So I have this friend who I met through work and I like her a lot. I think she's gorgeous, and she's a really nice person and I love hanging out with her. I've known her for probably a year and a half now, and we've become pretty close. She's pretty much my only close friend. We go see movies and go to the mall and stuff together and we never seem to run out of things to talk about. I sort of want to tell her I like her but I'm afraid it would ruin our friendship. She's not a lesbian but I know she's gone out with at least one girl before so I know she's at least bi-curious or something... but whenever she talks about relationships she always talks about guys. She talks about meeting hot guys in the mall, and she talks about hot guys she sees walking by or in movies or whatever, and I've never seen her comment on a hot girl, so I'm thinking maybe she isn't really into girls that much anyway... but it could be she is and just doesn't mention it. I never really asked her. I haven't told her that I'm gay. I've had several perfect opportunities to that I allowed to slip by. When I showed her my pride anklet that I made she asked why I made it and I told her I was supportive... I could have told her I was gay but I didn't. I know she'd be cool with it because I was joking one day that I would just transgender so people wouldn't complain at me for not being girly (I get that a lot) and she was like, "Wow, are you serious, are you really transgender?" And I was like "no, I was just joking," and she said, "Oh, okay, 'cause I'd TOTALLY be fine with it if you were," and she was really honest and supportive and stuff, and we talk about homosexuality a lot, and she's extremely supportive so I don't know why I haven't come out to her, but I guess I'm just afraid that if I do it'll put something between us because she'll think I think perverted thoughts about her or something, or she won't want me to sleep over any more, or it'll bother her when I hug her or whatever. Although I probably shouldn't worry about it because I think she suspects I'm gay, because I talk about it a lot, and I'm obviously very supportive, and I obviously don't like guys, and when I talk about relationships I always say, "if I were with a person..." or "If I had someone," not like, "If I had a boyfriend" like most girls do, and I know she's noticed because when she says stuff like, "if you had a boyfriend," or "if you fell in love with a guy," she always adds, "or whatever," or "or someone," or something along those lines, so I think she suspects anyway. I've kind of hinted at liking her and I've kind of hit on her a little bit, but I don't know if she thinks I'm just joking or if she just hasn't noticed. Like, I tell her she looks gorgeous, and when she says stuff like, "nobody will marry me," I say "Awww, I'll marry you." (Obviously I'm not actually proposing to her or anything.) And on her last birthday she had a bunch of friends over and somehow people were on the subject of dragging other people into the bedroom and she said, "nobody wants to drag ME into the bedroom," and I said, "What if I do?" And she said, "I'd feel special," and I said, "well... you should feel special, then." And last night when I slept over at her house I put my hat on her and told her she looked hot in it. We're very comfortable with each other physically, like she'll run up and hug me around my neck from behind and hang on me, and we hug each other a lot and I sit on her lap occasionally, and when we're laying on the bed in the living room (they have a bed instead of a couch) watching a movie we'll kind of lay on top of each other or sit on each other, and I've reached into her pocket to get keys, and on her birthday at one point she was laying in the street (it was late at night and she lives in nowhereville so there were no cars or anything) and people kept jumping over her so I straddled her to keep them from jumping over her (which was pretty miserable because I could feel her hips on my thighs and it was turning me on so bad >.<;; ). But of course I don't cross any lines with her or touch her in any way that would make her uncomfortable. Okay, so the jist of that is I'm very attracted to her, we get along well, I think she suspects I'm gay but I haven't told her, I don't know if she's into girls or not, she seems to either not pick up on it or not think I'm serious when I drop hints and flirt with her, and I would really love to go out with her but I'm afraid of asking her out because I'm afraid of ruining our friendship. (Oh, and by the way, she's the same age as me - only two weeks older.) Well, it gets more complicated. Firstly, as much as I like her, even if she liked me back I don't know if it could ever work out. I love her dearly (as a friend) and I know she cares a great deal about me, but I don't know if we would be able to stand each other in a realtionship. We're pretty opposite in a lot of ways, like she's extremely neat and kind of OCD and I'm extremely messy and don't care about dirt and disorganization. That's just one example, but there's other things as well. Also, I'm extremely inexperienced and she's much more experienced... I've never dated and I'm a complete virgin with both sexes - I've never even kissed anyone or done anything - and she's dated a lot of people. She would probably expect me to be the "guy" in the relationship even though I don't consider myself butch (just very infeminine and a little genderqueer), because she's very feminine, but since I have no experience I don't know if I'd be able to take the initiative on things. Plus, I don't know if she would expect to have sex, and if she did I don't know what I'd do, and if I'd be ready and even if I did I've never done anything before so I'm afraid it would be awkward and I wouldn't know what to do and it would be embarassing because she's so experienced and I'm so not. And to add more complication, we're both self-harmers, and we both deal with depression and a bunch of other issues, so I don't know if we'd be able to help each other or if we'd just make each other worse. So I don't know if it could work out, but I'd be willing to try. The complication doesn't end there. So I have this other friend, he's a guy, and a year ago when I was still telling myself I was bi I realized I'd fallen in love with him... only his personality though, as I wasn't physically attracted to him. Since I've realized I'm a lesbian I've realized that nothing could come of my feelings for him since I'm not physically attracted to him at all. Not to say that I think looks are that important that I would only go out with someone that I immediatly thought was attractive or anything like that, but I just can't stand the thought of phsyical intimacy with guys, and he deserves someone who can be emotionally and physically intimate with him, which I can't. But the problem is, I still feel a very deep love for him - deeper than any love I've felt for any other friend - so even though I want to date girls and try to get over him, sometimes I feel like I'd be betraying my feelings or something, or that it would be wrong to go out with somebody while I still feel this deep love for him even though I know I can never act on it, and it wouldn't be fair to the person I was dating if I was still in love with somebody else. Sorry this is so long, but I could really use some advice. Should I come out to my friend? Should I risk our friendship and ask her out and see what happens? Should I even bother trying to have a relationship with her if I'm so unsure of wether it could work out? Should I wait until I'm over my other friend more? How DO I get over him? Should I just say nothing and be content to be her friend? Am I stupid for over-analyzing all the possibilities and factors and complications? Should I just chill out and not worry so much about wether it could work out? Should I try to be more obvious with my hints? Arrgh, I just don't know what to do or what to think... any help would be appreciated...
