Kill myself

You are 16, those are not even real problems, just wait and you will be fine...
No reason to take it that far.

 

Not knowing what you want to do at 16 definitely doesn't mean you'll never be a success. Schools inflate the importance of your final year, because if you think it's the be all and end all of your life, you might work yourself to the bone and get good results, and it'll reflect well on them. It's not true. So many people don't find what they really want o do until long after they finish school.
If the thought that you don't want to add to the statistics is the thing that's keeping you attached to life, please hold onto that thought, and please try to find someone you can talk to. A school counsellor, a family doctor, a teacher, or if you can't find anyone you can confide in, get in touch with Kids Help Phone. I'm not sure about the Canadian version, but Kids Help Line in Australia is brilliant.
If you feel the urge to hurt yourself - cutting, or a suicide attempt - get someone to be with you, or get yourself into a public place. If there are people around you, you're less likely to do something terrible. Please get help and please don't kill yourself, because even if things look completely hopeless now, your life will get better.

 

Yes they blow it completely out of proportion.

I'm pretty sure I had a gay private piano teacher for a year. It wasn't a problem at all.
If your acne is bothering you this much then go see the doctor who will refer you on to a dermatologist. It's pretty normal for teenagers to get spots, they really aren't too bad.

Yes school is stressful but it ends soon enough. Also, schools should have counsellors. Maybe it would be worth talking to one of them.

Truth is, you aren't really failing to find a future. In fact your future is open to you. I don't know what I want to study at university, and my grades aren't stunning. And my subjects aren't really ones that lead to solid jobs. Does that mean I'm a failure? I really don't think so. Is that reason enough to just kill myself? Definitely not.

 

True they aren't as bad as some other problems, but they still plague him enough to contemplate ending his life. You can't rebuke that.

Also, you end up cutting yourself instead of doing the projects? What kind of logic is that? If you stop cutting yourself and actually do the projects, you'd have them done. A good piece of advice is if you get plenty of time to work on them, DONT procrastinate. If you do, then you can get easily fucked when they stack up like that. But if you have like a week, then really, its on you. I know playing video games, going out to a movie or chillaxing at the mall is fun and great, but it's not productive, schoolastic wise.

Maybe your acne is more advanced and potent than usual? Go see a doctor if nothing is working and he can probably give you something that will beat it. Acne is not undefeatable. I'm one of the lucky ones who rarely has skin problems, never had acne, seldom a pimple/zit, so I don't know what it's like to have acne, but it's not going to kill you. Many people get it. You're not alone in having it nor has any divine being cursed you with it to spite you.

What's URG? Or is that you grunting?

How is your future shitty? I mean really, nothings stopping you but yourself. You just gotta keep moving forward. College is a lot less stressful and HS is mainly a social playground. HS is rarely used to compare you in college unless you're going to Harvard or Berkly. Really, you can have the shittiest grades and still be accepted in most colleges. Many students at community colleges get their GED's there, and start college courses. It's not as hard as they make it. Nor do you have to have EVERY damn class in HS.

Pills are gross. And if you don't do it right you're going to die a very slow, very painful death. And that is going to really fucking suck. Nothing worst than living the worst 42 hours of your life in sheer, near comatose, agony. Vomiting and gurgling your innards out while your head feels like it'll burst out of your skull. Not a pretty thing; not for you, your parents, 'friends' as you put, nor any passerby. Don't kill yourself.

Suicide is escapism, nothing more.

You'll be fine. You just gotta keep on going.

 

Let a teacher gives you her advice : do not let school makes you crazy ! You are 16 and don't know what you want to do with your life ? Where's the big deal ? You've got plenty of time to figure it out ! And don't believe anyone who says that you are going to fuck your entire life at 16 ! They are mad. Study topics you like, do your best and give you some time.
The only way you can fuck your life right now is killing yourself.

 

Okay, several things...

