1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Love is so much like a confusing battlefield?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by justinishere, Dec 29, 2009.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

Page 1 of 2
  1. justinishere

    justinishere
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2008
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Clovis, CA
    Love... Love... Love! It just doesn't want to work for me. I mean I've met all types of guys online, in person, or just even texted, but none of them seem to be a match for me! I had a date with a guy on Sunday and in the end didn't feel anything... meaning that there was no connection, no spark, no real interest. Guys I meet online are always wrong for me, and the guys that I meet in real life, the few, are just jerks who only want sex...

    How do I get past this stage? I mean I've almost given up on love so early but yet can give advice on it so easily. I mean there is no Mr. Perfect out there but why can't I seem to find someone that at least has the same interests in me? The guys that are really good looking that I have met in the past are jerks, and the guys that have the same interests aren't gay. Help! :help:
     
    #1 justinishere, Dec 29, 2009
  2. zzzero

    zzzero
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    well I think, unlike movies would like you to believe, a relationship is something that's built. There is no spark at first, maybe there is, but that requires you to have a crush on the person before interacting with them. Try sticking with someone you think it's kindof cool, they wont be a perfect match until you get to know them better, that's what the dating world is FOR after all. Learning about eachother and discovering new things
     
    #2 zzzero, Dec 29, 2009
  3. justinishere

    justinishere
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2008
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Clovis, CA
    But what if, in the dating process that it turns out that you and that person aren't a match? The guy I went out with on Sunday likes skulls, blood, fighting, video games, and frankly those are all the things I hate! And that is always how it is... a conflict of major differences...
     
    #3 justinishere, Dec 29, 2009
  4. Maddy

    Maddy
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 23, 2008
    Messages:
    2,633
    Likes Received:
    9
    Location:
    Melbourne, Australia
    Gender:
    Genderqueer
    Gender Pronoun:
    They
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's the thing about dating - the first couple of dates is how you figure out if you'll be good together. If after the first date it seems like you're compatible, the you keep dating and see if it feels like it could build into a relationship. If it doesn't, as happened with you, you just say goodbye and move on.
     
    #4 Maddy, Dec 29, 2009
  5. zzzero

    zzzero
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2009
    Messages:
    779
    Likes Received:
    7
    Location:
    Boston
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well sure that's not a match for you then. But just because someone likes things you hate doesnt mean you'll hate them as a person. Maybe that guy isnt right for you, but dont keep the bar so high. Let someone be different from yourself in some ways. If you wanted to date yourself, good luck finding someone exactly like you, there's probably very few options.
     
    #5 zzzero, Dec 29, 2009
  6. justinishere

    justinishere
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2008
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Clovis, CA
    Maddy... it seems to me that something is wrong if after every date, or even after getting to know people that there isn't anything in common it makes me hurt in the end :frowning2:
     
    #6 justinishere, Dec 29, 2009
  7. Mirko

    Mirko
    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,884
    Likes Received:
    3,227
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi there! Even if there is no connection or spark that's okay! The good thing here is that you did give it a try, and a chance. In order to figure out as to whether there is a chance for something more to develop you need to put yourself on the line as it where and just give a try. The guy you dated last Sunday wasn't perhaps the right one, or at least you couldn't see yourself together with him, which is fine. That just means that you need to keep looking.

    It can take a while before you find the right guy. It is good to have some commonalities but it is also good to have some differences as both compliment each other. The commonalities give you a base for something to start talking about, to build a conversation, friendship, and a relationship. The differences give you more than that. The differences allow you to get to know the person in a different way and will give you greater insights into what makes the other person tick and what makes the other person, the person that he is.

    If you find that it gets a bit overwheliming, maybe take a little break from dating. Sometimes, dates (good dates) happen when we least expect them!
     
    #7 Mirko, Dec 29, 2009
  8. justinishere

    justinishere
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2008
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Clovis, CA
    See that's the thing also... I rarely go out on "dates" but I do go out just to get to know people. Date just seems to add pressure that it should work out. I know that being different is always good even because they say opposites attract but how much is too much? I mean I am getting to know people just to get to know them in hopes that they will be a "good one" but being the always giving guy, or so my friends say, I end up being alone and hurt in the end...

    How do I give up putting myself out there for love if I want it so badly it hurts?
     
    #8 justinishere, Dec 29, 2009
  9. Mirko

    Mirko
    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,884
    Likes Received:
    3,227
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Well, I think you are doing already the right thing. Going out to get to know people is already good! What might help with taking off some of the pressure is perhaps not to attach labels at first. Maybe if something develops, hold off with calling it a date and just see where it is heading.

