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Met a guy.. now I'm confused

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by IDKWhattodo, Jul 21, 2007.

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  1. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    Well, then I think you are taking the right approach. Refuse to play his game. He obviously isn't the guy for your. That will be hard to accept - when you really clicked on a physical level. At least you did have a really good time with him that once...
     
    #41 Jim1454, Aug 10, 2007
  2. IDKWhattodo

    IDKWhattodo
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    Well, you are probably right. I didn't want this to end like this. I just hope I'm doing the right thing. I think I need to start coming to terms with my sexuality. These past few weeks and my reactions to what has happened have really made me rethink my situation.

    I just don't know where to go from here. I thought I was okay, and I thought I could just forget this happened. It is harder than I thought.
     
    #42 IDKWhattodo, Aug 11, 2007
  3. downboyup

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    i really understand.
     
    #43 downboyup, Aug 12, 2007
  4. IDKWhattodo

    IDKWhattodo
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    Wow.. ok so he just sent me a message with a link. I opened it, and it is a news story about how a show is being canceled. It was an inside joke between us. So that obviously means he is thinking about me, right? How should I respond to that?

    On another note. I took some of your alls advice and hooked up with a different guy. I was completely trashed, but I remember not liking it that much. I couldn't stop thinking about him the whole time while I was with this new guy. Also, it felt different. It was weird, and I didn't really enjoy it. I think this guy could tell, too. What does that mean?
     
    #44 IDKWhattodo, Aug 14, 2007
  5. downboyup

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    It means, that you are not a slut ! and it is not just about sex for you. be proud. You actually really care about someone and that is totally and completely fine.

    Great that he is thinking about you. My gut feeling is not to go too overboard and give him too much of you. A bit of restraint can keep yourself from getting hurt, and also this is the level he wants to communicate at for a bit. respect that and enjoy chatting with him at that level. Let him reach a bit. You certainly have let him know how you feel. good luck
     
    #45 downboyup, Aug 15, 2007
  6. joeyconnick

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    With respect to the guy you're totally into, all you can do is either ignore him or follow his lead. That is, you can either just let him drift off (which might ultimately be the easier option in the long run given the history, which is not to say it wouldn't be incredibly sad) or you can communicate at the level he's indicated he's comfortable communicating at. And that, I know from personal experience, will be torture for you. Whether you're willing to endure that torture is up to you. And it is possible (though by no means likely) that the way the relationship between the two of you goes heads back to what you are so invested in. But if it doesn't, you will likely end up blaming yourself, even though it's nothing to do with you. So you have a choice... very superficial interaction that is sure to be torture and only has a very slim chance of ending up the way you want it to end up or... well, there are several other choices. You could just take a break from him for a few weeks/months. Things might change in that time. For closer or for further away... you can't really control that. Or you can just let him go and let your feelings for him loosen their grip on your life. That way you'd have more energy to figure yourself out.

    I'm sure there are other options too.

    As for the drunken sex with the other guy... geez, I don't think ANYONE here was encouraging you to have bad drunk sex with some stranger. First off, sex while drunk is often really bad. Second, of COURSE given your state and your feelings for "the guy" you were going to find it completely unsatisfying whether drunk or sober. I mean it's kinda admirable you were so "game," I guess, but if you're gay, it's actually not about drunken gropings with strangers, despite what some people might claim (and occasionally how they might act). At the core of it, if you're gay or bi, you can and do fall in love with guys. Which it totally sounds like you have with the guy in question (the one who likes sending frustrating text messages). Yes, sex is a part of that, and sure even drunken sex at times, but it's not the be-all and end-all.

    I think maybe something that would be more helpful than having more drunken sexual encounters would be talking to some actual gay people or people who are gay-friendly, at least. I know that's incredibly scary if you never have but you'd be amazed how incredible it can feel to talk to people who aren't judgmental and who might actually have similar feelings and experiences.

    After I first came out and fell for a boy, he ended up leaving me to take up with the only other gay guy I knew. (Yes, the drama, the heartbreak... it was horrible.) So then I had told a lot of my friends and some of my family but I literally didn't know anyone else who was gay, so I hung out with the two of them for the summer, and boy was that the very stupidest idea I ever did have. Well, one of them at least.

    But then I got involved with my university's glbtq group that fall and it was amazing because there were all these people who were either going through what I was going through or had gone through it already (which I found more useful). Anyway, all I can say is that it really helped. Being isolated in how you feel is never going to be a good thing. A burden shared is a burden halved.
     
    #46 joeyconnick, Aug 18, 2007
  7. IDKWhattodo

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    Well... I understand what you are saying. I think I am fine with the level of communication we are at right now. I really think that he pushed me away because he didn't want to get hurt. I don't blame him at all. He also had just gotten off anti-depresents about a week or so before we started hanging out. He was on them because last summer is long-term and long-distance boyfriend broke up with him. Supposedly he messed with his head a lot. I don't know the details.

    I have been having a blast with my friends every day, and I have realized that I can't let something like what happened between me and him change who I am. I need to figure that out for myself.

    He sent me a message with a link to a news story about an inside joke between us. I sent him a different link back. Here is the convo we had yesterday.

    Me (6:57:10 PM): yo did u get that link? hahaha

    Me (6:57:45 PM): i came across that today and it cracked me the fuck up cuz the reds suck ass

    him (6:58:23 PM): lol yea i decided cincinnati needed a sympathy win, since they don't do well on HBO

    Me (6:58:34 PM): ha.. funny

    Me (6:58:52 PM): well.. i mean you cant win everything

    Me (6:59:20 PM): u have to admit tho... sweeping the braves in atlanta..

    Me (6:59:27 PM): thats pretty damn good

    Me (6:59:31 PM): especially for the reds

    Him (7:00:34 PM): very true.. every once in a while the underdog might pull a win

    Him (7:00:48 PM): ..by a single point

    Me (7:01:35 PM): well playa.. a win is a win.. lol but anyway... how u been??

    Him (7:01:57 PM): not bad i guess, you

    Me (7:02:44 PM): ive been good.. just drinkin way too much... and i got in a wreck yesterday

    Me (7:04:12 PM): so the green machine is out of commission right now

    Me (7:05:39 PM): but my buddy is here right now so i should prolly get off... i just wanted to make sure that you knew that your braves got smashed by a team from the state that you love the most..

    Him (7:07:03 PM): haha asshole

    Him (7:07:12 PM): hhow'd u wreck the elegant scion

    Me (7:10:53 PM): dude

    Me (7:11:36 PM): this damn dad of an orientation kid was on coming and cut me off.. i almost ran into a house

    Him (7:17:08 PM): lol damn

    Me (7:22:54 PM): yea dude

    Me (7:27:54 PM): what u gettin into tonight

    Him (7:44:06 PM): not sure still, you?

    I didn't respond because I had left and forgot to put up an away message. He had signed off by the time I got back on. This is the stage we are at right now-- small talk. He still hasn't responded to my e-mail. When should I ask him to hang out again? Or should I not?
     
    #47 IDKWhattodo, Aug 19, 2007
  8. IDKWhattodo

    IDKWhattodo
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    Ok now that school has started back up again, all my friends are back. I have just been so blinded by all the partying and reuniting to even think about this situation that much. I don't know if I am gay or bisexual. I know I am attracted to men. I am also attracted to women. I find myself acting one way when I am out around all my buddies and another when I am by myself or with a guy. It is like I am living two lives. I go out with my guys friends, who are the typical frat guys, and I am out looking for girls. I ENJOY IT. It isn't like I am just doing it to put up a front. Then, if I see a straight guy I think might be gay then I get interested. I kind of just want to know if I could turn him gay I guess.

    I am not trying to sound cocky, and I don't know why I act like this. No offense to anyone on here, but I am not into the flamboyant stereotypical "gay guy" at all. I can't even really stand being in the same room as someone like that. Yet, I am attracted to men sexually. I think. I don't know if it is that or if it is the thrill that I am doing something different.

    I have been with a few guys, and I have had a hard time keeping an erection. Every time I am with a girl I am always super hard, though. I think I like the excitement of doing something that I "shouldn't be doing." I just don't get what the hell is going on right now. There are so many emotions running through me, but it only happens when I am alone. I get into this "mood" that makes me feel so alone. I have a lot of friends, and I go out every weekend and some weeknights. But like I said, the moment I am alone I start thinking about this.

    Currently I am hooking up with this dude, but we have only hooked up twice. We were sloshed both times. He identifies himself as straight, also. He is a varsity athelete. We have a lot of mutual friends and stuff. It would be horrible if they found out about us. I mean, I don't even know what the fuck it is with me. Sometimes I want to be in a relationship with him, and other times I get disgusted and annoyed.

    I really think I am just fucked up. I am indecisive and a control-freak. I like the chase, but then I get upset if there is a chase. I want to see where this thing between me and him goes, but I don't want to freak him out. How do I go about that? Just not bring anything up and we will eventually hook up again?

    This is really all over the place, so if you can figure anything out at all from it then please let me know.
    What the hell is my problem???
     
    #48 IDKWhattodo, Aug 27, 2007
  9. zumbo

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    Basing on your latest post I think that you're just ego-tripping attractive guys to gratify your male ego.

    I completely know that I'm gay but I also sometimes flirt with girls who think that I'm attractive then I make them feel busted:dry: afterwards.
     
    #49 zumbo, Aug 28, 2007
  10. joeyconnick

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    Yeah but do you repeatedly have sex with those girls you're flirting with? Give me a break!
     
