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its been a long time.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Danny19, Jul 27, 2010.

  1. Danny19

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    When i was in kindergarten and i started liking girls, but boys too. i didnt care too much because it was when everyone had "cooties". As i started getting older i noticed that it wasnt like the rest of the kids. Liking boys wasnt normal and thought i would get over it. But time past and it was the same. I just couldnt stop being attracted to both genders.
    I just couldnt bring myself to admit it. One day i was walking down the street, and found a page that seemed to be ripped out of a porn magazine with a naked guy. I couldnt stop staring. I thought it was amazing. also, once me and a cousin were messing around and he wanted to compare penises. when we got them out i got an erection real fast. and even though this sound gross this was the first time i experimented, and i hated the fat that i liked it. Thats when i realized that i was bi and even though i have never actually told my cousin, i think he knows. When i started high school it started to get harder. I was already fat since middle school, but i started gaining more weight. I would feel depressed. I had crushes on both guys & girls. so it was easier for me to hide it. People would always ask if i had a gf. They would ask my mom too and say that if i didnt then im probably gay. She always says no though.. There were days that i was confused if i liked just boys or both. But finally i graduated this year. and to this day im overweight, and i have noticed that i am depressed. There were and still are times that i wish i wasnt born. Its been 13 years that ive been hiding this secret and i dont know what to do. I know that if I tell my family and friends they will be accepting of it. I just feel embarrassed and ashamed. When theres a topic of someone who is gay, my family says that they respect them, but its just gross what they do. and it hurts when they say that. I feel that in a way they will be disgusted by me. and even embarrassed. I have thought that i can probably keep it to myself for ever. but im 17 about to be 18 and i just feel like im hiding part of who i am. Part of me wants to tell and the other just doesnt even want to think of it. I just need someone to talk to about this. I have never told anyone.
     
  2. Lebowski45

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    I can relate to a lot of what you say, because I'm going through similar things at the moment, and indeed have been since my teens. To this day nobody knows about all this confusion over my sexuality. But things do get better with time.

    All the depression, self loathing, days spent wishing you weren't born, I've been through them too, and I'm sure many members on here will say the same thing. It's horrible. There's not a lot you can do except to keep living and trying to deal with the issue. You said you often don't want to think about it, I think that's best avoided. I say this because I practically done this for so many years. Knowing something was different about me since I was 12, it took me a further 4/5 years before I even questioned my sexuality. Since then, there's been denial and repression, trying to "make" myself straight, and mostly just trying to ignore it. But what good does that do? It doesn't go away, and any attempt to just makes you feel unhappy. It's something that you - and I - have to face up to. That's why I joined EC.

    If you don't feel comfortable coming out at the moment, then don't. If you do feel comfortable with confiding in someone and you think they'll be supporting, and you can trust them, then think about doing that. Only you can know whether it feels right, but I'd suggest that there's no rush to come out. I think you need to accept it within yourself first. Although I haven't quite reached this point, I am getting there. About three or four years ago the thoughts horrified me, and I pretended to people that I was straight. Now I've ditched the pretence and the thoughts don't horrify me the way they used to. Through time I've become more and more accepting of myself and so will you. Yes there's still angst, doubt etc. but in no way is it like what it was back then. So my point is that through time you'll become more accepting of who you are, if you avoid trying to repress and deny it.

    I also had issues with weight in my teens, with a bit of will power and determination you can lose weight if you want to. But don't worry too much image, it might sound cliched but what really matters is who you are as a person inside.

    I don't know if this has helped at all, but if anything, know that you aren't alone in what you're going through, many on EC will relate to what you've said. With time, things will get better.
     
  3. Danny19

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    Thanks u! ur response made me feel that i wasnt alone in this, little by little i have been accepting who i really am, i cant help it. Hopefully things will get better through time. and thanks again
     
  4. BrettV

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    You are certainly not alone. I went through something similar .. knowing since I was 5, feeling like everyone would be disgusted, etc. I didn't come out until last year. So I held that for nearly 30 years and found things to do to help myself hide those feelings .. deeeeeeeeeeeeeep ... down. Really deep. Focused on guitar and career. Until last year .. my body just couldn't take it anymore and it was like an explosion. An explosion of emotions!

    Take it in stride. The best advice I can think of is just to be who you are going to be. And, know that there are a lot of people in the same situation.
     
  5. Danny19

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    wow.. thats a looong time.. did u ever have a bf in secret? or something?
     
  6. It took me a good 4 years to understand and accept that I was gay. I am overweight too, so it makes it that much harder. But I can tell you this, the more you keep pressing on, it does get easier. At times, you will run into things that will set you back, but you have to keep moving on. Never, ever, give up. Never say I quit. That is the key that I have found to happiness, and I am passing it along to you, my friend.
     
  7. BrettV

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    Nope. I was so focused on school, then guitar, and then breaking into the feature film business. I dated girls for a bit in there. If you tell yourself something, you build a house of cards. Strangely enough, the more you say it to yourself, the more you actually begin to believe it. Build the house tall enough, and a slight breeze can knock it over.

    I had a giant house of cards, and then a hurricane blew through. For me, it came down to three choices: 1) Deal with and accept being gay, 2) check into a psychiatric ward, or 3) ....

    I choose #1.

    Good luck to you.
     
  8. Danny19

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    oh, well i wouldnt want to check into that. but sometimes its hard to accept the facts.. sometimes i just cant help it, but to admit the truth..

    and thanks.. and just wondering, if u dont mind me asking, how was it when u came out?
     
  9. BrettV

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    It went pretty well. My parents surprised the hell out of me and were really supportive. (they're very religious.) I had one friend tell me I wasn't gay and that it was just a phase (uh huh) but all the rest were great. Everyone's been very supportive.

    Don't get me wrong; it's still really hard. You seem like you're ok with what you are. That's more than half the battle. I'm getting better, but a big part of me is still not happy with any of this. Fortunately, I have a great therapist.
     
  10. Danny19

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    Oh trust me. It was really hard accepting who i am. And even though i not really happy nowadays, i have gotten to accept my other part of me. However im not ready to come out, but its hard keeping it locked up inside. Evrything about this subject has to stay in my head.

    why do u go to therapy?
     
  11. BrettV

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    I go to therapy for a few different reasons. The most important is just to accept (and like) myself for who I am. It's a big stumbling block for me. I'm so programmed from growing up in an anti-gay environment that, even while I know it's ok and not wrong, still fight very strong feelings of anger and self-hatred. The second reason is for my shyness and intimacy issues. While I can have meetings with the highest levels of the film industry without a bead of sweat on my forehead, lean in for a kiss and I freak out.

    And truth be told, my therapist has been instrumental in my survival.
     
  12. Danny19

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    oh ok.. well as long as your are finally accepting yourself and loving who u r..

    i know im not there yet, because there are times when I hate who I am. But like I said slowly im accepting it and embracing it. And hopefully soon you will too. Im very shy as well. Just this week i got my schedule for my college classes and i have a Public speaking class, and i started freaking out because thats the total opposite of me. But I have to deal with it.