I'm Gay and I'm 15 going into Sophmore year of Highschool, and not a day goes by that I dont think about coming out to someone. I tried to come out to my mom the other night but it was late and she had a stressful day ahead of her. My dad is deployed right now and I really respect him, but he can lose his temper easy and I really dont want to tell him and then watch him blow up... I almost came out to my brother today, I've been dropping hints like crazy but I dont think he gets it, I'm afraid of his reaction, he likes to use some, derogatory terms constantly. Today he even got in my face and said 'if you were any gayer, you'd be a homosexual' (his insults are pretty stale but his tone is what hurts the most) I just kind of laughed it off and stared at my bowl, I've grown used to it. Today I told him about a play where a boy is left handed and everyone else is right handed and how it plays out alot like what a teenager would go through if they were trying to come out. He said 'yea, maybe you can use that sa an example when you come out' I replyed 'yea..' and he was quick to come back with his snoody voice 'I knew you were gay!' and moved on. I'm really worried about my Mom, I love her to death and she tells me everyday she loves me, but whenever she sees someone openly gay on T.V. she likes to go 'gaaayyyy' and kinda make some snood comment, like when we were watching some guy go to the fabric store to make dresses and she laughed making some remark about how it's like a requirement that all gay guys can sow. My mom is my closest relative and I feel like I'm keeping a part of me away from her. She asked if some girl liked me today and I said, 'no, i dont think so.' 'oh, are you suuuurre she doesnt like you : )' 'um yea, and even if she did, I'm not interested' and then it was one veeerry awkward pause and then she kinda got this look and went back to the computer, just like that. I'm thinking of memorizing my local PFLAG number before I tell her, just incase she needs it. I'm hoping that she'll come home, and while she grabs her smaokes I can ask 'Mom, can we talk?' we go out back and sit down where she'll probably ask me whats wrong and I can say, 'I need to tell you something, I'm gay.' After I do tell her though, I want to tell my Dad, like i stated above he is deployed. On a plus side, he plans on medically retiring when he gets home, so when he comes back, its permanent. I think that I'm gunna tell him the week after he comes back, when he's more settled in, I dont know what to expect, but by that time I'm hoping that my mom will be there for me. What I'm hoping to do is wait for a moment where I'd be alone with him and then turn to him and say, 'Dad I need to tell you something.... I'm gay.' my heart will probably be in my throat, and after a long drawn out pause, I hope he looks at me the same and says 'Your boyfriend had better be nice to you.' and then maybe a hug, my dad loves me, I know that and after our only real big fight he stormed out, was gone for about 2 1/2 hours and then found me immeadiately hugged me and said he loves me, he was sorry and out of line. He looked me in the eyes, something he hasnt done in what seems like forever and after this long drawn out pause I said, 'I'm sorry too, I love you dad.' he kissed my forehead and we had another long hug before he walked out back to look for my mom who was smoking. While he can seem like a monster at times, he's my dad, I love him, and I know he loves me. Hopefully I'll have PFLAG still memorized just incase. I haven't put much thought into my sister.... she can get annoying at times but she is usually pretty leaniant on any gay comments unless she has encouragement from someone else where she usually just stands up and overkills any moment there is. I've put alot of thought into this, and this is my first time even saying that I'm Gay and or that I'm even planning on it, so I'm sorry that It's such a long post and even a wall at times, I've read dozens of advice on this matter, but I just dont have the balls right now... I just dont know what to do, I expect everyone to be alright with this and I've run hundreds of scenarios in my head, I cant even tell you how many times I've cried just writing this, it brings back memories and feelings I'm just now coping with, I've been able to tell myself that I'm gay, and rehearsed what I have to say, but I dont want to get the courage up to tell my mom especially, (because she'e the first) and then get blown off before I can have a chance to even say anything. This forum here is the only place that I have to even have a conversation on the matter, I just need some advice and a place where I can open up freely.
