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How can I help..

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by B1lat3ral, Mar 15, 2023.

  1. B1lat3ral

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    I want to help my kid who came out at couple years back. I see struggles ahead and would like to help getting trough it... without me coming out myself.. I know.. but its complicated... just got past mom 6 months ago.. not ready for the kids.. Do I let it be?
     
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  2. mnguy

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    Talk about the Kinsey scale with them, it's all very scientific, it's just numbers like height, everyone has one.
     
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  3. Rayland

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    Just be present and be open. Encourage dialogue and be curious about their life and let them know you are there for them. See signs, if something seems to be wrong.
     
  4. quebec

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    B1lat3ral.....You don't have to come out to someone to be supportive. What @Rayland said is spot on...be there for them. Be available when they need support. Listen to them...especially be sure to let them know that you will listen to them! :old_smile: So many kids don't feel like they can talk to their parents about important things...particularly sensitive topics. If you can let them know that they can talk to you about those kinds of things then you will be the kind of parent that many kids wish they had.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  5. B1lat3ral

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    I know and understand the struggle being experienced as I was going though it my self. Did speak to my wife about my worries, in a subtile way, so that we have a unified of support. Therapist suggested I get in touch with our local LGBT support org specifically geard and see if I can introduce some support with others the same age. David, your pointed out something I didn't think about. Sharing my experience could do more harm than good and just being there can make a difference.
     
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  6. 74andHome

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    I wish you the best. Can’t really offer advice at this point but want you to know I’m hear to support you. I just joined a couple of days ago and am starting the coming out process for myself very late in life. Wasted so many years and I am so sad about that while being so happy, excited and hopeful.
     
  7. mnguy

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    How would talking about your own identity do harm?
     
  8. B1lat3ral

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    I am not fully out, if I can say it that way. Still have not rapped my mind on how to get there.

    For my kid I came up with a solution, dont know if it would work though. Going to find a movie that touches on the issues being experienced, I have some ideas, and will randomly pop it in. Will it work?
     
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  9. Rayland

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    I think this is a very good idea.

    Talking about identity isn't harmful, but to avoid confusion especially if the person don't feel ready coming out to their kid themselves, then it's good to be subtle and it allows you still be supportive parent for your kid. :slight_smile:
     
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  10. Mirko

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    I echo David's and Rayland's suggestions on being open and being their for your child. Creating that all important safe space for them to talk about challenges they might be encountering or fears will go some ways to show you are wanting to help.

    Listening and waiting for them to share things when they feel ready is likely going to build trust.

    Have you had a chance to speak with them, letting them know that you are there for them, and support them?
     
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  11. B1lat3ral

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    I am trying to be there and support in ways I can.. I try to stay in the trend and up to date with what I think they would find important, trying to ask questions where I don't understand and let them come explain to me (although I know the answer) which does create a sense of being more in tune with one another.

    But the notion is true, I can be there.... and do a better job than my dad (well put the effort in I think) .. think being bi does let me relate and understand bit better where its heading too.
     
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  12. Mirko

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    I think you are approaching it in the best way you can, and are putting in the efforts, already. You are doing everything you can to build trust, listen, and be there. You can sympathize and empathize. Try not to let the fear of coming out yourself, get in the way of providing the support you would like to provide, and are in many ways already providing. :slight_smile:
     
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  13. BiGemini87

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    You've already got some excellent advice, but as a parent myself, I figured I'd throw my hat into the ring. Being supportive, making space and time for them to talk to you if/when they need to is absolutely pivotal, I think, in establishing that strong sense of security your kid needs. And you're right: you don't need to come out to let them know you love them and will be there for them, no matter what. The day might come where you can and feel ready to, but in the meantime, just showing them how much you care is huge (even if you don't feel like you're doing enough).

    Engaging with them in topics, watching shows/movies featuring whatever their label, recommending books and music, talking to them about famous celebs that share their experience--all of these things could be ways of expressing your genuine interest and support, and you may even find you bond with them on a more fundamental level as a result.

    Best of luck, and if you wish, please don't hesitate to keep us apprised of how things go. :slight_smile:
     
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  14. Complicated101

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    Don't know how old your kid is but there's a show on Netflix called Heartstopper... Could be useful as it's a school based romcom that has lots of characters at different places on the sexuality spectrum. No awkward sex scenes unlike the other show called Sex Education!
     
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  15. 74andHome

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    As I have read this thread I began wondering about talking to my kids. I actually believe my kids would be very supportive and not be shocked. I already one granddaughter who is gay and sort of out. My daughter - her Mom is quietly supportive but ashamed at the same time, so she doesn’t talk about it. My son wouldn’t be surprised at all. He knows I’ve been uncomfortable being a man. My big fear is how to tell my wife. Wow, that’s huge for me. I like the idea of watching related movies and then discussing feelings about the movie and seeing where that goes…
     
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  16. mnguy

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    What do you wish you knew growing up so you would have been able to understand your sexuality better? What did you need from your parents or others who should have been a positive influence on you becoming the authentic you? Do what your kid needs to be happy and love themself, bc what worked for you might not for them. You can't read their mind so open communication is important. My parents didn't encourage conversation much, it was their way and shut up. I imagine having open convo and getting appropriate response from parents would have made a big difference to our relationship overall. If I knew I could really tell them what I felt about many things while growing up and they would have done something to help and no shaming, I think I'd be so much better, probably would never have looked for EC. You can do it!!
     
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  17. B1lat3ral

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    Thank you everyone for good advice and support. I Will definitely adding the suggestions to my arsenal.

    I think my fear is multilevel and think some of the advice fits in some of the pieces. I know my strugles growing up and Ithink some jere would understand. Our country was always one not accepting those that are different. But things changed for the better, but in certain communities it is slower than other.

    Will I come out to my kids, probably not. Not for not wanting too, but I think that I will rather give them the chance to shine, if I can say it that way.

    Coming out to the wife was a huge step for me, and I want create a open, understand environment for them wherein they can thrive.

    Will have to work on it, and agree, maybe just give it a bit of time.
     
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  18. 74andHome

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    Hey B1lat3ral I hear what you’re saying about the multilevel fear. It’s interesting that I don’t have much fear about telling my kids, but am terrified about telling my wife and my closest male friends. Truth is I’m realizing with clarity that I’m Bi and can’t hide that from the world I live in. I’m warming up the idea that many of my friends will quickly fade away but I will make new friends. My kids will understand. My wife’s kids will sort of understand and one will be okay with HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS. The other will probably drift quickly away. My fear of telling my wife is dreadful. I will manage it but I have to let it sink in tot he point where I’m ready for any response and I’ll be okay with it.
     
  19. B1lat3ral

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    Dreading to tell the wife, know that feeling... feels like the end of the world. The problem is.. just my opinion.. that if you are married for a looooong time you know the ins and outs of that person. You already have a good idea what the reaction will be and you can play it out in your mind.

    The kids though.. is also a tough one for me.. I dont know how they will take it ... but in good time.. baby steps...
     
  20. 74andHome

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    I hear you about baby steps. I’m going to a support group next week and see how that goes. Looking forward to being there and meeting others in the same boat. Be nice to actually talk with others and share experience.