My story so far......

Hi. I have been reading the posts here for a few months, so I thought it was about time I told my own story.

I'm 18 years old. I grew up in a fairly conservative, rural area. Looking back, I always knew I wasn't like most other people, but I just didn't have a clue what it was.

I was never any good at sports-I was more interested in music and drama and stuff. I remember back when I was in primary school, the other boys used to talk incessantly about all these "hot" women, and I would sit there, and nod my head when appropriate. But in reality, I just didn't get. It didn't make any sense to me.

Despite all this, it never crossed my mind that I might be gay. It was unheard where I grew up. That's not to say that I didn't know that there were gay people out there. I had a plan laid out before me- finish school, get a job, marry, have kids. Anything else wasn't an option.

So, I continued to delude myself. When I was maybe 12, I first started to feel attracted to other guys. You would think that at this stage, alarm bells would be ringing in head. No such luck however. Even though I acknowledged that I felt attracted to guys, I convinced myself that I wasn't gay. If you want to look at it very deeply, you might say that subconsciously, I didn't want the discrimination that inevitably goes with being gay.

I didn't even try to tell myself that it was a phase-I was attracted to guys but I was fully straight....makes sense eh?!?! Anyway, when I was about 14 or 15, I started
feeling extremely depressed, but i couldn't, or maybe didn't want to know why. It came and went for about 3 years. (I'll get back to that in a while).

Anyway, about 2 years ago, I finally knew I was gay. I couldn't say it though. Icouldn't even say those 2 words inside my own head! It was about that time also that I realised that religion was not for me. I grew up in a moderately religious family (Catholic). Funny how my parents seemed to get more religious once I stopped going to mass!! Finally I came to the conclusion that I don't believe in a god, or afterlife or any of that. This completely changed my perspective on life. While before I would get upset easily by things, now I try my best to ignore them and not waste my life worrying about what other people think. I haven't felt depressed in a long time, so I must be doing something right!!

Anyway, back on topic. While I knew I was gay a year or two ago, it was only really this summer that I really accepted it. In a sense it was a relief, but it did bring even more problems. I started to think about coming out, and because of this, I beacme very quiet. Eventually, this September, my mother asked what was wrong, and why I was so quiet. After a lot of hesitation, I very clumsily blurted it out. It was aless than ideal situation. I had wanted the whole thing to be planned out, and on my terms, but what can you do.

I never expected it to go down very well, but I felt that she would accept it. Unfortunately for me, she was convinced that that its just a phase, even when I told her that I've known a couple of years. Then she started asking me all these awful questions like "did someone do something to you?" I tried to explain to her that its just who I am. Finally she said that I'm too young to know!!!

I left for college a couple of days after. That was over 2 months ago, and she hasn't opened her mouth about the whole thing since. I think she's in denial. I probably should say something so she realises that she'll have to come to terms with it, but I can't....it was hard enough to do it once!!

College is a big improvement, even though I'm living with a few friends from home so I can't be as open as I'd like without coming out, which I'm not ready for yet. The nightlife is good, and I met a guy in a club one night. We had a very brief relationship for a few weeks, but we kinda drifted apart. It was nothing serious, so no hard feelings. One of my friends was there in the club the night I met this guy so I'm not sure if he saw us or not. I would prefer if he had, because he's open minded, and he'd be one of the first people I'd tell anyway. The problem is, I'm not sure whether or not he knows!

Next comes the most unusual part. I was in an apartment with 3 friends from college. We were just having a few beers and watching TV, when out of the blue, the girl said "Are any of you guys gay?" Silence. She asked the other two guys individually, and they saidd no. Then she asked me. I paused for a second, because I didn't want the alcohol to cloud my judgement. I said to myself, I might as well go for it, because I'll have to tell them sometime.

So I said "Yeah". Then she asked me "Are you just messing?" and I said "no, I'm serious". So then she said "so do you kiss guys and stuff", and I said yeah. Then she just said "cool". The 2 guys didn't say anything, but they didn't seem to bothered-they just wanted her to shut up so they could hearthe TV.

So, I was obviously happy with that whole episode. Anyway, I still have a long way to go, especially before I tell my friends in general. I know that a few won't mind, so I justhave to fight back the nerves and get it over and done with. The rest of them will take a bit more time. I just hope my mother will come round sometime soon. I just don't like the way she looks at me like I'm someone different. I don't know what to do about my father.....he's very old fashioned about things like this.

My extended family isn't much better...my mother told me (before I came out) that he said that if one his kids said they were gay he'd take out his shotgun!:eek::help:. Yeah, the extended family will take a bitof work, but then again that's a long way off. :lol:

Thanks for bearing with me, and my long winded spiel. I love this site!!(!)

 

Thanks for all the advice. Yeah, I would like him to know. We go back a really long way, and spent loads of time together as kids. I think he's definitely someone I could count on. Anyway, his brother is gay, so I doubt he'd have a problem with it!!

There are a few girls from school as well that I'm quite close to that I feel I can count on. It all comes down to working up the courage to do it. I know the reat of my friends won't be so eay, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I really appreciate the advice. If it wasn't for EC, there isn't a hope that I'd have gotten as far as I have.

 

Ha sounds like something my dad would do when he hears about me being gay, but maybe not when the rugby is on then he may get tres upset (honestly I don't think he would mind too much)

But anyway alot of that story sounds like my life in a nutshell. I knew I was gay but never actually said it to myself, I just came out and I still have trouble saying it in my head. The hard thing for parents to accept their son or daughter being gay is that the plan that they mapped out has vanished. Maybe your mum is trying to hang onto that. I know this is a problem with one of my gay friends, his parents wanted their son to have what they would consider their perfect life (just like the PC game The Sims). Take becky's advice about pflag, sometimes if parents can just talk about it they become more accepting of it.

Good luck at college, I'm here if you need a chat just post on my wall.

 

Awww, thanks guys. Thanks for the link Becky. I'll have 3-4 weeks off for Christmas, so I think I might give it to her then.

Yeah, college has been great. Even when I'm with friends, I'm a lot less worried that they would find out. When I used to go out at home at the weekend, I used to feel even worse, because there were no other gay people to be seen. Even though I wouldn't have done anything about it, it still made me feel very isolated. College is great because there are loads of gay ppl!! :icon_bigg

Thanks for everything

 

Hello and welcome! So much of your story echoes my experiences - especially

You'll find this is great place to be.

Well, if you want him to know, and you're sure he'll be fine with it - and for now - keep your secret - then the easy way to be sure is to tell him!

I have no plans to tell my parents, similar religious background to you - and I'm pretty sure they'd take it badly...

But anyway, thanks for telling your story, and welcome to EC - hopefully you'll feel at home here. :eusa_clap