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long (winded) problem

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by n8i2c7k, Dec 26, 2009.

  1. n8i2c7k

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    Well, the problem I have has been the same for a good half a year or so. I've posted about it before but it's been so long I hardly expect anyone to remember. So here is the abridged-yet-still-extremely-long story.

    Me and my friend have been close for about a decade now. We grew up together and he's become sort of like a brother to me. And until recently (or less recently) he became more than that. Well, to me anyway. Nothing unique here, I mean, falling head-over-heels for a close friend is common right? So I fell completely in-love with him. Like gut-wrenching, think-of-him-so-much-I-even-dream-about-him love. Can you foresee the problem? If you've guessed "He's not gay" you can pat yourself in the back and tell yourself "almost" because it's not that simple.

    I actually thought he might be gay. Even moreso, I actually thought he might have feelings for me too. "Oh foolish little gay boy" says you, but whether by my own imagination or not, I thought "y'know, just maybe." Now I did try to do the "smart" thing and be skeptical, but somehow, little by little, my heart believed and was thus condemned. It saw all the small things (honestly there were quite a few) and "made mountains out of mole-hills" until I loved him like a squirrel loves nuts (there's a joke there somewere) and truthfully, we became closer than ever before.

    But then things happened, or rather didn't happen and I got sick and tired of playing the games. Maybe I should have faught a little harder, maybe I should have told him. I really don't know and I really didn't care anymore at the time. So I quit. Tried to quit. Planned on quitting. Failed pretty miserably. I tried quitting cold turkey by isolating myself from him altogether. I stopped talking to him, ended any and all conversations sharply and quickly, and (regrettably) was pretty much a...bad friend (for lack of swearing). And he noticed. He would try to initiate conversations and every time I'd push him away, he would notice. I could see it. That hurt like a b!#ch (so much for not swearing).

    Then I said "f@&k this!" and apologized. I got over him enough to be able to talk to him again, and things were good. For like a week. My stupid heart broke free and I forced my self back into isolation for another couple of weeks. I'm better(ish) but now...our friendship hasn't recovered.

    It's not like I really have anything to apologize for this time. I just stopped talking to him. And he stopped talking to me. But it's still my fault; all of it. And still harboring feelings for him, I'm reluctant to talk with him. I'm scared the feelings will come back up and so I just don't talk to him. And I guess he's tired of trying to talk to me, so he's just stopped too. So now we don't talk, and I hate it. I feel bad for being such a horrible friend but what can I do? I feel so helpless seeing our friendship crrumble like this. It's like I'm watching my hand forced to cut the bond between us and I don't see any way of stopping it short of biting my hand off. Macabre yes, but you get the point.

    So I don't know what to do. Hell, I'm not even sure how I really feel about him. Part of me still thinks he could be gay...wishes he could still be gay and wants to be close to him again. Part of me is afraid of the aforementioned part and wants to stay away. Part of me wants to restore our friendship again. And that all just leaves me pretty depressed. Like it or not, I miss him.

    What do I want? Advice? A solution? Support? I have no idea. I guess I just wanted this all off my chest. But thanks for reading anyway.
     
  2. Astaroth

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    Basically, there are really only two options: take the red pill and see how far the rabbit hole goes, or take the blue pill and it all goes away.

    By red pill, I mean that you would need to confirm your suspicions one way or another. Either you'll need to come out to him and see if he reciprocates, ask him directly, see what other mutual friends think, or something of that nature. But it will almost invariably lead to you coming out in some fashion.

    The blue pill means you keep the status quo. You simply accept the wall of separation that has sprung up and view it as a good thing, even though it hurts. The lack of communication is the guilt-laden but anxiety-free way of getting over your crush without putting any risk to yourself or him. Eventually you'll just drift so far apart that one day he's just not there and probably won't be again.

    Both paths have their pros and cons, and it's really up to you to pick which one would be better in the end. I've gone down both paths, and they both ended up with surprises. I told my last straight guy crush that I liked him, knowing full well that he was straight already, and he was very cool with it, but we still ended up drifting apart not long after. And I tried to pull away from another crush and ended up falling even harder for him... only to find out that he had long ago moved on and I might have actually had a chance. They both sucked, but they were great life lessons.
     
  3. RAJ Aladdin

    RAJ Aladdin Guest

    Talking (or in this case writing LOL) about it is the first part. I bet a lot of ECers have had the same problem. You have put yourself in a pickle I must say- you can't very well say "Yo' dude, you gay?" because if you do and he's not (or not ready to admit it) the friendship is TERMINATED due to homophobia! Instead try your best to become friends again...a decade is a long time (and seeing as how you're apparently 18 you've know him since you were a kid!). Don't throw away a decade or what can eventually become a lifetime of friendship.

    Problem is, you say you're head over heels in love with him- therein lies the pickle. Here is where I am smart enough to say "I have no idea how to help ya there, buddy". But I think you owe it to him but most importantly YOU to rekindle the FRIENDSHIP! Go to a movie, lunch, play a video game you both enjoy, play a sport you guys play for fun, just don't let the friendship die. Apologize to him...not in a ROMANTIC way but as a guy who knows he screwed up (I'm not saying you did- I'm saying be big enough to make the first move towards becoming friends again).

    If it does help, have you ever considered maybe the man for you is out there waiting for ya who is not this friend of yours? "There is always more fish in the sea"...?

