1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I don't want to carry on

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by lottaotter, Jun 9, 2022.

  1. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Yes I'm an attention-seeker, yes I'd love someone to tell me I actually have a tiny ounce of value, but more than that I'd love to just end it all. I don't even care about it being painless anymore. I'd prefer the most painful, dramatic way out to cause the most inconvenience to the most people as possible. Drinking beach is currently the top option, but jumping off a big building appeals too.

    And no, this post doesn't come with a trigger warning, because life doesn't come with a trigger warning either.
    I don't think I can spend another fucking day in this body with such a horrible ugly face. I have tried so frigging hard over the years to solve my problems and sort myself out but I never neer never get any better. I was fucked over from an early age all I do all goddamn day is have to listent o others banging on about their problmes and expecting me to solve them for them. I'm DONE. I've just cut myself off from my only friends because I can't stand them anymore and I'm sure I am making their lives worse by exisiting. No one would want to be friends with me I'm so ugly. Stupid-shaped head, bald, ginger, gay, horrible uneven, dry skin that i've probably ruined by sunbathing so that people won't tell me I'm too pale. I HATE HAE HATE HATE HATE HATE MYSELF.
    I'm sorry for ruining everyone's day by making this post I'm at my fucking wit's end
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2021
    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    489
    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey listen up: YOU ARE WORTH A LOT, NOT JUST A LITTLE, AND CERTAINLY NOT NOTHING! You sound like you need someone to listen and to care- well, I'm listening and I care. I know I won't be the only one either.

    You aren't seeking attention, you're crying out for help- and given what you wrote you needed to do just that. I understand that headspace you're in, I was there a few nights ago considering retrieving a gun... I'm slowly navigating my way out of that dark place. So you're gay and think you're unattractive. You can't change being gay and that's not a flaw- it's just one thing about you. And same goes for being ginger and having the headshape you do have. As for the dry skin and baldness, there are things you can do to try and fix those. You're worth much more than your characteristics that you percieved as flaws, don't let that take you away from us.

    Personally I think you're smart and kind- and that's from what little interaction we've had on here. Your friends will see much more than just that fragment. If you do what you're contemplating, they'll wonder why you didn't reach out to them for help and wish you had. Everyone needs support sometimes, and usually a good friend is willing to offer just that.

    I have to get ready for work now, but I'll be back to read anything you've said.
     
    #2 TinyWerewolf, Jun 9, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2022
    lottaotter and DragonChaser like this.
  3. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @TinyWerewolf Thank you for your reply I am so sorry you had to read it, especially as you've been helpful with other posts of mine too. I have written a stupid, whiny load of rubbish again in reply and you don't have to read it of course. I'm just so sorry that I'm like this. The bad phases I have seem to be getting darker and more frequent lately.

    I've tried talking to my friends in the past- they can immediately trump whatever I'm facing with something THEY'RE going through that [they think] is soooo much worse and I have to be the one to solve their problems. Wipe their arse for them and kiss them better. Fed up of all that. I spend so much of every day doing little chores here and there that I don't even know how to relax. I am the one other people have to rely on, I cannot share my problems. I've tried multiple therapies and therapists but I'm just not good enough- I haven't improved enough or made myself better enough.

    I am too pathetic and weak to even self-harm properly. I can't even cut my wrists properly and have to do stuff like punching and biting myself and hitting my head against hard objects instead- I'm such a pathetic loser- and so childish.

    I have tried a lot to fix my dry skin. I have a feeling it is stress that causes it, but fuck knows how I'll ever get rid of that while other people exist.

    Ultimate bliss and relaxation for me would be the sweet release of death- I like to lie back and imagine the cold, dark and damp of being dead, or just absolute nothingness and blackness and God it feels good!

    Every day I strive to do well at work and life by trying hard with my appearance, health and routine and trying new things and trying to meet new people, but it's all for nothing. I am still not even half the person that other people are without trying.

    If God exists he must be the cruellest bastard ever. Making me get abused at age 3, giving me parents who were incabale of loving me, who wouldn't even hug me, who told me I was "Too sensitive" whenever I was upset. I have never had a safe space I could crawl into or a safe person I could talk to. No one wanted to know that I was bullied throughout school by a world that hates the way I look. Every second of every day is a struggle that I've run out of energy for after all these years. I ought to be getting better, but I'm getting worse. I had to grow up fast and be the sensible one, always (and still am) ready to pick up the pieces and tidy everyone else up.

