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Can anyone help and advice me please....

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by stevieboy1, Mar 15, 2008.

  1. stevieboy1

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    Hello im new here, my name is steve and I am married with two young childre aged 2 and 6 and I have just admited to my wife that I am gay. I have always felt difrent since I was about 14 and wasnt sure but comming from a family that would not aprove I tryed to ignore it and carry on. anyways I had never had a girl friend or boy friend then one night out I met my wife and thought thats what i wanted I love her to bits but over time I have always thought about guys and not girls looked at gay porn on a reguler basis on the net etc. well over the last few moths its been getting harder and harder for me to cope with it all and then a few weeks ago she found some gay porn on the pc and I broke down and went right inside my self till I finaly admitted I think im gay. I am really ashamed of my self and dont want to let her down and I have.

    we want to try and carry on living in the same house as we want to try and keep things as normal as possable for the kids as they are only litle and dont want them knowing till they are old enogh to understand. she is finding it very difficult to cope with as well as i am and I just cant cope with it all. I even went to the doctors and asked them for some help and advice but they just blanked me and didnt do anything. I am so deprest and I dont know who I can talk to or were to turn. I need some one to help. I thought some counciling would be good but who or were can I get it and or mabe a help line but I dont know.

    So is there any help anyone can give me? pleasee..:help:

    kind regards
    Steve.
     
  2. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    Ahoy Steve! Welcome to Empty Closets first of all!

    Well, you've got over some of the hardest steps already: Admitting you're gay and telling your wife. I'm proud of you! That shows me you're a very trustworthy person and that you're sincere and you really care about your family.
    I may not be the best one for an advice (Since I have no idea of your case, how to deal with that, *calls Becky or Paul for useful links*) but try to look for family counselors around your area. Gay friendly counselors are a + always.

    Talk with your wife. Be open with her. If you want this to work for your kids you must have the communications lines open between you and with your kids. By the way, how old are them? It'd be a good idea to tell them before they hit adolescence (if they're not there yet and I dont think they already are since your age is 30 I believe they may be around 5 or 6 years old) and to discuss it with them. Yes, It will be hard, but communicating feelings is what most of the times makes the problems appear.

    I'll have you in my thoughs and be strong always.
    We're here for you (*hug*)

    Jean.
     
  3. stevieboy1

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    Hi and thanks for the welcome. my children are 2 and 6 and my wife dont want them to know untill they are older. She is quite adement with that. I am a trustworthy person and the last people on earth I ever wanted to hert was my wife but I just cant help my feelings. :icon_sad: At the mo she sees it that I have lied to her the whole time I have been with her and that our whole relationship was all based on a lie but thats not the case. I honistly thought it was her I wanted and its just all fallen apart. To be honist I didnt know if I was straight bi or gay when we met as I had never had a girl or boy friend till then. I always worry about other peoples feeling befor myself. Im just so desgusted with myself about the whole thing and im just finding it hard to cope. Its been there in the back of my mind all these years now and its been so long hidden Im just finding it hard just to say im gay. I just wish I could make things alright. I just hope even though I cant lover her fully that she will still always be my best friend as I will always have her in my heart. Im sitting here blubbering just trying to write this....:tears:

    kind regards
    Steve.
     
    #3 stevieboy1, Mar 15, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 15, 2008
  4. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    Steve, steve, steve, even times are hard, try not to drown in what seems an ocean, it may just be a glass of water!

    I knew your kids were little, so your wife is right about that. But they will need to know at one moment. Another thing that you can explain your wife is that you didn't lied her, you didn't even knew yourself! Please, don't get too hard with you. Be sincere with her. Tell her that you'll be always there if she needs to talk and that you really need her support now more than any other time.

    Do not change! If you're so sure about what you are and what you like, you are that way and you have all the rights to be that way! It will be hard, granted, no problems are easy to solve, but always be strong! I like the fact that you care about what other people feels but you're very important too, you can't let yourself in a second view!

