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so. confused. want to talk/ramble

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by ivyjock, Oct 25, 2010.

  1. ivyjock

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    Alright, I've posted a few questions on here before and always have gotten good advice. So hopefully this will lead to some good responses..

    I don't know what my sexual identity is. Physically, I really do enjoy the male body. I am only ever interested in masculine/"straight acting" guys. Really flamboyant boys/men really are a turn off for me, and I, for whatever reason, cannot relate to them at all and do not enjoy being around them. Its so confusing, because I will get turned on and watch dudes, but then immediately after I am somewhat disgusted at what I just watched or whatever.

    So basically, I have crushes on girls, enjoy hooking up with girls, but when I'm in the mood, I turn to guys usually. I just can never picture myself actually dating a guy and being happy, ever kissing a guy and meaning it.

    And yes, I do love myself. I am very happy with myself/I'm a confident young guy. I have no problem with anyone elses sexual identity; I am completely accepting. I am not ashamed of myself at all for looking/being turned on by guys.

    I usually can think through my own feelings really well/understand why I feel the way I feel. The only thing I can think of is maybe I like the idea of foolin around with a straight guy because it is "wrong" or something.

    Anyone else ever shared these feelings?
     
  2. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    I am having trouble squaring these three statements with each other. Perhaps if you could discuss them further it might help all of us (including yourself) gain a little more insight here? I am definitely not trying to be snarky, so please don't take it that way. :slight_smile:
     
  3. Mirko

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    Hi there! I can't say that I share these feelings but and that said, in trying to figure things out, maybe try not to attach or find a label that describes your sexual identity at this point. Instead, just follow your instincts and what feels right for you. In figuring your sexual identity out, always remember that we can have different levels of physical and emotional attachment to guys and girls.

    You already have a couple of clues, and it would be good if you would try to explore all of these feelings further. If you feel an attraction to a guy or a girl, explore that further. The same goes for being turned on by watching guys. What happens if you watch girls? How do those feelings differ?

    The feelings that you have, they do mean something. If you are turned on by watching dudes then that's something worth to explore further. It's quite possible that your inner homophobia (despite being accepting of others and not being ashamed for being turned by guys) makes itself known through your feelings of feeling disgusted after watching it. It's always harder to accept something for ourselves and come to terms with it when it has a direct impact on our own lives and we have to learn to be okay with it within ourselves.

    We all have our preferences and fall for different types of guys. Some will fall more for flamboyant guys, while others such as yourself, find masculine/'straight acting guys' more attractive. That's alright!

    Hope this helps a bit! (*hug*)
     
  4. Lexington

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    I'll just say that it's my opinion that guys who build a large wall around effeminate guys usually do so for a reason. And that reason is usually because they fear becoming "like that", or being associated with people like that. To take it perhaps further than you have, "I'm not gay (like that) - I just dig guys."

    I'll also point out that a few others have told me that I'm incorrect in this assessment. That they have no fear at all of becoming or being perceived as effeminate, and that they just really actively dislike femmy guys. Not just as potential dates, or even as friends, but as people in general. And there's not much I can do but accept that.

    Lex
     
  5. jacobjake23

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    ivyjock its like you took the words right out of my mouth..like whoa. you made sense of stuff i couldnt haha
     
  6. ivyjock

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    I'm not too concerned with being perceived as effeminate... I'm very open with my extreme love for Taylor Swift for example haha.

    And to separate the 3 statements you highlighted: Right after I think about what I just watched and do not understand why I enjoyed it. Its like a switch is flipped and I am actually turned off by what I just enjoyed. BUT I don't hate myself for enjoying it or anything, I simply do not understand why I did.

    With the last statement.. I don't even know what I'm trying to say haha. Maybe this will clarify: I really like watching two straight guys go at it.. I like the idea of a Brokeback Mountain-ish scenario; two guys that are into girls also being into each other sometimes. Weird, I know...

    ---------- Post added 25th Oct 2010 at 10:22 PM ----------

    And thanks for the replies. I think being forced to talk about it more helps me think about it in different ways than I normally would...
     
  7. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    I can totally relate to this. Before completely coming out I thought that I was only strictly attracted to guys in a physical way. I thought I would never be able to really like a guy or kiss him. The idea of kissing a guy was actually repulsive at that time xD

    Later I found out that all of those feelings came from my inner homophobia. Figuring that out took me like a year. Hard stuff xD I'm not saying that you are the same way, but just something to think about.

    Also, does the "switch" flip right after you cum or do you still feel confused even if you don't cum? If its right after you cum then thats normal and that feeling will go away after you start being more comfortable with that part of yourself.