    I used to think that everyone would get their comeuppance, and that the childish idiots I have to care for would have to grow up one day and face the same shit I did. But no, they sail through life. Except when they get a tiny little problem society is there ready and waiting to pile on the sympathy and say how wonderful and brave they are.

    Why am I like this? What the hell is wrong with me? What is the answer? What am I doing wrong? Is there any hope for me? Why aren't I getting better? I just want to be with people now but there isn't anyone.
     
    DragonChaser likes this.
  4. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2021
    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    489
    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    You can call me Jack if you like, by the way. :slight_smile:

    First off, don't be sorry for venting and letting out your pain- that's a healthy thing to do. Let's stop that cycle of bottling it up, nearly reach the breaking point, finally let it out and repeat the process. Even if it's just here, start reaching out for support when you need it. Your problems are just as valid as anyone else's (and your friends are being jerks for trying to one up you when you just need someone to listen for once).

    Second, I didn't have to read your post, I chose to. You're not some burden or chore. I want you to remember those last two sentences if nothing else.

    Third of all, you have to give therapy time to see improvement. It's like walking, you take it one step at a time- and one day you look back to see how far you've walked along. Progress is slow, but if you start looking at it like that you'll notice that it's happening. You've had a hard life so far it sounds like, and the people in it have been harsh at times, it takes time to undo the damage they've done.

    There is hope for you, you just have to stick around for it to work out. And in the meantime, there is nothing wrong with you- you're just a man who wants people to love, understand, listen to, and accept him. There's nothing wrong with that.
     
    Rayland, lottaotter and DragonChaser like this.
  5. bsg75apollo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2015
    Messages:
    474
    Likes Received:
    568
    Location:
    Chicagoland
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Even when you are feeling at your lowest, most broken, you are always enough. You aren't weak, you've been strong for much longer than most people should be expected to be. By posting here, it shows that no matter how small it is, there is still a spark of hope that exists in you.
     
  6. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    2,111
    Likes Received:
    1,584
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're not an attention seeker. It's important to let what you are thinking out and not to boil them inside, like Jack said. Talking about your worries does help. It did help me to get more clarity. I'm not fully okay, but my head is more cleared. It's in human nature wanting to be loved, understood and heard.

    In a lot of what you wrote I can relate to you too. Just know, that you are not alone. We are all here for you. Don't be afraid to seek help, when you need to.

    I'm taking it all as a life's journey, that has it's ups and downs and when you can overcome the downs, then you will become stronger. This is where I want to get to. I want to be stronger, so I can show everything that tried to bring me down, what I am made of.

    Sorry, if I can't be too helpful, since I'm struggling too, but wanted to let you know, that you're not alone and that it's good to talk about these things.

    Sending you warm hugs.
     
  7. chicodeoro

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 7, 2020
    Messages:
    849
    Likes Received:
    946
    Location:
    London
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    All but family
    Hey Lottaotter, let it all out. Sometimes we all feel like this - sh*t. And that's absolutely ok.

    Obviously, I disagree with all the negative stuff you've said about yourself. I think you're incredibly brave to have come this far, to have faced up to your sexuality and to have made the strides forward to improving your life. But recovering from your past - and from what you've said there's a lot to deal with - is something that will take time and it's not always a constant upward curve! Sometimes it feels like you have taken two steps backwards or taken a wrong turning down a one way street.

    Two things - we're all here for you on EC. So many of us have been in similar places and have really struggled just like you have, so we understand.

    Also.. the Samaritans. I cannot recommend them enough - when you just want to talk to someone and get it all out and cry. When I was at my lowest ebb, mid-breakdown, almost exactly two years ago, I phoned them and just someone on the other end of the phone listening to me, hearing my story, helped me enormously. They're on 116 123.

    Take care Lottaotter,

    Sending you big big hugs, my friend.

    Beth xx
     
    #7 chicodeoro, Jun 9, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2022
    Rayland, DragonChaser and lottaotter like this.
  8. PrettyBoyBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2015
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    NJ / USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi @lottaotter, I read the update to your other thread today as well. I'm still figuring out the notification system on here, so I might be slow to reply sometimes. It's okay to vent, we're all here not only because we want to be, but because we care about each other, and want each other to heal. I had a couple thoughts that I hope you won't mind me sharing.

    Between what you were saying in your prior thread and here, I really hope that you can work on some of the negative self-feelings. If you don't believe in yourself and your stuff (whatever it is, abilities, talents, looks, etc.), who is? I know it sucks, I know it's a lonely road at first, and I know it sounds corny as hell when I say this, but you gotta start being your own best friend. People can be uncaring quite often; There's no need to make that even harder, by not being in your own corner. And if you're not ready yet, just know that everyone here believes in you, and wants you to feel good about yourself.

