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Confused?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Crypt, Nov 27, 2010.

  1. Crypt

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    I'm 20 years old and I'm not in college.

    I accepted that I was gay a few weeks ago. I've only came out to my aunt who's a lesbian and she's gave me nothing but support. I feel like I'm the straightest gay person I know if that makes sense. Sometimes I fear that I look too straight to the point where no one will confront me. I'm extremely introverted so that doesn't help much either.

    Also at work before I accepted my sexuality when attractive guys came in it was nothing to me ... now when they do it feels so overwhelming. Is that normal?
     
  2. Revan

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    COMPLETELY NORMAL! First off, congratulations on coming to terms with yourself, and coming out to your aunt who, while you knew she's accept you, you still came out to a family member which is a big thing, so I applaud you :grin:.

    Now as for the being straightest gay person you know, don't worry about it. You just came out my friend, I think right now you should work on coming out rather than trying to get a boyfriend. I know that you might read around the site people having boyfriends while still closeted, but it can lead to difficulty especially if the other guy is out. (Not saying it will, but it can). Like I said though, I suggest working on becoming more comfortable with being out, start telling people (though don't just announce it to the world lol, but start coming out slowly), and just enjoy life.

    As for the latter question, it's completely understandable. The way I like to look at it is from something I saw in Queer as Folk (great show to watch, just saying :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:): there was this 35 year old "straight" guy Drew who just came out as gay and was at a club with his boyfriend. However, another guy came on to him and he made out with him and his boyfriend caught him. When the boyfriend talked to Debbie (played by the amazing Sharon Gless) she told him words that I'd like to impart to you: "he's still just a child. He just came out, and is like a kid in a candy shop. Let him taste the candy before you ask him to pick just one." Basically, you're being overwhelmed because it's like you're a kid again, having just come out to who you really are. It will die down slowly, but now enjoy it, but if you have a point where you are too overwhelmed like hyperventilation or something, then ask to have someone just cover you for a second so you can take a breather.

    Again, congratulations on coming out, and I hope my advice helped :slight_smile:
     
  3. 4 seat

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    Congrats on coming out man, that's a big step after you accept that you're gay.

    As far as your personality goes, same here. I had a ton of issues coming out and I'm the "straightest" gay guy I knew at one point, but since coming out and meeting people, I've met other guys who you would never think twice to be gay. No one ever suspects me, my friends all said they were shocked, I still get hit on by girls cuz that can't tell, and I've met some people that are in the same boat. It's just something you have to deal with when your sexuality isn't all over everything you say and do.

    Yeah, it seems like once you come out, since you're out, everyone is free game, right? Lol, I had that same thought process too. You're more comfortable with your sexuality, so you start noticing it more and allowing it for yourself. It's normal, just know when and when not to hit on guys ha.

    Take a look around here and ask questions, there's a lot of different people here and they're all willing to help. Congrats man, and good luck.
     
  4. Crypt

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    Yeah, I know what you mean. Girls hit on me all the time ._.


    Thanks for the helpful advice guys. I'm so new to this and I'm trying to take it all in. Another thing I'm almost terrified of is when I do get a bf and just want to hold hands in public ... idk how I would take the bashing or just remarks :/
     
  5. knight of ni

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    You get more and more comfortable in your own skin over time. When I first came out, I didn't actually say the words "I'm gay" even to my best friend, because I was still a bit insecure, and anyone finding out if I hadn't personally told them was difficult to handle.

    A year later, I was at an LGBT coffee event, and two teammates of mine came into the room, to see a team-mate's brother, who is also gay. So I was discovered as being gay, totally unplanned, and it didn't bother me at all, because with that year passing, I was much more confidant and secure in who I was.
    I think most people go through the same thing, and you'll reach a point where walking down the street holding hands is the most natural thing in the world (as it should be :icon_bigg).
     
  6. Lexington

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    Welcome to EC! :wave:

    My friends nicknamed me "StealthFag" because I didn't give out much sign. I'm tall, stocky, have a deep voice, dress like a slob, listen to rock music, like sports, all that. But that doesn't mean you're destined to be bypassed. For one thing, it's become nearly annoying (to me) how much gay guys seem to obsess over straight guys. I know the law of averages says that we're more likely to fall for a straight guy than a gay guy, but I'm talking about gays who immediately dismiss any other gay guy out of hand. Being straight-"acting" can only work in your favor on that front. :slight_smile:

    So how do you let people know? Easy - come out. In addition to keeping your friends and family in the loop, it'll let other gays know you're on the market. It's true that being introverted can be a drawback - it's easy to mistake shyness for aloofness or haughtiness. But if you put yourself out there, your chances will increase dramatically.