OK, that was a post-and-a-half!!! Whew! I have to have a rest now! *has a power nap* Ok, I'm back. Only thing is, I'm not sure what to say. The fact is that you're still quite young - yes, 17 is young when you're 36. So there is really no need to rush into anything. You could certainly leave well enough alone and just see how things evolve over the next few months. Life is sometimes better when you just 'let it happen'. But to a couple of your concerns... If you've been good friends for a year and a half, then I don't think you need to be too concerned about your opposit characteristics. They would have pushed you apart already if they were that important to either of you. You seem very comfortable with each other, which is great. I would think that the best relationship would be one that is born out of a true and deep friendship, so your situation sounds great. The great risk, of course, is that she isn't interested in you in that way, and that results in your friendship being strained going forward. Nobody knows how that will turn out. But again, usually there is an element of risk for any reward. And don't be nervous about not having any 'experience'. You'd be amazed how quickly you can pick things up - when you're into it, and you have a caring partner that you care about in turn. Don't let that be an issue. I'll be interesting to hear what others have to say. Good luck!
i cant really give much advice on this seein as its never really happened 2 me,all guys i know r definetly str8, id advise u 2 come out to her tho, not str8 away but at a time when u feel comfy tellin her so dont go round 2 see her just 2 tell her, just slot it in sumwer like its no big deal cus it shudn't b between u 2 seein as ur gd friends and well afta tht just let happen whats gonna happen id say no 2askin her out tho, if she doesnt feel totally comfy with u finkin bout her romantically then askin her out wud b the last thing she wants so wait afew months, see how she acts and what she says. and u sed she was curious, u never know when u come out 2 her she might ask you out, if ur lucky. and the self harming thing, if u see eaother self harming then try get hueva it is 2 stop it for hu sees it so u will both try 2 stop self harming for eaotha wich is normally more motivating than just trying 2 stop.
If you're pretty certain about her being supportive and accepting, then it sounds like she would be a good person to whom to come out when the moment is right. You could always let her know that you felt awkward about doing so because you didn't want anything to prejudice the friendship you have. After that...I'd just enjoy the friendship and see if it looks likely to go to a different level. She may not want anything other than a friendship - and if she doesn't then you haven't lost anything - but if she does, and she is more experienced in relationships than yourself, I would think it likely she would give you some indications. Good luck in any case, whichever way you play it
I kind of have the same situation with a friend of mine too. I know she's straight, but sometimes by the way she acts... I feel as though she's interested in me. It makes things so much harder when you have alot in common & you have a comfortable physical relationship with each other. It's also easy to confuse their 'playfulness' for something more if you feel an attraction to them. I would suggest coming out to her first at an approriate time when you're comfortable. Considering the fact you have no issue discussing homosexuality, it'd probably be easier to come out during one of those discussions. From what you've said, I don't think she's going to react adversly. She actually sounds like a very nice & accepting person, which is great to hear. But just see how things go from there. If she shows signs of interest, maybe mention your thoughts to her. Or even ask someone to casually bring up the subject of relationships with her & find out what her feelings are. As confusing as things may seem, I don't reccomend confessing your feelings for her until you have more of an indication she may feel the same. I'm sure the last thing you want is for her to feel awkward knowing that you like her if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings too. As for the situation with my friend- I haven't come out to her yet. But when I do I wouldn't make any advances for fear of rejection & hurting our friendship. If she approached me, it would be a different matter altogether. But not being 100% certain of her feelings...I'm not game enough to make any first move.
Thanks for the advice, guys, it's very helpful... I guess my first step will be to come out to her. Easier said than done... but I'll try to get the guts to do it next time another perfect opportunity rises. I don't know if I can do it, I'm such a wuss... but I'll definitely try. =]
All I can say is good luck! Sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised with the way things turn out...:icon_wink
