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Concerned about my best friend

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by gjk527, Jul 9, 2010.

  1. gjk527

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    I am coming here looking for advice on what to do (if anything) about my best friend who is apparently questioning his sexuality.

    My best friend and I live together, and it has helped to bring us even closer together as friends. We've known each other for a long time, and during this time I've always known him to be interested in relationships with females. Recently, however, I noticed that he leaves the house at odd hours during the night (between 2-4 am). I won't get into the details here, but I've learned that he is having "no strings attached" sex with males through craigslist. He hasn't told me this directly, but let's just say that he does a sufficiently sloppy job of keeping secrets that I know with certainty that this is happening. Aside from being pretty risky behavior from purely a health standpoint, an additional complication is that he is having these encounters with males at the same time that he is in a committed relationship with a girlfriend.

    I realize that, at the end of the day, this is his private business and we are all entitled to our secrets. Plus, I realize that coming to grips with his sexuality has to happen on his own terms. Nevertheless, he is my best friend and I care about him deeply, and I just feel very helpless. I want him to know that I support him and love during what must be a very difficult and confusing time for him. Is there really anything I can do to create a supportive environment where he feels safe enough to tell me and reach out for help if he wants it?
     
  2. Blondie

    Blondie Guest

    I think the best thing you can say right now is that your there for him if he wants to talk then sit and listen support him in every way you can
     
  3. Zumbro

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    It kinda depends what route you want to take on this. If you're seriously worried about the CL thing, you might want to confront him in a way that doesn't imply you know what's going on. On the other hand, if you're living together, I assume you're both adults (and probably college age), so he should at least know what he's doing. The other option is to let it be for the time being.

    Now let's break it down like it's 1990:

    Option 1 (less favored): If you're seriously worried about this, you can either confront him directly, or stay up like a worried parent. While he would certainly have a few questions to make up answers for if you wait up for him, he would probably lie to you. You could just ask him where he goes at night too ("Where the hell do you keep going late at night? I know you're not buying drugs, so what's up?"). If you're really daring, you could joke about if he's going out and meeting men, he'll get red, and you can act like you've had an "oh my god!" moment.
    Normally, I wouldn't suggest this, but if you feel your friend isn't being safe, it might be worth it. I know of someone who recently got scabies after a CL encounter (and needless to say, that was the end of his foray into CL), and much worse could happen. You might even just tell him straight up "Hey, be safe when you go out at night. I don't trust other people as much as I trust you", and leave the gay issue out of it.

    Option 2 (probably better): Wait it out. There's a chance your friend may not have admitted to himself even that he likely isn't entirely straight. He might be convinced he's just "experimenting", or going through a phase. The least you should do with this is just tell him "hey, you know I'm here for you, right? There's nothing you could do to make me turn my back on you." If you want to do more, then be proactive. Cut out the gay jokes, keep up and comment on news regarding gay rights, talk about an upcoming pride festival (maybe suggest going, for lulz), etc. Be supportive and open.


    Most importantly, for both methods, don't tell anyone else! This is his secret, and yours now too, even if he doesn't know it. He'll want to tell people on his own terms, and you should respect that.

    So, option 2 is probably better. Option 1 is only considered in my mind if you feel he is being unsafe when he goes out. He's an adult, and hopefully knows how to take care of himself. If your friend eventually does come out to you, you could even direct him here, and we can help him through it!

    Oh, and you should stick around too. I always think that there's too few straight people on the site. After all, if we aren't discussing with our allies, how will they be able to help us? Thank goodness for Becky :eusa_clap
     
  4. starbucksshoote

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    I'm not in the wait it out camp.

    As his best friend, I think you need to at least make sure he's behaving responsibly - if he is going out and having no strings attached sex through Craigslist, is he using protection? How old is your friend? Might he be putting himself in a situation where he could find himself in danger?

    At some point, he will likely have to have a very, very awkward conversation with his girlfriend, and he'll need support - I think having someone like you go through the process with him, both before and after, will make this difficult journey a little easier for him.
     
  5. coolguy144

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    I totally know what you're going through. I have simply gave up though, and I'm pretty much left in the dust saying,"I love you so much as a friend, but I can't set here and watch you ruin you life."
     
  6. Lexington

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    How exactly would a heretofor straight guy be "sufficiently sloppy" enough to enable his roommate to ascertain not just that his late-night activitiesxare sexual hook-ups, but that they're gay clandestine hook-ups arranged via Craigslist? Unless he's coming home with sloppy stains all over his clothes half-singing "I love Craigslist", it sounds like that means "sufficiently sloppy" means "hasn't made it difficult enough to keep his roommate from finding out by checking his computer/smartphone". I'm assuming there's a post coming up in which it's revealed that "oh he lets me use his computer all the time, and On several occasions, he left up CL postings...". But that hardly sounds plausible. I'm afraid it's much more likely that somebody was looking at something he shouldn't've. And presumably more than once.

    If, somehow, the first scenario is the correct one, then he obviously doesn't care if you know. In which case, you can just point at one and say "Hey, you hooking up with guys now? I thought you were dating Lisa.". But if it isn't, I'm afraid you can't suddenly play the "concerned roommate" role, as your method of finding out this information rather runs counter to that.

    Lex
    several CL postings...".
     
    #6 Lexington, Jul 10, 2010
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2010
  7. Zumbro

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    See, now I was assuming he went the route of "where the hell does he keep going at night? I'm going to follow him." But then again, spy mission are much cooler in my mind. (!)
     
  8. gjk527

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    Update

    Thank you to everyone who has responded. It is helping me get a better feel for what I can or should do. Some brief background just to complete the picture. We are both recent college graduates that live and work in the middle of a major east coast city, My roommate comes from a deeply Catholic family with very traditional values, which I imagine could only serve to heighten his sense of shame or guilt when it comes to meeting men on CL.

    To Lancaster's point, let me briefly describe the sequence of events that has led to my discovery. After one particular evening, I waited for my roommate to return and told him I was worried about him. I was cautious to not accuse him of anything, rather I just told him that if he was in trouble or needed me for anything, he could call on me at any time. This was when he told me he was seeking encounters on CL. Encounters of the "men seeking women" variety, he was sure to point out. I really did strike me as a surprise that he would be on CL at the same time he had a steady girlfriend. He spoke in some detail about how he posts his ads, how the arrangements are made, and so on.

    My roommate is an outgoing, confident guy, and quite honestly has never had problems getting dates and sleeping with girls. Going on CL looking for sex while having a girlfriend just did not add up. I'll admit curiosity got the best of me, and so I then went on CL looking for his ad. Lo and behold, I find it in the "men seeking men" section, along with his picture. He describes in significant detail the types of sexual activities he has engaged in. Yes, I will admit it this is morally shaky ground I am standing on. Flame me if you like.

    He was really under no obligation to tell me he was on CL at all. Does that fact that he at least trusts me with this information indicate that he wants to talk and is waiting for me to initiate something? Given his religious and family upbringing, I am not sure what to make of this.

    Yes, I know it is ultimately not my business. However, he is my best friend, and it is hard not to care for him in a situation like this.