Hey Friends, So I am heading home this Christmas and hoping to come out to my siblings (aged 15-20). I came out to my parents over a year ago, and although they were glad I told them what was going on in my life, they don't approve of homosexuality. In fact, they asked me not to tell anyone else (advice I have ignored and fought with them about). I think that the root of my parent's not wanting me to come out to anyone is their concern about how homosexuality is immoral and unChristian, how it will tarnish our family's reputation, and subsequent belief that I'm better off if I don't just tell anyone. My parents and siblings don't know anyone who is openly gay and are very uncomfortable with what they perceive to be "the gay lifestyle." I don't live at home anymore (been away for four years), but I really feel like my family and close friends deserve to know. However, since this is very unfamiliar to them, does anyone know of some resources (book? film?) that would address these concerns? If I purchase something that is appropriate, I could give it to my family when I go home this Christmas. I don't really want to bother trying to convince them that being gay isn't sinful, I just want something easy to watch or read that will allow them to consider that I'm not a horrible person just because I'm gay. Any advice?
Hello, While there are resources out there (better for someone else to guide you in that area), a simple movie, book, pamphlet is not going to be the ultimate answer, it will only enable further fruitful discussion (that is if they are open). This is where it becomes important for those who would like to help to know a little more about the situation, since different religious backgrounds foster vastly different reactions. Therefore, the first question I have for you, which Church (denomination) do they belong to? Then, are they truly faithful or are they merely religious? There is a big difference. What is your personal stance on the compatibility of homosexuality and the Church? Finally, have you found that you can integrate your sexuality and your Christian spirituality; or have you rejected Christianity? I hope I haven't been too probing, Yours on the way, Jase
Hey, thanks for asking. They belong to Conservative Christian Reformed/Presbyterian churches. Their theology is really traditional and conservative (don't let women become pastors, don't accept homosexuality, kick 'sinners' [unwed mothers] out of church, etc.) (This is true moreso for my brother than my sisters.) I would say they're truly faithful: my parents are involved in church boards and missions, and my siblings play musical instruments in church and are in charge of young adult Bible Studies. My personal views are that the church should be accepting homosexuality and encouraging GLBT Christians to live fully in the church and affirm same-sex relationships. I attend a church that takes this stance, and appreciate it. So, I guess you could say that "I have found that I can integrate my sexuality and Christian spirituality." (There's a lot more there, but I don't feel like writing it all out tonight. The thing that I'm worried about is that sometimes my family can be really grumpy and judgmental, and I don't want to take it upon myself to have to defend my views homosexuality to them and be always disagreeing with them. Instead I just want to open their eyes and let them know that I'm not some sort of dysfunctional creature but rather someone they still need to love, accept, and converse with and be open to the idea that I might be bringing a boyfriend home someday. I hope that clarifies things!
The best advice I can offer is to just be yourself. I have a family that, honestly, I didn't realize how racist, homophobic, and judgmental they are until awhile after I came out. I had a big family Christmas/Thanksgiving (Grandma's in MI from Florida, so we did it in one shot while she's here), and during the evening, I was still able to chat with one uncle about going to Canada, another uncle about cars, and I was able to play some games just fine. Why? I was just who I am. Just be yourself and if they're any kind of family worth associating with, they'll eventually figure out that you're still the person they've always known and still treat you with some respect. If you suddenly start making homosexuality the only topic of conversation, it'll work against you. However, don't be scared to speak up if they start making inappropriate comments, either.
You could get a copy of For The Bible Tells Me So for them. You are in luck, its even on sale for the holidays! http://firstrunfeatures.com/forthebibletellsmesodvd.html When you give it to them tell them that may or may not agree with everything in it and that is okay but you would like it if they watched it. You can even discuss it with them afterwards. Another thing I'd do is invite your family to go to YOUR church with you when they visit. Just being in an church environment that does accept GLBT people can be an eye opening experience.
