Ok last week, my family and I went out to lunch at our country club. Everyone, except my father and I, got drunk. When we got home, my mother and brother decided to keep on drinking for about 6 hours, then my brother had an bi-polar relapse. So mother and I sat down with him outside in the smoking area and talked with him, to calm him down, and then we started talking about ourselves and things like that. Needless to say, I found out some things about them that I wish I NEVER heard *scrubs brain frantically*. Then they started asking me questions; sex, significant partner, children, etc etc. I made up a lie, that I had left a game going and that I had forgotten about it, so I left. However, I walked into my brother's room, which is right next to the smoking area, to borrow a DVD and I overheard them talking about me: Brother: "He is gay, I am serious" Mother: "Possibly" Brother: "Do you think he knows that I know?" Mother: "I don't even think he knows, himself" When I heard that, I just turned around and left, and acted as if it never happened as I knew that they would have forgotten about it, since they were so drunk. Then a couple of days later the three of us got into a fight, and my mother said that we had gotten along so well the other night and that it was pointless fighting. I was shocked, because, I had thought that they had forgotten about the whole conversation. Then I saw mother with a look in her eye, as if she wanted to say more about that night or ask something, and I just walked away. Now I am semi-scared that she might corner me and ask me directly. The thing is I don't want my family knowing that I am gay. What do I do?
Hmm... I'll preface my comments by saying that I feel like I don't have enough facts, but then maybe you don't either, so... I get the sense that they may not only be considering the fact that you're gay (and their being drunk at the time doesn't really change this), but that they are sort of working through it too. Both of those could put you at an advantage to actually come out to them and get it over with. But again, that supposes a few things that are hard to determine just by reading between the lines. But then that also begs the question of why you don't want them knowing that you're gay. Let me put it this way - if you knew for sure it would go well and that they would still love you and would be willing to work through it on their part, would you still not want them to know?
May I ask you first why you don't want your family to know your gay ? (And that's going to be difficult, because, from what you say, I think both your brother and your mother know). Many (*hug*) Cécile
As a preliminary thought: she might not be planning to ask you at all. If she only suspects, and thinks you might not even know yourself, then maybe she isn't going to confront you and press the issue at all. I know that once I started to suspect my mom knew, I started seeing "knowing glances" and "veiled hints" everywhere. Body language is good to read people, but sometimes a lot of it is in the eye of the beholder. As for the course of action, there's several options that come to my mind. First of all, if she corners you, you could just flat-out deny being gay. Advantage is that she probably won't ask again, and if and when you ever feel more at ease about possibly telling her, you can just explain that you didn't feel comfortable with it when she asked and that you needed more time. The advantage to that solution is that it buys you time. On the other hand, you'll probably still keep wondering whether you really convinced her. Second option: if she asks, you tell her the truth. Nothing from that conversation suggests they're not accepting of the idea. She might not be overjoyed (I doubt a lot of parents are overjoyed at the idea), but it could mean that she has been pondering the idea and is already starting to come to grips with it. I know there's some issues between you and your mother, but I'm sure that in the end, she probably does want you to be happy. Disadvantage is that it's a bit awkward to be asked, and that it's not on your own terms. The advantage is that you don't need to lie and can stop wondering what they know and what they suspect. Third option: you do the pre-emptive strike. You pick a time and place to tell her and then you go through with it. It's basically the same scenario as above, with the added benefit that you're in charge of the timing and can avoid the coming-out to happen at an awkward moment (and her being drunk would classify as an awkward moment). I know you have your concerns about your family finding out. But frankly, to me, it seems like they're coming to terms with it. Maybe you should see this as an opportunity rather than as a problem. Lord knows I had my concerns about my mom finding out. And yes, it was a bit awkward. In some ways it still is. But I know that I feel better, and the even if she still isn't totally OK with it, I started the process of her accepting it completely. The sky didn't fall down. Nothing bad happened. Now I see that I was scared, but all that was to fear was fear itself. It might seem like I'm pushing the coming-out options, and in a way, I am. Being out has a lot of benefits that outweigh the awkwardness. Though there is always the option of denying it... Just don't worry. I'm sure that things will work out fine in the end (*hug*)
Foremost, both of my parents' families have very low-tolerance, and they are all pius Christians. My father is not a very nice person, my brother has made my life hell and my mother is down-right everything else. The thing is, I have denied it many times to her face, and she has kept asking.
