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It's all too much for me

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Fairybread, May 6, 2011.

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  1. Fairybread

    Fairybread
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    Everythings getting too much for me to cope with. The depression, the stress, everything. I don't know how to deal with it. I have so many bad memories, of sexual abuse, bullying... I've been bullied almost nonstop for twelve years now. And each year it gets worse because each year they get older, drive the blows deeper. And I am getting to the point were I just can't cope. I really need to talk to someone, but right now I don't know who my friends are, because none of them seem to care. I don't know what to do; I hate feeling this alone..

    My depressions getting worse, I feel an ever increasing need to self harm again. But, I'm scared that if my mum finds out that i did again, she'll flip out, like she did when I told her. I feel like there's no point in living. Yes, I am probably slightly suicidal. But maybe it wouldn't be so bad if only there was someone, anyone, that cared. And right now, I'm questioning everything. Who I am, where I belong, the point of living.

    Even my younger sisters bully me in a way. Earlier I was trying to do homework (a major stressor thing) and my sister started hitting and kicking me.

    I really can't cope right now, and after writing this post, Im crying. I have incredibly low self esteem, and believe myself to be fat, useless, ugly, a failure, stupid, etc etc... The only part of me I like is my eyes.

    I don't think I'm a bad person, I don't think I've done anything to deserve this, but everything happens for a reason... I hate every part of me.


    Sorry this is so long... And sorry if it doesn't make much sense. I just really need to talk... I know I do. And I'm working towards making an appt with a counsellor. I'm trying to find the number...

    Please, :help: me :frowning2: I'm a mess.
     
    #1 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  2. Foxywolf

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    Don't worry you've got the whole EC team at your back. You are not alone. We care what happens to you.
    I don't know much about bullying, because bullying isn't really a problem in our school. Do you know if you could join a GSA or gay youth group or something? Those help. Also going to a psychiatrist or counselor can be good just so you can talk to someone and tell them everything you're feeling. Sometimes it helps just to talk about your feelings.
    I'm so sorry you're hurting right now, but things DO get better, you just have to keep holding on.
     
    #2 Foxywolf, May 6, 2011
  3. Fairybread

    Fairybread
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    I've never heard of a GSA in nz, and the nearest gay youth group is overan hours drive away... I've been bullied my entire life.. And thankyou for reading and replying to that
     
    #3 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  4. snackcake

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    Hey girl...I know how you feel. Today is not the day to be blue. It's Friday! Get out. Go for a walk. Do something for you. Let's see how I can help. Be right back!
    SC

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2011 at 04:19 AM ----------

    K...True story...
    1. I had a young family friend who had not come out to us yet but we knew ever since he was in 5th grade. We spent time around him and he would talk about his "baby" and his "boo" but he never indicated the sex. Well my son who was about five at the time blurted out "So is your "boo" a guy?" I ALMOST DIED!!!! I gave him the most intense look. He was supposed to be quiet but instead he yelled out "What? I'm just asking. I want to know." I was sooooo embarrassed but a few years later I talked about it with my friend and he said he really respected my son for just asking and not assuming. Turned out okay I guess.

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2011 at 04:27 AM ----------

    Still there? Story #2
    We recently had severe storms in our area and we had to take shelter in the middle of the night. The next day when I pick my son up from school he said,I love you Mommy. Last night was fun..except for the spinning, twirling funnel of death...yeah, that was kinda scary. But otherwise it was fun having all of my family around me. Are you feeling any better yet???? I am a little bit. It's hard to see a little light when everything seems so dark but sometimes these little things come along and give just a little spark. I hope it did for you, Fairybread!
     
    #4 snackcake, May 6, 2011
  5. Fairybread

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    It's Saturday morning here... And I'm about ready to give up.
     
    #5 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  6. snackcake

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    Don't give up!!!! I've got more stories!

    ---------- Post added 6th May 2011 at 04:32 AM ----------

    What time is it? My other posts added to the first one so you have to go back and read.
     
    #6 snackcake, May 6, 2011
  7. TraceElement

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    Hey, I've been there too. Please don't do what I did and suffer by yourself and not get help. Try and go and find a psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, teacher, whatever and let them know what's been going on. You should not have to be bullied on a daily basis. Habe you talked to your principal about the bullying?
    It may not seem like it, but it DOES get better.
     
