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"Private" vs Public sexuality question

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Searching2022, Jul 2, 2022.

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  1. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    I am beginning to see that..
    I guess that could be possible that my body wants sex and I have said it's 'ok' to want sex with women.
    I can see that -this morning I had another fantasy about giving a guy a blow job.. I had been thinking about what you said and thoughts popped up:
    1. what if this was with someone I really liked?
    2. what if it could happen in real life..
    I started trembling and I can't describe my emotions now -it just feels like a fountain gushing.... they are just ... intense!

    I guess I just never considered that it could happen in IRL.
     
    #41 Searching2022, Jul 15, 2022
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  2. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    I was just thinking.. if some guy asked me "I fantasize about giving blow jobs and receiving anal intercourse, and I really can't fantasize about women, though I think they are pretty'..
    Would I think he was gay?


    I think I am having trouble with the idea that it's a choice I am making or something I did to myself, or it can't be possible because it's not what I want.

    But what if it just is?
    What if I had no baggage or fear and I saw guy from my fantasies IRL?
     
    #42 Searching2022, Jul 15, 2022
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  3. Engdood1

    Engdood1
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    It’s almost the same as you. When I’m at a bar or whatever I look at women and find them attractive and don’t look at men. If I get to take a girl to bed though I struggle to perform and if I’m honest with myself, I don’t really want to have sex with them. I haven’t been with many guys but the three experiences I’ve had were very different.
     
    #43 Engdood1, Jul 15, 2022
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  4. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    How do you explain looking at women and being attracted but not getting aroused in bed?
    What makes you identify gay?

    Good, bad?
     
    #44 Searching2022, Jul 15, 2022
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  5. Engdood1

    Engdood1
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    The experiences with men were good. I was super hard and it was exciting. I guess the reason I think I am gay is that I have not masturbated to anything other than men for 5 or 6 years, maybe more. Also I have used gay imagery to stay hard when having sex with women.
     
    #45 Engdood1, Jul 15, 2022
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  6. PrettyBoyBlue

    PrettyBoyBlue
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    Hi @Searching2022, nice to meet you.

    I don't have have a lot to add... a LOT of good stuff has already been posted. A lot I agree with; A couple tiny things, maybe not so much.

    One topic that I'm not sure was covered was what I guess you could call "societal conditioning." As a young teenager (before I was really self conscious and deep in the closet), I would fantasize about both pretty equally. But when it came to reality, I just couldn't get over this mental block. There was a big disconnect. Every time I thought about men in reality, or guys I knew, all I could think was "Ewwwwwwww." :confounded:

    It only took me a brief, errr, 10 years or so to get over the "ick factor," if you will. And I think it's because of this societal conditioning; Just how we grow up (at least a lot of us.) I didn't know any gay people growing up, I never saw same-sex affection.... anywhere, not even TV until much, much later. I think what you said above sums it up really well:
    Good luck on your journey friend! I'm glad that you're able to feel how exciting it can be :grin:
     
    #46 PrettyBoyBlue, Jul 15, 2022
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  7. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Ok here is what is so confusing, but I finally realized thinking this through.
    Yesterday, I happened to be next to a very attractive woman. I started to get aroused and excited but of course I tried to shift my mine from this because it was not the place (public) to be this way! I don't want to get explicit here but lets just say I wanted my face and hands on a lot of places on her :slight_smile:
    I then realize at home I tended to put the woman I was attracted to on a purity pedestal (I don't want to degrade this goddess/virgin by lusting after her in my mind) -and it seems like the sexual fantasizing (about men) is self degradation and submission - things I do not want in real life.

    I do get this and I get this if I try to force myself to be attracted or think sexual about a woman I am not into as well. But that doesn't change the fact that the seemingly natural attraction to women occurs in public and it seems that I have a mental block at home (see above).

    Ok, i get that, and the imagery to stay hard and I can see how that made you realize you were gay - but when you looked at women in public di you say 'oh she's pretty' - or oh she's pretty and I want to touch her sexually?
     
    #47 Searching2022, Jul 16, 2022
  8. Engdood1

    Engdood1
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    Good question. I like flirting with girls and even kissing them. But when I think about it, the answer is no, I don’t really want to touch them sexually.
     
