand completely what you're going through. I've been married for 16 years to a wonderful man. I have known all my life that I was gay. I married him to convince myself I wasn't. It's too overwhelming to think to just come out to him. He'd freak, I'm sure. Plus, the reality of the situation is the same as you. Finances, established friends, etc. This site has been very helpful for me. I wish you luck and hope everything works out.
Indeed - this has taken much longer than I thought it would. She always wanted sex far more often than I did, so I expected that with no sex she'd crack, but so far she seems to have adapted to abstinence much better than I have! She seems happy, although I wish she would get out more and socialize more, but she was never very social in the first place. I'm the one who's getting unhappy and stir-crazy. Personally, I hope to try getting the ball rolling again soon, I'm going to try to make some male friends (all of my friends are women, and while I appreciate their friendship, I need guy friends to help balance things out), get out some more, and then see if I can push her in the right direction. Apart from this mess, we have a great situation at home. We have a townhome by the school we want our kid to go to, I make enough money for us to get by, finally paid off my car, slowly paying down the credit cards. If I leave or if we split, she'd probably have to move in with her family, so the kids would have to go to a crappy school, the house would be foreclosed as it's underwater (what isn't these days?), and I don't have much of a support system in state anymore. Financially things would SUCK. Her family, who I'm closer to than my own, would disown me - mother-in-law is very Catholic. They'd also be pretty pissed with me if she did have to move back in with them - they really like having the house to themselves again after 20+ years of kids. I think if she could just open things up a bit, let me have the time to make friends, pay down our debt and maybe socialize more on her own, we could be in a better place in 3-5 years to work on separating. What would be awesome is if I could find someone local who went through with this, talk with them in person. I went to a local group for awhile when my second kid was a newborn, but she hated me taking time for myself (understandable with a newborn, to be honest) and in the end pressured me to stop going. Not that too many guys there were in my situation - many were either much older than me and didn't have kids in the house, or were never married and were just now figuring out who they were and why they'd never wanted to get married to a woman. And sadly therapy/counseling is not cheap - many don't even deal with insurance anymore as it's not worth it, and I can't throw $300 a month at a therapist right now.
Ah - OK. I'm sorry if I seemed insensitive around the issue of money. I know I'm very fortunate here to be in the position that I'm in. Real estate in Canada hasn't experienced the same kind of bubble and bust that you have in the US. When we sold our place 4.5 years ago it had appreciated by about $180K in the 5 years we'd been in it. Nothing at all like what you're experiencing. It does sound like you need to have a talk about this with your wife and let her know how you're feeling. I know sometimes it's dangerous to 'open up that can of worms' again but it sounds like you need to establish a 'new normal' if you're going to maintain your sanity. See about attending that group again, or something else like it. See if there are any PFLAG meetings near you and get to one of those. Everyone will be supportive and understanding and you'd have new people to talk to. You can certainly hang out here too, and have us help you through things. There are lots of people willing to offer up advice.