    Things will eventually solve, and everything will be alright. But you need to understand that it will take time. You also need to understand that it was a hard hit for her and she didn't expected it, I guess! Again, family therapy is the best idea. When she feels comfortable take the kids to family therapy too. You can take advice on how to come out to your kids from people that already posted their experiences, just skim on this forum a little bit.

    I feel so bad I can't give you much advice :/ But I hope Becky or Paul, or any other parent that already went through this (Jim went through this I guess) will see this thread very soon

    I'll have you in my thoughts :slight_smile:
    Jean.
     
  5. Jim1454

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    Hi Steve. Welcome to Empty Closets. My heart bleeds for you right now. I'll PM you shortly... as I have to put my 4 year old and 7 year old daughters to bed. I was where you are right now only 17 months ago. There is life on the other side - and I can relate COMPLETELY to how you are feeling, and how you got to where you are. Your story sounds almost exactly like mine. You're not alone - which is perhaps the most important thing for you to remember right now.

    You'll learn here at this site that society has caused you to deny who you really were. You didn't do it intentionally. You were almost denied the opportunity to figure it out - based on your family's outlook on homosexuality.

    Spending time here helped me alot - getting comfortable with the concept that I was gay. Counselling alone and with my wife helped as well.

    I'm here to help - if only as a shoulder to cry on. But hopefully I can give you some hope - as an example of how things may possibly turn out for you too. Talk to you shortly.
     
  6. Quitex

    Quitex Guest

    I knew Jim was going to appear very soon :wink:
     
  7. beckyg

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    Jim is the perfect person for you to talk to Steve! I can so much feel your pain. (*hug*)
     
  8. Alexander

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  9. BabyBoy

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    I just want to say I have nothing but respect for you, because that is the bravest thing I have ever heard in my life. One of the bravest, anway.
     
  10. stevieboy1

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    Thanyou for all the kind words I have sent you a P.M Jim thankyou. I just want to try and make things as right as possable I want everyone to be happy.......including myself. Its just so hard at the mo.

    I want to keep the closeness i have with my wife but im finding it hard. Its like we will have a little joke and a laugh and then realatiy hits me again and the world comes crashing back down around me.:eusa_doh: I knew it would be a hard thing to come to turms with but Its harder than I thought I just dont know if I can cope.:icon_sad:

    Kind regards
    Steve.
     
  11. trumpetkid23

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    Everything will work itself out, I assure you! Just give things some time to process in everyone's minds and you'll be able to see everything more objectively. And Jim will definitely be able to point you in the right direction.
     
  12. stevieboy1

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    Im sure it will all work out for the best in the end. Im just so emotional at the mo dont know what im doing. Im also a person who dosnt like change and im gona say this is a pritty big change. from apearing straight to saying hay im gay. it seems hard for me just to say it. I can say it to my wife now even though it makes me fill guilty and silly at the same time. I can speak to my dad about it ok as well even though when I told him it took over two hours of blubbering and just not being able to speak! I was in fear of him rejecting me. It was hard as my dad and mother separated when I was a baby and I only found him about 5 year ago. so i dont really know him as well as I would like and I was worried of him rejecting me again. But hes been good and respects me and said no matter what even if I killed some one he would be there........not that I intend on killing anyone I cant even step on a snail without filling up and feeling guilty.:tears:

    anyways I have had a little chat with jim and I will be chatting more to him and anyone else that wants to chat. This is a very friendly place and even though my wife dosnt want to look on here as such at the mo she knows I have joined and she wants to help me though it even though its dificult.

    kind regards
    Steve.
     
  13. Psychedelic Bookmarks

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    (*hug*) Steve, you poor guy. It sounds like you are having a seriously rough time. Please don't feel guilty, because you have had such a difficult time and it's not your fault. Besides, it's you who has suffered the most from all this. I hope that Jim can help you a bit and you can see that things will look up, sonner if not later. You have definately taken the first most important step, telling your wife and admitting to yourself, and from here on it can only get better. I know you can get through this. Good luck! (*hug*)
     
  14. stevieboy1

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    Thank you for all the kind words it really means alot for me at this time in my life. Everyone keeps telling me its not my falt but to me I feel like it is my falt for ignoring my hidden feelings and letting things get as far as they have.

