Ok, it's been a while since I had a real conversation with Popboy... and that's my fault... I'm too obsessed with college... Anyway, this is not about him (although he pops in my thought every now and then..., and since I'm not thinking this, he might come up once or twice) I'm not editing this, so... that's why it might sound stupid or without connection, but trust me, somehow in my twisted mind all these thoughts are connected. Ok, I am gay. I'm looking for someone I can love, but that can also love me back in the same way. Putting those two truths together, I realize that my chances are very slim... I don't know THAT many gay men, and I don't get along with most of them.... or at least I know I couldn't bare having a relationship with most of them. The only guy I've met that I could actually say that I love him, that we are so... meant to be, is straight... and that's a sort of... obstacle that I can't or won't remove. The guy I have a crush on is 15 y.o., and my friends called me pervert tonight... well, one of them did anyway. He's supposed to be straight, although he gives me some signals that I can't ignore. Tonight I attended to a friend's class, and it was quite interesting... we had a great time at a 'japanese' restaurant. I have to write a paper on mormon religion for tomorrow, and still haven't even done the research. I created a profile in a personal ad site, and I started to contact some people... one of them had pictures, and was quite good looking, he wasn't smart enough to realize that i CAN have a MSN address that is @yahoo.com and my profile explicitly says I'm looking for people that CAN think... XD On the other hand I realized I'm much more superficial than I'd expect. I justify myslef by telling me that if there is no real sexual atraction, then how would it be different from a friendship... Then again, even WITH the sexual atraction, how is a relationship different from a friendship?. Most of my friends are male, and I have small crushes on some of them, but on some of them I do not... so... Meeting people over internet can be so dissappointing... people are never what they seem when you are talking through a computer... Not even popboy was what I expected, or what I sensed from our conversations through messenger, and I don't reckon I was what he expected of me either. So how can I put so much energy in actually meeting someone, if there would be no sexual atraction? plus, how can I put that energy in meeting someone that in most cases I won't even want to date. I am desperate, true, I feel the need of having a relationship is bigger and stronger every day... but am I so desperate to do something stupid? to rush into something that will end up hurting me? be it emotionally or even physically? am I so desperate I'm willing to traumatize a little kid for life by nearly stalking him? amd i so desperate that I'm willing to risk so much, for the slim chance that he'll like me back? only to realize later that he's not what I expected, and eventually 'get bored of him'. He's not the brightest star of the night, do I like him only because he's hot? because there is some chemical reaction that he triggers in me that other people don't? On a lighter note, I'm listening for the gazillionth time to 'Heaven' by Bryan Adams... why is it that I always get hung up to one song and listen to it over and over and over?. it the same with don't speak, hotel california, californication, soul to squeeze, vivo per lei, the wall(ok, that was the complete album), comfortably numb, dark chest of wonders, until it sleeps, for whom the bell tools, affirmation, truly madly deeply, the lover after me, crash and burn, my love will go on, all my loving, lucy in the sky with diamonds, across the unvierse, imagine, and so many others I can't remember now. Oh, just ignore me...
I have also noticed in myself that I am (or at least normally am) shallow. It really bothered me for a while. Then i realized that i knew absolutely no gay kids whatsoever, and it's not like i'd be following up with anyone, so it didnt really matter for the time being. I feel like i'm not as shalow anymore. More and more i just think that as long as i can get a boyfriend that smells good, I can be happy the rest of my life. Also, I never really connected at all with the "normal" gay stereotype at all. well, i didnt connect with anything except for the fact that i'm gay. There was actually a article in the october 10th issue of TIME magazine about gay youth which related to this. A very strange article, but only because it shows so many views of being a gay youth. One of the specifics that it covered is the new group of people that do not consider themselves gay. They are just guys who like guys. Interesting viewpoint, but i guess i'd rather consider myself gay.
I think most everybody is shallow to varying degrees. I notice that when I go to online personal or friend networking sites, the medium lends itself well to me acting shallow. My modus operandi (click on pictures of cute guys) is driven by a listing boiling each person down to an (often unrealistic) picture, age, sexuality and location which are all very superficial. I know a lot of people who feel they never fit the stereotype, which sorta makes sence since it is, well, a stereotype. Stereotypes tend to be very one dimensional while people are almost always far more complex. Even the guys I know who are more stereotypical are still individuals. I read the Time article too. Personally, I feel like a lot of those kids are exhibiting internalized homophobia by saying they're not gay. This idea that being gay pegs you to a particular way of living or to a certain set of politics or a certain dress code is hogwash. In my book, being primarily attracted emotionally and physically to other men is all you need to be gay, which in turn implies the definition of gay as inclusive and broad. Moreover, stating that one is self-sex attracted but not gay implies that there is something inherently wrong with being gay, which equals internalized homophobia. Part of the coming out experience for every gay person is learning to live as an out gay person on one's own terms. In fact, all adults need to make similar decisions about all components of their lives on a regular basis.
This thread would be interesting enough for me to post even if my nickname wasn't mentioned a few times ;-) My dear friend, I think we owe each other a chat about our mutual expectations before THE meeting... I know I wasn't the kind of person you expected, believe me, I know. I have this feeling I'm a kind-of-better version of myself over chat. Weird. Maybe you agree. It is a strange coincidence... this morning I was talking about the gay chat 'universe' with a guy I knew through IRC (I'm still an IRC newbie so I had to talk about that!), and he told me that he prefers meeting the 'counterpart' after a few chats in order to prevent himself from making a preconception about the 'other one'. Sounds like a good advice. Then he added that I was about to cross that 'line' and that we should meet -the idea sounds OK since he's supposedly just looking for friends, so I put off the plan for a week, hoping to chat with him a couple of times more meanwhile. In fact I don't care about putting my energy into meeting this guy with whom I'm almost sure no relationship is possible -he's dating someone and besides, all hints points to the fact that I am not ready for any kind of relationship by now. Considering my 'universe' is rather small I just feel it healthy to talk and meet new -and interesting- gay people. At this point of my life where routine makes everything so predictable, meeting new people just for the fun of it looks like a great prospect. You have no idea where it might lead you. You know I'm not talking about casual sex -that's not in my plans. I realize I'm really far from the average IRC gay guy stereotype, who is mainly looking for casual sex (or 'express sex', as they call it here). I understand your life is completely different from mine... though the point to consider is that maybe you shouldn't be looking for a relationship only... broaden your horizon... this is just my common sense talking. As love is a chemical reaction in your brain (both SG and you agree on that!), it's not voluntary after all... And reciprocal love, sexual attraction, and many other connected emotions are quite a mistery even for people in stable relationships. I know, I'm making an informal survey About your crush, I always screw up everything with my remarks, so I prefer not to talk about him today XD PS: it took me a lot of time to write this post and it still sounds a little confusing and off-topic... well, the topic is random thoughts after all!
