my dad....

I resently moved in with my dad... Its really uncomfortable. I dont know if I can handle staying here. It feels like every other thing he says is a homophobic retort of some kind. Its driving me INSANE!!!! I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I think I just need to vent.
He and his wife have a baby on the way, he made a comment the other day that made me really uncomfortable. The baby is a Girl, but dad said, If it turns out to be a boy he's not going to be happy because he has bought all kinds of Girl things, and said "I'd have to take all that shit back because there is no way I'm going to raise a fucking homo." It really upset me.
I was talking to my mom about what had happend, she offered for me to move back in with her, and I think I'm going to accept, but when he asks why I dont want to stay with him I'm going to have to tell him its his homophobic attitude. The thing is, my mom doesnt want me to tell him :icon_sad: I've decided I'm going to go thru with it anyways. I'm going to wait untill after the Superbowl party because I dont want any drama to ruin the occassion. Monday I plan on packing up my stuff and leaving tho. I dont know if I want to tell him in person or if i should leave a note or what. I feel like such a chicken, not being able to confront him about it.
I seriously doubt he will take the news well. He has a nephew who is gay, but he doesnt claim him, and talkes alot of crap about him behind his back, and it pisses me off that I bite my tounge when he does, even tho I've never even met the guy. It stresses me out SO MUCH. I thought I was done with all the "hard" coming outs. I guess I was wrong. :bang:
He has never really been a dominate part of my life. I mean he has only even started to come around in the last couple years.... I really dont want to just pick up my stuff and go, I'm probly going to have to talk to him face to face. I want to live there but I'm not going to live a lie. This is so stressful :help:

 

Thats sort of what I had planned.

Well thats what my mom suggested, but I want to tell him. No matter how he takes it I still have my mom. I dont like him having a false intupritation of who I am. I'm way over trying to make everyone else happy by hiding a part of me that I've come to embrace.

The reason I went to live there is becaose I'm having issues finding a Job here, and he lives like 5 min outside his town, and my mom lives like 15-20 min from the closest town. He offered for me to stay there, I accepted mostly out of convinience, but I just cant make it work under these circumstances.

 

Well my deadline was pushed up to this afternoon. on the night of his Superbowl Party ._. My Little brother is riding up with me for the party and he has to come home tonight for work, so I cant tell him monday like planned. But I have decided to write him a Letter give it to his wife to give to him after the party is over, Even if she does read it she wouldnt give it to him befor everyone is gone. I'm so nervouse I doubt i'll get any sleep at all tonight.

 

OK, I gave the note to Tiffany (his wife) befor me and my brother left, but I havent heard from him, I sort of didnt expect to hear back right away I know there has to be time for it to sink in and stuff. Writing the letter and giving it to Tiffany was ALOT easier than I thought it would be. I hardly felt nervous at all handing her the letter, asking her to give it to him after the everyone was gone, or on the whole ride home. And Its not the sureal numbness that used to come with coming out. Its to the point where it feels like telling people I'm gay is like telling them about any other attribute of who I am.

It feels so weird, I feel akward about being so stressed on this tread. I've said for a while that being gay doesnt dominate who I am, but its a part of who I am. Yet, I still expected to feel some sort of emotional struggle or doubt about this being the right thing to do when I got there, but I didnt. I was confident that this is the right thing to do. I feel proud that I was able to have that confidence.

I also thought I would be nervous, driving myself insane sitting next to the phone waiting for some sort of responce from him. I really dont care how he responds at this point tho. Sure I would like to be embraced, but if I get rejected so be it. Im done fretting over who will like me and who wont when I come out. I love me, and I have alot of suportive and loving people in my life to fall back on. Even if everything doesnt work out, thats Life, I'll happily take the good with the bad. After all how would I be able to recognize one without having experianced the other.

 

OK, I talked to my dad's wife today. She gave him the letter after everyone left without reading it. She said she could tell something was different about him when after he read it. Yesterday he let her read it. She said when they were talking about it he was trying not to cry. She said it was hard for him to believe, and he blames himself.

She asked me not to tell him her and I talked because he wants to talk to me, but he doesnt know how to right now. She also said she is glad that I told him. I always knew she was an AWESOME Stepmom lol

 

I talked to my dad... He doesnt belive that i am gay. He told me that i am insacure and that someone it trying to pray on my insacurities... He said that if it is true then i am going to hell, and he thinks someone is trying to take advantage of me, becouse he doesnt thing i act like im gay... because i am not the steriotypical gay guy doesnt mean im not gay....

He also told me that im not going to bring that "shit" around him. I told him that i dindt ask for him for him to condemn what i felt, and i never implied that i would bring a guy around him.

He called my mom to try to make her kick me out so that i would have not choice but to live with him so that he could control my life, but thankfully my mom told him that i am almost 20 years old, and she wont kick me out becouse she loves me, and he cant control my life becouse i am an adult, she told him that he can make suggestions, but i am an adult and i make choices for myself now, although this isnt a choice.

Honestly, how is this a choice, who in there right mind would choice to be objected just becouse the wanted to be objected. I used to wish i was normal, like everyone else. I used to wish i was attracted to girls, just because that is what was expected of me. But that is not who i am, it is not how i turned out.

I have come to terms with who i am. Im sorry that my dad had not accepted who i am, but maybe he will in time. im sorry but that is just how it is. please let me know if you have any advice. please let me know if you have anything to say, possitive of negative, i really need advice. I want to knwo what you guys think. I've come to trust you all. Please tell me if you have anything to say, anything at all, I love you guys, the comunity of EC has helped me to accept mysefl, you dont know how much you guys mean to me, i am litteraly tearing up writing this. I really do love this community and i would trade nothing to be apart of you guy. please be honest in your responces.

Thank you for your time reading about my problems and offering you help no matter how assinine my problems are, the community here is amazing, and you have helped me thru so much. thank you so much, I can hardly see my eyes are tearing up so much, you dont know how much this comunity means to me. thank you for everythin.