Coming Out Stories 1 & 2

These are coming out stories of mine that I wrote years ago... I thought I would put them here for those that are interested in reading about others experiences, I believe I wrote the first one (Storey 1) at 19, then the next one revisted again in between 20-21 (Storey 2) which I think may be a little more detailed...

My life is alot different these days to what it was like way back then
Cheers
Jeremy


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COMING OUT STOREY 2
==================

To begin with I want to tell you, when I recall first being so
attracted to african/african american men. I believe it started before my sex drive had started kicking.

When I was 14 years old, I met an acquaintance of my sisters, he was
african and good looking, he was 21 years old and gay too !

My sister said some bad remarks about gay men when he wasn't around,
not that she didn't like him, but that she thought it was wrong and that
made me feel really uncomfortable.

I fell for that guy with the little time I spent with him, I had never
seen a man that had such a good heart that felt the same way that was so
goodlooking to me, he was a real gem !

I could never bring myself to saying anything, I wanted too, but there
was too much hurt and confusion inside and I didn't have a way to do
anything about it, even though inside my heart I was aching so badly.

I was still going to private school, when I met this guy and ended up making him a little red light that looked like a false alarm from the electronics labs, that I made myself

He was the nicest guy I met, but he wasn't a friend of my sisters for
long, she moved out and I never saw him again, but I tell you I had a crush
on this guy and I just couldn't bring myself to saying anything.

You know, when I grew up, I grew up in a very religious family, I had
the same sought of troubles people have, I was excelling in alot of ways,
but because there was alot of trouble at home, we were always moving
around, I was going to different schools and it was always hard to establish
decent friends around... although that changed after I left private school.

From a very young age I had a good idea, but all the time, I thought it
was some phase that I was going to grow up out of... By the time I hit high
school, for the first 2 years, I was going to a private boys school
here called Wesley College.

I had not trouble about being with girls or anything, cause really
there weren't any around, It was a Uniting Church of England school so every
Sunday we would go to Chapel and the Cane is still used there !

One thing that bothered me at private school, was the fact that most of
the other kids boarding with me, were from the country and had very rich
parents and materially had what they wanted. On the other hand, I had not much, because my mum was spending all her savings on my education (approx $15,000 AUSD per year)


By the middle of year 9, I had told my mum I was feeling out of place
and I wanted to know how much money she had in the bank... I know this sounds kinda disrespectful, but I had thought it out and I wanted to make a
plan.

She told me she had only $50,000 AUSD in the bank left and I knew by
the end of my education, she would have nothing, so I decided that I wanted to leave college and have her put it on a house for security...

Not long afterwards I was selected to go for a camp, seen by the
community as the Leaders of the future, 5 students from 9 different schools for a personal leadership camp, run by the army and community.

That was the last time I got to spend with some friends of mine from my
school, it was hard to leave, since when I started I was a little
rebellious, by the time I left, I had established how business minded I
was and if I set my mind to anything, I could learn it and get fantastic
marks, and I got to try so many different sports, it was a great whilst it
lasted.

After college, I moved into the house my mum bought in Beldon.

I started going to a school here called Belridge Senior High School, at
the time the girls were very friendly to me, I ended up meeting a girl
called Danielle (whom lived right around the corner)she was very nice and I
ended up dating with her. (At a later time I found out by a vietnamese friend
Le (female) whom came out not long after I did as lesbian, that most girls
in the school were chasing after me and I didn't even know it.)

We started dating, even going to church together, I really cared for
her and I was praying hard every day that these heterosexual feelings that I
had would actually come out of me, but I found that I would have to drink
and get really wasted to actually sleep with her.

My brother Kirk(the gay one, great artist, I will send you pictures of
Barbara strietsand and Lucille Ball that he has done, remind me if I
forget), knew that I wanted to move out and let me move into his place
pretty cheap.

One day when we were living there, Danielle comes home with 3 black
kiwi guys that had no place to live... I had a weakness already and I don't
like seeing people on the streets, so I told them they could stay with me in
the lounge, even though I only had a 1 bedroom unit.

One of the guys looked attractive to me, the other 2 were just really
nice... Dee half kiwi, half samoan, Gary, kiwi, Danny, kiwi, One-on,
kiwi, Davey, kiwi and the girls they were seeing, were not long after also
sleeping in my unit, I must admit, it was alot of fun... there were
others too, but I just can't recall all their names it was so long ago

At first it was only the 3 guys, but then family came with it, and
people and friends that were young, saw my place as a safe haven to go and be themself, which in an indirect way I liked.

Most nights, Mariah Carey, or Boys II Men, they would sing and I would
fall asleep to it... they were good friends... and they stuck by me...
although some other whiteguys didn't get the same respect, they nick named me Paki Bear (Paki meaning "white")

When I first met some of them I experienced what it felt like to have
some of them give me hassles for being white, it did not hinder me and they
could see I was hurt by it and after a short while, I had alot of respect,
more than I had ever realised. It also helped me to understand what it is
like and how it makes you feel.

Spending time with these guys and having such good friendships with
them, falling for a couple of them along the way, even though keeping my
feelings fully restrained, knowing they were straight, because their friendship
I valued way too much to even bring those emotions into it.

Now yes, the whole time I was seeing Danielle, and it seemed to me that
even though I was with her, some other emotions inside were getting alot
stronger.

Before long, I moved out of the unit, things had gotten out of control,
everyone left.

Danielle moved back home and so did I, this was 1 year into the
relationship, my sister offered me to go to Sydney, so I thought, what
the heck, why not... so I sold my Nintendo, the games and anything else of
value and got whatever money I could to stay in Sydney with her and her
boyfriends mum...

When the day came, I had the money, my sister was shocked, she thought
I was only joking... I was that upset that she would think I wouldn't come
through with something I said I would, that I jumped on the plane anyway....

When I got to the airport... we said our goodbye's... and I had to find
a place to stay (with hardly any money at all) and I said I didn't want
to stay in Kings Cross as I had heard it was a bad place to stay... so
they turned me to Newtown, of which I found a really nice backpackers to
stay at.

In Sydney was when I experienced my first gay experience. To start with
I met this gay guy whom the whole time he thought that I was straight, he
took me to a gay pub, we played pool... I went into the city and roamed
around a bit... went with this girl (backpacker whom was swedish) to Kings Cross whom took me to a girly bar and she was getting off on the women in there (By the way I am 16 at this time, I really should have been 18 to get in there *grin*) . I was turned off by the girls walking past saying "Do you
want to come upstairs ?" LOL....

Well one day when I was sitting across from 7eleven and I saw this kiwi
guy walk past, I looked at him, he looked back, then walked up to this sex
shop, walked back down a couple of minutes later then came and sat down next to me.

This was quite an experience, he said hi, and I said hi and we started
talking... and we talked for awhile, before he asked me to come to his
place for a chat... eagerly, I said yes.

When I got there, he offered me a drink and we talked for couple of
hours, we ended up in his bedroom, watching a movie... sitting there, I was
getting excited, trying to control myself... and before I knew it, his hand had
moved over to my crotch... and from there... well you know what
happened...

I thought he was really nice, but he had a son, didn't live with his
wife and he was very str8 acting, he owned an Antenna business and I went
out with him a couple of times to help him and he paid me really well... I
liked him alot, he took me to a Northern secluded beach in Sydney and we
layed there naked and made love to each other... (no not all the way like
that, I thought it was disgusting at that age)

After that and seeing each other a little more, he said he couldn't see
me anymore, because it wasn't right... so I thought, fair enough and just
let it go...

Not too long after that, I got a call from Danielle... she told me that
she had a miscarriage to me and that my best friend had been cracking on to
her and not leaving her alone and that really upset me, I automatically
cause I cared so much for her, decided it was time to go home (this all happend in the space of around a month), just before I left, I talked to the gay guy that had been a good friend to me. I said to him that I was gay (the
first friend I told that I was gay), he told me I should have said something
earlier, and that this couple at a gay bar in Newtown said I was and he
had defended me

I told him also that I had an attraction to black guys, and he told me
he knew a black & white couple that lived down the road that had been
together for 20 years... and you know that really made me think, wow, my dream can come true, cause in Perth, nobody I knew was gay and I really didn't know what was achievable, I didn't talk to anyone about being gay for 6 months after that, and that thought stayed and was cherished in my mind for the whole time.

When I got home, it was not long until I found Barry (my ex-bestfriend)
and Danielle was with me. I walked up to him very upset and asked him if he
had been hassling her out, he admitted to it and I automatically lost my
temper, I told him to get off his bike and within 20 seconds he was on the
floor and hurting. Karma got me back straight away, before long I was running for it with 3 guys chasing me with a baseball bat... One guy caught me as I
came to a trap as I ran through a building, and knocked me once, and tried
again a few times, but I had turned around and blocked them by then and he ran off real quick....

Well after that, Danielle and I found a friend to move in with, so we
moved in with him. We used to enjoy going to an underage club here back then called "Elevations". They had a dance party there late one night and
when I was walking home I found that drug called "Ecstasy" and I had never had it before, but had heard all these great things about it, so I thought why
not give this a try...

Well that afternoon, I had half and I was all of a sudden a bucket full
of emotions, there was a fullmoon outside and I couldn't hide it anymore,
it made me Tell Danielle my sexuality.

She was in shock at first, but she didn't want to leave me and still
wanted to be by my side for life, at first I thought I could handle this, but
I realised that I couldn't give her what she deserved. Luckily these
days, she met a friend afterwards of which I knew that she is still with today And I am very happy for her.

After that I moved back home again, I had been looking in the paper,
saw an advert in the paper 22, black, masculine... so I decided to respond to
the advert.... at the same time I had found a friend to move in with.

The next day, I was sitting in a game place in the city called, Orbit,
a guy that I had known from around town whom was a good friend of mine, named Shawn, I had always given him not so nice looks or I had not talked
much, because of the fact he intimidated me by how nice looking he was,
walked up to me when I was having a game of Street Fighter and asked me to go for a walk with him.

I immediately knew what was going on, I had expressed to him I wanted
to finish my game first and my heart was running at 10,000 miles an
hour... We went for a walk, jumped in his car and went for a drive when he asked me if he knew what was going on and I had replied yes.

We talked for a month, we were both very scared of our sexuality and it
was really hard... One night, after I had moved in... We were sitting there
with Christie and another girl named Rebecca, I went to the bottle shop (no
the girls had no idea what was going on) and bought a bottle of Kahlua... I
had my drink, Anthony didn't want to have one, and so did the girls.

Not long after the girls decided to go out... and they decided I could
have their drinks... I ended up polishing the whole bottle, sat down next to
anthony and slumped on his shoulder...

We then got really close, seeing each other all the time, I played a
bit of basketball with him in my spare time... but he was so uncomfortable
about his sexuality and so was I ... one because of god, he was a strong
believer in Muslim beliefs... and because of community acceptance, I always felt quite guilty all the time, much like he did, we ended up stop seeing
each other and I tried to turned to Church and started to try and make
myself straight again, hoping this time that god would help. At the same time
he had started doing the same, I told him I had turned straight... I
believed I was going to make that happen... he in return called me not long after telling me he had turned himself straight...

I was so scared of going to hell for my sexuality.

I had been hearing comments from the church that I had learned in 3
months what they had learned in 20 years.

After becoming as close to god as possible, one day in church, after
breaking down... I had an experience of where somehow god touched my
soul and an overwhelming feeling came over me... nobody had come over to
pray for me or anything like that, the church was not pentecostal, it was a very values church, no bad music, no makeup.... if you know what I mean...
But that one experience gave me the security that god is so real !

