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Figuring myself out...

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by G1969, Aug 2, 2007.

  1. G1969

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    First off, many thanks must go to a very great guy who's really been supportive of me in the past days. I wouldn't be where I am now hadn't been of him.

    At any rate, I'm a 38 old man who's just learning and trying to be as honest as can be with himself. I am a married man with 2 kids (9 and 7). In the past month, I've had "encounters" with a few guys. Luckily, I've come across my "guardian angel" and he encouraged me to seek professional help as these encounters were truly leading me down a very slippery road.

    Today, I had my first session of counseling. Apart from good sincere chats with my "guardian angel", this was my first time speaking so openly about myself to someone else. I still don't know where I'm going but I consider it a first step towards helping me better "define" myself. Despite many signs pointing to me actually being gay, it is still very difficult to come to this realization myself, given the so many hard consequences that I would face (likely divorce, loss of daily contact with kids especially if wife decides to move out of town, which she may very well decide to do...)

    Anyway, at this point, I need to take it one day at a time, work through this "challenge" at my own pace and with as much help and support I can get from everywhere.

    Cheers!

    G.
     
  2. beckyg

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    Hi G! I'm glad you are getting the help that you need. It's a very tough situation you are in. You are going to be in a much better place with your wife and kids if you don't have casual sex while you are trying to figure yourself out. Jim, who is on here, is about your age and has gone through exactly what you are going through. He will probably be able to give you some great advice and support in your journey. Good luck. We're here if you want to talk.
     
  3. Half-Light

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    I wish you the best of luck!
     
  4. G1969

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    Thank you Becky. My plan is indeed to go "cold turkey" while I'm working through this. I think it's the thing to do for everyone's sake. You sure are not the first one to bring this up and I appreciate the reinforcement. This situation is quite bad and I hope it can inspire the younger crowd to listen to their inside voice NOW instead of later...
     
  5. Choucho

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    Welcome to EC. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but I'm glad that you're figuring things out. ^_^ I hope everything works out well for you, and I wish you luck! There's a lot of wonderful and supportive people here, so I'm sure you'll be able to find some help. :slight_smile:
     
  6. JayHew

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    Welcome G. I agree wholeheartedly with Becky. I wish you the very best of luck with this journey. It may seem difficult now, but it will be worth it later.
     
  7. Kimi

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    Hello and Welcome to empty closets!!!

    I'm so glad that you got support you needed!! This place is great place to talk to someone who has similar experience that you are about to go through!!!! I hope this site and professional help will help you to figure out the "define" that you are looking for:thumbsup:

    I wish you the very best of luck(*hug*)
     
  8. curioos69

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    This is REALLY REALLY tough. I feel I'm gay but I'm at a stage of life so far along (with wife and kids) that I don't know if I'll ever be able to be honest with myself. I'm afraid I'll keep finding reasons why all the pain I'd be causing people is not worth being "true" to myself "just" for "having good times" with other guys. Really hard and keep getting teary eyes when I think of all this. I really feel that I'm about to mess up my marriage and hurt people badly for nothing, like a self-centered bastard would. The things is I know I'm not but my mind is fighting REALLY hard to win over my heart. I certainly feel right now that my life would collapse given the financial strain that it would put on me: I'm the sole bread winner with a salary that definitely doesn't allow for 2 mortgages (or possibly to rents of decent apartments in Toronto). Totally mixed up!
     
  9. G1969

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    Sorry I replied with the first username I created: curioos69. I am in fact G1969. After I created curioos69, I thought to myself that I was actually more than "curious" and needed another username that I wouldn't have to change later down the road if/when I find the guts to "make a decision". Sorry for the confusion this may have created and wanted to let you all know that I'm not trying to foul or play you. My apologies again.
     
  10. downboyup

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    hard decision. i understand.

    - is the gay inclination something that has just hit you, or has it been there all along and building ?

    - i can understand you being very unsettled about the possibility of your life and family falling apart

    i think there are a few on here with similar. i have experienced it.

    i know it can consume your every thought, and it is hard to get your attention onto other things, but remember it is only one aspect of you and there are many other facets of living to provide enjoyment - so do put it into perspective also.

    you are welcome to pm me if you wish.
     
  11. Jim1454

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    Hi G1969. I won't repost my stories again - but you can search for them under my user name. I can totally relate to what you're going through - and I'm here for you when ever you want to talk. Things seem really dark and confusing right now, but I'm proof that you can get through it, and come out the other side of those dark times, and things aren't as bad as you envisioned that they could be.

