well, I have an online relationship. one of my only options tbh. I've found this, like, PERFECT person. and I mean perfect :icon_bigg but, I asked if there was anything that he thought was bad about me, and he said "a bit clingy". I PM him every day, I try to start a convo with him every time it dries up, I give him top priority over all other computer stuff, I complement him a few times (not like, once an hour. just maybe twice a day), and when he seems to be away, I PM him once every 20-ish minutes or whatever to see if he's back or if he couldn't be asked to say he's going, and overall, I think I'm trying to be a good BF. but, when I asked why, he said not to always expect a reply. and I bug him. :tears: I mean, sure, say you want time, but ffs, I don't know what to do anymore. I'm trying my best to make it work, and he goes away for a long time without saying anything, he lets me bug him without saying "can I have a little break" or whatever, and I just feel I'm putting in all the things a BF should do, and he sees that as clingy :icon_sad: I don't know. last night I got hardly any sleep wondering what to do, because I don't want to let him go, as he is perfect. I mean, I see clingy as asking what they're doing, where they're going, who's with them, do they like them, what're they going to talk about etc. THAT is clingy to me. but idk what to think anymore :tears: am I acting clingy? :icon_sad:
Are you acting clingy? Yes. Most definitely. It sounds like he has a fairly active life and is involved in a lot of different activities, but it sounds like your focus is primarily on talking to him. (I say this because you say you PM him every 20 minutes when he seems to be away, and you get upset when he doesn't tell you when he's not going to be at the computer.) I know lots of people in healthy distance relationships where they talk maybe once or twice a day, or even two or three times a week if they are both leading busy lives. Expecting someone to talk with you continuously and getting upset when they are gone for a while here or there is not something most people will want to reciprocate. He has told you that you bug him, which is an indication to me that he feels the contact is excessive. If you haven't had a conversation on what sort of reasonable contact/interaction he would like, that would be the first thing I would have done when told I was bugging someone; expecting him to ask for a break after he's already told you you're bugging him is probably not a realistic expectation. Ask him what he wants or expects from your online relationship. Then be quiet, listen, don't try to justify or argue or convince him of something else, just let him speak. My guess is that he would like to talk much less frequently, and that he may be starting to feel like it is becoming a chore to talk to you. If that's the case, and you can pull back to where he feels comfortable, then you may see things improve. I would also suggest that you explore your own feelings. It sounds like perhaps you need someone to constantly reassure you and talk to you, and if so, that's a tough position to put almost anyone in. If you have any sort of resources for counseling or therapy through your school or community, you might consider taking advantage and discussing your relationship issues. I think that could be really helpful in bringing you more understanding of yourself and your approach to relationships. Hope that helps
Like Cal said, "It sounds like he has a fairly active life and is involved in a lot of different activities" ^in other words, he has a life. lol
I mean, he goes away for an hour or w/e, and never tells me. so I'm there, asking where he is, waiting for a reply, but nothing :icon_sad: and he told me I was bugging him ONCE. when we talked about that stuff. how the hell am I meant to know WHEN? :bang: I am ALWAYS willing to listen. I'm not some stupid person with their head up there ass like you're making me out to be. I do listen. a lot. I ALWAYS ask how he is, what he's doing, is there anything he wants to talk about and I don't need a counseller. I have nothing wrong. I just want to talk to him, and I want him to be happy. I'm just doing what I think I should do. if he comes online, I say hello. I try to start a conversation. it would be stupidly rude of me not to say hello :bang:
Ok being a good boyfriend doesn't mean you have to spend all your time talking to him. And for him being a good boyfriend doesn't mean he have to tell you all the time where he is and what he is doing for you not to be upset. Being on a relationship doesn't mean that any of you have to give up on his life. Go outside, see your friends, go to see a movie, go clubbing, do your homework, spend time with your family, don't spend your entire day online waiting for him. Maybe you could talk to him and agree to have an "online rendez-vous" every day at an hour that is convinient for both of you. He'll feel less pressured and you'll feel less upset knowing when you can talk to him. Take care, Eleanor
there's a problem I asked him exactly what calchip said to, and he said I'm giving him "too much control". so to organise times to talk? he won't like it if I asked him :icon_sad: and I live in front of the computer. there is nothing else to do. and the sun burns. quite literally :icon_sad: also, am I not getting the timeframe right? he was away for FIVE HOURS once. and idk if he's there or not. it would be nice to know when he's going at last so I don't look like an idiot.
The thing is, sometimes you don't talk to someone for five hours, sometimes you won't talk to someone for a day. That's fine. Sometimes people don't feel like they have this duty to always talk to a friend or boyfriend every time they see them (in real life or online). My advice: don't spend your whole day waiting for him. Everything in moderation.