    #7 TraceElement, May 6, 2011
  8. Fairybread

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    I've talked to the teacher, the deans... But, I've given up now cos it's so big. They can deal with one incident, but then there's always another.. Different people...
     
    #8 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  9. snackcake

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    Isn't school almost over? I know it not the solution but maybe at least it will give you a little time to gather the troops and come up with a plan of action before next term. How did you rest?
     
    #9 snackcake, May 6, 2011
  10. Fairybread

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    Its the start of term two.... And not well...
     
    #10 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  11. snackcake

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    :icon_sad: I'm sorry. What do you have planned for today??? Have you eaten anything, yet? We're getting ready for dinner. Pizza, maybe. Soccer tomorrow:eusa_danc Do you play any sports?
     
    #11 snackcake, May 6, 2011
  12. Fairybread

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    I just got back from training, but I'm not enjoying it as much
     
    #12 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  13. Lexington

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    What did your GP say?

    Lex
     
    #13 Lexington, May 6, 2011
  14. stageone

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    What are you training for?
    I'm sorry you are going through this right now. "It gets better" is not just a slogan- seriously. Being 16 can really suck. It won't be many years before you realize how little other people's comments matter. And before they realize what a bunch of dicks they were. Do what you have to to get through safely (not self-harming). Find an outlet (the more the better! EC is one.) Find someone to talk to in real life. Talk to us too- we want to be here for you.
    When does this term end? I was a complete reject through high school. It was as much about how I saw myself than it was about how other people saw me. I was suicidal... Anyway, this isn't about me. Just sayin' I get it and hope you come through the other side of it soon.
     
    #14 stageone, May 6, 2011
  15. Fairybread

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    I haven't seen him in about a month

    ---------- Post added 7th May 2011 at 01:34 PM ----------
    Training for canoe polo. Not as enjoyable as it used to be... No one in real life wants to talk to me...

    Tern ends in ten weeks. Unfortunately.
     
    #15 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  16. snackcake

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    Well...do you feel a little better? I'm glad you didn't just sit around. Even though your training isn't as enjoyable, you didn't say it was terrible.

    BTW, thanks for helping me get through the day. I hope you feel better soon!
    SC
     
    #16 snackcake, May 6, 2011
  17. Fairybread

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    Thanks snackcake, I don't really feel much better tbh... I just wish that one night when I o to bed I didn't wake again... I just can't be bothered living, I just get through each day, it's like a never ending blur.
     
    #17 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  18. Mogget

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    Having talked with you already about some of this, I honestly can only think of one solution to your problem: go to the hospital. Tell them you're feeling suicidal and let them take you to their psychiatric ward. You'll be placed under surveillance and monitored, get therapy which you desperately need, potentially be given medication, and be put in touch with resources to help you out. Your mom will probably freak and claim you're just doing it for attention, just like she did when you were hurting yourself, but you won't meet with her alone, there'll be a counselor or psychiatrist there too who is used to parents being assholes about this stuff. If there isn't a hospital nearby, call your emergency services hotline (it's 911 in the States, dunno what it is in NZ). Since getting a phone is a difficult area, you should probably just tell a teacher that you're suicidal and have them get you to the hospital.

    I wish I could think of other options, but given your family situation, I'm not sure there are any :frowning2:
     
    #18 Mogget, May 6, 2011
  19. Fairybread

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    There is a hospital in my city... But I can't get there, not by myself anyway. I have no way to get there, plus I have a strange fear of bein judged... Idk, I would, but I don't have that strength anymore... Right now I'm being pulled through life like a fish caught on a fishhook. When I leave the water there are two options. Live, or die. Like a fish, im trying to fight against what's happening. Like a fish, I have no control over what happens in the air.

    (and for future reference, our emergency thingy is 111)

    I don't want to hurt people with my actions, but no matter what I do someone hurts...
     
    #19 Fairybread, May 6, 2011
  20. Lexington

    Lexington
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    >>>I haven't seen him in about a month

    Then I have nothing to add.

    Lex
     
    #20 Lexington, May 6, 2011
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