Thanks for the great advice! xequar, what you've said is very true. It's not a huge issue, and I shouldn't make it one. At the same time, I have a responsibility to stand up for myself and for the gay community when needed. Right now I'm only ready to tell my siblings and maybe some close cousins -- I don't think that my aunts and uncles need to know right now, and I don't think my parents would be able to handle that. My paternal grandparents will never be OK with it. beckyg - Thanks as well. I had seen some reviews of the documentary before, and had actually thought of purchasing it, and now I did and it should be at my place next week! I ended up purchasing it through amazon (along with two books that will probably be good for my parents and my sister), since the site you gave me didn't ship to Canada. At least I don't think so. Anyone else with any advice? Stories? Posts you can direct me to? I've been getting a little nervous, but I think that I will be ready and maybe I'll also write them all letters just explaining some stuff in case I'm not clear and so that they have something to refer to if "it just doesn't make sense" to them.
If they're at all interested in musical theatre (I have no idea, this just popped into my head), there's a fantastic show called Bare about two gay students going through Catholic school. It shows how religion can have a wonderful effect on gay teens, and also how, when used in certain ways, can have an absolutely tragic effect. This is shown through each of these boys, as each receives two very different treatments of the Christian faith. It leaves the listener to decide what is the best way. I personally think it's a fantastic way to show a religious person that being accepting of homosexuality doesn't mean giving up or tarnishing their faith. I would keep in mind that there is a lot of language, and some drug themes in it, but I would encourage that you check it out first, and depending on your siblings, show it to them. Just listening straight through the CD was enough to make me sob. It also brought one of my Christian friends to accepting me. You can order the CD here: http://www.barethemusical.com/ You can read the synopsis here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bare,_a_Pop_Opera There are also some YouTube clips where you can watch parts of the Off-Broadway performance. Even if you don't show it to your family, it's a beautiful and touching piece of art that you should check out on your own.
Ok I have some advice hetero brothers are stupid. They won't get it at first they'll be all "why can't you just like girls?!" Though I haven't come out to my family I have seen the way that they react to gays and that was pretty much there response. I know how you feel my family spells Catholic with a capital C. They too think its wrong to be gay and that its not god's will or whatever...
trying2behappy has it right there. Hetero Brothers are MUCH less likely to be understand at first. I would choose to come out to your sisters before and "test out the waters". If they are hard-core into a religion that is opposted to homosexuality its hard to be fully 100% accepted from them after all the years of brainwashing. Its proboly rooted into there minds by now that homosexuality is not good. Try and (in a KIND way) explain how you are the same as them, you didnt choose this, remind them your the same person, reminisce about good times, and the *key* thing is timing.
Thanks everyone for the advice. I bought some books and the movie for my family to check out, and hopefully they'll be open/accepting. I was telling my parents that I'm going to tell my brother and sisters too, and they weren't too happy about it all. I guess my mom has been having a really hard time with it because she feels like she can't talk to anyone because everyone she knows just thinks that all homosexuals are all bad people (so much for churches being places for support!). I'm hoping that telling my sisters will give my mom at least SOMEONE to talk to, and hopefully she'll get to a place where she can discuss it with some of her friends, because I'm sure that some of them would be understanding and supportive. I think she might go into some counseling though. As for my brother, yeah I feel what you two guys (loveislove and trying2behappy) are saying. My brother is 20 and really conservative. My dad was like "Why would you ever want to tell him??" I told him it was because I would rather that my brother knew than be afraid of what he would do if he found out. He might be really mad or not want to talk about it or (hopefully not) decide not to talk to me... but whatever. At least I'll know his response then. Sorry I've been away for a while -- it's been a busy week and now I have some packing to do!
You may also want to read 'Faith in Our Families" by PFLAG. It helped me a bit. I am a little afraid my twin brother but I decided that I want him to know no matter what. Good Luck!
Thanks. Yeah a really nice lady in my church gave it to me with about 30 other pamphlets to look at. A little overwhelming, but I'll find the ones that are appropriate for the family.
I am going to our monthly PFLAG meeting tomorrow night. I plan to get a couple of pamphlets on coming out to parents.
Very cool! Congratulations and I hope that goes well for you. I've never gone to a PFLAG meeting, but I'm thinking about it. They're a pretty active organization in my city, according to the lady who gave me the information.
It's been good to talk to people face to face. What ever is discussed is held in confidence. I suggest you go. I have even been able to help a few others which had been cool.
