What Are You Thinking?

even though i'm 25 years old, i'm starting to realize that time is flying by and that i'm getting old. with that said, i'm starting to realize that somewhere along the road between 13 and now, i fucked up big time which is why i'm at where i'm at now. i should be having the time of my life. why am i all down in the dumps? i deserve better than this. it's getting time to let that unnecessary weight in my life go. i no longer feel like being surrounded by people that are miserable as me when i'm already miserable myself. i'm trying to be happy like siku in my avatar. it's time that i free myself from this though.

with that said, i'm looking for a way out in general. not just out the closet but out of this hole that i'm in.

 

My car broke down, I have no idea what caused it and right now I can't afford to get it repaired. I know it's the ultimate first world problem but no longer having a car (even if it's for a week) feels like a big loss of freedom

 

Spring can be so beautiful, but not when it causes your eyes and throat to swell up. Then its heinous. Heinous like that damn wasp that won't stop following you around the yard. D:

 

Today feels like Monday. And Mondays do not feel great.

 

I got my NTS less than one day after I applied. Amazing.

Today's the day I relax. Tomorrow, I shall begin studying (again).

 

It definitely does.

But there's just three more days of classes for me until the weekend again, so that's a plus for sure.

 

No class tomorrow!!

 

So...I'm watching this movie called Mulligan (Mulligans?), and it's extremely awkward. xD Basically an American version of David's Birthday (a LOT better, in my opinion), but with a different plot, crappy acting, and......awkwardness. xD

 

I'm completely losing my childhood. I've always wanted to grow up, but now all I want to do is to crawl into a hole and cry. It's not even a specific event that brought me to this, it's just depression in general. I can't be carefree anymore. I can't have fun at all. I'm trapped in darkness. And why the hell is my OCD acting up again? I thought for sure that I'd managed to at least weaken its hold on me, but now everything eats away at me and I'm finding more and more things to be obsessed with. And not necessarily neatness, either. People - celebrities, people I admire, they just can't leave my head. I end up eating myself alive over everything. I put on a fake smile and go about my day, but in reality I'm dying inside. Everything I do seems like a mistake. I'm not in control of ANYTHING. I don't even like myself. I can't even bring myself to tell my therapist because my parents hover in the room to listen to what I have to say. My mom doesn't even like me; I went shopping for my aunt/sister's [she's my aunt but like a sister] easter present all Saturday and all I got was a video game that my dad really wanted and is currently playing. I'm in over my head with school, my mother stalks the website my grades are posted on, and she expects me to go to Harvard, Yale, or Brown. I don't even want to go there! She has no faith in me as a human being and just wants to live through me. She doesn't care about the effect it has on me. I can't sleep at night. I want to cry, but I can't produce tears. I hate myself.

I want to escape reality, but I'm afraid of the horrors my mind can bring up.

 

Damn. Santorum isn't the Republican candidate. He is the one person who I felt didn't stand a ghost of a chance at beating President Obama.

 

Well, to be fair, we all thought W didn't stand a chance against Gore, and Reagan was a joke. Each one won two terms. Don't underestimate the ability of the American people to shoot themselves in the foot.

Once people finally get some sense knocked in them and realize that Romney is an opportunist who doesn't seem to have any guiding principles other than the will to do anything it takes to win elections, Obama should have a fairly good chance. Unfortunately, I don't see that happening.

 

So glad Santorum dropped out. I couldn't stand that guy.

I will no doubt be voting for Romney in November.

 

So..it appears American politics have just heated up.

 

14 days of classes left.

Summer. I can almost taste it.

 

Working on an explication of The Crying of Lot 49 for my English class, and I'm trying to forge a week's worth of food diary entries for my health class. I'm feeling so burnt out on school these days. I have no motivation to do anything. It seems so pointless when I'm actually working in my career field already.

Like, for example, today I was pulling random probationers from the hallway outside the office because I was practicing the old-school saliva swab drug tests, you have to use a dropper for those and I had never done it before. As I was practicing I busted one of our probationers for using and selling heroin and smuggling in somebody's urine to pass her pee tests, all because she failed the saliva swab I gave her. She got arrested and now she won't be back on the streets again until after Thanksgiving. It was my first arrest that was entirely my catch and I'm really proud of it. ^_^

So who cares about Thomas Pynchon and what I ate last week? It's so stupid. I have this week, next week, and then I have finals the week after that and then my junior year is over and it can't come quickly enough.

 

Le sigh...

It is so hard trying to meet people.

 

After four months of not having a clue what time it is, I finally got a new watch!

 

I know what you mean, and for me I work at a place with a bunch of 40+ people so that does not help to meet people ....

 

I am think about how to stay positive about a job offer I got today. It the first time that I had time had time to process it.

 

Working on a 10 page paper that is 95% complete and due tomorrow...and my computer randomly shuts down. Fortunately nothing was lost. I may have become excessively violent if I had lost all that work.