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Struggling with myself.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by tm74, Feb 13, 2009.

  1. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    I don't know if anyone here has any advice - I just feel I need to have a bit of a moan.

    After a tough old week (work-wise) tomorrow is valentines. Now I do have a plan - I'm meeting some friends who all live a few hundred miles away (they're all single too) - so this isn't a 'alone on v-day' post.

    I'm just going through a phase of being unsure about myself, it's been such a long time getting to realizing what I am, accepting myself is a struggle. I know I'm not attracted to women, but I just don't feel all that bothered about guys either. Maybe I'm just on a low ebb at the moment... Maybe i'm just overtired and missing daylight - I dunno.

    Thanks for letting me vent and Reading this far
     
  2. myra

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    asexual maybe? or...pansexual like me and haven't ran across any good personalities for awhile.
     
  3. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    Asexual I'm familiar with - no desire to 'be with' either gender - not familiar with pansexual (and not going to google it at work either)

    I don't think I'm asexual though, more just at a time when I have a low drive...
     
  4. Lukee

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    Asexual:
    A living organism who
    A)is flat out not interested,
    B)has been emotionally disturbed previously in their lifetime to the point of no longer desiring a mate to breed with,
    C)is capable of reproducing by itself, or
    D)has looking into the details of having sex, and simply doesn't find it worth it.

    Pansexual:
    A pansexual is someone who isn't influenced by the binaries and labels surrounding gender and sexuality. This can mean attraction to anyone regardless of their gender identity or sexual orientation. Some pansexuals take it a step further to be openly against those labels and definitions, considering them to be destructive and alienating.

    Example:
    During their date he was relieved to find out she was pansexual, and that sharing his transgendered status wouldn't be the hassle it often was with other people.

    Some defenitions to clear everything up. (If anything is wrong, please correct it!)
    And as for your situation, I think that maybe if you know your not into women but aren't reall that much into guys at the moment, try going out a bit or go to some clubs(yes, clubs might be a bit out there!) to try and find someone? I'm not sure if it will work but it's only a suggestion!

    Anyway, good luck!
     
  5. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    B (above) may be part of it. In terms of simply the physical I find the male body more appealing than the female - certainly a good looking bloke will get a second look in a similar way that my straight friends may check out a woman. I don't "get" what straight blokes see in (so called) "hot" women.

    I think a lot of how I'm feeling might be simply being tired and stressed, at the moment I simply think I want companionship more than anything else.
     
  6. carrie90

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    im a new member and joined just to say what im scared to say in everydy life. I have had bfs all my life but have recently started seeing a girl. It all happened when we was getting drunk she had been my friend for ages and we was havin a night in and things got crazy and she kissed me i totally freaked out but have now been seeing her in secret. Im completely crazy about her but am really confused about who i am any advice?
     
  7. carrie90

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    sorry ignore that message posted it in wrong place lol sorri again
     
  8. curiousdude

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    High stress and exhaustion leads to low sex drive. Depression, too.

    You might want to just take some time for yourself. Get rested, do something you enjoy, get a massage, etc. It will yield huge dividends.
     
  9. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    curiousdude. Thanks. I suspected it might be a simple result of stress, exhaustion (which are themselves linked) and the "winter blues" - I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder - and use a light-therapy box from time to time to help get my seratonin levels up.

    Today however, it being Feb 14th with all the implications of that - I spent the day with a group of my single friends (whom I don't see very often, as they live a long way from me) and had a throughly relaxing and enjoyable day. (oh, and one of them is a) gay, and b) cute - but I've not come-out to this group of friends yet...)

    I've noticed that with this group I'm more relaxed as I'm trying much less hard to "hide" the real me, and I'm not thinking about "appearing straight" to them (as I do every day at work) - if they figure it out, so be it...
     
    #9 tm74, Feb 14, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2009
  10. 1974

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    Definitely stress TM, i go through that too when you just get unsure i thinks it is still part of the whole coming out and realisation time.

    Eventually it settles, i has with me with the more people that know, hang in there and most importantly love yourself for who you are.

    (*hug*)
     
  11. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    Thanks John - I also decided this morning to tell the guy mentioned in post 6 above - so I sent him an email (albeit one that took about 4 hours of editing and was still far too long) - as I've only recently gotten to know him, there's kinda less "history" to the friendship... so "being me from the start" kind of thing. Plus, it's another "real-world" gay friend I can hopefully talk to about this stuff...

