Ok. So I told her. But it came out slightly wrong. I.. We had a fun day. Went shopping for art supplies first. I get an sms telling me sis just ruined my 15+ hour long download (at around 3hours to go) cos she reset the pc, AS usual, without even looking at the fskcing desk [i left a note]. Appology. **blunt anger** Anyway. We drive back to her place. After lunch and dawdling on the net, she drags me away from the pc. So we paint. Watercolours. Or rather. I paint. She simply doodles, and ends up making another of her adorable/cute little drawings, plus a small w'colour of her own. Later, when I'm about to leave, I FINALLY remember *why* I wanted this little trip... >.< I motion her to the left side of my car. She opens the door. I tell her to get in. >.< I tell her that I want to confess the whole point of this 'shenanigan'. "I'm bi." She says "Really?" I nod. The first thing she asked, as I watched her anxiously. "And you're into ****?" [our friend, her bf] "Noooooo!! EWWWWWWWW! Noooo!" Her: "Well, he's kinda girlish. Sometimes." "Nooooo!! That's gross! It's like siblings. I know you guys too well." She kaks up laughing. Appologising prefusedly. Turns over, with tears in her eyes, [not just from laughing I think] and gives me a big hug. And tells me she is fine with it. [all the time, we're having giggling fits, me from infection, at the same time, I anxiously watch her] And that she's glad she's trusted [by me], to be told this. She explains *why* she laughed. How she imagined us in some soap, [dramatic stuffs]. It kinda threw me off. I told her how I'm not ready to tell the others yet, because some of them seem somewhat, 'phobic'. She reckons "They'd probably be ok with it." Me - not so sure. After I mentioned how I don't plan on telling the parental units, she suggested I read a 'book' of hers, with a quiz on 'this stuff'. After a bit of talking, she said she'd be quite happy for me to stay for dinner. I told her I wanted to get home and have a really warm shower. She said she wouldn't tell anyone, and even reckons she might forget a bit, due to the stress from uni, lately. I said goodbye. She stayed by the gate, while I reversed off the driveway. I drove home. Feeling odd. All in all. I don't feel. Exposed. But I also don't know if it was such a 'release'. I guess I have to hang with her a bit more. I don't know. What *am* I feeling.... Why can't I see myself. I also wonder about saying 'I'm bi", rather than "I think I'm bi." There's a difference there... Did I rush into this?... Am I doing my "Rush™"...
Well, congradulations on telling someone! It was a big step and things will work out in the end. Concerning your friend, just wait and see how she reacts around you. About your concerns about not being really sure.. I have no good advice for that. Only you know your own feelings. However, when I came out as gay, there was a moment when I doubted myself all over again. I just decieded to take it a day and at a time, and eventually things became clearer. Now, I'm out and happy for the most part. Just hang in there.
I'll try... I'm actually sorta... Anxious about meeting her. Online.. you've got the barrier. But... In person. >.<
Well, I talked to her again tonight. Online. We're. Normal. >.< Nothing's changed. She *was* sincere when she told me she was fine with it. It'll probably take some adjusting to, then again: I've been suppressed so long that - only rarely do I feel the need to comment on passing males, etc. For some reason, even though I *could* be seen by someone I know, I feel invigorated enough to browse Borders' gay magazine section. [about time I gave in...]
try using wget for downloads if you are using linux, it has a great -c option. If you are not using linux, there are many programs that can help you with the download. Congrats on telling her btw.
The Final Hurdle Ok. On Thursday, I was meeting my best boy-friend and our other friend, for a movie. I had told 'L' that I might come out to them. She said they'd be ok. "Since you're telling the two - they might try to hide any 'negative' reactions.' "Ok, so I'll tell them each separately." "Do it in the theatre. Then, just as you finish - 'Oh, look - the movie's starting.' Then they can think on it during the movie." "Good one, L... XD RUIN their movie experience... Nah, ONLY if there wasn't anyone in the nearby rows..." SO I got to the city, and almost forgot about it. Completely. Sat around the parklands, reading, and *attempting* to sketch... About three and a half-ish hours into the ordeal - me going out of my mind with boredom, 'C' calls and tells me he'll be there in ten to fifteen minutes. By this time, I've COMPLETELY forgotten what I wanted to tell him. He arrives in about ten, and we head to the city for food - I'm dying... XD We, that is, I eat, and we walk back to Southbank, cos, he's in 'need' of Green Spaces, y'know - grass. We sit around, and he gets me sketching different views of his face, giving me minute periods to draw. I start to get anxious - I've remembered. I ask him if he's got any gay people at work - y'know - how he deals with them. I tell him how, the one dude that I know for sure is gay, I'm (still, though I didn't say that), on eggshells, to not offend, to make sure I'm nice. He mentions that it's the same with coloured people. You don't *care* if they're black/ whatever. But, you automatically do NOT want to act any different, which in turn causes you to. Trying hard to seem casual, and wondering whether you're being obvious. After a little more talk. "C, I had to tell you something..." "I..." **jaw not working** I start to stutter and stammer for about half a minute straight. "Just say it..." "I think I'm bi..." He's calm. I'm feeling... Vulnerable. "What? It's not like - 'We can't be friends anymore..."