    In a related way, you seem to care a lot, I would say too much, about other people. I'm not saying to completely disregard other people, but just to put it in balance. You talked about working on others' troubles more than your own... You had said previously you weren't going to Pride because your roommate wasn't. Why not go anyway?

    I'm not being rude when I say this, but really: please stop apologizing! You have nothing to apologize for! You remind me of myself. I also grew up in a tough home, I've also cared at times far too much about other people, and I also used to apologize too much, and have those negative self-feelings.

    Lastly, if you feel like you're "attention seeking" well... That's also okay!! When you're drowning, when you're down in the water (when you're feeling this bad), you wave your hands and signal for help!

    I really hope that you posting here is a good start to getting more help, however that happens. Whether it's in a different kind of therapy, or having these conversations IRL with the people who are either around you or are important to you.. I hope you can finally get that attention in a healthy way.

    Much love man.. please update us on how you're feeling this week.
     
    #8 PrettyBoyBlue, Jun 10, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2022
  9. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you everyone. I will try to respond individually later after work, but it do appreciate your messages. I am going to have to try therapy again. Fifth time lucky, I hope :/

    I'm tired and hungry at the moment and have to clean the whole house without any help from those I live with, so with that and my double shift at work later I won't have much time to feel anything, good or bad but we'll see.
     
    Rayland and DragonChaser like this.
  10. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you Jack. I don't really feel comfortable using my real name on here, I'm afraid, since I write such a lot of very personal details (as much as I do feel better once I've opened up). It's not the having people find out I'm gay, but them finding out I'm a nutcase :/

    I am getting better at noticing when I am going to go through a bad patch. It starts with panic attacks that don't seem to have a cause. The end point is always feeling utterly hopeless about my appearance. The thing is, I'm just not sure how to stop these from happening. It feels inevitable. I feel bad because I've never answered another person's posts on EC- I've always just made ones myself asking for support, so I don't really know any better coping strategies. I exercise and go outdoors every day and eat a balanced diet. I engage with colleagues at work, even though it's fake laughing and smiling. But those things don't seem to be working for me.

    Thank you. I am always surprised that strangers on here seem to care. I feel like such a bad person in comparison. I feel ashamed that I can't do this all on my own, which up until now I have been, to be honest.

    I am going to look at therapists again next week. I am never sure what to say to them to get them to believe me. I often end up with therapists who just say things along the lines of "Oh you just need to believe in yourself" and send me on my way, without helping me to come up with strategies I can use to actually raise my self-esteem. I will see about an LGBT therapist this time.

    I keep reading this bit over and over again. It is so true- that is exactly what I want and what I am lacking. I feel pretty angry that I haven't had the love, understanding, acceptance and being listened to that others got automatically by being born. My friend asked me today if I was OK and I explained I felt down but she just fobbed me off with something that sounded like it could be a quote people repost on social media and that was that. No "Would you like to talk about it?". No sitting around reading and responding to endless 'woe is me' type messages like I have to do with her. I left the group chat I have with my friend group and all anyone said was "Why has he left, ooh did I miss any drama??". These are people who I've nurtured and looked after and consoled through difficult times. They are starting to feel like a bunch of parasites. I feel bad for saying that too.
     
    Rayland and DragonChaser like this.
  11. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you. What I am struggling with at the moment is that it seems like for all the effort I've put in, and all the money I've coughed up on therapists, I have made so little progress. I am still nowhere near normal.

    I hope you're doing alright. I appreciate your response, and I'm sorry I can't be of much help in return.
     
    Rayland and DragonChaser like this.
  12. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thanks again Beth. I remember one of your other replies to a thread and it made me feel like there ARE kind people out there. I know that sounds horrible and cringey but it's the first thing that came to mind.

    I've spoken to Samaritans twice before and I always feel as though I don't deserve their help. I thought about calling them again the other day when all of this was kicking off (I feel a little bit better today but still recovering from a big meltdown/epsiode/whatever people call the feeling of rock bottom.

    It is nice to be reminded - and when I can think about it logically I agree - that I have definitely been through more shit that anyone should (especially as a child) and that I am maybe right to feel hard-done-by and angry at society and individuals. What I struggle with is truly believing this. I am really lost as to how I would raise my self-esteem and feel like I am worth something.

