went on a date

Well I know how you feel! I may be in high school, but I kind of share the same feelings as you. I always fall for straight guys while the guys who actually like me are way to flamboyant for my taste. =) I don't think it makes you a bad guy because you don't like effeminate men everyone is entitled to their own oppinion! So don't feel bad or sad because there are many gays that are masculine and only want to be with other masculine men. So just give it time, once you come out the first thing you learn is patcience (sp?, I'm a bad speller!). As for the issue of blind dates everyone is different so you shouldn't quit cold turkey. (I hope it helps even though it came from a snot nosed teenager. =P)

 

Ok. First of all, someone like you DEFINITELY does NOT need to lower their standards.

Secondly, I have actually reached the point where I know just as many gay guys who are what you consider masculine (as in I would have guessed they were straight if I hadn't known otherwise), and I can tell you that they may not be easy to find, but there are plenty out there. You will for sure find the right guy for you. And when things don't work out for him, you can just move on to the next of many that will be waiting in line to date you.

Thirdly, you definitely should not feel guilty about being honest in your disinterest with this guy. He is HUGELY in the wrong for trying to guilt trip you into anything more. That is just sad. Being honest with him is extremely admirable of you. You should be feeling proud of yourself if anything. I would HATE it if someone was leading me on just because they were too afraid to tell me otherwise.

By the way, what possible self image issues could you possibly have?! It obviously isn't anything based on your physical appearance, and judging from this little story, I think it's safe to say you have an impecable sense of decency.

 

No it wasn't wrong at all.

Blind dates can either end in 1 of 3 ways

Great!
So-so.
Terrible.

It's better to be honest then leading someone on.

This may sound corny, but honesty is the best policy.

 

Interesting post... You have a lot of questions and points in your post and I think you're in need of a second opinion. I hope I'll cover all your points:

1) being honest: it's your best policy but try not to be blunt about it, you may hurt people's feeling. For example, you felt uncomfortable because it was your first date with a man and you're obviously not into him (usually you know within 1 minute if the guy is a match or not ). So instead of telling him that in his face you can tell him something like, "I really enjoyed meeting you but I'm not sure I would be interested in meeting again... I have to think it through but I had an interesting evening". Leave it like that and the message is communicated smoothly...

2) effeminate guys: what you feel is not homophobia, it's discomfort against something new. Man have been provided since our childhood a masculine macho image that we have to keep and if we don't, we're perceived among those same macho men as a lower category of men. Now I DO NOT AGREE with that mentality and I'm totally against it, but that's the society we've been brought up in (at least most of us). Slowly but surely, you'll be more at ease with flaming queens

3) you not being into effeminate guys: that's ok if that's how you feel today. There is nothing wrong there or nothing to be ashamed of, it's a question of taste.

4) your first 2 conclusions: you're now anti blind dates and anti trusting others on their definition of masculinity based on ONE experience? lolol you should give it a few more tries don't you think? I mean, in all modesty, I believe I have a good judgment and I can tell you who's masculine or not...

Finally don't feel shitty, I've read a few of your posts and you seem to have a great personality, you're funny and smart!

 

Good points from people above. Let me post some thoughts of my own:

1) There really is no need to have issues with your image! As far as I can tell from your posts, you're funny, smart, outgoing and (if you don't mind my saying so) hot!

2) The chances that you were played by some creeper on the internet are pretty low. Everyone just has different definitons of what masculinity means, and blind dates aren't exactly a 100% effective way to match up ideal lovers. So any bad experience are more likely than not coincidential.

3) It is, in my experience, very easy to find clues of effzminacy in people that you know are gay. I'm not saying that this was Butchy McMale you met there, but in my experrience, it's easy to fall into a self-fulfikking prophecy where you latch on to little behaviours that could be considered effeminate, but you would never notice in a straight guy.

4) Try to keep an open mind. Sometimes you might be surprised by people you do not consider to be your type.