    #50 joeyconnick, Aug 28, 2007
  11. zumbo

    zumbo
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    a little out of topic:

    No, I still never had sex with a girl nor a boy and this fact sets the equation. I j/oed with a cousin twice but this was the worst sexual thing I did in my entire life.
     
    #51 zumbo, Aug 28, 2007
  12. joeyconnick

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    *sigh*

    My point, and I did have one, was that you say he's just into guys because he likes the thrill/charge of flirting with them and having them respond. Then you used your flirting with women as an example of something similar, that even though you're gay, you will still flirt with women and lead them on because you like the power that gives you. But, unlike him, you're not actually following up "the chase" with sex with the people you are leading on through flirting. So while you're not doing anything more than flirting with those who are incongruent based on your stated sexual orientation, he IS, which makes what he's doing distinctly different from what you're doing, and I was trying to point that out. Your example of your flirting is totally irrelevant to his situation, because you're not following through the thrill of getting people to respond to your flirting with sex. He's going a lot farther with guys than simply flirting.

    I didn't realise it was that subtle a point that it needed to actually be spelled out. :bang:
     
    #52 joeyconnick, Aug 28, 2007
  13. surfrboykai

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    there's two things goin on here....

    1) you seem to think that because someone is gay, they have to be all queeny. that's not the case dude. people don't think i'm gay unless i say i am.

    2) you need to go with yer feelings. do you think you care about guys on a level above sexually? or are you the type of guy who can only fool around with dudes, and don't want a relationship with a guy?


    my advice is this...go with yer heart brah. let it lead you. don't worry about what people think about you diggin dudes. you can be gay and masculine; you don't have to be a queen. i wish people would understand that. i also wish people would understand that it doesn't matter if someone's gay, straight, or bi. sexuality only comes into play in one place: the bedroom. outside of the bedroom, one's sexuality has nothing to do with who they are. yer sexuality should not define you. yet, there are people who do, which i think is totally sad
     
    #53 surfrboykai, Aug 28, 2007
  14. zumbo

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    Joey, I'm sorry for the seemingly shallow comparison. I just want to offer him another perspective which is ego-tripping through different ways like flirting, having sex, or whatsoever.

    IDK, maybe you're ego-tripping guys like the seemingly straight gay guy you met before treated you.

    Considering your sexual orientation, I am not sure since sexuality is fluid. Being honest to oneself is the only way I know to realize that. Good luck.
     
    #54 zumbo, Aug 28, 2007
  15. surfrboykai

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    i forgot to add something...i really don't belive in homo-, hetero-, or bisexuality. i believe in sexuality. we, as a species, are sexual. i believe if you fall for someone of the opposite sex, go for it. if you fall for someone of the same sex, go for it. same goes for lust, but that's just my opinion
     
    #55 surfrboykai, Aug 28, 2007
  16. hideinyourshel

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    I agree with Kai's last comment - don't let a fear of your sexuality stop you from expressing your feelings.
     
    #56 hideinyourshel, Aug 29, 2007
  17. IDKWhattodo

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    Well.. it's been a while since I have been on here. I guess I have been through a lot since I was last on here. I have hooked up with a girl.. well a couple girls. I haven't hooked up with a guy again. I still think about the two guys from the summer all the time though. I recently defriended them both from Facebook... lame, I know. The first guy, who is gay, doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't talk to him anymore either, though. I saw him at the library, and it was really weird. He smiled at me, and I just kinda nodded and said whats up. It probably seemed like I was being a dick, but I just was caught off guard. He really took me for a ride in the crazy mobile this summer, and he kinda hurt me a lot too.

    The other guy, the "straight" guy who is a varsity athlete for my college. Welll... that situation is fucked up. He texts me randomly, and I'll text him randomly. I haven't seen him since I last posted on here. You'd think I would because my college isn't huge. It's pretty big but not that big. Anyway, I think I am just kinda a person he texts when he is drunk or something. I don't always respond to his texts, and he doesn't always respond to mine. I think he is just really busy with school and practice and shit. I don't really know.

    I have tried to figure out what I should do. I just don't know if I'm gay or bi or straight or what. I fantasize about guys all the time, but I can't see myself being completely gay. I am still really attracted to girls. It's just that all the relationship possibilities I think about are with guys... straight guys. I think it is just a fetish or something. I am starting to think that everyone I meet is gay or bicurious. It is such a weird feeling. I think it is because I think that if I have these thoughts then tons of other dudes must.

    I just started a new class, and there is this dude in there that I think is pretty damn good looking. He was really friendly with me, too. I kinda want to pursue it just to see if he is into dudes or whatever. And about the ego tripping thing that someone mentioned.. I think you're right. It is a confidence thing. It is kinda like me thinking that I am just THAT attractive that girls and even straight guys wanna go for me.

    Too bad I'm emotionally fucked up once they start showing interest. Any comments?
     
    #57 IDKWhattodo, Oct 20, 2007
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