After trying so long and so hard, looking through scriptures, I never
found any places saying that it was wrong for two men to share life with one
another, and that nobody should withhold love, but what I did hear was
some religions interpreting words to make it sound that way.

I started becoming comfortable inside that god had a place for me and
that I won't be restricted from heaven because I have an attraction that I
cannot change and that I deserve as much grace as any other human on this
planet and no more.

After this is when I was hanging around the city with all the "In
People" if you like to say it that way... and nobody knew my sexuality... I had a crush on a friend that came close to me, Glen Miller, I remember one time
when he stayed over my unit with another few friends and he would end up
sleeping in the same bed.

One time I woke up and our heads were connected, another time, I woke
up with my hand on his butt (no I did not consciously do it) (how lucky I
even got to do that !)

I just never really knew whether there was anything there or not, his
friendship was too important to me for me to ever-overstep the line.
Nowa days he has a little girl with his girlfriend

At this time when I got my own place, I confided in a girl named Amy
whom had become close, as I felt, I told her I had a crush on him, and I
told her to please keep it quiet as I didn't want to lose my friendship with him
or other friends.

Well she decided that her popularity was more important and told
everybody I knew, I thought I was doomed with all the homophobic comments that I had heard in the past from them, but my good friends shunned her, she
didn't come into the city for awhile, but this best friend of mine (Glen),
took it ok, but being one of the boys, he couldn't hang around me without
people thinking something strange was going on.

My friends that I knew and were around all the time, had told me
various things, lotsa girls came out to me as having tried or being bi-sexual,
a few gay guys and some straight guys told me that they had thought gay men were stuffed and when they found out about me and I was still the same and not the stereotypical queeny guy they thought gay men would be, most
accepted it very well, those that didn't, weren't close to me anyway and my friends would stick up for me if I wasn't there to do so.

So from there on... I had decided that it was time to tell my family...
Most of them took it well, some didn't at first, but now its fine with
everyone (apart from my mums boyfriend, whom still is nice to me but doesn't
like it).

I actually cheated a bit, I had told my brother Kirk, I was, then I
wasn't, then I was, then I wasn't, then I was for sure ! My sister Natalie,
told my other sister simone. When it came to telling my mum, my sister
Natalie whom had said she was really happy for me, offered to tell mum, so I
jumped in the shower quickly and once again my heart was pumping 10,000 miles an hour wondering what mum was going to say... she was pretty cool with it... she has though since then tried a couple of times to get me together with girls, thinking I may sway straight again, but she now knows and is fully supportive of that, and I still get the favourite status in the
family, why ? because I have been there.. when she has needed me.

My rebellion in my sexuality caused me to have problems socially in the
past with some people and also with my schooling... I went back to try and
do year 10, three times, its not like I failed, I just started and within
a few weeks or 1 term I would leave, feeling like I was being taught a bunch
of things that had nothing to do with what I wanted to do with my life.

The best thing I did was start business college which was funded by the
government for unemployed youth, of which I got 9 distinction pass's
and I represented the school for non-generic occupations for men to 2 groups
of 20 students, that were only like 1 year or so younger than me and I was
advising them on what careers they could look forward to out of
attending Business College. Since then I have done further studies and plan to do more.

It took awhile for me to get to where I am today, ComingOut took alot
longer than I thought it would. I must say that at this moment, there is no
way I could get any more comfortable being gay. The only difference between me and a heterosexual man that I can see is that, I like men not women. The only thing I hate to see is that other people see it so differently.

I also view comingout in a different manner, I don't believe what
people do behind closed doors has to do with your outer lifestyle or should be
anyone else's business unless you choose to tell them so. I think whats
important is feeling secure inside your own heart that being gay is ok. My
friends accepted it long before I could.

But thats what you get for having no support growing up, feeling like
your all alone and a larger part of the human race thinking that its wrong,
than when it comes to the crunch, I think people should be allowed to love
each other freely, with the same rights.

One thing I have noticed is people saying its a "choice" of lifestyle.
I never believed it was, I grew up with these feelings when I was young,
and they matured when I was a teenager just like everyone else...