    Oh and in Brokeback Mountain is not two straight guys that enjoy casual sex with each other. Its about one gay guy and one bi guy that LOVE each other and can't be happy without each other. Just clarifying that because it makes a huge difference.
     
  8. stad90

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    I don't think I've ever related to a thread before more than this one.

    Up until around a couple of months or so ago, I always found guys attractive, and I could always see myself and a guy messing around. But I never could imagine myself and another guy, say, walking down the street holding hands like I could with a girl.

    This (I guess you could call it) "homophobia" gradually began wearing off. It completely went away at the beginning of this summer when I graduated high school and began working at a location with many open and out homosexuals (can't say the name, but let's just say it's one of the happiest places on earth :thumbsup:).

    Now if only I could work on actually dating a guy hahaha. Any takers? :smilewave (kidding...sort of)
     
  9. Lexington

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    I think the posts above explain it quite well. But if you're positive that "you are what you are" - a masculine man who doesn't like effeminate guys at all, and who only would be interested in completely masculine men - then let's just say that part of your life will probably be somewhat problematic. Because where there are gay guys, there are effeminate guys. And the more open the place is, the freer the femmy guys will feel to be themselves (or "camp it up", if you'd rather).

    Given that, i'd say there's nothing to be gained by going to any gay social clubs, or joining any gay groups. Even gay clubs with what you might call a more "masculine bent" - sports clubs, motorcycle groups - are going to attract a lot of guys that fall on the wrong side of your line. In fact, if you haven't come out as bisexual, there might not be much point in doing so. And if you ever do want to meet up with a manly guy, just advertise online. Be extremely specific on what you want and expect. In fact, it wouldn't hurt to advertise for a "straight guy willing to try the other side" rather than a "masculine gay guy". This isn't a path I've ever gone down myself, but from what I've heard secondhand, it can pretty much get you what you're looking for.

    Lex
     
  10. ivyjock

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    Alright thanks guys.

    I have thought about whether or not I have some "inner homophobia." While I do admit that it is a possibility that I may be guarding this part of myself so much that I may have developed a subconscious homophobia, I don't think that has happened. I mean a couple of my closest friends are either bisexal or homosexual. I knew this when I met them, yet never thought anything negative about it at all. I truly support homosexuality in all of its forms (obviously) and get extremely offended when people don't and say its a choice / human rights are not deserved etc.

    I do hope it is just that I am not fully comfortable with this part of my own identity and this will wear off etc.

    Heres the reason I made this post though:

    I met this guy who I initially was physically attracted to. We ended up talking. One thing led to another, we were flirting. Then one day I wake up and for some reason the idea of me going to dinner with him etc. seemed so foreign and unappealing.
     
  11. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    I totally accept that you do not have a problem with gay people. You seem to be 100% certain about that and if you have gay friends and all that, there seems to be evidence that you do not care if others are gay or not. That being said, let's drop the term inner homophobia and think about a few things.

    First, it is not unheard of for people to be ok with homosexuality in general, but when it effects their inner circle it causes problems. For instance, liberal parents can be fine with gays, and have gay friends and support gay rights but nonetheless be horrified to find out that their child is gay. There can be numerous reasons for this, most of which seem to come down to some kind of fear. It is frightening that your child might be marginalized because of who they are, it is frightening that even though you know AIDS isn't a "gay disease" you cannot help but worry that your childs chances of AIDS has increased, it is frightening that your child might be physcially or verbally attacked because of their sexuality, it is frightening that they are not "normal" and won't be able to lead a "normal life"....get the idea? Well, for many gays, these issues are just as frightening if they are still struggling to sort out their sexuality. In addition to all of this, even though society is becoming increasingly accepting of gays, being gay and more importantly, being open, in a relationship, and gay is not easy (am I going to hold my partners hand in public, having to correct people when they ask what kind of women you like, etc). Also, society still puts pressure on men to act a certain way and the general conception people have of gay relationships typically does not fit that. Finally, besides society attempting to force its construction of masculinity and of what gay men look like simultaneously onto an individual, that person may not have a very good grasp of the diversity when it comes to relationships that gay men enter into. This fact itself is enough to concern individuals who may think they are gay but fear that they are not able to fit into what they see as the gay community.

