I'm afraid I take exception to that remark. I always knew I was bi but still met a wonderful girl who I married and had two beautiful daughters who are almost grown up. We're still together. Nobody knows about me apart from a nephew. Throughout that time I've chosen to stay closeted and still choose to do so. I'll achieve nothing by coming out now but heartbreak and misery - and for what...so that I can just be who I am?? I've read the numeorus posts where those who have come out have felt a great release on coming out and I do have some envy. Had I been 20 years younger, coming out may have been an option. But now, it's the circumstances I find myself in that dictate that I stay closeted. I'm happy with it but in choosing to remain so, and knowing how different things might have been otherwise, I think it takes guts to remain where I am. I can't think of myself - I have to think of those I'd hurt. That's courage.
Sorry total mo but not everyone feels the same as you, lives in the same environment, has similar friends etc. Open your mind.
To the original poster I would say this - read what the members of EC are saying - and appreciate that they understand what this site is about better than yourself...and that, in one word, is "support". You do not support anyone by outing them. EC is about providing that supportive environment, helping people to better understand their sexuality and help them feel comfortable with it. If the result is that they develop the confidence to share that with the world around them - great. But the timing is, and always should be, absolutely UP TO THEM and no one else. No-one deserves to be called names because they aren't the same as you.
It isn't just about "feeling like coming out". Like others have said, there are so many other variables in the equation. A person can have accepted themselves while they are still in high school or college but choose to stay in the closet. Is it because they are ashamed? Not at all. They are making a mature choice to remain closeted either because of their environment or because they are still on their mom and dad's meal ticket. I have more respect for those who are in that situation because it demonstrates ability to think ahead. What you are proposing is borderline fanaticism which is far more destructive than I think you realize. :eusa_naug
You're oversimplifying a very complex problem. There's a million reasons people would want to stay in the closet, not just because a person feels ashamed. And if it is shame, so what? That's something that person's going to have to deal with, and you've no right to out them. It's their life, and it's their decision to come out or to stay in the closet. Right or wrong, you have no place interfering with such a personal process.
I've had a look at the opening post and a brief look at the others... and I must say, I'm kind of disappointed that there is a gay person willing to out people. The whole idea of the closet is because people are INSIDE of it, afraid to come out. They're afraid to come out because they are afraid of people's reactions. They fear hate, discrimination, and in the most extreme cases, death. Some people, like me, don't really find a point in coming out. Nobody really cares if I come out or not, but if I did, I'd mostly get a negative response more than a positive one. This doesn't mean I'm afraid, it means that I'll wait until I'm older or in a different environment where I'll feel more comfortable and will have no fear of coming out. I can understand the intention, but really, being yanked out of the closet may have been good for you, but it may leave mental scars for that person for the rest of their life.
I see your point that you think you were doing him a favour. Beyond that, though, your entire point completely ignores his point of view, his position, and generally his differences to you. Coming out for you, I surmise, has been positive. There is a point to remember; it's not that simple for everyone. I've not yet told my father, because I really don't know how he'll react. I do actually want to tell my mum, and I'll do that hopefully in the next couple of days. The last thing I'd have needed when I first started this process, was someone trying to force me. We go at our own pace. If you want to make their coming out work better, offer a little advice if it's needed, let them know they're cared for, and that whatever happens, it's not the end of the world. Love and friendship will shine through, even if there's a risk of troubled waters ahead on that front. I seem to remember a member talking about his coming out story on here. He got rather forcibly outed, had a blazing row with his parents, didn't speak to them for a decade, made a mess of his personal life because he was now denying it to himself, and finally came out again properly ten years on. The moral of that story, as he stated at the end of the post, was that coming out before you're ready is not a good idea. Being forced out of the closet can be painful, all your security is being ripped away, and you've got no little corner to hide in. We all need out little corner to hide in once in a while, pretend the world isn't happening. Don't take that away until we're finished with it.
We are not here to out each other, we're here to help each other. Calling someone a coward because they're not ready to come out is closed-minded. You are being ignorant of his feelings, his situation, etc. And "cowardness" is not a word...:dry:
You should really think before trying to pressure people into coming out. Some people have very good reasons for not wanting to come out yet. The best example I can give is my own situation. The only reason I don't come out that I'm gay is that it would most likely get back to my mother. She's been emotionally unstable for a very long time and handicapped for much longer. She does not do well with sudden shocks and she has made it clear how she feels about homosexuality. I'm honestly not sure what she'd do if she found out about me being gay. I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and make sure the bills get paid, as well as caring for her and my younger sister. Quite honestly, I don't really care what my mother does to me or to herself, but my sister would suffer if our mom did something like kick me out. All the responsibility would fall to her and she wouldn't be able to handle it. She's just turning 16 and has a hard enough time keeping up with school and preparing for her future. She'd snap with that kind of pressure on her. This situation has already thoroughly destroyed my life and I'll do anything to keep that from happening to her. If that means waiting a few years before coming out then I'll gladly do it to help her.
Being in the closet does not show cowardice. It can show that you are tactful and smart, or you just aren't ready to come out. Everybody have different situations; some people may have loved ones who agree with gays, while others may have some that are extremely opposed to them. I myself is in the middle: most people I know don't like gays though they are able to 'tolerate' them. I hate the word 'tolerate' because it makes us seem like we're below heteros but they have to deal with us to be nice. Ugh.:eusa_doh: I think the worst thing you can do is to out someone. Coming out is a person's personal responsability not their classmate who seats 10 seats away from them who they barely know. Friends and family can help and encourage the closetee along the way but at the end, the words 'I'm gay' should come out of the closetee's mouth. Not everyone is greeted with hugs, kisses, and a long talk when they come out to a person. Some are greeted with yells, screams, and the front door slamming in their faces with bags of their stuff by their side. When you come out to someone, you should think long and hard about all the possibilites it may open and when a person is outed, they don't have that time to think. I think people who out others for malicious reasons are cowards themselves.
I got outted once and it pissed me off, I think because I felt it was up to me to out myself, but I think the person tha did it trying was trying to help but at the same time it felt like he was trying to embarrass me infront of someone but I told him not to do it again, he'll come out when he's ready. Man I'm 36 and still afraid to come out totally, I'm sure this person probably will see you were just being supportive, it is still tough out there for us, somepeople can handle things better than others. If he stays pissed off at you well there's not much you can do. It sucks that we have to come out at all, nobody else in this world has to come out. "Hey Mom I'm straight, I've never heard anybody say that". But I'm a wuss so there you have it.(!)
I just wanted to add, whether we want to admit it or not, we're at war with 90% of the population and there are only two books that support them the bible, and the koran, neither which I have read but are always quoted as calling us "sinners". But whatever a person follows, should understand God loves his or her or thier creations and that includes us. God wouldn't want us to hide in a closet. (&&&)