Now, with the last two points I don't mean you were wrong not to like him. Just that it's very easy to get a negative first image on some people, and after that everything gets interpreted in a negative light. Theory-ladenness of observation and all that.

All in all I think you should just see it as an interesting experience. And if you get into a different blind date, just go in and hope for the best. Rome wasn't built in one day either.

 

Bingo! You've got it. It's all about patience. It's going to happen eventually, just not right away. Just put yourself out there, meet some new people, and things will work out in the end.

Also, I definitely agree with Filip. From what I can tell, you never should have had any in the first place. I hope you realize that what ever self-image issues your having are completely unfounded.

 

You shouldn't feel bad at all. I'm sure he said he was more masculine than he was knowing you wouldn't have met him otherwise.

I'm the same, i don't feel comfortable around really effeminate guys.

I speak my mind tho, chances are i probably would have just said bluntly 'I can't be attracted to someone like you'



Has he contacted you since that last call?

 

I used to think there was no such thing as fellow masculine gay person.
I can't stand the little prissy queen nonsense that's shoved down everyones throat as a stereotype.
I was getting fed-up.

Now...TAH DAAHHH!!!!
I'm meeting up with a nice young chap.

 

Hey don't feel bad. Take a deep breath. My first date with a guy was a little awkward at first because I thought everyone was watching us. I just relaxed and wound up having a good time. Just think you got your first gay date out of the way.

You do not have to lower your standards. Your taste in men will slowly evolve. I had one vision of what I was attracted to then as I got out there, dating and meeting other men my idea of what I am attracted to has changed. Since you like sports and the outdoors, I would look for a gay sports club, a team or adventure club. Go out meet people and have fun. The more you are out the more you will meet people and become more comfortable with meeting gay guys from all over the place. Also the more you are relaxed the more confident you will be. You are a very attractive guy and you will meet someone. Just have patience.

 

Hey! Congrats on going out on a date! That's awesome.

Now... was this a 'blind date' that a friend set up, or a 'blind date' based on an internet site or something? Dates arranged by friends are the best kind - they know you and presumably know the other guy, and have an interested in not pissing off either one of you. Dates based on the internet are less certain. (Some) People aren't as honest as they could be. That's a fact of life.

I'm a firm believer in the fact that your 'perfect match' is out there somewhere. I always held out hope that if I was out there, someone similar to me could also be out there. And sure enough, I found him.

At the same time, my bf and I didn't instantly fall in love. We were friends first. We found that we really enjoyed each other's company - and we went from there. If you don't enjoy someone's comopany, there's no point in moving on. But be sure you've given them a shot. First impressions might not always be accurate.

Meeting someone in a club and asking them out - that THAT takes balls. It doesn't happen nearly as often as you think it does. And odds are, you're going mainly on looks at that point, and won't have had the chance to get to know them.

As you said yourself, you've learned something from the experience - and that's good. Chalk it up to experience and move on. In my opinion, you're doing great. Keep it up!

 

Yeah, I stressed a little about the gay stereotype too because I didn't fit it, and I wasn't into the guys who did. However, I've come to the realization that it's not even remotely accurate and gay guys just like the rest of the world fit into a broad spectrum of attitudes and personalities so be as picky as you need to be, and you'll find the right guy for you.

And don't ever feel pressured to go on a second date with someone you weren't into. Relationships aren't about forcing yourself to be with the any person you go on a date with.

That said, congrats on being out there and dating. I'm about to do that tonight myself. First date since coming out, and I'm pretty excited.

 

Have fun!

 

Yeah, preachin' to the choir. There is a particular guy I go to school with that I think I can honestly say is my true, real, CRUSH (at the late age of 22, go figure) and even saying one word to him or he saying one word to me lifts up my spirits in a way that I dont think I have ever felt before. When people say his name, Im pretty sure my heart jumps.

Wow, I'm gayyyyy.....