    So take your time, keep getting comfortable with the idea, and start thinking about coming out to more people. As you do so, opportunities will arise.

    And yes, no surprise on the "finding hot guys mindblowing" front. :slight_smile: It'll eventually calm down a bit, and you can enjoy it some more.

    Lex
     
  7. Lebowski45

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    Hey, first of all, congratulations on accepting yourself, that is a huge step, and well done for telling your aunt. I could relate to a lot of what you said, and I agree with what everyone else's said, I'd just like to echo some of that.

    I can really relate to being the "straightest" gay person, I actually struggled for a long time just convincing myself that I was gay because I practically go against every stereotype going. People were/are shocked to find out I'm gay because I'm not camp whatsoever, most of my friends are straight guys, I like football, I like rock music, I don't give a damn about fashion etc. etc. Then I realised that the stereotype is just that, a stereotype. I'm Scottish but it doesn't mean I wear a kilt, play the bagpipes and eat haggis all day. While some Scots might be like that, not all are. And I realised that being gay is the same thing, it's just one part of you and doesn't define you as a person anymore than being straight defines you. Obviously that means its less obvious for other gay guys to notice you, but it shouldn't stop you from finding other guys, and here I agree with what Lex said - come out. I had practically zero chance of being with anyone while stuck in tne closet, but now that I have done (recently) more and more people are finding out and I know that I don't need to "hide" anymore. Just being out liberates you from having to watch what you do or say, who you talk to etc. You can finally just be yourself. It's like what Revan said, it all feels new and - because its a part of life I missed out on growing up - it feels like being a teenager again to some extent.

    The last few months have felt exciting for me, thoughts you once kept repressed can be allowed to come to the surface, and not result in you feeling bad or guilty about them. As the weeks go by, the more just being gay seems more and more comfortable to me and to others. As time goes by the more proud and relaxed you feel about being gay, and this is coming from someone who felt like they could never come to terms with it.

    I'm also quite introverted and shy, but coming out is helping me on this front too. I used to avoid many social situations in the past but I feel I'm much more sociable and open to people now that I'm out. Yes, I'm still quite shy, but it's easier to deal with when you feel happy, which coming out made me feel.

    So all in all, take your time and try to come out slowly to people when you feel the time is right. There's also no rush to find a boyfriend, just go slowly and these things will happen eventually. As for worrying what people think if you hold hands with a bf and that, I think the more you come out, the stronger you feel as a person, the more confident you'll be in who you are. And you'll find that you won't gave a damn what any narrow minded hypocrites think! As long as you've got the support of those who love you, nobody else's opinions matter :slight_smile:
     
  8. Crypt

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    So glad I posted here. The advice/suggestions is/are excellent. I plan to come out to my sister really soon ... not sure about my parents though. It's a long story, but I really don't get along with them.

    Sometimes I get discouraged from putting myself out there because I'm really short for a guy @ 5' 3". I get ahead of myself and assume people don't want to date or even meet short guys lol.

    @WillNeverMarry: Yeah, I feel like I'm against every stereotype also. Straight friends, rock music, american football, not camp. I guess I just have bite my tongue and get myself out there.
     
  9. vrocotamy

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    I came out so long ago that I feel like I can't give you advice on coming out, even though I'm your age...but, congratulations! I'm also quite short - I'm 5'2", but say I'm 5'3" on occasion. Being short as a guy is not fun, since people definitely respect you less. Being gay may or may not counteract the issues short straight men have with women....but it definitely led to the danger, for me, of being considered the "smallest, gayest thing alive", and reduced to that stereotype alone. Nevertheless, I've gotten some attention and I'm short. It does make things slightly more difficult for me romantically, I'm sure. But, I'm also more feminine than you are, and quite boyish looking. The combination of being short and boyish looking can also be attractive. And, beyond that, it's important to be confident. If you exude confidence, even if you're short (like me), you can turn shoulders too! And being short also makes things easier in bed sometimes, depending on your position.

    It's also normal to feel like, after you're sexually freed in some way (for me, it was the revelation of the possibility of a romantic relationship this spring), like you want to f*ck everything alive. It was really hard to handle this spring...I'd be drooling over people in a way I hadn't since I was 12 or 13. I also responded to it by dressing in a way a lot more gay men would notice (short shorts, etc.) This is just my opinion, but "straight-acting" gay men have a distinct advantage, if they can tailor themselves to be noticed. If you ever try online dating, look at all the "masculine for masculine" ads. I think it's silly, but it works to the advantage of the masculine group, to which I firmly don't belong.
     