Hey there.. First off - congrats on joining up here and being brave enough to admit it to someone, even if its anonymous. Thats the first step and it can often be one of the hardest. (*hug*) From what you've said, coming out could be a bit of a delicate process for you. First thing you should consider is your motivations for it - why do you want to come out in the first place? Next, you should probably take a look at ways you can get some support through the process. Do you have any close friends, teachers or relatives who you are relatively confident would be fine with it? Maybe you should make a point of telling these people first. It does wonders having somebody you can talk to face to face about your problems. Next thing I want to mention is your brother - from what you have said, he actually sounds like he would be most supportive. Though it may not seem like it, the fact that he can joke about you being gay then it obviously means he is at least not uncomfortable about it. I may be entirely wrong, but that is what my head says. Your mum and sister will probably also be more supportive than you are giving them credit for. There is a big difference between family and TV, they are more likely to love you despite it because they love you for you. Really though, coming out is your own journey. We can only guide you. Best of luck and remember that we are here for you! Kaleb.
Well thankyou, Kaleb, that made me feel loads better, I'm thinking of coming out to my best friend Kim and then my small social group, although I'm worried about the one.... she likes to gossip. But yea, and then when I feel comfortable enough I think I'm going to tell my brother so that I can have someone to at least talk to, I dont think coming out is going to change my life or relationship with him but it'd be nice. I think you're right about my mom though, I dont think it'll be that big of deal in the end, we share everything, no need to stop now.
That sounds like a good plan. A good friend is alwys a great place to start... The first person I told was my best friend, and it was a pretty neat experience. It turned out that she was Bi herself and just as in the closet as me... So it was sort of a mutual coming out - which was neat. You don't have to actually say it as well - I find that not saying it out loud can make you more confident. The first time for me we were passing notes in class rather than talking and I just worked up the guts to write it down. As long as you get the information across the method can be anything. Once your friend knows and you have someone you can talk to, then talk with your family. Kaleb.
Well I think you should come out now it sounds like a good idea. I also hope your mother comes round to the idea that your actually Gay.
I think your brother already knows. He is probably in some sort of state between denial and acceptance, but if he is already making all of those remarks, he already at least strongly suspects and i think that unconsciously he's hoping it isn't true and that by saying the things he's saying he'll somehow make it not true. I suspect your mom also knows. The "not interested" followed by the awkward silence and changing the subject would be a pretty clear indication of that. So I think when you tell them it won't be a complete shock. You will probably still get some resistance -- it sounds like both of them are a bit uncomfortable with the idea of gay people -- but they'll come around. It sounds like you've thought a lot about this and are ready to do it, so go for it! Let us know what happens.
Well they all just left to go to Sam's Club, and I stayed home, I think I'm going to try to tell them when they all get home, I've thought about it and I want my mom to be the first to know. Thankyou everyone for your support.
OK, she got home, and my brother wouldn't leave us alone... I just couldn't find the time to tell her, until he went upstairs... I sat down and she held my hand and asked, whats wrong? I looked her in the eyes and said, 'mom, I'm gay.' her expresion went from a sweet loving mom to, HOLY SHIT! Her words were 'How do you know, I haven't seen any hints of this' and after talking for a while she reminded me of past relationships and she gave me a quick run down on AIDS, and then about children, and then we kinda had an awkward hug moment. She looked me in the eyes and said, I'm not mad, and I'll love you no matter what. I had friends who went up and down all through high school and they ended up deciding that they weren't gay and they ended up having husbands and moving on to college. Don't tell your brother till your dad knows. I'm going to have to think about how I'm going to tell your dad, where I stopped her and said, I want to tell him. We looked at each other for the longest time when she finally came back to talking mode she had questions out the ass, which I was prepared for, but she had all the questions I didnt have answers to, like 'Are you 100 percent sure' 'How do you know' 'But you like Kira like a year ago right, and this girl and that' and then some more but I can remember all the details right now. We then talked how it might be just a phase and how she needs some time to think about it. Maybe she's right, maybe this is all just a phase, I dont care if it is, I'm just confused right now is all... only time will tell I guess.
