i'm avoiding the enevitable

Do post your letter here if you think we can help with it.

And give some thought to the "bored = weed" segment of your equation. Because it seems like even when you attempt to cut out weed (and other drugs) from your life, you're not replacing it with anything. There's an old adage that if you tell somebody not to think about an elephant, suddenly, they can't think of anything else. So instead of simply making an effort to "not think about the elephant", you should see if you can come up with some alternate things to fill your time with. What are some things you could do that would help alleviate boredom that don't involve weed?

Lex

 

I guess I want to clarify something a bit, just to make sure we're on the same page.

"i wish i was doing things but the only idea's i can think of are boring ones. ive tried racking my brain as hard as i can but, nothing i just can't even think what i would find interesting....i starting realise how much of dull person i really am."

A common misconception that people have is that there's some sort of broad definition of "boring". Your life isn't a reality show. The things you do don't have to be interesting to an outside observer. They only have to be interesting to you. I spend hours upon hours futzing around with music on my computer, and anyone watching me would probably die of boredom within fifteen minutes. But I'm not doing it to interest the world at large. I do it to interest ME. Because it DOES interest me.

The thing is - I didn't really instinctively know that music (or historical books, or writing, or any of the other things I do for fun) was going to entertain me. I just tried a bunch of stuff. I've tried all sorts of books, for instance. Some didn't do a damn thing for me. I thought I'd really like fantasy books about elves and dragons and all that, but it turns out I don't. But I know that because I read a few. And I learned that they don't interest me. And that's a huge part of treasure hunting - finding out where the treasure isn't. If you found gold every time you dug, it wouldn't be called "treasure hunting" - it'd be called "treasure getting".

So you don't know what might interest you. Fine - go hunting. Get a list going. Put it on your computer or phone, or carry a little notebook with you. "What might I like?" These ideas don't have to majorly excite you. Just a passing interest is fine. Get some ideas going. Nobody is going to see this list but you, so don't worry about some of the items being "silly" or "dumb" or anything else. Just anything at all that you think you might get some enjoyment out of.

And you don't even have to carry some (or most) of these to fruition. Let me just take one suggestion and run with it. You mention playing video games. Ever consider designing them? If so, why not go down that road a bit and see where it takes you. Get a couple books out of the library about video game design. Find some websites that describe the process of video game design. How would your video game look? What would the goal be, how would you make it interesting, what would the package look like, what could you do for a sequel, what sort of product tie-ins would you have, all of it. And this whole thing might never be more than a mental exercise. You might never learn a single bit of programming code. And that's totally fine. The key thing about hobbies and interests isn't the final result. Sure, if you end up designing a game and actually enjoy playing it, that's uber-cool. But if you don't, it isn't time wasted. It's time passed. They're called pastimes for that very reason. It's the journey not the destination.

So give some more thought to that. What things might interest you? What sort of books might you enjoy reading? Any physical activities that might appeal to you - hiking, biking, and so forth? Cooking, drawing, martial arts, guitar, writing, gardening, cup stacking?

Lex

 

I offer (*hug*)s. Addictions are horrible... You need to be kinder to yourself. You are worth being on this planet. And I know, feeling can be scary... but it's something you're going to have to learn to cope with. Do you have friends and family that may be able to support you going through withdrawal's and detoxing substances from your life?

 

>>>tonite i found i loved paintballing, but i'm not sure how much i would enjoy it sober.

That's a mindset you need to work on getting beyond. Most of the populace enjoys activities and whatnot sober. Paintballing wasn't invented as "something you can enjoy while you're on weed/speed/drunk". It was supposed to be just be a fun activity, period. So keep working on the list, and keep trying crap out. The sheer fact that you're trying stuff will help keep you occupied. Again, it doesn't matter if you end up loving it or not, or end up "succeeding at it" or not. Just trying stuff out will give you something else to focus on, and that may be what you need more than anything right now.