    #9 vrocotamy, Nov 28, 2010
    Last edited: Nov 28, 2010
  10. 4 seat

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    Height isn't as much of a big deal for gay guys, at least as far as I know. Some guys prefer shorter guys. I am pretty sure that I won't be able to date a guy taller than me, for whatever reason, it just doesn't work in my head. But who knows who I will meet or what will change with me? I'm 6'1'' and the first guy I dated was 5'7'' so it's not the end of the world if you're a little short. You're just travel size lol.

    Yeah, if you're unsure about your parents, go with your sister first. I told my bro first out of the people in my family, then my sisters and now my mom knows. Still working on dad though, so it's a process. I'm sure your sisters will be fine with it, people our age usually are.
     
  11. Z3ni

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    Yeah, when I see hot guys I force myself not to check them out.. lol

    I just "Pretend" to look at girls.. I don't even know why I do.. Guess I'm just trying to hide myself from being gay. All this pretending is.. kind of draining, I feel like I can't act myself, I'm scared if I expresss myself, I'd get exposed of being gay. All the pretending gives me confused emotions towards people ¬_¬

    I don't think I'm ever gonna come out to be honest, I can't see myself with anyone, and I consider myself really short at 5ft8/9 haha...
     
  12. 4 seat

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    Like you said man, all this pretending is draining and you're only 21. Imagine keeping this up for the rest of your life. Imaging doing ANYTHING for the rest of your life. You don't wanna go down that road. Maybe not come out all at once now, but since you know about who you are, figure out how you can live your life happily, not tolerate a draining life.

    As far as being short, I dated a guy shorter than you and he was way cute, regardless of his height. I just started a Height thread a few minutes ago in Chit Chat, check it out.
     
  13. Lebowski45

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    Z3ni, I had to respond because you just described how I felt until about half a year ago, and I'm the same age. I thought that I could never ever come out and I thought I'd be alone for the rest of my life as well. It really did seem completely hopeless. But then I realised that I didn't want to go on that way. I simply didn't want to be alone anymore. I was really tired of hiding who I was and suppressing thoughts that I couldn't help. Slowly, being gay stopped being a burden and became just another part of me.

    You can't help who you are man, you didn't choose to be gay/bisexual, it's just who you are. It's a matter of accepting that, and I guarentee that if you try, one day you will be completely comfortable with it. You will come out and you won't be alone forever :slight_smile: If I could do it, God knows anyone can. You force thoughts and feelings down because you don't like them, I did the exact same thing. I remember posting on here and Lexington told me to, for at least one day, "try it on". Just stop the pretence, let yourself be "gay", look at hot guys, think about guys etc. without the usual denial and repression. It was a liberation. I realised that I felt happier without denying who I was all the time. Gradually I came to terms with it, and once you do, coming out is inevitable, and being with someone suddenly becomes a big possibility. It might not seem like it now but honestly, things will change if you let them :grin:


    As for the whole height thing, personally it's not a problem for me, you'd have to be a pretty shallow person to judge someone because of their height.......and hell, personally I find a lot of short guys really hot :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: :lol:
     
  14. Z3ni

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    Well its hard considering, my bro, bro in law, mum is somehwat homophobic. I tried to relax and be "gay" but I had bad reactions so.. yeah

    Even though my twin is free! lol, hes with the lgbt crowd. Thats coz hes accpeted who he is.. me I'm not completely accepting it, I still hate/like being gay.
     
  15. Lexington

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    >>>Sometimes I get discouraged from putting myself out there because I'm really short for a guy @ 5' 3". I get ahead of myself and assume people don't want to date or even meet short guys lol.

    There are folks out there like that. But there are guys out there who won't date you for your ethnicity, your mode of dress, or some other stupid reason, too. That's their loss. :slight_smile:

    Don't worry about your folks. If you're not ready to come out to them, or you think they'll take it badly, or you simply don't want to tell them, don't.

    Lex
     
  16. Crypt

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    Just came out to my sister. She was shocked, but she totally supports me. We're going out for lunch later to talk more :icon_bigg
     
  17. Lexington

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    Excellent! The more people in your corner, the easier it'll become. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  18. Revan

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    Congrats bud! :grin: