Corrupt A Wish

Granted, but the rest of the world is covered in knives.

I wish that the LEGO Movie never happened.

 

Granted, but the only way that can happen is that no movies exist because everything in the world is made out of LEGO!

I wish bananas were straight.

 

Granted, but they are toxic and coming into contact with one results in a long, painful death.

I wish people weren't annoying most of the time.

 

Granted, but they all smell like unwashed crotch.

I wish I never got sick.

 

granted, but everyone you fall in love with will sneeze forever until you break up with them.

I wish I had a billion dollars.

 

Granted, but all your money gets sucked up in a sinkhole and lost forever.

I wish I had a Bugatti.

 

Granted, but it's old, used, and in terrible condition.

I wish I had a pet cat.

 

Granted, but it's the Cat in the Hat and his creepy face and the fact that he talks weirds you out.

I wish physical affection was more of a thing friends feel they could do without feeling awkward or it leading to more.

 

Granted, but they pass on all sorts of illnesses with the physical contact and you are constantly ill with whatever is going around at the time(lice, stomach bug, ect.).

I wish litter boxes didn't stink.

 

Granted, but everything else in the world does.

I wish I had psychic powers.

 

Granted, but each time you use it you take away 3 years of your lifetime.

I wish I could break dance.

 

Granted, but whenever you break dance you look like a spider having a grand mal seizure.

I wish I could poop on command, so I can make room for more whenever I want.

 

Granted, but you will pee uncontrollably at random times.

I wish I could shoot rainbow lasers out of my eyes.

 

Granted, but the lasers are too bright and you go blind beyond repair.

I wish I had cryokinesis.

 

Granted! But one day, while you're peeing, things go wrong, and you freeze your member off. (Sorry about that!)

I wish I lived in a villa, on the coast of Spain, and had my own olive groves and vineyards.

 

Granted, but you are a cow on it's way to slaughter.

I wish I could be a witch in Harry Potter

 

Granted. You're a little ceramic witch figurine, sitting on some mantel in the background, frozen that way, unable to move.

I wish Harry Potter had turned out to be gay in the movies, and very hormonal, having crushes on all the main male characters, while growing increasingly flirty, and at the same time, adopting an emo look, and wearing black lipstick.

 

Granted, but religious protestors protest Harry Potter as a part of the "Gay Agenda" and it is now illegal to own or read a copy of any of the Harry Potter books.

I wish I could play Taylor Swift's "Bad Blood" on command at any time.

 

Granted, but it is always accompanied by a nails-on-chalkboard sound that makes your ears bleed.

I wish I could paint my nails perfectly and they never get messed up.

 

Granted, but everything else you touch - you destroy.

I wish I could eat all the fat food I wanted and not gain any weight.