First off, yes, if you are looking to go to uni, the last two years of high school can be important. But they are not life-defining by any stretch of the imagination. I knew a boy, in fact a gay boy, who got heavily into the rave scene and dropped out of high school. A few years later, he went back to school, completed his grade 12, and got into Commerce at UBC. I did computer science at UBC, worked for a few years, and now I'm back at school hoping to become a sociology professor. It's not always easy to "course correct" but what you do in high school does not determine the rest of your life.

Second, all careers depend on luck and many can be pretty unstable. Just look at the current economic situation: a good half of what happens in life is chance. The powers that be don't want you to realise this because if you do, then you realise that the whole "work hard and you'll be fine" myth is exposed as a lie. And it is a lie: sometimes bad things happen to great people. Sometimes we do everything we can and it's not enough. Life isn't about things being perfect and being a success. Life is about seizing the moment and enjoying what we get, and about making the best of what happens. We can influence what happens, sure, but we can never control it. Recognizing that powerlessness is hard, initially unpleasant, but it can be really freeing, too.

If you are into acting and music, if that is what makes your life worth living, you have to try for that. The alternative is to do what most people do, which is to just settle and kinda become deadened to life. I guess that helps them cope. I'd rather suffer and strive for something better than become that resigned, myself.

As for teaching, you're in Vancouver--if you can't make it as a gay teacher here, you can't make it anywhere. The Vancouver School Board (and several other local school boards) have really gay-friendly/welcoming policies. In terms of private teaching/tutoring, unless you big-time lisp or start drooling over their children, I doubt most parents are going to a) realise you're gay or b) care.

Okay, that sucks. There's no sugar-coating teachers being out to get you. But you get to do the solo--it sucks how it came about but you get to do it. Don't let being mad at your teacher rob you of that chance. You must be damn good for him to have had to override himself. Use the opportunity to show everyone exactly how good you can be.

Plus: OMG New York! It's a great city! I didn't get to go to New York when I was in high school! I know you have shitty stuff going on in your life, I'm not saying you don't. But you get to go to New York? That's pretty major if you ask me.

As for the English situation, do you have someone who can go to bat for you? A school counsellor? Your parents? Another teacher? Sometimes we end up stuck with lousy teachers but a lot of times there are ways around that.

Hmmn... okay, I totally think you have to be barred from killing yourself because that's one of the most brilliant comeback lines I've EVER heard. It would be criminal if you let that wit go to waste.

I don't know how exactly to advise you there except that your "friend" sounds like he's a total asshole. How is he a "friend" if he's taunting you? I hope you have some actual friends. All that aside, will you be the only pro-gay person in the Social Justice class? I'm guessing no, so just stick with the sensible people.

If things are as bad as cutting, then that kinda points in the direction of getting professional help. Support is great but there are people out there specifically trained to help out with serious stuff, and cutting is pretty serious.

I hear you about the school stuff with similar due dates. I'm dealing with the same thing. About the only thing that helps me is breaking everything into smaller pieces and just handling one piece at a time. That was it's not as overwhelming. And I take LOTS of breaks.

I don't pretend to understand acne in any kind of remotely scientific way but I know that the more stressed out I get, the more trouble I seem to have with my skin. And the better I eat, the better my skin usually is. So all I could recommend was work on finding things that decrease your level of stress (I swim and watch a ton of TV and movies, and vent to friends) and eat better. I guess that sounds kinda lame but it's all I've got in terms of "wisdom."

I do understand you wanting to hurt Stephen Harper. That man is awful and it's pretty sad he's our PM.

But I don't think it's next to impossible to be a gay teacher anymore. I mean, maybe in some place, sure, but in a major Canadian city? I think you'd be fine.

As for feeling equal--I get what you're saying. I don't think we're there yet. But we are a hell of a lot luckier than a lot of people in the world, including our neighbours to the south. Way way way luckier. Sometimes that's hard to see because it's so much easier to get discouraged by everything we don't have but if you start listening to stories from people from outside Canada, you come to realise we have a tremendous amount of stuff going for us. That doesn't mean we should be happy and content and be like, "homophobia is over because we have gay marriage" because as you know first-hand, it isn't. But if you can pull back your viewpoint a bit, maybe you can put what's going on in your life in better perspective.

