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Feeling like a family member doesn’t believe i’m a lesbian..

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by xfemmelesbian, Mar 18, 2023.

  1. xfemmelesbian

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    Hey everyone,

    I just wanted to vent and possibly get some advice. I have been fully out to everybody as a lesbian for a few years now and I am now getting the feeling my Mum doesn’t believe me anymore because I present myself in a very feminine way. She doesn’t have an issue with LGBTQ+ people in the slightest but I get the feeling of her not believing me after an incident that occurred yesterday when I was texting a male friend and I didn’t want to tell her what I was talking to him about because it was about his health (I didn’t mention that). When I wouldn’t tell her she said “ooo you’re getting defensive and must have something to hide then” and grinned. I have a girlfriend who I am very serious with… people may think my mum was just playing which she could’ve been but that wasn’t the vibe I got. I genuinely feel like she doesn’t believe me anymore because of how I dress and present myself by wearing make-up, styling my hair and wearing jewellery/other stuff. I believe this because before I came out I was recovering from a psych hospital admission because recurring mental health issues and although I was dressing in a feminine way and wearing a bit of make-up, I didn’t care as much about how I looked because I wasn’t well and my Mum said “oh I already knew because of how you present yourself” and now I am dressing how I want to and feeling better about myself it feels as if she just thinks I made the whole thing up or was just going through a phase which is not true in the slightest. I love my girlfriend and have never been interested in men romantically or sexually in my life and never will be. I can’t speak to her about this because she will probably get angry but it has really hurt me. I already get random people not believing i’m a lesbian and now I feel like my mum doesn’t either. I shouldn’t have to feel this way, it’s not fair. It took me years to finally accept myself. I am scared she is talking about it to family members and it devastates me. There is no one way for a lesbian to look and it isn’t fair to stereotype us and invalidate femme’s or any other type of lesbian (not that there has to be a type- if I was to choose a type of lesbian to relate to, it would be femme). I am so hurt.
     
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  2. BiGemini87

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    I'm so sorry she acted this way. First of all, as an adult, you absolutely do not have to share your text history with her--who you talk to is your business, and if you choose not to share it with her, she ought to respect your boundaries without jumping to wild conclusions. It's completely healthy and normal to have friends of either sex, yet there are so many people who still hold the view that men and women can't be friends; it's such a typical, heterosexual attitude to hold, but even if no other orientation existed, it's still silly. It sounds to me like she's one of these individuals that doesn't see how men and women can be platonic, and assumes any kind of secrecy to be of a romantic nature.

    I can't tell you what to do regarding this situation--only that I myself wouldn't remain silent on it, especially if it crops up again. Is your mom the type to get defensive even if you calmly explain why you didn't appreciate her nosiness? Or do you think she'll listen to what you have to say? I get the impression the former, but if it's possible to get through to her, it's worth considering--for both your peace of mind and for the sake of your relationship with her.
     
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  3. Wanderlost

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    It is absurd when you consider that most women in general, most hetero women for sure, wear makeup and dress "feminine" less than 50% of the time. Some only bother with it when they have a night out. So I hear you and sympathize with you. The only thing I can offer is that you try to be patient and allow time to be the evidence she can't argue with. Mothers can be extra, so maybe just don't worry about it and let it roll off your backside. Choose your battles sorta thing. If you must address it with her maybe do it in a way that isn't aggressive but more passive like simply clarifying for her the nature of your relationship with the guy. I doubt "none of your business" will help change her disbelief.
     
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  4. Lo The Froggo

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    im so sorry that you get the feeling that she doesn't believe you. I would just leave the subject alone or calmly explain to her how appearance and expression don't mean anything expect for appearance and expression. Assumptions should not have been made, but once she understands if you happen to do this, you should allow for her to explain whether or not she did assume such things.
     
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  5. xfemmelesbian

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    Thank you for your reply!

    You are completely right that I don’t have to share my text history with her. She seems to have boundary issues with a lot of things. I have many friends of both sexes and so does she. I do not assume anything when she is talking to her female friends nor her male friends. I’m not sure if she has friends of any other gender identities. I think she just has issues seeing my friendships with males as platonic because she isn’t like it with anybody else.