    Another thing you could try is perhaps lower your 'expectations' at first. Love develops over time, in most cases anyways. Maybe there will be some sparks or some chemistry, but love is going to develop as you continue seeing someone and develop a meaningful relationship. The lower your expectations with which you are going into a 'date' or a night out, the easier it will also be on you. If it doesn't work out or you see that there is very little chance of something developing further beyond one 'date,' the less hurt you might be. Maybe try telling yourself, "I'm just going for a night out and try to get to know someone.' If it works out, great! If not, you didn't lose anything.

    In fact, by going out and by putting yourself out there, you can only gain from it as with every date you go on, you will learn a few things about yourself too.
     
    #9 Mirko, Dec 29, 2009
  10. justinishere

    justinishere
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2008
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Clovis, CA
    Well I don't have high expectations, just as long as they are a good nice guy. But I do have standards! No smoking, drinking, or any drugs... but in the area that I live in teens think it is cool to be doing those things. Also I live in a very religious Christian etc area where religion plays a big role for people. There just aren't enough clean nice gay guys here :frowning2:
     
    #10 justinishere, Dec 29, 2009
  11. Mirko

    Mirko
    Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 26, 2008
    Messages:
    18,884
    Likes Received:
    3,227
    Location:
    Northern Hemisphere
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I am sure you will find someone Justin! (*hug*)

    That said, you are only 16 years old. You have plenty of time to find someone. There is no rush in finding someone. You are already doing the right things. The fact that you are living in a more religious area and that there are not that many 'clear nice gay guys' around, will add to the time needed to find someone. But not to worry!

    The great thing is, you are already doing all the right things. You are not settling for someone just for the sake of having a boyfriend, you are trying to find someone who is compatible and someone with whom you can be happy.
     
    #11 Mirko, Dec 30, 2009
  12. GoBabyGoGo

    GoBabyGoGo
    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 6, 2007
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Sydney, Australia
    you are only 16! omg

    im 18 and i havent even met one gay guy, let alone the right one!
     
    #12 GoBabyGoGo, Dec 30, 2009
  13. Lexington

    Lexington
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2007
    Messages:
    11,409
    Likes Received:
    11
    Location:
    Colorado
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    >>>How do I get past this stage?

    You mature. It's a glib response, but I think it's the right one. Most older (25+) people I know are aware that you don't just find someone, and everything falls into place. You meet people, you interact with them, you click with them on a couple levels, and then you work on getting to know them better. In the movies, there's a big crescendo of strings on the musical soundtrack to let the characters know they've seen their soulmate across the room, but frankly, that doesn't happen all that often. In my case, they would've had to play that music cue to me complimenting some guy on his clever response to a word game. Because that's how I met my partner. Not exactly something to melt your heart, is it? :slight_smile:

    ...and thanks for putting this song back in my head.

    [youtube]CjY_uSSncQw[/youtube]

    Lex
     
    #13 Lexington, Dec 30, 2009
  14. xequar

    xequar
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2007
    Messages:
    1,684
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Detroit area, Michigan
    Damn it, you beat me to that!
     
    #14 xequar, Dec 30, 2009
  15. Just Adam

    Just Adam
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2009
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My AV room
    love dances in the arms of death.
     
    #15 Just Adam, Dec 30, 2009
  16. Austin

    Austin
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2008
    Messages:
    3,172
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    That's cus love doesn't exist.
     
    #16 Austin, Dec 30, 2009
  17. justinishere

    justinishere
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2008
    Messages:
    246
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Clovis, CA
    Haha I knew everybody was going to think of the song! And to Austin and Just Adam.... care to explain yourselves? :wink:
     
    #17 justinishere, Dec 30, 2009
  18. Just Adam

    Just Adam
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2009
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My AV room
    just call me adam lol

    i carried on the thought of the title love like a battlefield...some of the most horrific things in history have been in the name of love.
     
    #18 Just Adam, Dec 30, 2009
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2009
  19. Just Adam

    Just Adam
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2009
    Messages:
    4,435
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    My AV room
    [YOUTUBE]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsKpazeA5L8[/YOUTUBE]

    also this song is what i think of with battlefields
     
    #19 Just Adam, Dec 30, 2009
  20. Phantasma

    Phantasma
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 28, 2008
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Winnipeg
    You're not likely going to find a whirlwind romance with ANYONE in the sense that you spot him across the room and fall deeply, madly in love - despite what the movies would like to have you believe. Especially not if you're tossing people aside after a single date. You have to get to know them more than that. Unless you know for sure that this person is 100% not going to be for you in any way, shape, or form.. then consider a second date, to see if there is something beneath the surface that you don't quite get to on the first date. On that note, you might think of lowering your expectation just a tad. A first date is not necessarily supposed to be a night of fairytale magic where you look in each others eyes and fall madly in love and decide to spend the rest of your lives together. First dates are going to suck sometimes. First dates aren't meant to be serious, it should be a fun time to get to know someone a little bit better. If something should grow from there, then so be it.
     
    #20 Phantasma, Dec 30, 2009
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)
Page 1 of 2