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I come out to my wife and she tells me this!?!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Inspector1, Mar 28, 2008.

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  1. Inspector1

    Inspector1
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    Let me just answer a couple questions people have posed:

    Yes we have two kids, 1 and 3 years old.

    Yes this was the first time either of us have cheated in any way in the almost 5 years we have been together.

    Neither of us are considering abortion or divorce at this time.

    I really appreciate everyone here giving me advice on this situation. I may have a difference of opinion with most here on one thing. I do agree that we both cheated and that is that. However, I do believe that full on sex is a bigger deal then just oral sex. I mean I know that if she had told me that she just gave a guy a blow job that none of us would even be having this conversation. So I do think there is a difference. I'm not taking the moral high ground here but pointing out that sex and oral sex are two different things that carry very different consequences.

    One rather unfortunate thing has come up between us as of yesterday. My wife is rather dead set on not revealing the name of the guy. She wants me to "man up" and put my name on the birth certificate if the time comes and just raise it like my own. All this came as a declaration from her without any discussion. The problem is simply that I don't know that I can do that. I hate the idea that whoever the guy is, he gets to walk away from all this without taking a shred of responsibility from his part in it.
     
    #21 Inspector1, Mar 29, 2008
  2. Paul_UK

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    Personally I would refuse to do that. It is not difficult now to find out who the real parents are by genetic tests or whatever. Also the timing of the conception in the middle of a period when she was away from home is further legal proof. If the real father makes himself known in the future and the proof is obtained it could cause you all lots of legal issues. You will have knowingly lied on a legal document (a birth certificate) and he will have conveniently washed his hands of his legal responsibilities to his child.

    If you do consider doing it, discuss it with your lawyer first to find our what the legal implications are.

    It may not help the situation between you and your wife but if I was in your position I would absolutely refuse to do that.
     
    #22 Paul_UK, Mar 29, 2008
  3. Lexington

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    A couple random thoughts on your latest post.

    First off, I don't draw lines. If you got intimate with somebody, no matter what body part went where, it's sex. And if it's something you don't want your partner to know about, it's cheating. To explain it away with "it's not like we did THIS" is to minimize what happened.

    As for your wife. So she slept with another guy, may have gotten pregnant, and now she wants YOU to "man up"? Maybe "man up" means something different in your neck of the woods, but from where I come from, it means taking responsibility. And the responsibility lies not with you but with the guy who impregnanted her. If anybody should be "manning up", it's him. I'll second Paul's advice - talk to a lawyer. And I'd say this thing isn't over by a long shot...

    Lex
     
    #23 Lexington, Mar 29, 2008
  4. beckyg

    beckyg Guest

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    Asking you to "man up" is a completely unreasonable request. I would definitely give this alot of thought and seek counseling before you agree to anything.
     
    #24 beckyg, Mar 29, 2008
  5. Paul_UK

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    As Lex said, I would interpret "man up" as accepting responsibility for your own actions, not falsely accepting responsibility for someone else's actions.
     
    #25 Paul_UK, Mar 29, 2008
  6. sexyalex

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    thanks mommy....even though...i don't think it was a mistake :astonished:
    :shrug: i am just saying, things happen for a reason.
     
    #26 sexyalex, Mar 29, 2008
  7. sexyalex

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    #27 sexyalex, Mar 29, 2008
  8. Beebo

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    Well... in the least, you can check people out together now.
     
    #28 Beebo, Mar 29, 2008
  9. sexyalex

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    he can?*scratches head*
     
    #29 sexyalex, Mar 29, 2008
  10. Inspector1

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    Agreed. When she gets home we may really want to seriously looking at counseling. Every day that goes by she is getting more and more stressed out over this. I think the reality is starting to set in. I want to be as supportive as I can be and I've made it clear that I forgive her for what happened.

    Unfortunately she has started to attack me for "coming out" to her. She told me she wished I had never told her. She also laid a big speech on me about needing to go to church so I can be "fixed" and have these "depraved" thoughts washed away. :frowning2:
     
    #30 Inspector1, Mar 29, 2008
  11. Lexington

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    >>>She also laid a big speech on me about needing to go to church so I can be "fixed" and have these "depraved" thoughts washed away.

    ...says the woman who may be carrying the illegitimate child. I'm assuming you don't need me (or anyone else here) to explain the likelyhood of the church "fixing" your "depravity". :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
    #31 Lexington, Mar 29, 2008
  12. darkestknight

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    Have you both consulted a marriage counselor too? And, I don't think the church can be any of help to 'remove' your bisexuality.

    I hope things are okay and fine once you solve the problems together. We know it's going to be tough, but let's hope for the best one! (*hug*)
     
    #32 darkestknight, Mar 29, 2008
  13. Inspector1

    Inspector1
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    lol, no, I don't expect that anyone out there is going to "fixing" my bisexuality. But that kind of attitude is making this all that much harder to work through.
     
    #33 Inspector1, Mar 29, 2008
  14. beckyg

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    Well your wife is wrong on "needing to be fixed" also. There is nothing wrong with you. One thing I don't understand is why does she not know if she is pregant yet? Pregnancy tests take about ten minutes or less. This seems weird to me.
     
    #34 beckyg, Mar 30, 2008
  15. beckyg

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    I also want to say that raising a child other than your own can be done. It's not impossible but alot of forgiveness and trust is going to have to be worked out for this to happen.
     
    #35 beckyg, Mar 30, 2008
  16. Louise

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    What a very difficult and unhappy situation. I agree that although you both cheated oral sex is not full blown penetrative sex... especially where the woman is obviously the reciever and acceptes that another man 'possesses' her body in the most intimate way!

    As for asking you to put your name on the birth certificate... I wouldn't! There is the legal aspect and the moral aspect to the child; does the child have no rights whatsoever?!!!

    How will the child feel when he finds out, as he undoubtedly will at some time in his life?

    Raising a child that is not your own... only you have the answer to that. For myself I couldn't, the longterm psychological stress would put me in the loony bin.

    I send you a big (*hug*) and hope that you manage to sort something out that suits you all. I think councelling is imperative whatever you decide to do... stay together or split up, you have to be able to put this behind you and go on with your life.

    Good luck
     
    #36 Louise, Mar 30, 2008
  17. Inspector1

    Inspector1
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    Because we want to wait until she can go into the clinic and get a blood test done before we say for sure.
     
    #37 Inspector1, Mar 30, 2008
  18. Inspector1

    Inspector1
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    I completely agree. But it is a two way street. She needs to be willing to ask me what I will do, not tell what I am going to do.
     
    #38 Inspector1, Mar 30, 2008
  19. Inspector1

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    Thanks for the support. Neither of us is looking at separation of any kind as a solution. We both want to work this out. I can see myself helping her raise this child if that is what it comes to but I won't pretend to be the biological father.
     
    #39 Inspector1, Mar 30, 2008
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