Lex

 

Hi darkcheesse,

As I read your posts, I can sense your despair. There isn't much left for me to say as it has all been said.

Mental health and addiction are are misunderstood and complicated. Mental health professionals are often dumbfounded by mental health - me included. So, if professionals themselves are dumbfounded, then the layperson must be lost.

I get the sense that your lost. You have so many different people offering you advice, you have a lot of fear, and you don't feel like anything is certain, but conditional. I can see why you are paralyzed.

One thing I have read about mental health and addiction is that hope is cornerstone of change. So we need to find ways to foster hope in ourselves. Think of a time, place, moment, no matter how brief, when you felt hopeful. Hold on to it, imagine it, feel it through all your different senses. Do this for 15 minutes as it will help to minimize the psycho-physiological symptoms of your withdrawal as it calms that flight or fight response. This sometimes helps me when I'm upset, overwhelmed, and distressed.

Also learned that medicine isn't only drugs in your case. I have helped people develop wellness plans. Things that they can do to make themselves feel better, whether it be a warm bath, a favorite television program, poetry, a walk, or any combination thereof. Social experiences such as these can activate various parts of our brain that help us recover.

Another element of healing is feeling empowered, which I see you feel dis-empowered. Feeling empowered can be difficult. The first part of empowerment is taking responsibility for ourselves and our healing. I think reaching out for help will be the first step. Also, not feeling badly about your relapse can be empowering as well. We fall down, acknowledging that we have fallen and what we must do to get back up is a great first step, even if we don't get back up right away.

Non-violent communication is a strategy I offer to people who are feeling overwhelmed and afraid of disclosure. Using "I" statements when communicating difficult stuff helps to defuse the situation. Many teenagers I've worked with have used this with their parents and it has helped.

If you like, you can PM me your letter to your parents, I might be able to help you write it. I would encourage you to read it to them like a script. I don't have a lot of time for one-to-one support as I am in the thick of my master's at the moment, but for you I can offer a bit of time.

I don't know your parents nor does anyone else on EC, so we can't say for sure how your parents will respond. Your the best judge of that, but I think you'll see once you reach beyond your fears, you might see that they won't be as unforgiving as you think.

Being in the closet is one of the single biggest stressors for youth who are gay and can lead to mental distress.

I hope this helps. I am sending you positive energy via the cosmos to you.

Best,
Blair

 

You're "overthinking" but I don't think your conclusions are incorrect. As you go through the withdrawal symptoms again, your brain is sort of revving on high without any ground to cover. So you basically end up obsessively going over the same piece of ground over and over again. You've removed the drugs from your life (and great job on that), but there's now this huge void where they used to be. Futzing around the computer is fine for short periods of time, but I think you need some bigger project to occupy your time and mental energies. Can you get to the library and start doing some research?

Lex

 

Your problem is real. And in life, you can't just always take the easy way out. You have to conquer your struggles in order to achieve your desired goals. Just because you went to a counselor once, does not mean that all other counselors are useless. You never know until you try it. I think that telling your parents about your problem might help you because you will not be alone. But then again, you have the people in these forums for support as well. <3

 

And these things do feed on themselves (PNI). I know when I've stopped eating (while dieting), my metabolism slows way down, and I find it hard to get up and get moving. Eating more will probably help get you moving a bit more.

Lex

 

First thing, congratulations for staying sober (*hug*).
Second, you always talk about not eating enought, but all you seem to have are snacks. Don't you ever get some meals ?
Maybe you can try to cook yourself something you like and that you're family would enjoy as well.
Cooking would keep yourself occupied, and eating family meals, where you sit down together and talk may be a way to reconnect with your family. Who know, you may even discover you enjoy that.
Take care, Cécile

 

So, what about this letter you were writting to your parents to let them know you need help ? Because, clearly, you need help, you're not going to make it alone.
You said you started to write it so, even if it's not finished yet, I suggest you to post whatever you have written so that we can help you finish it and that you can give it to your parents as soon as possible.