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My Story....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Stories' started by James2612, Jul 12, 2009.

  1. James2612

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    About 5 months ago, i "Came Out" to my friends and family. Probably so far the hardest thing i have ever had to do. I was 25 (just about to turn 26). I had known i was gay since i was at least 14 - But there was no way i could tell any one!!! I was so ashamed, so embarrassed, and so unhappy. I didn’t want any one to know, and EVERY DAY i had the fear that some one may guess or find out!! That is very very hard to live with!

    When i first started to realise that i was gay, i honestly thought that it was a phase. I also thought that i was just being perverted having these thoughts and convinced myself that i would stop thinking that way. There was other situations that i had earlier in my life that added to this feeling of being perverted and dirty, and made the situation much harder and i hated my self for feeling this way.

    The time came when i realised that this was for keeps and i wasn’t going to get rid of it that easily! At this point is when i had to start planning how i was going to hide this from the world. I had to some how make sure that not one single person would suspect or even worse question me about it. So the lies started. The music i liked, the drinks i would drink, the films i would like all had to hide that fact that i was gay. Straight men don’t like cocktails or vodka and coke, they drunk beer and larger – so thats what i did! Straight men don’t like chic flicks or rom coms, they like action films and films with fighting – so thats what i watched! This seeped in to every aspect of my life. Before i knew it i had a whole life of likes and dislikes based on what i thought a straight man would choose.

    I cant explain how lonely it is when not one single person on this earth knows the real you... when you don’t even know the real you! When every day is based on lies and the fear of people knowing your dirty secret. I made plans to escape this, i decided that if i moved abroad and lived in a different country where no one knew me, i could live openly about my sexuality. (I couldn’t do it here so why i thought i could do it else where is beyond me!) I would talk about with friends how i want to move away and live some where else! I started to believe that this is what i wanted. I truly believed it. Its only recently that i have come to realise that this wasn’t a true ambition, but one based on shame and fear! I could talk for hours about all the different ways i would hide it, and ways i would live my life hiding my secret!

    Then i started my path on spiritual development. During the beginning stage of this i knew i had to one day come out and that i couldn’t hide it for ever. The fear this caused in me made me do some silly things. I cut myself of from all my friends (except 3) and just stopped seeing them and talking to them. This was one group of people that i didn’t have to tell when the time came! I moved out of my family home, so that i wouldn’t have to see them every day when they found out. (in honesty i wanted to move out any way but this was a big motivator for that!) I remember comments people have made around me about gay people. I once worked with a lesbian, and when i mentioned this to my mum the first thing she said was “Oh her poor mother!” Well i am sure you can imagine how much that hurt me. I couldn’t believe she felt that way. I knew then how much it would hurt her! My dad once showed his disgust with some one on the TV that was gay. The person he was referring to was very crude and really portrayed a bad image of gay people. And my brother once said that if i was gay he would get me a prostitute and “Make me see sense!” – He was young and immature at the time but i could not believe how they all felt about gay people!!!

    Then the day came when my brother asked me if i was gay!!! He was in Australia at the time and he called me up. He said “I have some thing to ask you and i want you to be honest because your my brother and i will always love you, but are you gay?” I was driving at the time (hands free of course!) and i had to pull over the car..... My mind was racing trying to think of lies to say and how would i deal with this. I couldn’t think straight (excuse the pun)!! I felt sick and hot and like i could pass out! NO ONE IN THE WORLD KNOWS and here is my brother asking me! I said “No of course not” about a million times on that call and he just wouldn’t listen! He told me how sad it made him that i had to lie and how no matter what he would love me! He reassured me that if i had any problems with people they would have to answer to him first! Finaly after about 30 mins of me denying it and him continuing to talk as if i was, he asked me one last time, and i said yes!! I just couldn’t believe i had told some one, and that they wasn’t disgusted and in fact he was over the moon that i had told him. I think he felt honoured that he was the first person i told (even if it was under duress) and i was pleased i had.... I still worried about it and none of the fear went away, but it was nice to know that at least my brother knew and still loved me!