    Thank you :slight_smile:
     
    Rayland and DragonChaser like this.
  13. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Please don't worry about being slow to reply- I can't judge in that area at all! Venting is something I try to stay away from as I was called a whinger and a moaner when I was little- my parents strongly discourage talking about our feelings and problems. But, it does seem to hep a bit to have a rant. As Jack said above, I am in a pattern of letting it build up to the point it all comes out in one big vent.

    Thank you. It is nice to think there are people even who don't know me who care enough to respond on here to my strange posts. I am really stuck to be honest at how exactly I start to believe in myself. I have started since about two months ago being more 'assertive' and saying no more often. It feels good. I am not really sure what to look for in a therapist who specialises in this kind of thing, or what to say to them to explain it. I completely agree though. A while ago I did a big writing exercise to see if I could find what was the root cause(s) of my problems, and it almost completely boiled down to "I'm not enough". I have listened to the Brené Brown videos and made notes, and while I think I understand, I'm not really sure how to take it forward and practice it. Sorry- I'm not expecting you to have the answers, but I am trying to get it all down in writing instead of in my head.



    Both completely true points. The apologising thing comes from when I was a child and my mom and dad would never accept my apologies after I had done something wrong (I wasn't a badly-behaved child at all - I was too scared to be - but they were very strict). All I wanted was for them to accept my apology and show that they loved me again- that despite making a mistake I was still worthy of their love. But they didn't. It didn't help that my abuser used to tell me that my parents didn't love me. That she'd lock me in the cupboard again and my parents would never find me again, because they didn't want to. Maybe that's too much information to share but I don't know anyone mature enough abround me who would want to hear it, or take me seriously.

    You will be glad to hear I've booked myself a ticket to Pride. It is two months away, so maybe there will be someone I can go with by then (maybe pluck up the courage to ask people from the sports group, although I'm worried since they are really 'experienced' at being gay, and I'm also not a big drinker anymore, unlike them).

    Thank you again. A day or two later I am feeling a bit better, but I am wary because I could slide back very easily. I just need, need, NEED to get myself sorted this time. Which is what I say EVERY time. Something needs to 'click' and start working. Either I need to accept that I HAVE made a lot of progress compared to my past (it feels a bit yuck saying that, like I'm boasting or something, but part of me also thinks it is true), or I need to get better. Ideally I want both. I am going to look at therapists next week. Fifth time lucky, I hope. The therapust I worked with recently seemed good (she worked with me on a traumatic childhood incident) but last time I saw her she didn't seem to take my problems seriously, so I'm not sure if to go back to her or not. I also feel that maybe I have so many traumatic incidents (since I am so sensitice (too senstive, as adults always criticised me), that it will take forever for me to heal. I am very intimidated by the process- I want to be content with my life NOW, not potentially 50 years from now, IF therapy goes well.

    Thank you again. I know I have written a lot, but it does help a lot and I appreciate everyone's replies. I will try to update later in the week, or even just for venting purposes.
     
  14. DragonChaser

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2021
    Messages:
    229
    Likes Received:
    348
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I was wondering to myself whether or not I should write anything here. Everyone else has said more eloquently what I would've already, so I didn't see much point in giving you five more paragraphs to read of the same things, only worse.

    With that said, obviously I settled on showing my support anyway, and maybe giving you a personal anecdote that I'll parley into some advice that helps me when I feel that way. I recently lost my job - about a week ago now - and, since I am displaced and have no lease, that could mean I sleep in my car for a month or more. My first impulse, after I'd gotten good and wasted, was "So, how exactly are we going to end this, 'cause I'm fuckin' done."

    And then I realized at least three people would be so brokenhearted, it would ruin their life for a while, if not outright, and many others would lose anything from their ability to enjoy the rest of the day to their composure to a small fragment of their hope in the world. And I'm not saying that because I'm special. Quite the opposite; I'm NOT special, and I'd still send ripples of agony through the people I love and care about, and thereby the world.

    Some people, in fact, do it for that very reason; punishing the people who love them for not saving them from their pain. I tell you that not as an option to consider, but because I know you don't want to do that.

    So next time it all seems so pointless, and you feel helpless, and you feel like nothing could ever matter again, just think about those people, think about how it would hurt them, and think - most of all - about why that matters to you. Why does it hurt you to think of them in pain? What do you value in them that makes you want to spare them from it?

    It won't save you from the sorrow, but you'll step back from the ledge for a minute. And that's how people like you and I stick around. We just... step back for a minute.

