I Need Help - My Sexuality is Tearing Me Up Inside

Failed marriage...did your wife know? anyways, i know i am only 17, and i have not been through much, but i do know letting people know can be a good thing (sometimes bad). honestly, i think if you don't want everybody to know, cause it can harm your career, relationships, and other aspects of life, then you should just at least tell one person you trust and can talk to. just letting it out to one will ease the tension of dealing with homosexuality a bit, i believe. I mean, my situation is quite different from yours, and my opinion could be way off, but i just believe telling one person can ease a lot of troubles.

good luck with this.

 

I don't know if this will help much since i'm in the closet myself and I am young yet. But a friend of a friend of mine once said you only have to be as out as you want to be. You don't have to tell everyone. Yet at the same time you can tell people but not have to tell them everything.
I'm also with you in the terrified boat. I don't want to ruin my family. I mean I live in a small country town...and with being who I am could ruin them. But I figure they only have to know as much as I'm willing to tell them. As for my workplace they don't have to know you know? It is a place of employment. Though I just reread and you said you are sometimes in the media...which makes me wonder if you are a politician. I can't say much to help you there because the media can be nasty business. And well...I've never been in the media.

You also say you don't have the guts to go to the glbt center in your area. Well. Stay here with us for a while. Become more frequent here. Talk to us more and then maybe soon you might just find yourself opening that front door. And you might just find yourself getting more comfortable with things and you won't be so scared. I know I haven't been here long...but I've become less scared. Just knowing other people in a similar boat.

Good luck! I hope I helped a little even if its in the smallest way!

 

s5m1, first of all let me tell you that you can PM me anytime you need someone to talk to. I am 99% of the day around and I'll be glad to talk with you anytime.

First it is great that you accepted that you're living a lie. It shows that you care about yourself. And the fear you have is normal - everyone here can tell you that such a big change is hard and frightning. It is great that you can be sincere with someone, at least with one person. It helps a lot, and the reason it helps is because you have all that feelings inside of you and when you talk with her you can let them all out. If you need to cry, then cry. Don't hold back any feelings.

Yet I can't fully relate to you about your marriage and kids, but the fear of other people knowing your secret is sometimes very overwhelming. My dad would kill me, he is very catholic. You've told about your career - your personal life, even though it will be exposed a little in your workplace and within your family, should never be told to 'the world'. Coming out as a gay doesn't mean you will be yelling 'Im gay!' and telling everyone in all interviews about your sexual orientation. Not everyone needs to know!

Do you have any friends (not workplace friends) that you can talk with? Start hanging out with them a little, and it may take months, but slowly give them some hints and learn that your homosexuality is something you shuld not be ashamed of and something you will need to learn to talk openly. It may take months, as it took with your therapist, but it will help you a lot.

When you're ready, be sincere with your wife and kids. By the way, how old are them (your kids?)

I know you're going throuhg a hard time. Just don't stress out. This is when you need the most time for yourself as possible. In your spare time, go to a park and read a book. Clear your mind. Go fishing with your kids on a weekend. Take a coupld of days off and travel a little. While on work, keep your mind busy.

We are all caring about you and I am glad you already gave the first step: Accepting yourself and trying to make a change. I am very proud of you.

 

Hi there! I think we exchanged a few notes when you first joined. I wish you had kept sending them. (And I hope it wasn't me that scared you off! :eek: )

This takes time. Hanging out here in EC made a difference to me. No doubt. I also attended a couple of meetings of the Gay Fathers of Toronto. Perhaps a similar group exists where you live. Your situation (and mine) isn't as unusual as you might think. Lots of other men have gone through this - and so will you.

Try not to dwell on the past. You can't do anything about it. And try also not to agnoize about the future - because you can't do much about that either. Just work on today. The passage below is one that we often read in my 12 step group, and I have found it helpful.

I felt all the things that you're feeling. What if my coworkers find out? What if my kids find out? What if my family finds out. However, my life got so messed up as a result of me denying my sexuality, that it was eventually easier for me to fully accept it. I knew that I couldn't keep living the life of addiction that I was in - so the alternative was to accept it and move on with putting my life back together.

I'm not in the media spotlight - so I'm not in the same position that you are in. However, as stated above, coming out doesn't mean coming out to everyone. It just means coming out to the people that are important. And so that you'll be able to live an authentic life.

I haven't told my kids yet - they are 5 and 7. But I'm sure I will - either when they ask, or in a couple of years - which ever comes first. But I have told my parents - and they've been OK with it. I told my best friends - and they've been fine with it too! My wife knows, and we've become closer now than ever. And - I have a boy friend. Who - believe it or not - was also married, has two kids, and is recently separated from his wife. I'll admit that having him in my life has made this whole experience MUCH easier to deal with. I have a purpose, and I am reminded every day how wonderful it is to be able to truly love someone and be comfortable with someone and be totally yourself with someone. In the mean time, I still have my career, I still have my kids, I still have my hobbies. I still have my extended family. I've only gained a level of serenity and happiness that I've never before had.

So I'll offer again, PM me if you'd like to chat more.

But just keep getting used to the idea. Denying it won't make it go away - it will only make you more unhappy. Acceptance is the key. Good luck. And welcome back!!! :smilewave

 

I like that Jim! We all have our worries. Sometimes they are just different. I'm cutting, pasting, printing, and hanging that on my fridge right now!