    Good luck no matter what man. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Kevin42

    Kevin42 Guest

    My question is this: if you knew without a doubt that he was not gay, would you be able to move past your crush on him? I know that is not really something you might be able to answer, but if you think that you will be able to move past the crush, then I think it might be good to tell him exactly what is going on. First of all, it sounds like your friendship may already be stuck on life-support. Secondly, if you tell him exactly why you started ignoring him, one of three things will happen:
    -first, he will not be gay and will be scared of another guy liking him perhaps leading to an end in your friendship
    -second, he will not be gay but he will understand what you were going through and perhaps this will help salvage your friendship (assuming that you do not continue to crush on him and that he is ok with you liking him)
    -finally, he will be gay, and who knows where that could lead.

    Like I said, I'm not sure how much trouble the relationship between you two is already in, but if it is pretty bad and you think that you might be able to stop having such a big crush on him if you knew he wasn't gay, then this may be a good option to consider. Furthermore, if you guys have been great friends for 10 years, then there is a better chance that he will be more understanding. I don't really know what you should do, but I was just trying to help you discern some of your options. Good luck :slight_smile: .
     
  5. crazydude

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    I agree with Kevin. I really don't think you have anything to lose by telling him how you feel. Clearly your relationship is becoming more and more distant anyway. By telling him how you feel, you have a chance of rebuilding it and maybe even him having the same feelings for you, but you will never know if you don't tell him and that will be even harder to live with in my opinion.

    Also since you have been good friends for so long the likely hood of him shutting you out of his life completely if you told him I think is relatively low. It sounds like you guys haven't just known each other for a long time but also really had a good friendship and were always there for each other during hard times. By him knowing you are interested in him or gay in general shouldn't affect your friendship if he really is your friend. The only thing is if he doesn't have the same feelings towards you, you need to respect that and be able to live with that and only be friends. If I were in your situation I would rather deal with that than never being able to see or talk to him again.

    Anyway man you gotta do what you feel is right and what you are comfortable with. Make sure you really think about all the different options and try to figure out what you would be most comfortable with. Best of luck and let us know what ends up happening!
     
  6. starbucksshoote

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    If you aren't out to him, I think you should be - I honestly think that most friends are able to handle it (especially if you've known them for years, although that does make the initial conversation more difficult.

    If you feel up to it, you might want to consider telling him the truth. Awkward, painful, and thoroughly unpleasant, but it will make you feel better. As has been mentioned above, it could go one of several ways - worst case, he hates gays and no more friendship, but since yours seems pretty strained right now, you might like the concreteness of the result, if not the result itself. Best case, he's gay and he likes you "that way" too.

    I think the most likely case is that he's not gay, but by explaining to him the situation, things will make a lot more sense to him, and he'll most likely feel sympathy for what you are going through. That's what happened to me - the other guy had no freaking clue why I would seem to become upset, sad, angry over what to him was nothing. If the other guy doesn't have feelings for you (or at least romantic feelings), then they don't see things the same way.

    So, short answer, I say tell him - what you have to lose isn't that great right now, and you might move your friendship to a better place. As for getting over your crush on a straight guy, should that be the case, well, best of luck and it's a lot of hard work.
     
  7. olides84

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    In all you have written, you have not told us why you haven't come out. To him, or to anyone else for that matter. So coming out, that is your first step--it is the catalyst for some clarification and honesty and possibly closure. Closure not in terms of friendship, but in terms of the wondering and frustration. And to be honest, I think you really owe it to your friend.
     
  8. bkwrm175

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    I think it's important (though much easier said than done) to try find out if he is gay or not. I know for me, any of my crushes (both gay and straight) have only lasted while I thought there was a possibility of something happening - I either thought the straight guy might be gay, or that the gay one I was crushing on would fall for me.

    It seems to me that you're holding onto the hope that your friend is gay. Unless you find out for sure one way or another, it will be very difficult for you to move forward in your relationship.

    If you trust your friend, he might be a good person to come out to. I don't know your relationship that well, but it's something to think about.

    Good luck!
     
  9. Filip

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    I do remember your last thread on this friend. He's the one you met after you started doing Judo, right? Being a judo practitioner myself, it sort of stuck in my mind...

    I did post in that last thread, and you already got some good advice in that one. Please allow me to quote it below:

    And your reply (abridged):

    Well, the tough news is: you're on your way to losing him. It's very hard keeping a friendship when, in the end, all you can think of is how to keep a secret from the other guy. I fell hard for a guy in highschool, and in the end, keping it all a secret ruined every chance at a friendship we ever had.

    However, the good news is: you can still rekindle the friendship! But it won't work unless you take away the reason why you started drifting apart in the first place.
    I don't think you have anything to lose, really. Try to start talking to him again. Tell him you're sorry you started drifting apart. And then you could explain how you stopped talking to him because you were afraid of how he react if he found out you're gay.

    Maybe don't mention right away that you've fallen for him, but his reaction to your coming out could already tell you a lot. In any case, it would stop the mindgames you play on yourself. Mindgames like "does he really love me to" tend to fuel crushes more than anything. If he's supportive, you could work through the crush and still come out as friends. If he's unsupportive, then you might have lost him as a friend, but that ends up the same as where you are now. Honestly, though, if you were best friends for a decade, the odds of him being unsupportive are rather low. It's very likely that he'll understand why this was hard on you.

    I know, it is terrifying right now, and maybe not the easy miracle solution you're hoping for, but again: you don't have a lot to lose, and stand a whole lot to (re)gain. Of course, you could do nothing and keep things as they are. However, I know from personal experience that you end up regretting things you didn't do more than things you did do (in matters like these, obviously not in terms of drugs and drink :icon_wink). It takes some courage, and yes, it's a leap of faith, but you can do it! (*hug*)
     
  10. TroubledRyan

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    Filip is absolutly right,you are lossing him now,you have absolutly nothing to losse by coming out to him,but a crap load to gain,so do it,we are always here for you