Just today I was getting stressed about all the schoolwork I have to do in the next few weeks, and then thinking about the years I have ahead of me if I get into grad school. We're talking years and years, and I'm WAAAAY past high school and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm behind the curve and I should have started all this crazy grad school stuff long before now... and then I started thinking about just how privileged I am to even have been able to go to university--twice now. Some people just can't; they can't afford it or they didn't get the support they needed during high school or grade school to become a good enough student. Or they didn't live somewhere affluent enough to have schools that believed their students could get into university.

Bad things happen in everyone's life and sometimes there are no words for how badly that sucks. But there are always positive things going on, lots of which we take for granted. Seeing that is hard, I know. But you can do it. We all can.

Matt (Matty?)... don't. Just... it would break my heart if you did. The world needs more people like you, people who see the bad stuff in the world and who it drives crazy enough to want it to stop. Vancouver needs you. Canada needs you. And maybe someday if you're a teacher at a school, someone who feels just like you do now will need you, too. If you go now, you'll never know how it might all turn out.

I used to not understand how people could feel driven to suicide but I think I do, a little, now. All I can tell you is that my life now is so far from what I could have imagined it being when I was in high school... there really aren't the words. In a lot of ways it's more horrible than I could have imagined, and that's because I've suffered some losses recently that you just can't really prepare for. But in so many other ways, so many ongoing, daily ways, it's so much more than I had dreamed was possible. And you are so far ahead of where I was when I was 16--and maybe that makes it harder for you now. It's quite possible. But at the end of the day, you have something that very few people ever achieve, and that's vision. You can see a lot of the shitty stuff that going on--and only people who can see that ever have a hope of changing the world.

So please--go to New York, play your heart out, and floor everyone there. Do Grade 12, follow your heart, and go for what really excites you and makes you feel like you're flying. Maybe it won't work out--that's always possible. But you live long enough, you realise it really isn't about things going to plan--it's about what happens along the way.

 

Well, u don't have to listen to others telling that u made a wrong decision or whatever. It's their opinions anyway. They are just saying that, so you will just go with whatever study choice you prefer. They may be wrong too... so put away the worries.

Also... assignments. Every college or school bound to have piles of that on you. Hell, I have piles of that too... and I hate to count them and see how much they left. I rather pay focus to one, and then another one... and bang, you finished all of them! Just don't think too far! (*hug*)

You haven't seen the place where I'm staying, that's not even a good place for talking about gay rights at all. At the very least, Canada is still OK.

 

ya i know how much pressure school is. i just signed up for next year and it was so difficult to choose. like every one wants you to do things and its so confusing. i would do what you want to do and not listen to them. if you want to be a "homopedophile" clarinet teacher, just make sure you do it to the best of your ability and have fun with it
(*hug*)

 

Just a few thoughts for you...

1) Please, please consider talking to someone, particularly a professional. You're NOT the only person to have thoughts like this and there are plenty of people who will be interested in helping you get through this.

2) I think I'd be more worried if you DID know exactly what you want do with the rest of your life. The most unhappy people I know right now, are the ones who decided on a path before they really knew what they wanted. Do what you enjoy and as you go, you'll learn more about what's out there. I had no idea what I wanted to do in high school or college. After college, I found a job that I love, in a field I didn't know existed, and am now going for a master's degree in that area.

3) Think circle of control. In life, there are things that people do have control over (inside the circle) and things they don't (outside the circle). Try to focus on what you CAN do. You can do your best in your subjects, you can try to pick things you'll like, you can treat yourself well, and you can get yourself help. Try to judge yourself based on what YOU define as success, not what other people do.

I hope things start looking brighter soon.

 

school can be stressful, and i definitely feel your pain. sometimes i feel the same way you do, but really, it's all about stress-management. try to think in a positive light (i know it's a good old cliche, but still )
try to relax a bit. ur only 16. most people in that age have no clue what they want for their future. you have plenty of time to decide what you wanna do when you grow up.
i hope you feel better. and good luck in ur solo!