    Keep doing the good, positive things, and stay away from the negative, distracting things. They won't get you closer to 'the answer'.

    Take care! We're all here for you. PM me any time!
     
  12. G1969

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    The attraction to guys have been there for a long time... maybe as much as 20 years, I hate to admit. I acted on it once about 10 years ago when I was on business travel. Went back to the school I attended, to a tea room I knew, and it happened... Recently move to Toronto where everything is possible (the good and the bad) and a month or so ago, I crossed the line... :eusa_doh:

    As far as this being "only one aspect of me", that's what I'm struggling with. Is it really worth screwing everything up "just" for that small part of (selfish) me? I'll hurt so many people (at least 3 I really care about: wife + 2 kids). Might as well just "keep it quiet down inside" and live with it!

    Understand my nice train of thought? I'm a smart guy (sorry for the lack of modesty here) who WILL be able to justify any decision! Boy do I wish I was dumb sometimes (or maybe I am! Eureka, that's it, I AM dumb. I've screwed up all those years :eusa_clap and now considering screwing other great people's life too.)
     
  13. G1969

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    I have no doubt you can relate to what I'm going through. Thank you for the encouragment and for tending a hand... My world is dark and stormy right now. I don't know if I'll ever see the (true) sun some time soon... You are TRULY a gem. I wish I felt the same about myself... :bang:
     
  14. CrimsonThunder

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    Hey and welcome to the forums!

    I obviously don't know what you're going through but I can only just say what I'm thinking, maybe you're bi because you have had sex with a girl and had 2 kids (so you may have enjoyed that) and you've also had sex with guys and I also suppose you enjoyed that too. Being bi is good because you can have both and not feel weird or confused about it. But you may have just had sex with a girl because you were brought up to think thats what you're supposed to do...

    Anyways, if you eventually work out if you're straight/gay or bi I'm sure you're wife will love you because she's been with you for so long.

    Hope I understood your problem correctly. =)
     
  15. G1969

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    CT, Thank you very much for your input. But I have a slightly different point of view. Being bi does NOT mean that you "can have both". A commitment (marriage) is a commitment. If I can't stay true to my wife (if I turn out bi), I still need to go through a divorce.

    Anyway, I sure hope my wife loves me enough to understand and accept who I turn out to be. I think she does but everything seems so dark right now that I "enjoy" making my life miserable with dark thoughts.
     
  16. Paul_UK

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    Hi G, welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    No problem! I'll make curioos69 inactive for you, just to avoid future mistakes. :thumbsup:
     
  17. downboyup

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    g1969 - I understand - keep posting.

    -take long walks, keep nutrition in with lots of vitamins, look up old friends and drop them a friendly line, and find an incomplete job around the house and finish it.

    keep occupied.
     
  18. jayden

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    welcome g1969 to EC from me jayden. i find the long posts hard to read but think i under stand it. i hope every thing will be good for you and you will like it here at EC
     
  19. aussie paul

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    Hi CrimsonThunder,
    I agree and disagree with you on being Bi. I'm Bi too. But I'm married and love my wife. Yep when I was single and uncommitted to one person, being Bi-sexual was fun because I was free to enjoy sex with boys or girls, depending on my mood that month or year! So in one way it's good being Bi. (Although socially it was very difficult, in Sydney in the 1970s).
    Being Bi and Married is very difficult for me. My wife and I told our doctor about my sexuality and he (who is our age too) wished us luck, saying it was one of the most difficult sexual combinations. True!
    Sometimes I wish I never married so I could be free to have male sex again. But then I love my wife and choose to stay with her. It's tough man! Paul
     
  20. aussie paul

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    hey G1969, further to my private message. yep I agree about the marriage commitment as above. Also, about divorce, we have mentioned it, regarding me leaving to be free to have M2M sex. You and many others know and believe that sex outside marriage is a slippery slope, as you said earlier. no matter the gender!! but about divorce. is the urge for sex with men so strong that you would leave your family? For some it is so. for me, I was close to leaving, one week, I was. This week, I am fully committed to my marriage and also my sexual urges are less strong these days. I still long for and dream of M2M sex, but we all dream of sex with other people, don't we?
    What can I say, I'm going in circles here man. the professional should be able to help you better than me. Good luck, keep listening mate, Paul