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Being fetishised

Discussion in 'Physical & Sexual Health' started by xfemmelesbian, Mar 8, 2023.

  1. xfemmelesbian

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    Hi everyone,

    I don’t know if anybody else has had their sex life fetishised? (Not necessarily just lesbians) but it happens to me and my girlfriend frequently. Like if we kiss in public or in a bar we will get the odd comment from men either asking for a threesome or if they can ‘watch’. (Usually this is when the person is not sober) or we will be asked who is the top and who is the bottom.. this is fine coming from friends but from random men who are usually older than us, it’s horrible. We are very open people but do not want to discuss our sex life with people who we do not know and it’s not even any of their business.
     
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  2. BocciBee

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    A lot of lesbians I know have had to deal with this, it's such disgusting behaviour!
     
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  3. xfemmelesbian

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    It really is! We have been asked all sorts of personal questions that I didn’t write in this post.
     
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  4. Tightrope

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    If your being fetishized amounts to being objectified, it is gross.

    I can think of a few things that could be considered fetishes and also might not be. Sometimes you have one type of person who is really into another type of person for their race or where they're from or features about them. If their object of desire fetishes them back, it's not much of a problem to me. It's probably more of a type thing.

    The guys hitting on lesbians examples seem to be some of the more ignorant and grating ones so I agree with you.
     
  5. xfemmelesbian

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    I agree with you!

    Yes it is very ignorant and grates on my nerves.
     
  6. danna19

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    Unfortunately, fetishization of sex lives is not uncommon and can happen to people of all genders, sexual orientations and identities. Fetishization refers to the sexualization of a person or group of people based on specific physical or cultural characteristics or behaviors, often without their consent. This can lead to objectification, dehumanization, and the reduction of a person to a sexual object rather than a whole, complex individual with their own desires and agency.

    Some examples of fetishization might include people who are attracted to others solely based on their race, body type, or sexual practices. This can be particularly harmful if the person being fetishized feels uncomfortable, objectified, or reduced to their sexual characteristics or behaviors, rather than being valued for their full humanity.

    It is important to recognize and challenge the harmful impact of fetishization, and to prioritize mutual respect, communication, and consent in all sexual interactions.
     
  7. Wanderlost

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    I have a question about part of this statement. most of us have a type. You include attraction based on race, body type, and sexual practices. Where is the line drawn here between what would be considered normal and fetish? For example, if I were to say that I like a specific race of person because of general things like behaviors, attitudes, outlook, and even visual characteristics, is that being fetishized? Also what about a body type. Many people I have met like certain features more than others, such as height, build, complexion, even fitness level. When does it become wrong to have these types of very common tastes? There are even threads on this site that allow members to discuss such varying tastes.

    I have been treated both respectfully and disrespectfully when I had a girlfriend and I'm not sure many same sex relationships have avoided this completely, even in very lgbtq+ affirming cities and countries like the one I am from. It is almost always men who do this, and yes, I think it is as xfemme says. They are being creeps who want to get a stiffy from their own inappropriate behavior. But I have, on one or two occasions, been asked questions about what it's likes being queer, or having a girlfriend in a respectful way. Like genuine curiosity and a need to better understand things that I suppose some men are just not sure of and don't have any other way to learn the answers. I've been asked if I only like women by men with both bad intentions and good intentions. I usually allow someone to reveal their motives before I react. Sometimes it takes a moment, sometimes it takes a conversation. It is interesting that I have never been asked by a girl if I only like guys. :-/
     
    #7 Wanderlost, Mar 10, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 10, 2023
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  8. chicodeoro

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    I'm sorry you've had to go through this, xfemme. You would have thought this sort of male behaviour would have gone out with the dinosaurs, but so many of us still have to put up with it in 2023..

    One of the reasons I'm trepidatious about dating again is that, as a trans woman, I don't want to be anyone's fetish. I want to be accepted and loved as a woman. End of.

    Beth
     
  9. Tightrope

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    I agree with your post but this stood out. I also ask where that line is.

    A fetish is sort of already there before you see or meet anyone who fulfills it. You can't really steer who or what you're attracted to all that much.

    Fetishes toward Black people and Asian people are mentioned a lot. Who knows why these fetishes exist, and only for certain people? Being attracted to certain groups sexually and then distancing from them would cross the line and be objectification. It's probably just as bad as the guys who repeatedly approach lesbians for a threesome or to convert them. Fewer women seem to approach men to do this as well. I don't know if these are fetishes as much as they are misguided behavior. They also show objectification.

    Back to the topic of race, if a person of those groups that are fetishized takes part in an encounter knowing it probably won't go anywhere, they have consented. Maybe a line hasn't been crossed when it happens this way.
     
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  10. Wanderlost

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    I once crossed paths with a girl who liked me because of our many similarities. This seems normal at first glance, but I began to get disturbed at how far she went in pointing out these similarities and they were the reasons why she was so attracted to me. It wasn't things like sense of humor, or personality, or even so much similar interests, but instead it was the physical similarities we shared, and our education level was the same. This obsession with these things were the reason why she was attracted, rather than just, fortunate coincidences. She even claimed it was "meant to be." I didn't share her enthusiasm at all because I often see differences as preferable to similarities. I'm not sure this is staying on the intended topic, sorry.
     
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  11. xfemmelesbian

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    I agree! It’s terrible.

    I don’t blame you, it’s not nice to be fetishised. I’m sure you’ll find a woman who you love and she loves you (I think you said you’re a lesbian? Sorry if I have got it wrong). She will love you as a woman because you are one.

    By the way, my name is Loz if you want to call me that. I don’t mind either way!
     
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  12. 74andHome

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    Although new to accepting the real truth about myself I would like to share a little my history of shaming others who were different. I grew up in Redneck, Texas, USA. I’m now 74 years old and after retiring realized I couldn’t run away from myself any longer. I’m bi and a total mess. I so badly want to be woman. Bottom line about the shaming fools who say things meant to hurt others. They are sooo afraid of you and me and don’t now how to respond, so they do whatever makes the truth go away. That means they dismiss us - they hope. But we never go away do we…
     
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  13. Ntina21

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    Well, totally understand what you say, and believe me if you live in a conservative society that happens always and within seconds ... :frowning2:
     
  14. xfemmelesbian

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    I’m so sorry this happens to you as well. It’s really horrible!
     
  15. JT1999

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    Torn on this one. While I hate the idea of people being fetishised and it can be very demeaning, if it wasn’t for the male fetish for watching two girls I might very possibly have never had my first kiss with a girl. I bet I’m not the only girl who had their eyes opened by a nightclub attention seeking lesbian kiss, or a spin of the bottle.
     
  16. Violet Rain

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    So sorry this is happening to you. People should mind their own dratted business and leave same sex couples of any gender alone. The men asking the questions are pigs. They should zip their damn lips, turn their eyes away, and stop thinking of lesbian p**n and what goes on in the bedroom (or wherever you prefer to have your adult time) when they see two women in love.

    A lot of the toxic, bigoted, straight and cis men I've met around this area and the internet think that any woman who likes women sexually (bi, lesbian, pan, etc.) is obligated to have a threesome with him and another woman - it's his "right" to have it, whether the women are willing or not. Especially if they're bisexual or pansexual, and those who are polyamorous or polysexual, because it means they will be "more open" to it in his mind. That's part of why I won't come out in this area, due to the amount of men like that. Good grief. Men like that make me feel so filthy. They're gross.