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I don't know if i want to change

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by xxAngelOnFirexx, Aug 31, 2007.

  1. xxAngelOnFirexx

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    I know its bad. I know i shouldn't. but i can't seem to stop this time around.
    see i self-harm. including: cutting, burning, and choking. i stopped the choking. i had a very high chance of accidental suicide and i've already done some damage i beleive and i'm going to see a neologist in about a month for it. the burning i don't do too often. and i only do it for a fraction of a second again the thickest area of my skin on my foot. so there is really no damage. but the cutting, well, thats a whole different story. i've needed stitches three times but i only got them once because i didn't tell anyone. so i have three really nasty scars. but the other scars i don't really mind. i can't cut on my arms much because it'll be seen. my therapists and family all think i've stopped after the hospital. i haven't. not that i've really cut much since but i haven't. soon as i got back from the hospital my mom took all of the sharps. i ended up stealing back a knife, a razors and two pairs of scissors. well my mom didn't notice and yesterday put everything back. she trusts me!:tears: i know she can't and it hurts me but i just don't want to stop. i don't want to do bad damage like before but just little cuts like i've been doing. maybe some worse ones now and then but not stitch worthy. i sure do not want to go back to the hospital. but there is no way i'm going to tell them. i want to get better on my own if need be but for now i just want to cut. but i feel real guilty about it. i hate lying about it. i would like to hear anything like advice, or such that you can give. i just need to talk to some people about this. its driving me crazy.

    (i know that if you've never cut you'll have no idea why i do it. its impossible for anyone to understand so i'm not going to ask you too. i don't want posts telling me how stupid or ridiculus it is. i realize it. i just want posts with like advice on what to do to get better or anything about it. so don't be too critisizing. if you've cut before and stopped or still do i'd love to hear anythign you've done to stop or deal with it.)
     
  2. xxAngelOnFirexx

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    I'd even just like some (*hug*) 's...
     
  3. AzThRg0

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    here are 5 hugs (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
    I dont know much about cutting having never done it myself butit sounds like you need to tell someone and keep getting help hun. It sounds like you cant get better on your own. They are going to find out sooner or later you should make sure it is sooner you you can get help!! This is serious so please stop putting yourself at risk and get help!
     
  4. Perrygay

    Perrygay Guest

    Well, I could never intentionally hurt myself in any way. But, I know what it's like to feel very depressed.

    Anyway, you say you have a lot of friends and family, and even a physciatrist. And yet you still hurt yourself. Personally, I think you just got too much in the habit of being depressed and hurting yourself, and now you don't really know how to act differently. I could be wrong, but I think you're just hurting yourself out of habit. And if that's the case, you're just going to have to make yourself stop, if not for anything but your own sake. Instead of cutting yourself, go work out or something else that's physical. You can't just live your life secretely cutting yourself, you're going to have to eventually stop some time, so why not now?
     
  5. paul7836

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    Im not an expert on cutting or anything, but i have had a few friends go through it. I think you need to attack the underlying reason to why you are cutting. Its usually something big in your life that has happened. So talk to someone you can trust about it. Be completely true to them, talking to someone helps more than you think.
     
  6. Moth

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    Well, you say you don't want to stop... but if you're going to be completely honest with yourself, you do. Otherwise you wouldn't be posting, otherwise you wouldn't be asking for help. You do and don't want to stop at the same time. You want to stop because you don't like what it does to you (the guilt and lying), but you want to do it because you like the effect it has at the particular moment. Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what it sounds like to me.

    I know exactly what you're going through, because I'm a cutter too. Since I started almost two years ago, I've stopped and started and stopped and started dozens of times. The first time I stopped I had the help of a friend - he was sort of an "accountability partner," he encouraged me when I was doing well and encouraged me to stop when I started up again. I didn't really stop for long, but because of his help I was able to break the habit, so I was only doing it when I was extremely emotional, not just all the time out of habit and addiction.

    Since then I've tried many times to stop, but I always find myself returning to it. I'd recently stopped for a few months, probably my longest yet, but recently went back to it and became addicted again, worse than before. Part of me wants to stop again, part of me doesn't care. Part of me thinks that when I'm eighteen and moved out and away from my family my depression and self-injuring will improve dramatically and I won't have to worry about it so it doesn't matter one way or another until then. The logical part of me knows that it's not just going to magically get better after I move out, and that it's going to continue to be a process, so I should start now.

    Generally, any time I stop, the thing that makes me stop is solely the thought of, "I don't want this." Because while I may want it at a certain moment, in the end, when all is said and done, I don't want it. I don't want the addiction and I don't want the scars. I've already got some scars, but I don't want more. In the end, who does? You want what hurting yourself gives you for a moment, but you don't want the end result. You don't want what you have to live with twenty and fifty years down the road.

    Since I'm still a hypocrite who can't stop for long, I can't really give you much advice. Maybe just think of all the reasons you want to hurt yourself, then all the reasons you don't want to hurt yourself, and generally the list of reasons you don't want to hurt yourself will outweigh the list of reasons you do want to. I don't really have any methods for quitting, as usually it's sheer willpower for me. However, if you ever need to talk, please feel free to email, PM, or IM me.

    If you want to make a committment to stop, I would be willing to be an accountability partner with you if you'd like, as I'd like to stop too. We could keep track together and encourage each other. I've found having somebody else to stop for helps a lot more than merely stopping for oneself, so having an accountability partner is very helpful. You may not want to make a committment now, and that's fine, but if you ever do later on you can also get a hold of me later. If you'd ever like to be accountability partners, please email or PM me.

    I wish I could give you more advice, but unfortunately I myself could probably use some advice on the subject... just know that I'm here for you if you ever need me. (*hug*)
     
  7. wtinal

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    Cutting is very addictive, and in my opinion, it usually has a root in either a lack of bonding or trying to ignore some kind of pain. I struggled for over 15 years with cutting. When I decided I wanted to stop cutting, I needed serious help - not a hospital though. I needed friends/family that I could call and talk to when I wanted to cut. I needed people to sit with when I struggled with it. Not know you at all, I would think you need people to be willing to sit with you, talk with you, cry with you, and hold you until all that yuck gets out and rest and peace can be brought in. I know my words make it sound simple, but as I have said before, stopping cutting will be the hardest thing you do in life. Cutting is addictive - just like cocaine or alcohol or tobacco or any other drug. It is a drug. You need help with the withdrawal process - which can take a long time.

    You are so worth the time and effort to help you through this awful struggle. I am sorry you have to face it. I can tell you that facing it and dealing with the "withdrawal" is definitely worth it. Everything brightens and almost seems new.

    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  8. Today4U

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    I've never cut, nor do I know anyone who has, so I can't really give you any advice. But I just want you to know that we are all here for each other, so don't stop talking. I can't give you advice, but I can give you hugs!

    Two for each of you!

    (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  9. JayHew

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    The basic way to deal with this Angel is to find a way to interrupt your thought/emotional process. A lot of what happens is you are a slave to your emotions and do not control them. Becoming aware of how the process starts and leads up to the cutting episode is what you have to try to do and when you see it, have a means set up to stop the thought/emotional process (ie, take a walk, write in a journal, go sit with family and talk about the day events) anything to disrupt the process. One other thing will help and that is believing you can stop the process, you have control over what you do and can make a difference. Just keep trying.

    One of the reasons people do not understand the episodes you have is because they can't fathom the why, but in truth, neither does the person who does it. But it is a means of feeling something, to validate your being or to "ground" you or allow focus in your life. It also stops the process once blood and pain are felt.

    Trying to find the underlying feelings you are having is the purpose of therapy, but in doing the therapy session, you have to be honest about what it is you are feeling. It is felt there are a number of factors that generate this behavior; being marginalized or ignored from family and friends as well as institutions (school) feelings of abandonment also contribute. Results are low self esteem, feeling of worthlessness, depression. The cycle can become quite vicious and though most with this behavior disorder don't intend to commit suicide, if not eventually dealt with, some will move to this thought process as they feel it is the only way out of the crazy cycles they go through. It doesn't have to be that way.

    You hiding your wounds and not telling the whole story are being dishonest with yourself. You have to decide honestly whether or not you want this whole thing to stop. To do so you have to make the effort with your therapist to change what you think, how you feel and how you react. You will not be changing the essential you as that can't be changed, but only the premise from which you operate and we all have such a place we use as our foundation. The manner of your feelings, followed by your thought process can be changed once you allow for you facing them and challenging them instead of accepting them.

    So, the best thing is to become aware of how this pattern sets up and establish a plan for interrupting it, either by cognitive behavior modification techniques or physically removing yourself from your room or isolated place and be with people or become engaged in another type of physical activity.
     
  10. Paul_UK

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    Although I have nothing useful to add, I have found this thread very interesting.

    You are not alone with this Angel, and it's great to see Moth and wtinal offering such wonderful support from their own experiences. I hope the three of you, and others in a similar situation, are able to draw strength from each other.

    In the absence of any advice, I will give you all a (&&&)
     
  11. xxAngelOnFirexx

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    thank you all for your support! i realize that you are right that it is completely out of habit. if i'm bored i want to cut. if i'm mad i want to cut. if i'm depressed i want to cut. if i feel i've done something wrong i want to cut out of punishment. sometimes at simple things such as getting in an arguement or being rude or more serious things for hurting someones feelings or being a bad sister/daughter/friend/girlfriend/ect. i feel that i can't turn to my therapist. or family. family being my mom and sister. friends being my best friend and girlfriend. i really have to no one else. except for my online friends i make/have. i think i am so into the habit that i don't really see a reason to stop. but i hate lying, and being in this cycle. i guess deep down somewhere i do want to stop but i just have been trying (i had 8 1/2 months cutting free before i lost it and ever since can't get more than a few days. its been way worse this time around than before. just like i knew it'd be. because now i feel like its not possible/plausible.) i think for now just talking about it to my friend (both online and offline) i should be able to get support to stop or at least not hurt myself seriously. the last few days my two main support systems have been unable to contact. one i have no idea how he/she is. the other, my girlfriend, was having phone problems but now her phones working but i have no idea why she's no answering it (her friends/cousins are. they hate me. they tell us both lies. so we agreed not to listen to anything unless we heard it directly. and they aren't telling her i called. i don't know whats going on and its driving me crazy). so i learned i can't just rely on these two people. i need a more stable support system. since i can't tell my therapist (i don't want to bring her into this. is she and my mom think i'm not getting better it'll make it more real. i can't deal with that right now). so i think i will be PMing or replying to this. i really thank you all and anyone who replies to this. (&&&)
     
  12. wtinal

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    I am so glad you are talking and sharing your struggle with us. It was difficult for me to share the struggle with others. I think you are right in needing a more solid support system. Your therapist, mom, and sister may need to be a part of that support system at some point. Maybe (and I don't know your family or therapist) you can think about what you need from them in practical terms, write those things down so it is clear, and then talk about them. For example, "Mom, I am scared to talk to you about cutting, because I am afraid you will say I am not getting better. I want to get better, so I need to talk about cutting. I need your help, but what I need you to do is................(just listen, sit with you while you emote, talk to you about your day, not focus on the cutting). Maybe for your end you could agree that when you feel like cutting, you will always talk to someone "first" (since I have there, I know it is unrealistic to just say "okay, I'll never do it again", but I did have the option to always talk to someone first, acknowledge what I wanted to do, and go from there). These are practical things that helped me. They may or may not help you. Feel free to PM anytime. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  13. Paul_UK

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    That 8 1/2 months cutting free period is an achievement you should be proud of. But don't let it belittle the periods you are able to go without cutting now. Circumstances are probably different now, and in any event comparing that period to the periods of a few days now could make you feel you are not doing so well now.

    Can you try to take it a day at a time? When you get up tell yourself that you are not going to cut today, and do your best to achieve that. Then the next day do the same. Then the next day... Maybe there will be occasional days that you do cut, but you could perhaps take it week by week. Only cut two days this week, only once this week, only twice this month.

    I am trying to think along the lines of people giving up smoking or other habits. I believe that your cutting is, at least to some extent, a habit that you want or need to quit, so am wondering if the same ideas would work.

    Would it help to keep a journal or diary (paper, on your computer, or online)? When you feel that you need to cut or whatever, try to hold back and instead write your thoughts and feelings in the journal. I am wondering whether releasing some of the emotions this way would allow you to focus away from harming yourself. Sometimes writing things down helps you to organise your thoughts. Plus if/when you need to seek help with this, you have something that helps to explain what the real issues are.

    If my ideas are total rubbish then just ignore them!
     
  14. wtinal

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    In my opinion, Paul, your ideas are excellent! I think I used most of them too when I was struggling to stop cutting.
     
  15. Kibuki kid

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    I'm not a cutter but i do internalise my emotions........cutting is a way of getting rid of bottled up emotions but its dangerous. I'm not trying to lecture you or tell you to quit it when i cant stop botteling up my own emotions, what i'm saying is take Paul's advice, take it one day at a time, talk about it, keep a journal and try and trust the people around you again, you'll need them to get through this. The more you let out your emotions the better you'll feel and over time things will improve, baby steps......(*hug*)
     
  16. jroakwood

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    heh. i know i dont understand it and i would never do it to myself, probably because first of all, i would be too much of a pussy. just thinking about it makes me cringe.

    and i know we havent gotten along on the subject of "emos" recently but heres a (*hug*) anyways.

    but i can honestly say im sorry youre going through this and that i hope that you can get better and get help to stop doing it because i have known people who used to do it, and its not good.

    :slight_smile:
     
  17. EthanS

    EthanS Guest

    Awww(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) I can neva do what u can, I get too queezy to cut my self, burning hurts too much and choking .. how do u do that??

    Well I hope u can stop.. but i think the kids dat cut when there older they eventually stop neway:thumbsup:
     
  18. bvtsjm116

    bvtsjm116 Guest

    (*hug*) I don't know how I can help much, but you seem like such a great person. You are always willing to help and always help others. Don't cut yourself. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) I suggest just going about it like you'd try to break a bad habit, but I don't have much experience, so what do I know, but heres a bunch of hugs. (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  19. xxAngelOnFirexx

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    i just cut and i don't care i had to get out my emotions and i still should do more because i'm not entirely better.

    *edit* i did do a little more but not much.
     
    #19 xxAngelOnFirexx, Sep 1, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2007
  20. xxAngelOnFirexx

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    i feel bad now. i want to stop. darn cycle...
    i'm so sick with myself for cutting. i feel so very bad about it. so sick i could puke. :tears: i don't know what to do...
     
    #20 xxAngelOnFirexx, Sep 1, 2007
    Last edited: Sep 1, 2007