I'm sooooooooo lonely right now!!! I can barely think right now.stupid random suicidal thougthts are driving me crazy. I want to get out of this town.i need new faces,voices.....people my age to talk to,to just hang with...definitely a romantic relationship,but cant find any. I have my family and my fellow church goers,but its just not enough! I just started talking to some people my age that i went to school with for nine yrs. We were never seperated...For nine yrs we were together in a small class of 12 kids in a lutheran school with only 200 students. Never seperated until 02' when we went to seperate high schools.Everyone stopped talking to eachother as if they didnt even know eachother,and with me having no friends here,that bugged the shit out of me,and it still does. Here I am with no one to hang out with,and their all having fun with their new friends,getting married and serving their fucking country. My mom says that if they stopped talking to me then maybe they werent my friends at all and i should learn to live with that,but for some reason i just cant.I cant stop living in the past,because i know that back then my life was more fulfilling than what i have now. I had friends,my dad was still around,everyone liked eachother,and if they didnt they didnt let me know,we had vacations,went to sporting events and had our own house. I was happy!!! Now i know how much my moms side hates my dads side of the family and my moms side also hates my step-moms side,my mother hates my father,we dont have our own house,my step-mom hates me,some of my family are frustrated with me for not getting out on my own,i have no friends here,dads in prison,i cant leave the state without permission and i get random suicidal thoughts that i dont want. I know i have problems,yet just recently stopped telling people about them.They have enough on their plate,and the last thing i think they want to hear is my problems.I know im holding too much in,but when i let it out i dont get the answers i believe i need.I just think that cause when some of them are done giving me their advise,i still dont feel better at all. I want the stress to go away. I want the anger gone. I want the pain to disappear. I want my friends back. I want my happy fun family back. I want my dad back. I want my love for God to come back. I want to feel love again I WANT MY LIFE BACK DAMMIT:tears:
I'm sorry. Please, don't listen to the random suicidal thoughts. I'm sorry that you don't have many friends right now, and I know it's comforting to have ones that don't live in the computer. You also say you don't have anyone to talk to. You can talk to me. You can send me any message with anything in it. I'm your friend, and I care.
Well..for whatever the $.02 of a Tranny in L.A. is worth... I'm sorry, sweetie..you are feeling a lot of pressure, and not without abundant good reasons. A lot of us get frustrated with life and particularly with God and His/Her/It seeming absence. I go with the more Buddhist notion(I still call my Higher Power "God" though) that we are all part of an Eternal ground of being of which each of us is uniquely "us". You have a gift for everyone, including your family in chaos...You may have to leave and find your way, or you may be stuck there for a reason you'll slowly find out.... Courage; you're loved more than you know. Darya
Ilayis, I am sorry you are in pain. Powerful wisdom sent your way by "Darya". Hard to believe I know, but consider, as she states "there might be a reason why you're stuck". Some of life's most powerful lessons require that we suffer the most unthinkable pain. At the time it seems almost barbaric. In hind site, we "get it".........only to make us stronger and better human beings in the long run. I've walked in your shoes my friend & will tell you..... our worst enemy and best friend is "Time"...........just know........this too will pass. I realize this does not solve your problems for now. Look for your support here on "EC" and keep the dialog up!! Don't stop sharing your pain & try helping others with their pain. Oddly enough, many times when were hurting it helps to deflect our own pain by helping others. And then there's this........."I thought my story was so bad until I heard from "so n so". Their story makes me realize my problem really might not be so bad. If there are legal reasons keeping you in Wisconsin, I'm sorry. You might be a good candidate for relocation. I strongly recommend it at this stage in your development if you're able to create that. Dallas, Atlanta & FT. Lauderdale...to name a few, have a viable and thriving gay & bi community! You never know, there might also be others willing to help you get started. Again, keep up the dialog........."get outside of your head". Make sure you're sharing even if it requires a "daily Posting". "I get" the "suicidal psycho-babble" many of us have done it but most of us, like you, really do like our selves to much to pull a stunt like that. It's actually a sign of "intolerance" signaling you to make a change on any level. So pay attention to your thoughts and speak your intentions!! You are an AWESOME human being !! Just ask.........We'll remind you! :icon_wink Stay Strong & Press On!! Suede7 Delray Beach, FL.
