Note to BF

Okay, so I've been seeing this guy since the end of March. While things started off amazing, recently he's grown distant. I wrote him this note this morning, and I'm wavering between delivering it or not. I'd appreciate any feedback; thanks!

{Bf},

I'm not sure how to say what I need to say. You've been telling me for the last couple of weeks that if something has been bothering me, for me to say it- as thats the only way you'll know. In theory, this is me doing that. But in reality, I feel like all of what I'm about to say has already been said and expressed, and all I'm doing is placing a nail in the coffin. In the end, I'll just say that I hope we stay together, but I'm leaving that up to you.

You've become unaffectionate. Maybe its that you spoilt me in the beginning, but I feel as whereas you once were loving, now you're distant. I understand that as a relationship progresses, the inital giddy period wears off and the shits & giggles becomes sparse. But we've yet to be dtaing three months, and I still feel as if I recieve almost no affection at all from you. I'll give you a smidge of credit for trying (a little) the last two days I was with you, but I need more than what you've been offering. We used to hold hands all the time. We used to kiss the first time we saw each other, every day without fail. You used to kiss me before you left for work in the mornings. You used to actually make a move on me for sex, without me having to beg you for even the smallest bit of contact. You used to enjoy making me wither and moan, that touch of sadist in you enjoyale to us both. We even used to cuddle for hours, watch movies together, and just enjoy our time alone.

Now it seems like there's no chemistry between us at all. You break every kiss, if I manage it, a second after our lips contact. Forget about making out; it seems like I'm bothering you just when I try to lock lips. Aside that one time the other night at Dennys (I was shocked there), yo haven't tried to hold my hand at all. We never kiss in greeting, and you never even say goodbye to me, much less kiss me goodbye. Your idea of sex is appearently 2 minutes of touching and then jacking off, with no foreplay or kissing anymore. I bascially had to beg you for more the other night, and even then you seemed unhappy with it in the end. And even though we've barely been dating for a little less than three months, we've settled into a rut that you're happy with. Our usual shedule is to stay out past three or four, playing wow, and then go back and go straight to sleep. Or, if I'm lucky, I get to psychically molest you for some-odd minutes before finally being given a bone and you respond to me.

You're emotionally cold. I've poured my heart out to you a number of times and I get nothing in return. You're almsot impossible tot alk to, since all you say is that everything backfires against you. There have been several times where I've been upset to the point where I've literally cried, and your only reaction has been to sit there in silence. Once, you awkwardly placed a hand on my side, in an attempt to soothe me or so you claim. I was the one who took your arm and placed it around me that night, and that is the truth.

There was one night where I was upset to the point where there was literally points where I was crying several times in bed, and that I knew you were awake and yet took no step to figure out what was wrong. I sent you several text messages later that morning, and for hours I waited to see what you'd say back. Your response? To ask me what I was doing; I had to be the one to speak up and say we needed to talk. You're so emotionally closed off that its impossible to speak to you and get anywhere. For someone who so genuinely said they didn't want to hurt me, you do it quite well.

I'll also add in that I put myself out there time after time for you. I'm always the one who goes in for the kiss, even when I get rejected a number of times. I'm also the one to say I love you through all this. I can't even remember the last time you've spoken those words to me. <3 is not the same and doesn't count.

Finally, you're unresponsive. Despite all our talks and conversations, very little has changed. We still go through the same motions, still the same old song and dance. I told you almost a week ago that I was ready for more, and yet it was upon me to go out and get the stuff that would be needed. A waste now, sadly. I've told you my fears and what upsets me, and yet you still go about doing things the same way- case in point this morning, where you were ever so subtle by turning over to be out of my reach. Is it that you just don't like me touching you or what? I don't understand anymore- we're two young, healthy gay guys- our libidos are supposed to be sky-high. You once said you couldn't help but touch me- that I was "a cute gay guy in your bed, so you'd have to be turned on." Now it seems like you want nothing to do with me. What changed?

I know I said sex wasn't important, but thats a lie. I'm a physical guy; I need my partner to show me affection by touch and caress the same way you need it verbally. Which I totally try to do, btw. I tell you that you're amazing and and you're loved every day. Not that I'm keeping track or anything, that is. Sex is a healthy part of a healthy relationship, and from our sex lives, I can only say our relationship isn't healthy.

So there it is. Exactly what I think and how I feel. I wanna say that I'm still madly in love with you, but truth be told, all of this has had a damning effect on my feelings. I still love you, but it's gotten to the point where I feel exhausted all the time and it's like trying to keep the roof from collapsing. I'm doing my best, but it's gonna take you too to keep it up. I've decided that I've come to the point where the status of our relationship isn't up to me- its up to you. Either you sit down genuinely with me and we talk about how we can fix these problems- and you actually tell me what's bothering you other than my apparent lack of ambition in the retail world- or we can call it quits.

Don't take me wrong- I'd be very upset if we broke up. Heart-broken. I've never felt half as much for anyone as I have for you, but it gets to the point where it'd be better for me to be sad alone than be sad with you.

 

But that's the thing; that's not him. To start off, he sought me- he spent three months trying to convince me to date him, even though at the time I wasn't interested in being in a relationship. After I finally agreed to go out with him, he was amazing- attentive, fun, spontaneous, and affectionate. He pretty much led the relationship, up until three or four weeks ago when he did a sudden 180. Which is why the whole communication thing is there- whatever's going on, he refuses to talk about and I'm left in the dark. I'm not needy nor dramatic, but when it feels like you're carrying an entire relationship alone, it doesn't give you the butterflys-in-the-stomach feeling anymore.

 

Hello good peoples; everything pretty much went down last night. After coming over to visit him again, things went down an odd path: despite having the entire house to ourselves, he porceeded to play backgammon (on his phone) for an hour, before inviting his friend over, the whole time ignoring me. This went to a boil-over point where he dragged his friend into another room to talk (and shut the door, so I couldn't be involved); after which I decided that I had enough.

I wrote him a brief note explaining why I was leaving and what he had done to provoke it, and took his ring off and placed it (along with the note) on the coffee table. Out the door I went without a word, and I left. I didn't hear at all from him for the remeinder of the night; oddly enough it was a somewhat mutual friend (way more his than mine) that got in touch with me and attempted to get me to come back, so that he (the mutual friend) could explain the way things were.

I eventually relented and went back over to talk. The entire talk boiled down to him wanting a no-contact relationship. He didn't want any kissing, hugging, having sex, or any form of affection at all between us. His idea of expressing love was to sit around me and spend time with me, or as I took it, to tolerate being with me. He basically admitted that the previous two months were a facade that he put on at a previous bf's suggestion, and that he was tired of the act and that I should be totally okay just sitting on the opposite side of a room from him. That and being privalged to sleep in his bed, facing away fom each other and not touching.

At this point, I don't know whether its prudeint to keep trying. In all means, I feel as I should break up with him. He's unwilling to comprimise with me, so the relationship (if continued) would almost guaranteed to be unsatisfactory for me. The mutual friend brought up the idea of an open relationship, but I don't think I could ever get used to that. Besides the point that if I'm getting what I need from someone else, there would be no point to stay with him.

At this point, we've agreed to take a day apart to come up with a list of what we need from each other. If we feel like we can comprimise, then he thinks we should go ahead. If not, then we should break up. I'm personally beyond confused by the whole situation- I've never heard of someone who thinks of a relationship entirely outside of contact.

Thoughts?