Hey, Massive step, coming and joining this site but I've got to the point where I just need to talk and hopefully get some advice. I'm 25 and have had an inkling I was gay from about 15. I was never interested in boys at school and that has very much continued. Can't say I've ever felt sexually attracted to men, despite having relationships. I have always felt attracted to women, in TV programes or films. Funnily enough I actually remember watching the Ellen coming out episode when it aired and thinking "oh I get it now". So admitting to myself that I'm gay isn't really the problem. The problem is, I have allowed myself to develop very strong feelings for someone I work with, who is a lesbian. I actually had feelings for her before I even knew she was gay. The trouble is, she is the head of my department (i'm a teacher) and a close friend. The whole department of about 4 girls are very close. If I did come out, it would have massive implications for me, her and the department. The staff room gossip mill would run on over drive. Most importantly, I would get my heart broken as she is bound to reject me. Possibly because of the age gap, possibly because of the work conflict and more than likely because she isn't interested. I'm sure I have convinced myself she does have minute feelings for me but thats just wishful thinking on my part. More than anything I want to see if a relationship could work between us. Coming out to my family doesn't scare me that much, I feel that they would be understanding after the inital shock. I'm sorry for the essay (but I am a History teacher!) but if anyone could share their thoughts on the matter, I would very much appreciate it. Really I just need some input, I literally cannot talk to anyone about this so you guys are my hope! No pressure... :icon_bigg
This seems to be happening to everyone lately. I'm just getting through the same thing at work only he's straight and engaged. My answer was to just put some space there and ask myself what was turning me on so much. In the end I realized that it was mostly mystery. I've known him on a best friend level for like two months and I still can't figure out what in the hell he's thinking. Mystery and unpredictability get me I guess. After I figured that out, and acknowledged the fact that I'm lonely as hell, It got a little easier, but it kept coming back. So I started looking elsewhere specifically for a mate and low and behold, Mr. best friend lost a lot of that charm. Figure out why she gets you so worked up. Don't rule anything out. Looking back, my friend is a lot like my mom. Maybe it was a Freudian thing. I don't know. But I think moving on is definitely the best Idea here. Work and Play just don't mix most times.
u could tell her your a lesbian. from there, it will be mostly up to her if she wants to make something more of your friendship.
I think it could get messy if you were to engage into a relationship with your department head. But i don't think the fact that shes a lesbian should discourage you from coming out. You could talk to her about the best way to do it. Good luck with this and let us know how it all turns out! PS welcome to EC
You could talk to her as your superior and ask for advice about coming out at work. DONT try to come on to her. If she is a lesbian, I am sure that she is bound to be very kind and understanding about it. After all, she did go through the same thing. Also, I have no idea where you live, but in many areas, parents dont take well to the idea of a gay teaching their kids. Unfortunately, we had a very messy situation at my high school. Just be wary!
You have made progress by accepting yourself, and handling it quite well. You should get to know her outside of work, invite her over for dinner, schedule a trip to the mall, or go to a social event with her. If there are feelings between you, let it develop naturally, do not rush it. The thing is, if you are worried about how this will affect work, it is best you keep it a secret. As you said, it is a "Gossip Mill" and gossip can be very harmful to a reputation. Some of the others may think you are getting special attention because of the relationship, so for now, just don't mention anything if you two do get together. Now, if someone asks you about it, I do not suggest lying, that usually makes things worse, you may be put on the spot and have to out yourself, but love can be a dangerous thing. ~Splinter
Welcome to EC! Coming out is one thing. But lemme toss out this oh-so-delicate bit of wisdom - "don't shit where you eat". Office romance is never a good idea. Office romance with your superior is an especially bad idea. So long as you and she are working together, especially on different levels, the idea of getting together with her shouldn't even be on the table. Lex
Having just recently experienced this, I am agreeing 100% with this. Unfortunately this sort of stuff can ruin friendships and working environments; be careful. Having said that, there is not necessarily an issue with you coming out to her, as long as it is not with the intention of announcing your unstoppable love for her. Good luck, and welcome to EC! :eusa_danc
Thanks for all your comments, really good to hear what others think, especially if you have had a similar experience. It's funny that so many of you should be against office romances, I'm the same, always saying "don't dip your toe in the company pool!" I very much realise that a relationship with her would not be a good idea whilst we work together, no matter how strong my feeligs are. We are already very close, go for dinner a lot and socialise on our own, I would be devastated to lose that. I'm also glad that some of you suggested coming out to her first, that had crossed my mind and it's reassuring to know others think it could be a good step forward for me. I know that she had a very difficult time coming out, much if the reason as to why she moved from her home in N.Ireland. She has been massively supportive during recent helath worries with family so fingers crossed she would be the same. Just going to be the hardest conversation to get started!! Coming out at work is kind of a 3 fold situation- you come out to your close knit colleagues and leave it at that. I feel pretty ok with that,seens as C is already out and they are all completly fine. Then you can come out to te wider staff, which for me maybe too far, I don't want to their personal lives so they don't need to know mine. As for the kids and parents, definantly not! As said before, can lead to a very sticky situation. I'm from England and hope that most would be accepting but I'm not naive!! Again thank you all so much for taking the time to think about my situation and replying, I really do appreciate any nuggets of wisdom!
