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They don't know

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by americandollposse, May 26, 2007.

  1. americandollposse

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    Hi everyone. I am 35 and have known for a long time that I am gay. That's not the problem, though. I am actually relieved to finally realize why I have always been so unhappy, trying to be straight when I am not. The problem is, that I am married. Not just married, but married to an emotionally abusive man. If he found out that I am gay, he would go nuts. So, I am forced to keep this inside for my own safety, and that is what is killing me. I would leave him in a heartbeat and never look back, but he had completely cut me off from all sources of emotional or financial support. I sit here every day and pretend. It's hard enough being in a bad marriage, but it is torture being in a straight marriage when you know that is not you. I have no friends and no way of making friends, so when I found this site, I thought maybe I might be able to make some friends. I am really scared and lonely. Now that I know I am gay, I am so anxious to live my life as the "real" me and not this "pretend" me.
     
  2. Miaplacidus

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    First of all, welcome to Empty Closets.

    I wish I could help you more - but being 19, I am simply too young. I would suggest you to try to find someone in your area through the Internet, if there isn't another option. In the meantime, I am sure that, like me, all the members would be glad to talk to you if you need that.

    There is always a way to make friends, even if it's through the Internet. You have to be careful, but we are not all monsters, nor perverts. I have never found anyone who caused me any harm on Empty Closets, for example.

    Anyway, I wish you the best. Of course, you're always welcome to contact me.
     
  3. zeremonie

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    I just want to give you a hug! Welcome to EC - I hope you meet some folks here to talk with because it sounds like you've got SO much to deal with.

    I think that eventually you're going to have to find a way out of that relationship. It sounds like ending it will be very very hard, to say the least. I live in a city pretty far away from my family (I'm 2 states north of them) and if I were in your shoes I'd feel pretty lost. I'd start looking at any kind of local resources you might have through non-profits and I'd seriously start considering that maybe I should move far away and close to siblings whom I very close to. ??

    I wish I could be more of a help! I'm an ordinary straight-girl and don't have the same issues as you, but I enjoy being here and I'm glad to listen. (*hug*) (*hug*)

    Edit: I like Tori Amos too. :wink:
     
  4. radgal

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    Welcome. If you want to talk I'll listen. You are in a tough spot. But some how you'll get through it.
     
  5. Double Dubya

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    I don’t know where you are, but is there any way to get help through the courts like an order of protection or restraining order against him? There are special organizations for battered women that help to let people in your situation get a fresh start.

    “Crisis intervention is a necessary step to breaking the cycle of violence and victimization. Advocates provide emotional support and services to victims of physical, sexual, verbal and emotional abuse through the following services: 24-hour crisis intervention; peer support group; community education; and information and referrals for food, clothing, furniture, medical care, educational training, financial assistance and social services.”

    US-National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
    UK-0808 200 0247
    Australia - CONFIDENTIAL HELPLINE 1800 200 526

    Be sure that you clear your internet history so that your husband doesn’t learn that you found EC

    Best wishes, I hope you stay safe(*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)
    WW
     
  6. blake21

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    hi and welcome to ec
     
  7. Steam Giant

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    Hello there! Welcome to EC! First of all: (*hug*)

    Second ^^ I agree with Double Dubya, you should definately clear out your cache so he doesn't see that you've been here. If you don't know how how to do that, go to this thread.

    I'm really sorry to hear that you're so alone, and in such a horrible situation...if it's any consolation to you, this forum is a great way to meet new people, perhaps some going through the same thing you are. I didn't have a whole lot of people to talk with either when I found this site, so for me, my visits here did much to ease my troubles. I hope it will be the same for you ^^

    I can't speak for everyone here, but I'm sure that if you really wanted to talk with someone, nobody would have a problem if you sent them a private message. Everyone here is very kind and supportive, and we'd be happy to, in the very least, provide you with a shoulder to cry on ^^
     
  8. Phantomblade

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    Welcom to EC

    and let me say you need to get out of the relationship as soon as possible. but you need a place to stay and be safe from your husband so that you can start to rebuild your life.
    good luck we all are here to help you.
     
  9. Jim1454

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    Hi there. Welcome to EC. I'm glad you found us here - because it really is a great site.

    I'm 36, male, and just recently coming to terms with being gay. Fortunately for me, my wife has been incredibly supportive. While we've separated, she is willing to do anything at all for me, and there is certainly no issue in my being with my children.

    You didn't say whether or not you have kids... because that certainly makes it more difficult to 'cut and run' so to speak.

    But it does sound like you need to figure out how to make a change. While I'm not sure any of us can physically help, we can provide a sounding board for you, and provide some of the emotional support that you've been missing. You can always chat with me as well directly if you want.

    Take care.
     
  10. charlie12

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    Hi and Welcome to EC!
     
  11. SadConfusedBandGeek

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    I second that!:slight_smile: GOod luck...i am hoping for you! (*hug*)
     
  12. thommthomm

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    Hi and Welcome to EC

    I will listen if you need to talk. Is there a way you can talk to someone at work you trust, even if you don't want them to know you're gay. You need to get out of that destructive relationship. Is there a way you can go to a church or hospital in your area that may be able to get you the help you need.

    No one deserves to be in that kind of situation, gay or straight. You are not alone help will come. Please keep in touch and let us know that you are safe.
     
  13. americandollposse

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    Hi, Thanks everyone for the support. It feels really great to get so many positive responses. Just having the support makes me feel stronger. I have looked up shelter and such on the internet. I got the numbers but have not called yet. It is really scary. I don't know how that works yet. Part of me feels that I should just concentrate on getting out of this relationship and try not to think about being gay, but I am also really excited to finally have discovered this part of myself. I now know why I have never been happy in a relationship and why I have always been so depressed. Several of you mentioned the dangers of using the computer, but I do always clean out my history and such. I also only use this site when he is gone or late at night when he is asleep. You know, my 16 year old daugher (from another marriage, she lives with her dad) came out to me last year. She has shown so much courage and really inspired me to try to be true to myself. I just want to build a life where I can be myself and give her a haven that she can also be herself. My husband knows that she is gay and he is always making horrible comments. I want to stand up to him, but I am so scared of him it is hard. Anyway, thanks guys. I think I have found a really great site. It is hard, you google anthing about being gay, most of what you get is porn. But this is just a really honest open site for all kinds of people. I love it.
     
  14. TriBi

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    Hi:smilewave

    My apologies - I'm late chiming in, but it seems like you have already found that EC is a warm and supportive place.

    Hope you find some useful friendship and advice here. :slight_smile:
     
  15. Kimi

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    Hello and welcome to empty closets(*hug*) (*hug*)
    I am so glad that you found this site and so everyone else:thumbsup:
    You know where to go when you need advices or supports!!

    Hopefully, you'll get out of the situation soon...
    I'm wishing you the best of luck(*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  16. jayden

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    from me also from jayden:slight_smile:
     
  17. aussie paul

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    Hi and welcome. I too am married, although, unlike you my wife is supportive and loving. And we have no kids. Having read the posts and your further info, my gut feeling is to say, (hard as it may be) --- better to just walk away. Perhaps find a shelter together with your daughter, then after several months or so, you may be in an emotional and financial situation to move on to something more permanent. I'm frightened that if you 'stand up to him' he may well bash you, so safer to walk away.

    From my perspective, going on what i've read, marriage is not for you. take the support from your daughter and work together on this, that's may advice.
    Also, i've found professional counselling is very helpful. I was lucky to have free counselling via a hospital based sexual health clinic.

    Sure, it's tough. Despite the support and acceptance I have I am still locked into a 'hetro ' based marriage and life style. So my public life is very hetro whilst my private life is gay or Bi.

    Paul.