Totally Confused about who I am

Hi to u all, all throughout my life i have always had issues with my sexuallity, ever since my childhood ive always been very shy when it came to girls, and hanged around with a few mates, but most of the time i would try to be by myself as i have always felt uncomfetable in a crowd. Around the age of 17-18 where i worked there was a pub a few doors down and i use to have a drink in there after work, I knew the landlord as he came in to our shop and also knew he was gay but was nieve in that as it was on the seafront where it use to get a lot of trade i hadnt clicked it was also a gay pub. One night i stayed a bit later than normal and got quite drunk, went to the toilet where an older man came in while i was there and started chating to me. Before i knew what was happing he had kissed me, which felt very strange but i didnt not like it, and then he gave me bj. This was all new to me as i had never experienced this before let alone with a girl as i was still a virgin. He then persuaded me to go for a ride in his car which i did, even though i felt i shouldnt but i could not and still cant explain my feelings at the time. We ended up having sex of which he wasnt going to do it to me but i wanted him to, it hurt very much. he then took me back to the bar where i went home, but when i got home i felt ashamed and dirty for what i had done and felt i coulndt tell anyone about this, so i shut it away inside me for what i had hopped for ever. over the years my guilt and sometimes fantasys have almost surfaced in troubled times in my life, but i have always managed to lock them away again. i have had one near encounter whilst drunk staying at a gay mans flat although he didnt i wished he had. I got married and had 2 children, got divorced, but kept the children, and then met another woman who i was with for 4 years and then we married less than a year ago and now have 4 children and have recently been through troubled times with her having a sexual problem surface from her past. she had an affair recently and we split up and i have been very depressed again as i have most of my life, but this time my feelings surfaced again i have been unable to lock them away again and had started to watch bisexual and gay porn and was highly arroused. My wife has over the last few years questioned me if i was gay due to the way i act sometimes or stand and thinks im quite femenette and has been quite a joke for her but she had no idea of my secret that i have managed to contain for 25 years
we have been trying to sort our marriage out as i love her very much, but she has fallen out of love with me and all my emotions have got the better of me. At the weekend i went to a gay club 2 nights on the trot, and felt very comfertable in there and didnt feel disgusted with what was going on asround me. i didnt talk tyo anyone as i just wanted to get the feel of the place. Well yesterday had a bit of a barney with the wife and then we ended up talking about me going to a gay bar and about all the jokes she had made about me, and kept questiong me about some of the things i had been saying recently, and she said had i kissed a man and i ended up admitting i had, and she said that it was okay as it was so long ago, but my emotions by then had taken hold of me because she thought taht was all it was but i had more locked away inside me and in the end i just broke down and let it all out after 25 years. she has been very understanding and said she will help me and support me wether we are together or not and that i trust her with this knowlegede about until im ready to tell anyone else. my dilema in all of this is i now dont know who i am anymore, i know i love my wife and still want a full relationship with her, but i feel so attracted to certain men and have an urge to have an intimate encounter, but then i feel ashamed and start questioning who i am. any advice would be so helpful as i dont have any real friends gay or straight.

 

Hi, Alex, thanks for your reply, will check out there posts, hopefully i can get some help with coming to terms with my inner self x