    Any way it escalated from there and a year later i told the world!!! 23rd November 2008 at 3am, my secret was out and there was no turning back! I can’t describe the all the feelings and thoughts that i had. I can’t explain all the feelings and thoughts i have now! I am still very confused with it all, and some times i just don’t know what to think!
    I don’t think any one really understands just how mush this has affected me, and maybe that is my fault for not sharing my feelings. I have hidden so much for so many years i have almost forgotten how to be open and honest about my feelings! My friends and family don’t realise all that i have been through with this, and how unhappy i have been and how painful and lonely i have been and kind of still am. I still don’t feel like any one knows me yet and i am still trying to fight of the guilt, fear and shame that i have carried around for so long! I didn’t change over night like i thought i would! This is the first time i have put all my thoughts and feelings in to words and have surprised my self with what has come out. ( I had planned this to be just a short post! Sorry!)

    I am so much closer to some people now, and being open has made so much in my life easier! Unfortunately some people have made it harder for me, with comments. None of which was said to hurt me, but had! Again this is probably due to the fact they don’t realise how much i am hurting!
     
  2. silentsound

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    Wow, that is a really amazing story. It sounds like you had a lot of trouble accepting yourself in ways that I can totally relate to. I am so happy to see you're on the right track after so many years of trying to fight it. You are truly strong. Congratulations, you deserve it! (*hug*)
     
  3. James2612

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    Thanks!
    Its good to get it all down into words!! lol
     
  4. tazzie

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    Congratz,It prob feels like you have been born again you get to live life free of hiding ure true self i guess.
     
  5. Mickey

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    Just know that you're not alone. Most gay people go through what you've gone through.
    I'm glad that you're coming to terms with who you are. There will always be people who don't "get" gay people. Know what? It's their problem,not yours.
    I think your brother really helped you with accepting yourself,and that is awesome.
    You didn't say how your parents reacted,but I hope it went well.
    You are unique,for being you but you're not unique for being gay. There are MANY gay people out here.
    It helps to know that you're not alone. Thankfully,we have outlets,(like EC),that help us to be who we are meant to be.
    Congratulations on your journey. It's hard,at times,but it's so worth it. Always be proud of who you are.
     
  6. Flare

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    Great story and very well written. Your brother sounds fantastic too, I hope mine reacts the same although I'm doubtful.

    How did your parents take it?
     
  7. James2612

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    Thanks for all your comments!

    My mum was just really upset, but accepting! My dad hasnt really said a thing accept "Well there is nothing i can do about it" - but he has just carried on as if nothing has happened! lol - Nothing has changed with him at all. We dont really talk about it at all.... Its now as if i never came out!!! (Except the odd comment!)
     
  8. j1013

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    That is really fantastic, and I hope you continue to be as honest, open and hopefully happy.
    I think your story will give many people here the desire and confidence to be happy with who they are.
    Your story doesn't really discuss why your brother was asking, did he just have an incling? He seems like a very cool man.
     
  9. James2612

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    I think my bro had known for a long time, but never had the bottle to ask me!
    It took him a while to build the confidence to do it! And it was over the phone so i dont think he would have done it face to face!
    But i am so pleased he did ask, no matter how much i didnt want him to.
     
  10. j1013

    j1013 Guest

    i know what you mean! i have had a few mates who were like i thot so and im just like u coodve asked!!! My brother is clueless he keeps asking how the lovelife is and if iv met a girl. im just like.........
     
  11. ArabMan

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    !!!!??!! I must tell you that reading your story really touched me... It sounds like me!? I was freaking out as I was reading it. I just passed through the phase of thinking of moving away and finished with the phase where cut contact with most of my friends...

    And I came out to one family member (go figure, I'm not even sure how it all happened).
     
  12. James2612

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    Its so strange that looking back i can see why i did some of the silly things i did!

    Good luck Arabman, its hard but worth it in the end! It really does seem like we have similar storys!

    Thanks every one for your comments!
     
  13. Eleanor Rigby

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    Congratulations for your coming out. It must have been very hard and I know it took you a lot of courage to do it.
    (*hug*) Eleanor
     
  14. TriBi

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    Well done - and good on your Bro for pretty much 'pushing' you out and being so supportive!
     
  15. James2612

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    Thanks!!

    Yeah my bro was great support! Along with 2 others that told before the rest of the world!! Its amazing how great people can be!

    I am so much closer with every one now! Its great to feel open!!