I feel a bit scared posting asking for support/advice... i know that's a bit silly but I'm not usually comfortable reaching out at all... How can someone get past the feeling that it would be literally impossible to come out--in particular to the person that they love & trust the most? it seems like such an irony to me that i trust & love them, and yet... i can't do it. i can't. & they're accepting in general, but... i'm still terrified. i'm terrified that if i tell them, that... i don't know, it's probably crazy, but i'm terrified something bad will happen, that they will take it in such a way that they might become sick or... on & on worst case scenario thinking. i've been driving myself sick thinking like this, and i'm already not exactly the pillar of health or mental health... heh. i came so close to telling them recently but there was a false alarm related to their health and that pushed me away from doing so and made me more afraid to do it. now i just worry about them constantly even without the worries about coming out. even though they say they're okay now... i still worry 24/7, literally, about that, about the rest of it, everything... i'm afraid this sounds completely crazy & that i'll delete it & that it makes no sense. :icon_redf i'm sorry.... thank you for reading.
I think just about everyone feels that way, a bit. I know I do. However irrational it might seem, I just can't picture myself ever coming out to them. Even though I know it needs to happen. All this talk of "Just do it, they'll love you anyway, blah blah blah" just doesn't feel like it applies to me.
wow, i know what you mean. see, i know that most of my friends and family would be really supportive and wouldn't mind me being gay at all...but i still can't tell them. there is just this blockade, i just CAN'T tell them, i don't even know why. i've had so many perfect coming out opportunities and i still haven't used any of them. it's annoying me but i jsut can't help it...maybe i'm just too shy?!
You are letting your thoughts take you to their deepest and darkest places. You need to practice turning your thoughts around. Its like trying to swim upstream when you think like this. Imagine just turning around and swimming downstream and letting the current carry you to more pleasant thoughts. Then think about the good that can come from coming out to the people that you love. Read some of the good and successful coming out stories here on EC and imagine that it was you. You will be feeling better and more confident in no time.
Thank you for the responses! Lying & Zoe, I could really relate to a lot of what you both said in your posts... I've passed on a lot of times that would've been easy opportunities to tell them... and am shy which probably doesn't help. :icon_redf Becky, your response stood out for me because it's a parent that I'm having this problem with... I like your ideas/advice & will definitely use it. I think my main block is that i'm too protective of them -- never want to cause any upset or worry & just want them to be okay & things to be perfect for them... if that makes sense? :-/
I totally understand where you're coming from. I'm shy too and it feels like this poses a huge problem for me. I'm not out to that many people aside from other queer people and I feel a wall form around my words whenever I want to discuss this issue with people I love. have you come out to other family members? perhaps they could be a means of support when you talk to that person. I accidentally came out to my mom when I wasn't ready and ever since, I've been sort of awkward and uncomfortable to discuss the subject with her, even though I know she's got questions. talking to my sisters about it has helped give me little nudges towards being more open about it.
No, not yet... I guess maybe there's family friends I could try, or work on other family members. I'm out but like you wrote, mainly to other people in the glbt community so it felt quite a bit different than this... thanks for the response! i'm glad your sisters have been able to help you.
The first thing you have to know, is that what you feel is totally normal. It happens to all of us. Remember that all this, is about you, not about them. With this, what I mean, is that you will tell when you are ready, when you feel strong and confident. I havent told my parents yet either, but there is no hurry. If you dont feel like telling, you dont have to do it at this moment. I think its better at this time, if you foccus your energy on self acceptance and support. When you finally tell them... who knows... maybe there answer will be...I suspected you were gay for a long time. So what? you are still the same person and we love you. What you can do starting now, is stop torturing yourself about telling them at this point of your life. Its not like you have to confess a crime right away because you feel guilty.
:smilewave I came out to a friend/coworker for the first time about 6 days ago. That first person was the hardest. It was also the biggest deal as I was telling him my biggest secret. The hardest part is getting used to the the idea of others knowing. I have the story over in the coming out section if you want to read it. The next few were hard also. Here is the thing about fear. You can turn it inside out. You do that and it becomes a very powerful motivator. I decided to come out at work first because I spend a lot time of with these people. I spend more time with them than I do my family, so I felt it is an important place to be myself. It felt so good to come out that first time that I could not stay in any longer. I just bolted right out of that door. I have gone from no one knowing, to just about everyone except my parents in less than a week. It has gotten a lot easier to tell people also. It is no longer a secret and I don't care if others know. Heck one person today asked if it is ok if he tells him wife. I told him it is not a secret, he can tell anyone he wants. I wish my parents did not live in another state because I want to tell them today. I know it won't be easy, but nothing worth while ever is. My point is this. Come out to friend or sibling first. Start with someone you trust and go from there. Second, don't feel that you have to be out in a hurry. You'll know when it is time to be open. I know I came out to everyone quickly, but that is in my personality. It may take me a while to make a decision, but when I do I execute and I don't look back.
Sounds to me like you're almost forcing yourself to be ready to come out. Don't do that. If you're honestly not ready, don't do it yet. You've got to make peace with yourself first. It took me over a month from the time i accepted my sexuality to be able to come out. It may have been two or three. I can't remember exactly. My point is...you have to be completely comfortable with yourself first. Only then will you be ready to come out to others. Just give yourself time. You'll know when you're ready.