    I don’t think I can speak to her about it because she doesn’t take it well when I tell her she has upset me so I just gave up with that. She gets very defensive and turns it around so she is the victim. I have been seeking validation about it from other people but I need it from her. We get on mostly but this is really bothering me. I don’t think I can speak to her about it though.
     
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  6. xfemmelesbian

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    Thank you for your reply!

    You are completely correct that it’s absurd and in saying that even a lot of hetero women don’t dress up all the time. People don’t usually assume their sexuality or try and label them. I am just really trying but I don’t even think I should have to prove myself but I feel as if I need to. I have been seeking validation from other people about it which is ridiculous but I need it from her. Yes they can be very extra! I let most things slide but this is difficult for me to ignore and I am thinking about it a lot. I want to speak to her but I know it will end in an argument.
     
  7. xfemmelesbian

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    Thanks for your reply!

    I really want to have a chat with her about it because it’s really bothering me but I know it wouldn’t go well. I am just at a loss.
     
    #7 xfemmelesbian, Mar 19, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2023
  8. Wanderlost

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    I think there is a proper term for this reaction you get from her when you challenge or tell her that she offended or upset you. But my memory is pretty bad with stuff I read. It's like a form of immature parenting, but there is maybe more to it. Heterosexuals are used to seeking validating from others through achievement and actions. The don't grasp that a queer person may need at least some validation of who they are separate from their skills, gifts, achievements. There is a wide canyon of misunderstanding between you. you want to make that go away, she seems fine with keeping it there between you. Not because she doesn't love you, but because she doesn't see it as an important issue, and since she's the mom, well you're just immature about it. I'm sorry for that, and on some level I get it. Have you also considered that even though she is accepting of you and you're orientation, that she is struggling with it as well? She knows your life will be harder, no parent wants that for their kids.
     
  9. chicodeoro

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    I think you've got an absolute right to be irked by this, Loz. It's overstepping a boundary for one and you're right it does suggest that your mum perhaps still sees (and maybe hopes?) that your sexuality is just a 'phase'.

    And yes, it's about time that everyone accepted that gay women can dress however we f***ing well like! We don't need to conform to anybody's stereotypes or cliches.

    Sounds like you and your girlfriend need to find your own place, where you can be away from prying parental eyes...

    Beth x
     
  10. xfemmelesbian

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    I’m not sure but I think I know what you are talking about. I completely agree with everything you are saying, I don’t think she sees it as important and she probably doesn’t even realise how upset I am about it. I spoke to my brother about it last night and he was very supportive about it. I was wondering that myself but although I do get homophobic treatment occasionally it’s actually much easier being able to be myself rather than a lie doomed to being unhappy for the rest of my life.
     
  11. xfemmelesbian

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    Thank you Beth! I completely agree that it’s overstepping a boundary. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does think it’s a phase but I don’t think she hopes it is, she is very accepting and has always been very supportive other than this incident.

    You are completely right that gay women (or anyone for that matter!) should be able to dress however they please and not have to conform to stereotypes. It’s 2023!

    We want to move into our own flat as soon as possible but we need to save up first. Thank you for your comment x
     
  12. BiGemini87

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    I can't say this with any absolute certainty, but your mom does seem to have at least a few of the trademarks of narcissistic personality disorder. Having dealt with my share of people with NPD, I can't help but get that impression from her turning things around and playing the victim in any given situation/confrontation. I'm not saying she has it 100%, but that she's definitely got certain aspects of it--which can make it incredibly difficult when you're otherwise trying to reason or compromise with her on anything. The sad part is, a lot of this really boils down to generational trauma, and it usually manifests in people who are in denial that that's what they went through. For example, certain generations of parents weren't fussed at all about infringing on their child's privacy, because as they saw it, "they live in my house, so they live by my rules".

    I can only guess as to where your mom's lack of boundaries and respecting them stems from, but I'm betting it's something along those lines.

