Hi all, I am a 31 year old man, married with no kids, and have just seperated from my wife because I am Gay. I have fallen in love with a guy and feet awful. I have told my parents who are being really supportive, however I still have intense guilt for what I have done to my ex. I feel really bad for being decietful, and marrying her. Any advice or support.
All you can do is to have a proper chat with your ex. Its not your fault that you are gay and you shouldnt feel bad unless you have intendly done something bad.
Hi! Welcome to EC first of all. I think you should probably get in touch with a couple of our older members, Jim1454, and probably Lexington. They're both older members, and Jim has been through a similar experience That said, my own advice to you is to ask yourself why you are feeling guilty about what you did. Would you have preferred to lie to your wife for another 10, 20, maybe 40 years? Or would you rather hurt her less and come clean? I think if you have a talk with your ex wife you will find her a lot more understanding (and if you need, forgiving), then you think. Catchya round Tess.
First off well done for coming out, and I’m glad you have a good support network in your family. You’re just going to have to have a proper chat with the wife and explain to her that you care for her and love her, but just not IN love with her. (Which of course you do else you wouldn’t feel guilty) In a situation such as this you will feel guilty you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t. But would it be better to do it now than say 5 or 10 years time when maybe kids came into the picture? As time goes on you would have found it harder to do. Sure, your wife and indeed you may find it hard and raw now but as time goes on she’ll realise you came out for her benefit as well as your own. Lastly I’d like to say I admire you. I could never come out to my wife if I got married I don’t think I’d have the strength to do that.
As hard as this is at least there aren't children involved. It could have been worse! Telling your wife the truth is the only thing you could do in spite of the pain. She'll go on to live a much happier life and you will too and hopefully through it all you can remain friends. Its obvious you do care about her very much. Hang in there, things will get better.
Hi there and welcome to EC. I am in my early 40's, formerly married, and I have kids. I understand what you are going through. The first thing you need to do is stop blaming yourself. You did nothing wrong, and there is nothing wrong with being gay. You did nothing to make yourself gay, any more than you made yourself a certain height or your hair or skin a certain color. It is how you were born and it is perfectly okay. Unfortunately, there are great societal pressures that cause many of us to repress our sexuality and try to live as straight men. It is not your fault. You took a very courageous step in accepting your sexuality and telling your wife. You should be very proud of what you did. She is still very young and will have the opportunity to meet someone else. The process of coming out to yourself is very important and it sounds like you have started it. It took me MANY years to accept that I was gay and to become comfortable with it. I felt the whole range of emotions, from denial to anger and even hating that aspect of myself. I eventually decided that this is my life and nobody else’s to live. We only get one of them. I can choose to live it happy or unhappy. When I look back at my life at the end, I do not want to say that I lived an unhappy life because I was not true to myself. Since accepting that I was gay, my whole life has changed. I am happier than I have ever been. It feels unbelievably good to live a life consistent with who I really am. I found that seeing a therapist/psychologist was very helpful. You may want to consider it. Hang in there. You will get through this tough period. Keep your head up, realize that there is nothing wrong with you and begin the next phase of your life.
