Can staying the closet damage your mental/physical health?

Yes. It wasn't the only thing driving my anxiety and depression, but it was a major contributing factor (along with living around religious fundamentalists). Also, within six months of coming out to myself and starting therapy, my blood pressure magically went to stupid high elevated to normal ranges. It was killing me.

I was dissociating a LOOOOT to not notice women. Plus, it's socially stunting to always have to worry if people are gonna figure you out. All of it makes you hyper-vigilant.

Coming out didn't fix everything. But, it at least put me on a positive path. I have a long way to go.

 

Most definitely depression and anxiety. Staying in the closet and the strain of pretending to be straight and being ever vigilant was figuratively and literally breaking my heart.

 

A resounding yes. Of course it can.

 

For me, it does affect my mental health to some extent and I think this stems from taking so long to accept that I was gay in the first place. Had society been accepting of different sexualities when I was growing up then I would've come out when in my early twenties, even though I knew in my teenage years. Instead, my mental health suffered from knowing I was gay but not wanting to be because of what others would say, think and do. I hoped I would grow out of it. That's how I rationalised it and I would tell myself off every time I slipped up.

In the end it was always a losing battle. Nature always wins. That's a good thing as it did give me a resemblance of peace. Society and family had told me that being gay was wrong and I would be unhappy if I went down that path, but I quickly found out that they both were wrong. I love being gay because it feels natural to me.

It's been a few years since I accepted I was gay and I feel better having accepted and embraced it. However the anxiety I had grown up with was simply swapped for the anxiety of not being able to live openly as I was born too, gay. The shining light, which keeps me sane is that I know this is not forever. One day I will be in a position to come out and I will, but until that day, I'll just stand over here ... inside this closet.

 

Hi Albstr. I'm so sorry to hear about your background... I grew up in a somewhat more tolerant situation and it was still rough. I can only imagine what you went through.

I will echo everyone else here and add my own story: Yes, staying closeted can absolutely cause both mental and physical issues. I think a lot of people can readily understand the mental part. I wouldn't have believed the physical part though if I hadn't been through it myself.

I am just about your age, turning 30 next year. Starting when I was 17 I became a very angry, self-loathing homophobe. I was painfully insecure, and always tried to project this whole "tough guy" (ie, straight) image. Tried smoking for a month, hated it. I didn't drink often but I drank hard. If I didn't quit in 2017, I'm sure it would still be causing issues today. I also used to exercise and work out angrily, in really unhealthy ways, often to the point of injury. Honestly, what recently prompted me to come back to Empty Closets was an injury a couple years ago that sidelined me for months. Life was getting so painful mentally and physically that I just had to stop, and finally start making some overdue changes.

I hope my story makes you feel less alone, and I hope you can find all the support you're looking for here.

 

There’s a book named “Undivided” by Vicky Beeching that talks about all this, by the way. Vicky is a lesbian and grew up conservative evangelical and was actually a Christian singer and songwriter professionally. In circles that are suuuuper homophobic. So, she knew coming out would end her career.

In the book she talks about how the stress from being closeted actually caused her to develop autoimmune issues. It forced her out of the closet and into therapy. It might be worth checking out or checking out some interviews and articles from Vicky from when that book was being released. (If that would give you comfort to see someone else’s story)

 

Hi, @Albstr. Firstly, I'm sorry you've had to conceal so much of yourself; it can't have been easy after all these years, especially knowing this aspect of yourself for as long as you have. Secondly, it can absolutely have negative impacts on your psychological health, and oftentimes it follows that it impacts your physical health too--sometimes directly through coping mechanisms, such as smoking and alcohol consumption, and sometimes indirectly because stress can and does affect us physically.

I'm glad you're undergoing therapy, as with the right therapist, you will hopefully reach a place where you can either come out and make peace with whatever follows, or at the very least find some good resources on how to take the next steps towards bettering your mental health.

 

I'm not sure it damaged me, it certainly has changed me though. I lost a lot of my confidence and not sure if I'll ever get it back. I'm more passive and often feel more vulnerable. But that did help me accept myself through exhausting my resistance.

 

Yes felt that way for years plus anger on top of all that.