 

Matty, as others have said: please, don't do it!

There is a lot of pressure being put on you, but as you will no doubt discover years down the line, it's all complete and utter bull. Sure, finishing your final year is important, but really, no one is ever going to ask you what courses you took, and rarely is it going to matter what grades you had. If nothing seems interesting, just take the ones that seem the most interesting. Don't look back to your choices. Just make the best of it.

And people in highschool can be jerks. Pathetic, sick little jerks that you hope would just crawl up and die. They seem so confident in their jerkiness that it's easy to feel put down. Don't buy it. They're just as insecure as everyone else and are trying to hide it. And they make stupid decisions too. That guy taking social justice just to argue with you? He knows that there will be lots of other people there, right? I mean, the ones that took it because they're into what social justice stands for? In a few months he might be regretting that choice...

I was agonising all through my final years of highschool and the entirety of my university career and you know what? Now that it's all finished, everything turned out OK. I have a job I like, with colleagues that are almost like family, and I make a decent living. Even though the last few years I was convinced there was no future and felt I had ruined my life. And I know I'm not alone in this. Lots of people have been there and found out their lives turned out fine eventually. There is a future, even if you can't see it. And you evidently have tons of friends. The kind that shout down a teacher because they care for you (and you prove the teacher wrong by being awesome and cool, not by sabotaging him, so prove your friends right by being awesome) .

The fight for gay rights? Truth is we are winning, in the big picture. I remember what it was over 10 years ago, when I realised I was gay. Things have been steadily improving. And who knows how much farther we will have gone in another five years? Sure, Harper is a prick, but where has his posturing gotten him? Not one inch closer to getting gay marriage abolished.

In short: there is a future, and it's not looking all that bad. As almost anyone can attest, their lives have never turned out as bad as they feared it would. And neither will yours!

 

Phew, that's a relief, it really is. In fact, I couldn't concentrate on work after reading this thread... Good that you feel better. And if you ever feel down again... you know where to find us!

And I agree with you about my sig. I don't remember where I first read that line, but as I read it, it became my unofficial motto

 

ok, so your 16, have acne and dont know what your doing for the rest of your life. truthfully, you dont have to! the acne will go away and deciding what your gonna do is not something your expected to know at 16. even in college ppl still dont know what theyre gonna do.

ps- glad u feel better!

 

Just remember, the best advice you'll ever hear for suicide is something I once aheard nd will never forget, which says that "suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem"

 

I agree! you don't know REAL problems:dry: btw when your older your acne will go eventually, and just by washing your face won't make it go straight away, it takes time and by eating healthy and doing excercise, it will go faster :]

 

Hey Matt, don't be down. It's not that important to know what you want to do yet. Most colleges have a variety of degree programs, so you can always just choose the one you want after you get there. Once you figure it out, you can go to grad school if you need to, or maybe you won't even need to use your degree.

As for acne, who cares. It's like your own sexuality... you care a lot about it, but no one else really does. I had really bad acne, but it's in the process of going away. I used ProActiv, Acne Free, 8% benzoyl peroxide, minocycline, Differin, Duac Gel, Murad, and that stupid Zeno thing. And a couple more I know I'm forgetting. It'll go away in time, don't worry. It helps a lot to exercise, go outside, eat better, and stop touching your face if you have the habit of doing that while you're bored in class.

Don't put a permanent end to a temporary problem.

 

Hey, man, if you don't believe that you can be an openly gay teacher, look at Mr. Fleenor, the AP Literature teacher at Walton. Walton is in Marietta, Georgia, which is pretty much the border between the liberalism of Atlanta and the hateful conservatism of the rest of the Southeast. So don't deny yourself opportunities because you think you can't.

 

Life does get better in time when I was in a hard spot I would think of the little tiny happy things and put all my energy into whatever that was and it does help hope you feel better.