    I'm sorry you can't talk to her without it devolving into further arguing, though. I hope this is something that you'll be able to overcome with her in time, and that the other aspects of your relationship are otherwise solid. Maybe once you have a place of your own, the nature of your relationship will shift for the better, and she'll start treating you with more consideration and respect.
     
  13. xfemmelesbian

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    I have wondered if she has NPD too. I have severe BPD myself that I have ended up in psychiatric hospitals multiple times (as well as other mental health issues) for but I am in therapy for now so I am improving. She had a lot of trauma in her childhood and is very insecure which I have been told people with NPD are deep down. She isn’t like it all the time but she can get extremely volatile when she doesn’t get her own way and manipulates the situation to make others feel guilty and will give people the silent treatment. She often competes with me (and others) too. She doesn’t even realise there is a problem. She is not a bad mother by any means and we do get on, I genuinely believe she is just traumatised. She also had an extremely traumatic experience last year too which seemed to exacerbate it. This isn’t an excuse though. She has also been diagnosed with PTSD but does not show narcissistic traits around mental health professionals, it’s just behind closed doors. I love her dearly and will never cut her out of my life, she has been so supportive throughout my mental health struggles and sexuality (up until now and I know she doesn’t have any issue, I just wonder if she may have suppressed feelings of bisexuality because of comments she makes about women about them being pretty. This doesn’t just seem like she is just complimenting them, it seems like possible attraction. Also she has said some whenstuff she was drinking ages ago about herself that she thinks I didn’t hear. I’m not entirely sure though and i’m not going to ask her because it would be her choice to tell people and I may be wrong anyway) I know she loves my dad dearly though and would never ever cheat on him or leave him.

    I hope so, we will see when me and my girlfriend move in together which will hopefully be soon!
     
    #13 xfemmelesbian, Mar 21, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2023
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  14. silverhalo

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    Hey I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I assume your mum knows your girlfriend?

    I can understand why you both want to speak to her about it but also don’t at the same time and that is very hard. Does your brother also have these kind of issues when communicating with her?
     
  15. xfemmelesbian

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    Hey. Yes she does, my girlfriend stays at my house with me 5 days a week or I stay hers. We are planning to move into our own place at some point soon though. She gets on amazingly well with my girlfriend, as do the rest of my family.

    I think he used to before he moved out. She used to think he was gay when he isn’t. He didn’t care though and I wish I could have his attitude about the situation. We both get on well with our mum for the most part though.
     
  16. Wanderlost

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    This information does change the narrative quite a lot. I've read books on both of these mental disorders and both can be life altering and socially debilitating since they strongly effect how the sufferer treats and interacts with others close to them. In addition to the other things you mentioned, it sounds like these relationships can be a minefield if not handled with love and understanding.

    This could be key, and an evolution in your relationship with your mom that is overdue. You feel she imposes, she feels at liberty to do so. Not just as your mom, which all moms tend to do anyway, but also because you're living with her. These lines of propriety and privacy are often neglected in close, continued proximity. You will always be the daughter, she is always be the mom, sometimes a distancing is needed to create unwritten boundaries and a sense of equality. It does sound like you two are friends as well on some level. I mean, you have spoken of a mutual respect you have towards each other as well. So it's good that it's not toxic, which happens far to often.
     
    #16 Wanderlost, Mar 21, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2023
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  17. xfemmelesbian

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    RESOLVED: I spoke to my mum today and I said I felt somebody like somebody in my life didn’t believe I am a lesbian because of how I look and the fact I have a lot of male friends. I think there is a possibility she may have guessed I was talking about her because she hugged me and said sorry that somebody made her feel that way and she 100% believes i’m a lesbian and love my girlfriend; she also said she knows that appearance doesn’t define sexuality. So thank you all for your advice and hopefully she understands now!
     
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  18. Wanderlost

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    I'm so glad it worked out for you! That was pretty clever how you approached it with her.
     
    #18 Wanderlost, Mar 23, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2023
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  19. xfemmelesbian

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    Thank you! Your advice was much appreciated.
     
  20. Wanderlost

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    OMG you responded before I could edit my response. haha. It sounds like the best advice is the person who told you to confront her about it. I think my advice was pretty clueless.
     
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