Sean, I think you may have some difficulty acknowledging that you do have an issue here. It really doesn't make a lot of sense to ask if you're being clingy, and then, when told you are, arguing that you aren't. But nonetheless, I'll try to clarify a bit: If someone I spoke with on a daily basis was away for two or more days, I would be concerned. Not an hour, not 5 hours, not 24 hours. Many people have difficulty with confrontation. My guess is that you are probably, at some level, bugging him quite a bit, and he wishes that you'd back off, but he probably feels like he's already indicated that. You might be listening, but you aren't understanding what you're hearing. There's a difference. He's giving you signs that he wants more space, but you aren't taking those signs, in the same way you aren't hearing what I'm saying that yes, your behavior, as you've described it (and even moreso after you've clarified) is most likely coming across as very, very clingy. I have yet to run into any gay person, myself included, who could not benefit from counseling and therapy. And, not to be harsh, but it's a near certainty that anyone who says "I have nothing wrong" does, in fact, have issues... because we all do. The difference is, those of us who acknowledge we have issues can learn to explore and understand ourselves better, find the issues that limit our happiness, and learn to resolve (or at least work around) those issues so we can live happier lives. Those of us who deny that we have any issues live in a state of denial that isn't healthy and limits our ability to grow. I don't know why you would remotely consider it rude to not say hello every time someone comes online. Hell, if even my very best friends messaged me every time I came online, I'd get really annoyed very quickly. People have lives and things to do. You say there's nothing else to do but sit at the computer? Read a book. Take a walk. Exercise. Write in a journal. Meditate. Learn to play an instrument or draw or sculpt. There are a million things you can do to occupy your time and make your life rich and fulfilling that don't require you to sit for hours at your computer in the hopes that your online bf will be willing to talk to you. Lastly, you said that your bf indicated that you're giving him too much control. He's right on the money, and that statement reinforces further my inference that he is probably annoyed at the level of interaction you're expecting. So take control. Suggest that you chat once a day, somewhere between some block of time when you're both available. As in, "Why don't we try to talk every day after work/school, sometime between 5 and 7." Then, you'll know when he'll be available and he'll know that you're speaking at that time. You won't have to worry about whether or not he's at his computer, or where he's going or what he's doing, and he won't have to worry about you pestering him all day long when he's trying to get other stuff done. And... you really would benefit from counseling. I'd highly recommend it, and I'll wager that if you try it out for a few sessions, you'll be really surprised at the insights you'll get and how it will help you, both with this relationship and with other experiences in your life.
It sounds to me like you see a lot in this guy and this relationship, and you are just trying to do your best to make that work. The thing is, it sounds like he might be on a different page than you are, and might wither just have a more relaxed style in relationships, or might not be looking for something so serious right now, especially with someone he only knows online. It might help if you could relax a little about the relationship and just enjoy it and let it happen, because I can see where he is coming from in saying that you are being clingy. Remember that there are different standards for online relationships and in-person relationships, and that different people look for different things in relationships and have different standards about what they want in a relationship. But please also give yourself a reality check: If you check on him every 20 mins, always need to know where he is, and panic if he is missing for 5 hours (which is a perfectly normal amount of time to spend in some activity like a movie and a trip to the mall with some friends), then that is very clingy, especially since you only know him online. Please relax, try to be more independent, let him be more independent, and remember that nobody is "perfect". Including you, including him, so don't go crazy over this.
I don't check every 20 mins. when talking to him, I do, because of course, I'm talking to him. it's different. but away for 5 hours? I'd like to think he'd spend 10 seconds just saying he'll be away. god knows if I were away for just a few minutes, I'd put "BRB". it takes less than a second to type that. for now, he said he needs to think. he says that it's not just me, but RL as well. so I'm backing off, and said that if he wants to talk, feel free. and I won't contact him in case I annoy him. I hope I chose to do the right thing T.T but the thing is, he is, well, not perfect, but near perfect. and I know that it's very unlikely I'd find someone who'd be anyway near as good. that's why I kept talking to him, and apparantly, I was bugging him. I just assumed that that's what I should do. for now, I'm letting him relax, and then we're going to sort it out.
Sounds like you're taking some good steps. Sometimes, giving both parties a chance to breathe and relax can really help the communication process. As for the 5 hours away... there are lots of people who just wander away from the computer, get distracted, etc and don't think to put up a "brb"... I've been guilty of that, as have many of my friends, and none of us ever worry about it... we always continue once the person is back, so no need for a bazillion "you back yet" messages. One other thing I'd say... never fall into the trap of believing that someone is your "one and only", particularly when you're just 16 years old. There are plenty of fish in the sea, and while the really sweet nice guys might be few and far between, they definitely exist, so there's definitely more than one out there for you
there are roughly 100,000 furries in the world 75,000 are gay most in the USA so, there are very little choice, because gay is one thing, but many confuse furry with beastility, so you can't be out about it. and it's kinda like the equivilant of being gay, but in the gay community. some are ok with it, some aren't, and very few are part of it :icon_sad:
I'm showing my naivity here, but, what are furries? I agree with Cal with regard to the therapy/counselling suggestion - just talking to someone, a professional, about life issues can give so much insight into what we do and why we do it and also how it can appear to other people. Everyone has issues and even if they are minor counselling can be done as personal development rather than because there is something deep and troubling. I find it very helpful to talk to a counsellor even when nothing much has happened - but that is because I am not out yet I guess.
check wikipedia. much more precise description, though a bit wrong and counselling won't work. I find it hard enough to come out or be open, let alone talk to someone about it every day
I found it extremely difficult to just get the words 'I am gay' out to my counsellor but I did it once and it has become a little easier. Counselling doesnt have to take place on a daily basis. I had 4 weeks between my last two sessions.
