Pie Q: I live in Alaska and I am so cold. Everyday I go out I always shiver, my friends all laugh at me and the only time they are dressed like me is in the showers. What is wrong with me
Your friends are hogging all the heat of Alaska. Steal their clothes and replace them with bathing suits. Q: What's a computeR?
A computeR is a compute with an R unit attached. These are highly illegal and if seen should be destroyed immediately. Q: The big light that I have in the sky isn't working properly, where is the light switch, so I can change the bulb?
Your big light may be experiencing suspended animation, which, in this case, is a natural condition initiated every twelve hours to conserve light emission. However, if you are convinced that it is a technical faulty in your big light bulb, call this toll-free number: 1-800-SKY. We would be happy to come over and replace your light bulb for FREE if you've only had it for 30 days, along with your receipt. Q: I'm having frequent doubts over the existence of my brain. How can I check it to make sure it's there or not?
Cut open your skull using a chainsaw. Or insert a webcam into your ear and push until you hit something either squishy and gray or the other side of your head. Q: I think my inner child is dead, he stopped talking to me a while back. How do I know for sure?
Order a book on quantum physics. Q: wel derez dis grrl && i rly lyk hur bot idunno if shii lykz mii coz shii cam 2 mii crib && pind mii 2 da wal && strtd makkin aot w/ mii && shiiz bin sendn dez luvii emalez 2 mii bot i stil donno if shii lykz mii wut du i doo?????/????!11!@@?!!!!!!@!???!//!!!!11
Mn u gt 2 gt wit dat gurrl cuz she da hotttttiiiist ting rite now. iii no hurr n shez n ahsum pppl n shez rly prtty n that azzzzzz!!!!1!!!11 ii cud do dat azzzz al nite long u nowhamsain????////????????????????????????//////1111/1!!!!@##?/'[]]}{(*60(*6? Q: I find the idea of not having a face disturbing. Does that make me a bad person?
Yes....yes it does. Being face-ist is just so shallow and wrong. Many great people haven't had faces! I can't think of any examples, but there are some! I'm sure of it!! Q: Dear EC........I joined the WBC....WHY?!?!? (GOD hates you) NO HE DOESN'T!!! (yes he does) SHUT UP!!!! (you shut up) YOU SHUT UP!!! Help me!!!!!!!!!!
The what now? Well it doesn't matter as the voice says God hates you, and the voice knows best. You should probably go to your nearest confessional. Q: Why do men have nipples?
MeN hAvE nIpPles beCauSe God deciDed thAt gaY MEn shoUld hAve somEThing more to pLay With dUrIng fOrePlay. They aLso sERve thE lEss eXciTing and oBvious task of CoNtRoLLing equIlibRium WhEn layIng hOrizOntAlly. Q: Dear EC, I have a problem. I have made up a game of running over and killing squirrels on my bike and also throwing them off parking structures and roofs. I have a point system and ranking system made up, and also am completely clean and stealthy about this(Usually done at night). I know this is a horrible thing to do, but do any of you have tires with customly built sharpened spikes on them?
A: You have come to the right place. Okay, you wouldn't be able to kill too many with custom built spike tires because you would be going to slowly. What you need is to build a cage around you bike with lots of spike. Try also pinning two javelins to the front of your bike for increased range. No i understand I have the same sort of game with kangaroos. If you want to be more stealthy try attaching some nuts to your bike and watch them swarm then pull out a flamethrower. Another top tip attach some sort of standing platform on the back to allow a friend to come along. Keep it up they will soon be extinct because of you. I have faith! Q: Dear EC, I love watching Matlock and any Chuck Norris movies. Now Matlock gets really mad and slams him with his intellect but chuck norris roundhouse kicks everyone. If these two behemoths were two square up against each other in a duel to the death what would happen? I truly am scared EC I need help!
My, my, you are certainly in a bit of a pickle aren't you? Do you have a sink nearby? that's the only thing I can come up with. Such a shocking situation. My phone seems to have died. And my charger is missing. Please, please help. I'm losing the will to live.
Dear... This is a phone addiction. You need to realise this. And you need to destroy the phone. It needs to be destroyed, lest the 'orrible brain cancer demons escape from the phone and pollute your mind. Q: Dear EC, something's wrong with me. I.. I... have something down there. It's hanging from between my legs and it... does nothing! What must I DO with it?
Cut it off. Burn it. Scatter the ashes to the winds. Q: When I stay up late, I end up posting things I don't remember and saying things I would never say during the day. Why does this happen? Is it bad?
It is a common problem, but it means you're computer is going to eat you soon. See what happens is, at night computers come to life and are able to attract prey, more late nights are only going to further the problem. My advice, place the computer in another family members room. Q: I like to play with the electric sockets in my bedroom, but my parents want me to go see a counsellor about it and i'm not sure. What should i do?
Stick forks and paper clips into them. It's much more fun. Q: I'm a terrible person. Is that a problem? Help!
Become friends with a great person and hope that they rub off on you Q: All the boys in my school are.....straight! what should I do!
A: All you have to do is think really really hard and then they will all be gay...well apart from the weird ones who are straight (ewwww) Q: I am constantly told through my email that I need to buy THEIR viagra. Whats so special about it that I must use theirs?
It will make your penis so big straight guys will want to have sex with you Well its winter now and when i wear my sandals outside my mom constantly complains, what should i do?
A: Wear socks with your sandals. This has the side affect of being a great fashion statement. Q: I have developed this odd condition lately. I want to put stuff into my mouth, smash it with my teeth and then swallow it. My friends say this is normal and is called eating. Is this eating a normal thing to do? I have these urges to do it 3 or 4 times a day, but I think people will think I am a freak if I do it that often. What should I do?