!!" **relief** We start walking towards the theatre. "What's wrong?..." "Im just trying to see... If there's anything you've ever done/said, that would bring this into context..." "That's cos, I've spent my life working on hiding..." He appologised, and said he didn't want to 'see me in a different way'. I told him - hey, I took that risk and crossed into the line of fire when I decided to and told him. He then mentioned his best friend in high school - like 'L' was mine, since we went to different secondary schools. How he was gay - yet, C only found out *AFTER* we finished school. "Nice... You must be thinking about the irony. Two best friends. Same secret..." We talked about this. About how I can't deal with my parents. How I'll never tell them because, I want to give them one last 'illusion'... Then 'J' rings, he's only down the street. "How do I tell him. It's like L mentioned - if you're together, he/you might've tried to hide reactions." "Ok, how 'bout I go to the toilet, and leave you two alone." "Ok..." He comes, and we just casually finish talking about it. At the theatre, just as we've gotten the tickets, C disappears. I take a minute to realise what he's done... **stand in front of 'Narnia' cardboard display** "J..." **stammering/etc..** "Should I be worried?? Is this gonna be bad?" He steps back... "Oh, it depends..." "Just say it." "I think I'm bi..." **group rushes past and I instinctively lower my voice** "What?" "I think I'm bi..." Pause. He's not doing a big stepbackwards... "What? Oh. 'I'm SORRY, P, we CAN"T be friends anymore..." **fake turnaround** "That's what C said..." "I'm fine with it. Do what you want. Just - there won't be anymore offers to hug you, other than that - we're cool." I think - we can hug, you bastard - I'm not gonna get hard thinking about FRIENDS...-_- I hold my tongue... I'm still... I dunno. If anything - I feel like I did after I told L. Uneasy. Like... Those times, when I've just gotten over an adrenaline rush - and body buzzes with 'dying swarm'... Or floating in calm/nearing cold pool... Just... There... Kinda like that. But also... Yesterday I was in a VERY good mood, yet I didn't know why. I've decided. I have to tell sis.... I love her so much and - C'est la vie. If she accidentally outs me in a rage, I'll just take my crap and move out - depending on how parents react. If not - we're cool, and I finally have no secrets from her..Literally... To finally be completely open to her... It's my final obstacle. Well, I've got three other friends. But - this was my 'network'... If they're cool - I can use them for support. [ps: ok, the tangents in this one were MUCH less than in the original, but still - Sorry!!!]
YAY! congrats! If I remembered the bbc code for the dancing banana I'd put one, but I'm too lazy to go to the full reply page... xD Anyway, It's great that your friends took it so well
Here's one from me: (!) And one from Goratrix since he's so lazy : (!) I'm so happy for you It's awesome when people just accept it! Dave
Excellent - well done! I'm really pleased they accepted it with no problems. (!) Please let us know how it goes with your sister, and also how things go with everyone you've told over the next few weeks. PS - Goratrix it's ( ! ) but without the spaces.
Thank you. Everyone. Thank you so much for supporting me. I'm still feeling a bit.. I dunno. Disconnected: Last night I told sis. I decided - 'Get it OVER with - she's your SISTER....' So, in the convo, I mention how talking to 'J' at the theatre, I replied: "What? Like you pashed my sister right next to me?" Sis is like: "Whaat? - what made you say that?" "Do you really wanna know the full story??" She sits down. I freeze, just like I did with L and C. "What did you say about me?!" "Nothing.. This isn't about you." I quote: "HellOOOO?! I a little 'ME' time?!" [summer, The O.C] "Well, get on with it..." **starts HEAVILY stammering** "Y'know - blood runs thicker than water... It's HARD..." "Just do it..." I told her. And I smiled, somehow, embarassedly, but I ploughed on. "You're my sister, and if I can't trust you..." "Who else knows?" She's disappointed a bit. "I've *had* my inklings about you..." "I'd have expected you to *know*... with so much information..." Basically, we talked for OVER an hour. I poured my heart and soul out to her. About EVERYTHING. Even my breakdowns over the last 10 years. She quietly listened and took it in like my darling sis always does... I love her so much. I'm just glad I finally spit it out. And you know the feeling of 'liberation'?? Well - I finally got it. It just could only come from *her*... I guess because she's family... In the end? We talked so much, [well, I did], that I never told her how: Me:"You're not... embarassed/uneasy?" J: "Well - just don't pash any guys in front of me..." Me: **scathingly** "What? Like you pashed my SISTER in front of me?" C: "Oooh, Patty, that was... Blunt. XD" Me: "Sorry... I've been waiting for a moment/the right moment to say it..." J: "Yeah, you've been waiting for MONTHS to say it..." Me: "Uh... Yeah!" I think I'm floating right now. I don't have to hide anymore. Not from the people that MOST mean to me - well, 'cept Gran - but, I think I'll spare her the 'agony'. Y'know - It won't be such a baad sacrifice to not tell her. I know she loves me, and hell - I even think she might already know. She's had at least *two* 'encounters' with me - to put two and two together... But, yeah... I'm just... Floating... >.< PS: Patty => It's my nickname, [after it took me like, 7 years of accepting 'nicknames', I allowed people to call me that.] My real name's Patrick. I just feel I can say it now, because... I'm pretty much... :biggrin: Free...
glad it went ok for u, my next step is talkin to my sisters to i think, hope it goes as well as yours