    #48 Engdood1, Jul 16, 2022
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  9. Joolz66

    Joolz66
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    When I was in denial (which was a long time and I didnt know I was in denial at the time) I would look at women and find them attractive (I still do btw) but I didn't get sexually excited by it, in fact, if I am in a public space I have to admit that I would find it kind of creepy men checking out attractive women and getting sexually excited in that context, ie public, on a train or elsewhere etc. It seems to me there is an element of almost forcing yourself to become sexually excited in that context when you spot an attractive woman and imho to me that suggests you are on the cusp of dealing with your same sex attractions and trying to disprove them by forcing yourself to feel sexually attracted to women. I know for me there is no having to force myself to become sexually excited about a guy I'm attracted to, it just happens natuarlly..and before I admited to myself that I was gay it was the case also that imagining sex with a man was intensely stimulating. Denial is a very difficult thing. Btw I get the "purity/godess thing" I think its called the madonna whore complex, I had the same thing until I realised it was my minds way of tricking me to remain in denial, I would put a woman on a pedastal and not feel sexual attraction but would at the same time be having intense gay fantasies. Just my 2c
     
    #49 Joolz66, Jul 18, 2022
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  10. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Ok, this could be possible but it feels natural

    Yes imaging gay sex is very very intense. In fact now, if I admit it I pretty much can get hard thinking about gay sex and fantasize most of the time this way.

    It could be yes that I am tellling myself I am blocked because of this complex, but in reality, I am not attracted at all.


    Right now, I am home and in 'gay' mode. I feel really intensely that I want to have sex with a man, and the idea of saying to myself that I am gay feels very good, and at this moment, I kind of wish the feeling wouldn't go away, but I know it will when I am outside, and just yesterday, gay seemed like a bad idea.
     
    #50 Searching2022, Jul 23, 2022
  11. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Ok I want to write this down so there is no denying it later.
    I have had a couple of glasses of wine and right now if one of my male fantasies walked into the room and one of the “hot” women I see on the street who would I go with?it isn’t t even a question
    When I really admit to myself I want to give a blow job and have anal intercourse, me receiving way way more than sex with a woman.
    Is it just a fantasy, is it just the wine? I don’t know but that s what I am feeling right now
     
    #51 Searching2022, Jul 23, 2022
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  12. Chip

    Chip
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    It's probably not 'just' a fantasy, nor is it the wine. It's most likely who you are.
     
    #52 Chip, Jul 24, 2022
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  13. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    Me again. No wine....
    Right now, if one of my male fantasies walked into the room and one of the “hot” women I see on the street who would I go with.?
    ....
    No consequences
    No baggage
    ....
    I guess if I am really honest with myself...it's still not even a question...
    I also wrote this....
    I guess that is true too.

    I have been thinking about this, this could describe me possibly.
     
    #53 Searching2022, Jul 30, 2022
  14. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    I have been doing a lot of thinking; I do seem to have a lot of resistance and rationalization to the idea that I am gay, and looking at women and wishing I could be aroused is probably part of that.

    More than anything, when it comes to sex, my main sexual appetite is imagining and desiring my partner's penis either in my mouth or in other places...

    since coming here and finally posting, I have also started imagining romantic things about a sex partner - and its all men... and my interest in women has diminished pretty rapidly.. still I would be dishonest if I said I fully accepted I was gay, as crazy as that sounds after what I just wrote!

    Part of me thinks there must be some other reason.. though reasons are running out....
     
    #54 Searching2022, Aug 6, 2022
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  15. Chip

    Chip
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    This is something that seems to happen to a lot of (formerly hetero-identified) men as they begin to come to terms with their true sexual orientation.

    Nah, not crazy. It's all part of the stages of loss. Classic bargaining.
     
    #55 Chip, Aug 7, 2022
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  16. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    I am starting to realize that although I always looked at women and found them beautiful.... actual sex was kind of a turn off.

    I have moments where I think... "if there were no apprehension or fear how would I feel about fulfilling my sexual, and now romantic, dreams? And I guess it feels pretty good.
     
    #56 Searching2022, Aug 7, 2022
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  17. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    I feel like I am in this in-between world now. I can't deny by sexual feelings, but I can't seem to make the leap.
     
    #57 Searching2022, Aug 7, 2022
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  18. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    It seems to correspond with more intense and frequent gay fantasies.. it feels like a damn bursting...
     
    #58 Searching2022, Aug 7, 2022
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  19. zgaynz

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    You make the leap when you're ready to, on your terms, no one else's. For me, sexuality was a journey that took considerable time, reflection and soul searching, yet for some others, seems to happen instantaneous. We're all different. I'm sure you'll get there eventually, where ever the there is for you.
     
    #59 zgaynz, Aug 7, 2022
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  20. Searching2022

    Searching2022
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    When I read this, my immediate reaction was "I wish I can just get the leap over with" and wishing it was 'instantaneous'. I wasn't wishing it would go away, or to change it. I also realize how much fear comes up at the thought. I don't know why I have so much fear.
     
    #60 Searching2022, Aug 8, 2022
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