    Ok, so I typed this all very quickly (I am taking a break from studying and really need to return to work) so I hope that it made sense. Really think about these issues and see if you think that you might be struggling with anything that I have talked about. I myself had to struggle with all of these issues at one time or another, but I now find myself almost three years into a relationship with another guy that I wouldn't give up to save my life. (Neither of us are flamboyant, we are probably what you would consider "straight acting" but occasionally fitting the stereotypes such as liking musicals or female pop stars.) One thing that helped me get past all of my own issues was watching a gay storyline play out on the TV show "Brothers & Sisters" between Kevin and Scotty. This TV show made me realize that, "Wow, I don't have to change who I am or become some stereotyped cartoon figure of what gay guys are commonly perceived as. There is nothing at all strange about this relationship and I would REALLY like to have something like this." I don't know if watching Brothers & Sisters is the answer for you, but I might suggest trying to imagine yourself in a relationship with another man. This guy is your type (a masculine guy who maybe enjoys watching football and has stuff in common with you), and besides the fact that he is a man, you are free to build this relationship with him however you see fit. You two can be exclusive or not, you two can want to move in together or not, you two can want to eventually start a family or not, etc....) Try to envision that and see where it goes.
     
  12. TheEdend

    TheEdend Guest

    Maybe you are in fact only attracted to guys physically. Sexuality is very complex and who is to say you can't just physically be attracted to someone.

    That being said, there is only one part that throws me off and is when you say that you feel "somewhat disgusted at what I just watched or whatever." There is some type of guilt there is what I'm guessing. Only you can figure out what that is though.

    As for your friend thing. Why not give it a try? You have nothing to lose and might as well find out now than when the same thing happens in the future.
     
  13. Lexington

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    >>>I met this guy who I initially was physically attracted to. We ended up talking. One thing led to another, we were flirting. Then one day I wake up and for some reason the idea of me going to dinner with him etc. seemed so foreign and unappealing.

    OK, but what about the idea of going to a football game? And then back to your place for a night of hot man-on-man sex?

    Lex
     
  14. ivyjock

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    I don't even want to touch him any more, its so strange.

    I think I am afraid that people will judge me and assume so much about me if they know I am into guys. I don't want to be sterotyped. It is inevitable though, which blows.
     
  15. zzzero

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    Being stereotyped isn't inevitable... You have to prove people that the stereotype is wrong... Being gay doesnt mean being a stereotype and you're a living example of that. There are plenty of people out there like us who don't really fit the stereotype and when people see us and find out we're gay, their eyes are opened to the fact that there's a whole world of gay people too.

    And as far as never seeing yourself in a real relationship with another man, that's something we all kinda go through in one way or another. I couldn't see myself with a guy, then I found a guy I liked and we dated for a while. Recently he dumped me and I'v been more of a mess than I could imagine I would be. After you date someone of the same sex, you kindof realize that people are people and it doesn't matter if their the same sex or opposite sex. It's the same situation on both sides.
     
  16. Lexington

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    >>>I think I am afraid that people will judge me and assume so much about me if they know I am into guys. I don't want to be sterotyped. It is inevitable though, which blows.

    It IS inevitable, to some degree. But it's ridiculous to put the thoughts and desires of random people you don't know in front of your own.

    As shown to the left there, I'm from Colorado. And like absolutely every other place on God's green earth, that place comes with baggage. With Colorado, it mainly involves a huge amount of credit card debt to REI, John Denver music, and the Denver Broncos. And in my case, all that's incorrect. I'm not outdoors-y, I like my music a bit louder than John Denver, and I'm actually pleased by the Broncos getting their asses handed to them last Sunday, mainly because it means I don't have to hear "Bronco talk" from my friends for at least another three weeks. :slight_smile: But people outside the state might still think that I wear an orange sweatshirt on game day, when I'm not hiking up a mountain or humming "Rocky Mountain High". But, see, I don't care about that. Why would they care if they think I'm hippie-dippy or have a shrine to Elway at home? I'm me. I've got my life to live.

    Similarly, I'm gay. And there's baggage attached there, too. Some clueless folks might think I've racked up the charges at A&F, or love club music, or have a high voice, or hate sports. As it turns out, all four of those are false. (Not that there's any problem with any of those, I hasten to point out.) Never bought a thing at A&F, I find club music kinda annoying, my voice is firmly in the baritone range, and I own season tickets to a contact sport. But if some stranger wants to think I live for club remixes, or wear women's clothing, or am a bitchy queen, or whatever else - hey, go nuts. I don't have time to track down people I don't even know to bust stereotypes. I'm just gonna keep being me, and let them think whatever hell they want to think. Because it's so much easier, and so much more fun. All the fun stuff is in front of me, so that's the way I'm facing - I ain't bothering to turn to the side to see who's watching me do it, or what they're saying to their neighbor about it. :slight_smile:

    Lex