You may not want your family to know, but apparently, they already know. Or at least, they have such strong suspicions that it's just as if they do know. And honestly, I don't think that's such a horrible thing. The main reason we don't want people to know our sexuality is that we fear their reaction. We hate the idea that we might get rejected, derided, disowned. But your family hasn't done that. You'll note that neither your brother nor your mother said anything majorly negative. They didn't say "He's totally gay - we've got to do something about that" or "not in MY house". They instead simply wondered aloud whether or not YOU were even aware of your sexuality. As suggested above, it sounds like they're coming to grips with your sexuality, and it doesn't sound like they're doing so in an overly negative or hostile way. So what do you do? Nothing, if you'd rather not. I don't think you'll be asked directly. And if you are, feel free to play into their scenario. Say "I really don't know. I've worried that sometimes I might be, but other times, that doesn't seem right." Lex
Well, you're stuck with the family you have. The reason why I'm not out to anyone but my mom and my brother is that I suspect the rest of my family won't be having a celebration when I come out to them eventually either. But, maybe you're selling them short. Again, from the conversation between your mom and your brother it does seem like they don't have that much of a problem with it. Maybe it's a chance to clear up some of the things that stand in between you instead of keeping it as a barrier. And you're not coming out to your entire family at once. If you come out to them one at a time then you can do it on your own terms. Well, to be completely blunt: she knows. She's not going to stop asking. Maybe the point has come at which her knowing it just a fact of life and the question is how to move forward from there, instead of pretending you live in an alternative dimension where she's clueless. Which leads to my option 3: just talk to her about it at a time when you have her alone and in a reasonably good mood. It can help in clearing up things and in moving forward instead of keeping the same little play repeat itself time and again. Alternatively, if you don't feel up for having that discussion, you could reply in the hypothetic way. You could ask her "well, what if I were gay?" It could be seen as being halfway a confession, but her reaction should tell you something about how to proceed...
the best thing to do, show a cold face and deny it; since u kno they won't accept; i guess u have to accept living with this :S
At this point, as long as the "secret" remains unspoken, everyone will be using up energy trying to dance around it. Yes, this can be maintained, but it comes at a cost. I think I agree with Eleanor Rigby - some inward searching about why you don't want them to know with the hope of getting past it would be helpful. (&&&) peace,
(*hug*) It sounds like the best thing to do would to be to come out to them on your terms before they decide to force it out of you. The truth is that keeping them in the dark is not working & may possibly lead to thoughts in their own heads on WHY you will not tell them. Whatever you decide, good luck Tom. (*hug*)
From the conversation you overheard between your mother and your brother, there is nothing that suggested they won't be ok with it. You being gay is obviously something they bother have in mind, and even if they are not completly ok with this yet, they probably have starting the process of coming to terms with this. By the way, coming out to your mother and/or brother doesn't mean you have to come out to all your family at once. But it can definitly be a first step. If she keeps asking while you had already denied this several time probably means she knows for sure. Don't you think it could be easier to just tell her, even if you're telling her at the same time you're not comfortable coming out to other family members ? Having your mother on board could definitly be a plus when you'll decide to come out to the rest of your family. (*hug*)(*hug*) Cécile
I'm sure I don't know all the details but if I heard my family members saying such things I would be pumped. The way they were discussing it sounds in no way negative. Your brother did not say "Mom he is gay! Call the carnival so we can be rid of this freak." I think your mom keeps asking you because she wants you to know that everything is OK. It can be very scary revealing personal things but keep in mind this is your family. You mention that they are religious. Have they ever said anything negative about homosexuals? If they did keep in mind that a lot of people can say negative things when they have no direct experience with homosexuals. Once they realize that a member of their family is gay they then take the time to really think about the issue. They then realize that they have known you your whole life and you are a very good person and the fact that you are gay will never change their opinion of you. You have the perfect opportunity to come out to your family. I would love to be in your shoes. Your brother clearly knows so I would tell him first. He will be a valuable asset for telling the rest of your family. Keep in mind if you are not scared to tell your family you are not human. Acknowledge your fear but don't let it control you. You are the one in charge. Never forget that.(*hug*)
(*hug*) I know this is tough for you Tom. But I do agree with others. If you are hearing your mom and brother talking about your being gay, even if it is a "let's talk about family member secrets" drunken conversation, they have to have processed this fact already. Of course, denying it keeps everything at arms length, something that's not talked about but is known. But what happens when you get a boyfriend, when you want to share your opinions on gay rights issues, when you hear someone disparaging gays. I really hope you can build up the confidence to come out soon--while it may be traumatic, it might also be quite liberating for you and positively effect your relationship with certain family members. And of course you know that EC members have your back
Families eh, cant live with em and ya cant live without em. well to me i get that they already are dealing with the fact your gay even tho you aint told them. maybe they are giving you space to deal with yourself and not want to push you. think if or when you tell them they wont be too shocked.
tom, idk what i'd do if i was in ur place. it could happen to ne of us. maybe like the others said, do nothing unless u want to or unless they confront u. no matter what ..
you're family will find out eventually, but why don't you want them to know? And, if you know your Mom might cornor you and bring it up then that give you upper hand, as you will know it coming. Try to work out some possible sinarios in your head, so that if it happen you will be prepaired.