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COMING OUT STOREY 1
==================

I came out when I was 17 infact not by choice. I thought that I
wouldn't come out until who knows !! I told a friend of mine whom I thought
could trust. She went and told every single person that I knew and tried to
make me sound bad. She also told everyone that I had a crush on one of my
close friends as well, he is half aboriginal and half chinese it actually
makes him very similar to black americans in looks. Although I am not
attracted to them usually (aboriginal guys) some that are mixed are georgous and there ain't many gay ones at all. He took it very well and he didn't think
any different of me. Well I was and still am a very popular boy (that is in
Western Australia where I am from) and all of my friends accepted it
pretty good. They did before I had dealt with it myself !!

Anyway I told my family since I really knew that if I didn't say
something one day my friends would, I was scared to say something but I did and they are very cool with it. My mum at first was a little shocked, but she
said she had a feeling and she is really cool about it. My sister Natalie
(age 30) told me that she was very happy for me. My sister Simone (24)
blamed it at first on my mum but is really accepting now. My brother Steve(39) is kewl about it. My brother Kirk (38) is gay but he is much more discreet and seems to always have a boyfriend....

After about 6 months of everyone knowing I went out for the first time
clubbing.

I had a hard time dealing with my sexuality... I grew up in a fairly
small city (Perth Western Australia approx 1,000,000 pop.) When I was growing up you would never hear that gay people even existed around the world. All I could see was hetrosexual family units & no lifestyle or support in
anyway for feelings that I had naturally inside.

I was with a girl for a year before I really understood that I would be
attracted to the same sex for the rest of my life. I was still with her
six months later as she didn't care and just wanted to be with me, but I
had to end it as I knew I couldn't give her what she deserved. After 12 months when I was 16 I went to Sydney for a short holiday. I stayed in budget accomodation at a backpackers and made friends with this nice gay guy.

I didn't tell him that I was gay though until the last day I was there. I
told him that I had a major attraction to black guys.... He told me that he
knew of a couple Black & White that stayed together for 20 years or so. That
made me even more eager as I didn't know at the time what was possible to
achieve. I didn't talk to anybody about my sexuality for awhile so those
last words "20 yrs together" went through my mind often & I got used to
thinking of how nice it would be to share my life together with one special
person.

My Experience is enough to know that I would be happy to spend the rest
of my life with a black guy. I have naturally been attracted to them ever
since I can remember. There are no particular reasons why, I love everything
about them. I have alot of nice guys here giving me as much attention as I
want.

It is nice for the attention but still it makes me frustrated to think
that I would be able to get attention off of what I am attracted too if I
was in the states but its also possible to find what I am looking for in
Australia too I am sure. I really like african american guys, I only want to be
with one man, but still I would like to be surrounded by all sorts of guys.
I also like the way americans hold there pride too !

I don't want a man who feels that he can't tell me how he feels, I want
to marry in my life (not necessarily formal either) and to one man and be
with him only. I am very straight forward and I am not feminine. I don't
like drugs (I have tried them and don't like them) I don't mind socially
drinking and I like to keep fit.

Whether it be that a man comes here and taxes me or if I have to wait
till I have the money I don't mind. In fact I really don't care where I live
if I am with my man, I can adapt just as long as he is happy.

My music interests are pretty variable, I have a thing for dance music,
funky music and smooth tunes but I don't like heavy metal.

Oh and one thing I wanted to add, was to say that even after coming
out, it still took me awhile to really accept in myself that I was really gay
and proud of it, its easier for some and not so easy for others depending
on how you have grown up and your surrounding family.


I want to send out a warm hug to those whom may be just coming out, as
I know its not easy but its worth breaking those unwanted chains. And in
the long run you will be so thankful that you did.

I hope this is informative enough for you.... I am glad to tell you
these things, all in all, I am hoping that it can spare some releif to some
people knowing that other people go through similar things as ignorance
cause's problems. I hope you like my character. Please feel free to ask
anything else by emailing me