    But then on the other hand I have never nor will regret meeting marrying and having our two kiddies with my wife I will always love her dearly even if I cant fully. I would do it over again and again as they are the only happy things ever to have happened to me in my life. I would hope that we can work though it together as I want to stay her bestest friend in the world and I hope she can forgive me and be to me.

    I have just been intouch with another gay friend I know and have told him that im gay and he said he already knew with his built in gaydar an all, he said he just had a feeling but obviusly wouldnt of said anything lol. He said hes there for me too if I need him so thats nice. :slight_smile:

    kind regards
    Steve
     
    #14 stevieboy1, Mar 16, 2008
    Last edited: Mar 16, 2008
  15. panda

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    Steve, You've had an amazing 24 hours,from when you first posted yesterday. You've made contact and connections to help you on your journey. There's lots of support and caring here.
     
  16. trumpetkid23

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    Wow, Steve. Your story is just incredible, and you've just got the greatest attitude. I'm so glad you're sharing everything with us, and I hope that we can continue to help.

    Now, PLEASE take this with a grain of salt. I'm only a 17 year old, so I'm pretty naive on the subject of children. I know you say that your wife doesn't want your children to know that you're gay until later in their lives. I can understand her feelings, but I would personally disagree (and this is just me thinking out loud). I would think that telling them while they are still young would ease your situation and save a lot of possible heartache down the road. When your kids are still as young as they are, they're more likely to accept what their parents tell them. Telling them you're gay now may not even phase them, and they probably won't truly grasp all that it entails, but at least they'll grow up knowing who you really are. When they become adolecents, you won't have to shock them with your homosexuality. Also, if you wait to tell them when they're older, then they're going to have preconcieved notions of homosexuality put on them by society and it may be difficult for them to accept you.

    I realize it may be too early to really be thinking about this. First and foremost, you should be talking with your wife and figuring out where your lives will go from here. It sounds like you're doing that and she's handling things relatively well. We're all proud of you, so keep your chin up, and things will work out well for everyone!
     
  17. stevieboy1

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    Hi trumpetkid23:smilewave I fully understand were you are comming from and in a way I agree with you but then on the other hand I do agree with my wife in that I dont want them knowing for now It may be hard for them to understand in the future But I personly dont want thm to know untill they are older. Childhood is a presious thing and we just want to try and keep things as normal for now who knows mabe we will tell them sooner or later its just alot to get around at the mo and under the surcumstancies I think my wife is coping bloody fantasic considering.:eusa_clap She is finding it very hard as so am I as I didnt want to hert her in anyway even though it was enevitable.

    On abrighter note it has been a fealy goodish day today I managed to talk to her a little bit about how I feel and that no matter what I would be there for her as her bestest friend in the universe and even if I was on the otherside of the world if she ever needed me I would drop everything to get back to her. She is starting to exept my decition and said she dosnt hate me and that no matter what she will always love me and she wants to suport me the best she can she just needs time.:slight_smile:

    Kind regards
    Steve.
     
  18. trumpetkid23

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    Wow, that truly warms my heart that you and your wife have such a positive outlook for each other and your family. :slight_smile:

    And again, I was just throwing that out there. I'm sure you're a wonderful father and your kids obviously mean everything to you. I don't think anyone could know any better than you what is best for them. :slight_smile:
     
  19. stevieboy1

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    Yeah we both love our kids very much that makes it all the harder to deal with. We have had a better couple of days and have managed to muddle bye.

    Thanks again for all your replies and I will hopfully catch up with jim to chat too soon.

    kind regards
    Steve.
     
  20. Bromptonrocks

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    Hey there,

    I'm currently in your situation but I'm not out. I did what you did - got married, kids etc. But nobody knows apart from my nephew. And I came from exactly the same place. Got married because it seemed that was what everybody did. If only EC existed back then.

    PM me if you want to chat. I may be of some help or perhaps you may be able to help me in the future for when I decide to do what you've so bravely done. Well done.