Hi everyone. I came on here a couple months ago really confused and freaked out after spontaneously coming out (for the first time outside of counseling) to one of my friends and then disappeared for a while. Well, I'm happy to say that I've recovered completely from that and really want to move forward and "actually" come out to the rest of my friends, and then hopefully my parents. I haven't discussed it a lot with that one friend, but I know she hasn't forgotten and I have brought it up a couple times just in passing. I'm also pretty much out online (not Facebook, but anonymously, like on other forums and stuff). A few months ago I was having a hard time accepting that I am gay and I think I was hoping against hope for an easy solution, which of course doesn't exist. Now, I'm becoming way more comfortable thinking of myself as a gay man and it's getting seriously difficult to continue "playing straight" and lying about who I think is attractive and so forth. I just want to be honest. Get rid of that load. The trouble is, I have no idea how to even go about coming out. My first time was so sudden and, frankly, a little mentally disastrous. I mean how do I find "the right moment" and how do I word it and how do I even bring it up? I don't expect there to be set things for me to say, but maybe you all can give me at least a little guidance. Thanks so much!
Hey, I think it's different for each person. If you haven't already done so, read over some of the coming out stories here. There's a lot of good info there and some very different approaches... everything from sending a letter or an email, writing a letter and reading it in front of the person you're coming out to, leaving not-so-subtle hints around, changing your facebook status... it may be different things for different people you come out to, and it may be that you find an entirely different approach that works for you. The main thing is... remember that you're in no rush. I do think that most everyone feels nervous and has to push themselves a bit to get over the first hump of telling someone, but once you tell the first person, it is usually easier to tell others. After you get an idea of what approach you want to take, feel free to ask for suggestions or comments on your ideas. There are a lot of people here with great input (based on experience) and I'm sure you'll get the knowledge and confidence to make it happen in a way that best suits your situation. Please keep us informed!!
Chip is right. It really depends on the person and the situation. However, I might start with some people you think would be pretty supportive and kind of build yourself a safety net of people, so when you have to come out to people that might not react as well, you will have some back up. It sounds like you have kind of already built some what of a support group online (like here at EC) which is great. And as Chip said, you can come out through letters, emails, face-to-face conversations. And you can mix it up and use different techniques with different people. When I was coming out, I kind of preferred the face to face convos because you can read their reaction better and you can encourage them to ask questions, and they can see how you feel too. However, I definitely think there are benefits to the other techniques. People I wasn't as close to I would tell online (fb or something) or a would casually bring it up with bigger groups of people. Then you get to knock a whole bunch of people off your list at once. Think about what would work best with each person, but most importantly, think about what will work best for you. I wish you the best of luck
Thanks for your input, guys. I came out to the guy I'm planning on rooming with next year like fifteen minutes ago. He's straight, but he actually lived with a gay guy fall semester this year. I just said, "Hey, so if we're going to live together, you should probably know that I'm gay" and he said "Really?" and I said "Yeah, I know it doesn't mean anything or change anything, but I just want you to be aware," and he said "Okay, that's great" and that was it. I feel way better now than I did after my first time coming out. Now it feels like so much more of a relief. I'm so happy I'm moving closer to being able to be open and relaxed and not pretend I think this person is attractive and this person isn't. Good day.
oh wow, thats great that your roomie is cool like that, as for everyone else, follow your own timeline, it gets easier the more people you've come out to, I still have great aunts who don't know, not that I hide it from them, i just never made a point of telling them =P
I hope so. When we were walking back to our building last night, he said he was actually kind of relieved, because he really wanted to ask this girl out (incidentally, the first person I came out to) and he thought we might have a thing.
Welcome to EC Steel03, what Chip says is really good, read over other peoples posts. Even if their situation is very different from your own, there are tons of ways to go about coming out. Some humorous and some just shy of disasterous. Congratz on coming out to your future roomie. As for everyone else on your 'list', take your time, there really is no rush (but I do know the urgency that you can feel once you've come out to yourself). Practice coming out in front of the mirror if you think that you will have difficulty with the words/phrasing (sounds corny...but it works).
Wow, you are very lucky to have such and accepting room mate. That said, I would happen to agree with what Chip has said. As with many things there are many pathways to approaching your desired goal's. The Facebook status is a good idea, and quite frankly I never had thought of that. But there are some more formal ways that you could consider doing it. If you want to do in person then it might be a good idea to take some friends out for some coffee or something and tell them there. Something you could do would be to just tell people that you are just "not straight" and if they ask any more then just tell them, you are gay, or are at least almost certain that you are. Try and consider that coming out is for your own benefit not anyone else's. You can go at your own pace, and your own comfort level. It might work out for some people to come out to large or small groups of people at a time, however that is not you. You should in this process also remember to be considerate of yourself, and how you are feeling. If things are becoming over whelming then you should contact your counselor and discuss things with them. The last thing I would like to add to this long winded reply is that each time you come out it becomes much easier. Eventually the idea of being a gay man will no longer bother you, and you will be comfortable being open around just about everyone. That said, you should be taking baby steps, and making sure you are provided for the entire time. Physically, emotionally, and by the support of others. Best of wishes,