    T.
     
  12. curiousdude

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    Relaxing with a cute gay guy--can't beat that! :eusa_danc
     
  13. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    (of course, I meant post 9, not 6) - Shame I couldn't tell him until after though... plus he's too young for me... but hey...
     
    #13 tm74, Feb 16, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2009
  14. Lexington

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    >>>I suspected it might be a simple result of stress, exhaustion (which are themselves linked) and the "winter blues" - I suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder - and use a light-therapy box from time to time to help get my seratonin levels up.

    I've got a minor bit of SAD. Oddly, the thing that helps the most? $2 strings of Christmas lights. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  15. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    Been reading up on asexuality a bit - I don't think it describes, I want something, but I'm too confused at the moment...

    Certainly I'm into men, that's no in doubt. Pictures of shirtless (or more :icon_wink ) guys definitely "do it for me" - Whether I personally want penetrative sex with another guy (either as a top or a bottom) is a different question. I certainly want to do other things, but I'm just, I suppose, "uncertain" is the word about anal sex, either as a top or a bottom. I'm not sure whether to start a new thread about that question, or just carry on here...

    :help:
     
  16. EM68

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    For a while when I was struggling with my sexuality there was a period of time where I had no sex drive. I knew I had not desire to be with a woman and did not ever think of being with a guy. Now that I know what I want, I know I want to be with a guy... and now :grin:.
     
  17. Lexington

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    I remember seeing a survey that said roughly 50% of gay men "rarely" or "never" engage in anal sex. People have since questioned that figure, and I haven't been able to find the survey again. But even if that figure is too high, I do think it does indicate that being gay means you're gonna have anal. Some gay guys (and couples) simply would rather do other things.

    Lex
     
  18. The Enigma

    The Enigma Guest

    Hmm. Having no sex drive has not happened to me yet...But I do implore you to act on your emotions a little bit. I see a lot of closeted men who're beginning to slip past their prime who regret not saying something. :slight_smile: Do SOMETHING. Buy yourself something new and wear it around the house to remind yourself and give you a self confidence boost. Sex is only truly enjoyable when in the right mind set. Sure you may be dating George Cloony (sorry only one I could come up with and I think hes not hot) but unless you feel hot too, it can damage you. :slight_smile:

    At least that is my two cents.
     
  19. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    This thread is going all over the place - sorry... I'm just keeping all my random ranting in one place - and apologies in advance for this...

    Again thanks... I'm just really struggling at the moment - I know deep down that I'm attracted to guys, but I'm having real problems coming to terms with it and accepting it - I may never really do so (thanks to my upbringing and all). Coming out to a few more people hasn't really helped, and I'm just, I dunno "nervous" is probably the right word about how things may happen in the future.

    That obviously includes the physical aspects of a relationship - I need company, I need companionship, I need friends I can be myself with - and who understand me. sex is a long way down the list of things I want at the moment... I'm just very confused I suppose... I can imagine waking up next to another guy - the companionship, the "having someone to come home to at the end of the day" thing - more than the physical aspects.

    Maybe this is the "winter blues" and stress talking...

    maybe it's the gaping hole where the couple who I first came out to used to occupy in my life (another story there, but it seems that I managed to blow that frienship right about the time I needed it most - nothing to do with being gay - more to do with being clingy and leaning on them a bit too much when they were the only people I had around me who I was out to.)

    Sometimes I just feel so alone...

    There are times when a (*hug*) isn't enough, and I want a real arm around my real shoulder... sigh... :eusa_booh
     
  20. tm74

    tm74 Guest

    Thanks Enigma

    I'll admit I don't feel hot. I look in the mirror and see a 260lb hairy lump. (and no, I'm not posting photos!). I'm working on that - a while ago I was a 285lb hairy lump... but it's a daily struggle!

    Lex, thanks - it's nice to know that I'd probably not be alone in looking for someone more interested in hugs, massage, etc rather than full-on anal.

    (oh, and as for George Clooney... nah... Ianto from Torchwood... that's a whole other story... :wink: )
     
    #20 tm74, Feb 16, 2009
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 16, 2009