 

Oh, and I saw this on YouTube and it works, really. When you are in your office, use Post-it notes to write possitive statements such as "Breathe, breathe and relax", "I am enough", etc. and have them visible. When you're struggling they really help you remember the beautiful things in life. And don't stress out! Most of the times, problems are severily magnified because of stress. Take a break when you feel you need one - there is always the possibility of a "5 minute break", and you know it

Jim, that was a great post! (You did it again! )

 

s5m1, as others have already said, you sure aren't the only one in your boat. I too have only recently (although it seems like a long time ago) come to the realization that I was gay. It all came crashing down on me last summer. I had several intense sessions with my therapist to help me understand who I was and to remove the guilt that I had (and still have once in awhile) related to being married and having children.

I told me wife shortly after realizing, accepting and embracing the fact that I was indeed gay. We've since then separated but still live quite close to each other. I see her on a regular basis and share custody of the kids (who I love very dearly). Although there has been some rough patches here and there, I'm very happy that I've found the courage to go through with it. I now feel that I am true to myself. I feel SO GOOD. I have been fortunate enough to come across a great guy whom I've fallen deeply in love with. Although we are not out 100% (only to some of our respective family members), we are not either THAT careful about showing our love for each other when in public. This morning, I dropped him off at the train station and we actually kissed good-bye in the car for the first time. It was actually quite nice. Being true to myself has allowed me to have feelings that I don't believe I had ever experienced before, at least with that intensity. I have recently turned 39. I never cared that much about my own birthday but that one was quite special. I felt as if it were my 1st true birthday, and it felt REALLY REALLY good.

So, although you may find it tough right now, you sure have taken the right steps to find and accept who you really are. As Jim1454 quoted above, you can't worry about yesterday or tomorrow. Take it one day at a time. Keep talking honestly and openly about your feelings to your therapist (and to others, such as all your EC friends). There IS light ahead and believe me, it is quite bright. All the best.

G.

 

Well I can't begin to imagine how hard the situation is when you have children as I don't have any myself. Your therapist is probably the best person to understand you and give you advise but for what its worth I will share these thoughts.

It seems the case that the person who has the biggest problem with this is ourselves.

Having read others experiences (as I am sure you have) the outcome of "coming out" is rarely as bad as one suspects or fears and the feeling of freedom afterwards is nearly always worth the initial difficulties of getting round to actually doing it.

I don't wish to appear harsh but you are a long time dead. This is your chance to enjoy life. You can't go back and change what has happened but you can control what happens going forward. Don't allow fear to stop you from starting your life.

 

Hello,

What really comes to the surface from your original post is your propensity for honesty. No matter how you express yourself sexually, be it with men, women or both, you seem to have developed an open ear for what your heart really wants, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

 

We're all with you and I hope the good trend continues!

I can't really add much to the great advice already given, but I can talk from my limited and quite different experience.

I completely understand how you feel scared, but it really does seem worse than it really is. I had long phases when I pushed it away, I wanted to be like everybody else, but eventually I came to accept myself and get myself to come out to a few people. And I know how when you wait and wait, it becomes harder to do anything about it. That's why I'm really glad you came to EC and can find help here -- for me, it was really invaluable, a place to express and discover myself without any risk of backlash or misundertanding. I think it really prepared me to come out and feel better about myself.

I like Jim's advice that you can't do anything about yesterday. It's so true, and even if it's hard to put it behind you, concentrating on the present is the best thing to do.

As for coming out, I'm glad you told your counselor. I found the first few people were by far the hardest, and also the people who were the closest to me. I felt like I had lied to them all my life. But thankfully, we live in a time where homosexuality is a lot more accepted than 10, 20, 30 years ago, and I'm confident that most of the people who are close to you will have little or no problem with your sexuality.

Even though our situations are really different, I can tell you my friends were extremely supportive, and they a) wanted to help me through it and make sure I was OK, and b) were really proud of me for coming out.

Anyway, good luck

 

QFT.

Before coming out to my parents, it felt like someone was holding a gun to my head from all the thoughts I would have of people possibly hating me, ridiculing me, thinking that I'm disgusting, being disappointed in me etc...

When it came down to the moment I told them, I realized for a moment that I was the one holding the gun to my head, and that as long as I denied what was truthfully in my heart, I'd be constantly on the verge of doing some serious damage to myself. It was in that moment when I decided to tell them -- that I disarmed myself, gave up in the fight against myself and told them -- it was in that moment that I realized how valuable and life-saving it is for me to love and embrace myself for who I truly am.

For me, my own stubborn self-loathing only forced my fear to escalate in my mind and it became a matter of survival. I chose to live.

 

Hi.

Well you said it yourself, You've accepted that you're gay. That's one of the best things you can do. It helps you to see yourself and your life more clearly. I know I'm only young, but I've known that's I'm not exactly the straightest road on the map since I was about 11. But I refused to acknowlege it until the end of last year. Accepting yourself for who you are can have an enormous positive effect on your life.

Your therapist sounds like a good person to talk to and to be able to talk to, but maybe you should tell your ex-wife because you've said you are on good terms. Maybe if you told her, she'd be able to understand you more and be able to give you every bit of support that your therapist is giving you, or even more. Coming out is such a liberating process, it really makes you feel simultaneously terrified and relieved. I doubt you would have married your ex wife if she was not a good and kind person. So she'll probably (hopefully!) be okay with your sexuality and will help you cope with it.

You don't have to tell everybody around you. If you only tell the people who really matter to you, begin to feel a lot better about yourself without having to worry that your coworkers/media/children's schoolmates will find out.

I really hope this helps you out, just listen to the great advice that's been posted before me and you should be okay.

Stay on EC for a while. It really helps people to feel more comfortable with themselves.

Tess.