Hi everyone, Well, I know I'm at least Bi. I can say that. Now I've told about 4 friends from school, and about 10 people from outside know. My group from school (about 12 people, half boys half girls) has recently been going through a lot of issues, and I trust most of these guys with my life, hence why I feel so guilty about only telling a few of my orientation. I'm thinking about announcing it on Sunday night to about 8 people, including some of my guy friends who I'm afraid will be very weird about it. I don't want to lose these friends, but I feel it's my duty to tell them. Recently I had an experience that is making me think I may be gay. Before the incident (I will explain soon), I found my ex very hot, along with a lot of other girls. Now, they just don't do anything for me. I've noticed I've been doing a lot more gayish things, although I believe these are simply stereotypical things- eg. taking care of my body, hair, scent, etc. Anyway, the incident was I met a really really cool guy a few weeks ago, and I ended up spending the night with him this week. I went down on him, something which I normally save for the special people. Hell, it took 1.5 years for me to go down on my last ex gf. So now I'm confused, because I'm not sure if I've got feelings for this guy (I don't wanna talk about it with him because I don't wanna appear to be an obsessive stalker), I'm not sure if I'm gay, and I feel I should come out to all my friends but I don't want my best guy friends to act weird. Another reason I'm not sure about coming out to so many people, is that I'm a bit of a 'jock', so a lot of my friends from my other groups are very anti-gay. If they found out I'd never live it down, I'd lose a lot of friendships, and a few of the friends in my group I'm thinking of telling have a reputation for gossiping. Maybe if I approach them and make sure they know how important it is for them not to tell anyone, they'll keep it secret. So yeah, I need your collective advice people. Should I tell my friends? Do you think I might be gay? (Yes I know it's hard to tell from one thing, but I'd just like some opinions). Thanks guys, Fox
Hey hey Fox, Basically it seems like you have two separate issues to deal with, so I'll deal with them individually. Try not to approach them both at the same time - it's sometimes easier to break situations down. Coming out to your friends While sorting out your sexuality will make coming out easier/more clear, I don't believe its entirely necessary. A lot of people come out as bisexual initially, before realising that they're gay. The important thing to remember is that you're telling them that you like boys. If later on you discover you're gay, then so be it. Actually telling your friends will be interesting. You mentioned that you've already told some friends individually and that went well. There are pros and cons with telling people in groups. Pros - People's reactions are usually swayed be the groups reaction. A more accepting group is likely to cause the individual to be more open and accepting. -You get a whole lot of people crossed off your list at once Cons -People might be reluctant to show their true feelings about your sexuality around everyone else. They may seem fine with it at the time but really were just trying to hide their disapproval in front of everyone else. -Stage fright. But of course its a personal choice. Having people who already know and support you in the group will be a plus, as it will sway the overall reaction positively. Having jock friends can certainly make it difficult, but you would be surprised about what "fronts" jock guys tend to put on when it comes to sexuality. They'll insult gays, refer to things as "queer" and generally be anti-gay acting. However, sometimes (dare I say a lot of the time?) they act that way because somewhere along the lines they've been told that's how they *should* act, whether they believe it or not. Granted, its not a guarantee they'll react well, but keep in mind there's no guarantee they'll react bad either . As much as I hate the line...."Well if they are true friends they'll accept you for who you are" - it does hold some ground. Ask yourself - how often do you see these guys? What's the worst you can see them reacting? What would life be like if they knew? How much easier would things be? And remember that they're your friends for a reason. Your sexuality Its frustrating right? Just when you think you've figured out who you are, -bam- another change occurs. To me, this really sounds like you have strong feelings for a guy (dare I say love?). For most people, when you love someone its like no one else in the world matters (in that sexual way). From the situation it sounds like your feelings for a guy are just causing you to be monogamous - forgetting about other males and female alike. I could very much be wrong. Really, only you can know your sexuality. You mentioned that you don't want to talk about your feelings for the guy with him because you don't want to be seen as an "obsessive stalker." Well if feelings and emotions are classified as "stalking" then somethings just plain wrong I think it's crucial that you two talk. If you still don't agree look at it this way - If you don't talk about it he might just assume you don't like him and move on. If you do talk about it, the worst that can happen is that his feelings aren't the same, and then he moves on. Atleast if you talk about it you can understand what he feels and won't be asking the "what could have been" questions. Hopefully that helps a bit - its quite a lot you've got on your plate. If you need more help, to vent or the situation develops further you know what to do Dave
Ohh that's some good advice! I'm seriously thinking about telling one of my 'groups' Sunday, but from what you said about how the group will react as a group, maybe I should approach the rest in groups of two. As for my Jock friends, they regularly bag gay groups and such. One is a dangerous boy, he attacked a gay guy with a pool cue because the gay guy looked at him strangely. This boy I don't really want to be friends with anymore. One of my best friends that's been around me for years and years, and has been there for me to rant to without receiving a smartass comment back, is a tad anti gay too. If he found out, I'd be devastated. One of my ex friends said to me once that if he found out I ever turned queer, he would hunt me down and bash me. I have no doubt I could handle myself if he tried, but I just don't like violent situations. This guy is very closely linked with some of my best friends who may tell my secret. It's all a meddled puzzle, and I need an automatic...puzzle.....unmeddling........machine. If anyone knows if these exist, please send me in that direction. Fox
Yes, as a matter of fact I do have an automatic puzzle unmeddling machine, and for just an extra $7.99 it can arrive in time for the holidays! But seriously, Dave made some really good points regarding the pros and cons of telling people in a group. My only suggestion is that you might want to take each person aside, whom you've just told, after a little while, and ask them if they are actually fine with it. This would allow each person to get over the initial shock and figure out how they actually feel, and then tell you honestly, without being swayed by the group's opinion. Also you should definitely approach your friends who are known for being gossips and make clear just how important it is to you that this remains a secret. I have a friend like that, and so now out of the three people I actually told, about 10 people now know...that I know of. But luckily she told people who I either was going to eventually tell or don't really care if they actually do know...as far as I know :dry:. And good luck with this!! :icon_bigg
That's what I'm concerned about, one of my friends is one of those people, very much so. Ah well, I guess I'll find out on Sunday. Now I just gotta sort out my sexuality! (!)
hey, man, i hear ya. I am going through the same world wind of confussion. I hope you figure it out. i too am a "jock", i was all state in soccer, and full rides, and shit like that, and now i feel myself almost avoiding my friends so that i dont say anything. Any way, thanks for sharing.
I understand your confusion, all i can say from my experiences is that you just have to try and be who you want to be. It is very confusing I to was straight (well not really) for years and only when i got married did it really dawn on me that maybe it wasnt really for me. Cutting long story short a year after separation i had the same sort of experience with a guy and that really confirmed to me what i thought all along in that i prefer men. This is a very confusing time but I think you just have to work through it, it will pass and on the other side it is much much better. I feel like myself for the first time in 34 years so, hang on in there and importantly on do what you want to, do not force yourself down any routes that you are not comfortable with. Re the Jock thing, I am a very active runner and everyone i have told in the running club have been brilliant you may find that it is all ok. Those people that have a problem with you are just weirded out a little but they will come around if they are your friends. Wish you all the best of luck in this very weird time. (*hug*)