sorry about the double post but I was trying to edit it as I rememberd certain details, but here is what I wanted to say in full. OK, she got home, and my brother wouldn't leave us alone... I just couldn't find the time to tell her, until he went upstairs... I sat down and she held my hand and asked, whats wrong? I looked her in the eyes and said, 'mom, I'm gay.' her expresion went from a sweet loving mom to, HOLY SHIT! Her words were 'Ok... why are you doing this to me, why not when your dad is here! When I asked I WASNT expecting that, I was thinking there would be something more along the lines of oh I dont feel good, I'm tired, something like that, not this... How do you know, I haven't seen any hints of this or anything like that... um how am I going to tell your dad..' and after talking for a while she reminded me of past relationships and she gave me a quick run down on AIDS, and then about children, and then we kinda had an awkward hug moment. She looked me in the eyes and said, I'm not mad, and I'll love you no matter what. I had friends who went up and down all through high school and they ended up deciding that they weren't gay and they ended up having husbands and moving on to college. Don't tell your brother till your dad knows. I'm going to have to think about how I'm going to tell your dad, where I stopped her and said, I want to tell him. We looked at each other for the longest time when she finally came back to talking mode she had questions out the ass, which I was prepared for, but she had all the questions I didnt have answers to, like 'Are you 100 percent sure' 'How do you know' 'But you liked Kira like a year ago right, and this girl and that' and then some more but I cant remember all the details right now. We then talked how it might be just a phase and how she needs some time to think about it. My favorite thing that she said was 'This isn't your issue, it's mine'. Maybe she's right, maybe this is all just a phase, I dont care if it is, I'm just confused right now is all... only time will tell I guess. What I was really happy to hear was that she was that she still loves me, and I'm glad she talked about some past relationships.... but I'm 15 I can't possibly know yet, what with hormones and everything else, I might be bi after all, but I know how I feel right now... and yea, there is no Black and White and well I'm just a little worried, oh well I need to go find something to do to get my mind clear right now... think some stuff over and just relax because right now my heart may be slowly pumping blood, but my legs feel like I need to just get up and run a marathon... Maybe I'll go for a walk, I really just need to start thinking about more things....
Good job on telling her. I'm glad she said I still love you. Hopefully you can now have some support as you try to find yourself.
I'm very happy you were able to take that BIG first step. You said your mom is your closest relative, so having her on your side now will feel so much better. But I do think you should be totally clear for yourself too; take that time to find exactly what you want, and don't be afraid of it going slowly (years, even). Congrats, man. You are one courageous fellow!
Thanks guys, I feel really good now that someone knows that I'm at least going through this, it was hard before, but it feels like this HUGE relief. btw that walk never happened, it was one of those spur of the moments and now the moment has just kinda passed
Congrats on coming out to her. It seems that, while she might be a bit uncomfrotable right now, that she is still supportive and loves you anyway. What did I tell you, huh? I came out to my Mum as Bi initially and she had more or less the same questions and problems that you said your mum has. She will come around. She might still be a little bit confused about it right now, but that will pass. Also - don't be so fast to put your self in a box of' I'm gay' or 'I'm Bi' just yet. Let your emotions and want you want be the key influences in that particular area. Don't tell yourself that you don't like girls when you might, but don't go trying to convince yourself that you do like them either. Same thing with guys. Good luck and congrats again, Kaleb.
Yea, I'm just confused right now, but like I said, it will become more clear as time passes, I guess I can say I'm bi-curious now, and who knows later this might all subside and I'll find out that I was straight after all and that this is infact just a phase. I'm over all glad I did it though, I think it brought me and my mom closer together, and she feels that she can trust me more now. I made sure to make it a point that she was the first person I was telling. I think that it went well overall. I ended up going on that walk afterall, granted my mom, sister, neighbor, and her kids came along too it was a nice break from everything, I kinda didnt really want to go with just her because all our alone moments seem a bit awkward. She always looks like she wants to talk more about it and before she went up to bed she was rubbing my tummy and whatnot, overall I think I'd have to say, it was a good day.
Congrat's on coming out!!!! Now only your Dad and brothers...the weight is being lifted off your shoulders.