    Love you, honey, please stay strong!
     
    lottaotter, Rayland and Cinnamoon like this.
  15. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2021
    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    489
    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I will fully respond as soon as possible.
     
    DragonChaser likes this.
  16. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2021
    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    489
    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Jack is a bit of a nickname, only friends call me that irl. I don't use the name I like publicly for fear of my parents- honestly that's a bit paranoid of me probably but I have to be for now (it's a lot to explain). Anyway, you're not a nutcase, you're dealing with a lot and trying not to break under the weight of it.

    Panic attacks are not something I'm well versed on- I've had anxiety attacks a few times but those are a different animal entirely. I think the more you try to fix panic attacks the more they happen if I rember right- but don't take my word for it. It's the not having a cause that makes it panic attack rather than an anxiety attack I think. I'm sure there's someone here who knows way more about them than I would.

    As for the raising your self esteem, I know this sounds corny but saying positive things about yourself could be a good way to start. For example: "I'm in good shape." It doesn't have to be physical either. It could be about a skill you have, something about your personality (kindness), or something you're proud of accomplishing. Once you build up that confidence in yourself, making friends should be easier and come more naturally. I work with the public often and found myself in a scenario where I had to face my social anxiety if I wanted to do well- I've noticed that when I'm being even more down on myself than usual that social anxiety is much worse and the reverse is true as well (just thought I'd note that as an example).

    And don't feel bad for not answering other's posts, you needed support too, that's ok. And of course we care, this really is like a big family. You don't have to do this on your own, in fact, I'm encouraging you not to do this on your own. As for learning to love your body as is, I'm probably not the best person to ask being a pre-everything trans guy (so take what I say with a grain of salt)- but I've found it's just a bit easier when you find one positive thing about it. The only thing I currently like about my body is my arms, which have gained a lot of muscle thanks to my job, so that's where I'm trying to focus looking at when in front of a mirror or changing.

    Find a therapist that has experience working with abuse survivors and LGBTQIA+ people. Both of those take a toll on self esteem often- one because it's unwarranted maltreatment and that's the nature of the wounds it leaves, the other because it's a minority (a good therapist should know that, and help you with this).

    I really wish I could give you a hug, you seem like you need it. From what you've said, your friends either don't know what to say or do to help, or are being extremely inconsiderate. You don't have to hunting for any of that here at least, and I hope that's at least a little bit of solace to you.
     
  17. PrettyBoyBlue

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 1, 2015
    Messages:
    145
    Likes Received:
    186
    Location:
    NJ / USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    :point_up: This right here. These are all really good things to be working on and processing. Like I said, if it's any solace at all, I can identify with some of your experiences growing up, and I think you really are onto something important. What @TinyWerewolf said about self-esteem is a really great exercise too.

    Very happy to hear man! I hope you'll have a good time regardless of who you're with.
     
    #17 PrettyBoyBlue, Jun 10, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2022
  18. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am grateful that you did decide to write. Thank you. I am so sorry to hear what has happened to you. I feel useless because I don't know what advice to give you about it. Is it still possible to get a job without a fixed address where you live?

    I am a bit worried because to be completely honest the thought of punishing those around me does appeal to me sometimes. I can think logically, 'My parents probably love me, and some friends might be sad' but not 100% of my being believes that to be true. I am surrounded by people who have HUGE difficulties showing love and affection (can't think why I have problems...) and so I'm always on the fence about whether I would be missed. I am sorry if it sounds like I'm arguing with you. I can well believe my actions would be missed- people would have to start doing things for themselves- God forbid! Horror of horrors! ...but not me personally.

    I am going to leave it at that as I have a few more replies to get out before I get to bed. Thanks again.
     
    DragonChaser likes this.
  19. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Thank you. I am certain it's low self-esteem that's at the root cause of it. I never used to have memeories from early childhood, but I am remembering more and more over the last year or so and a lot of them explain a lot about why I was the way I was/am. A lot of the messages (direct and more subtle) I received as a child did not encourage me to see myself as having inherent worth. I'm unclear how to undo that early programming, and intimidated that it will take longer than I have.

    I will try to mention casually next time I go to the queer running group I am a part of that I have booked a ticket to Pride but don't have anyone to go with and hope someone says I can go with them. Just worried about the crowds/heavy drinking/drugs/loud music thing now. God I'm pathetic! These are all things I should enjoy.
     
    DragonChaser likes this.
  20. lottaotter

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 31, 2021
    Messages:
    384
    Likes Received:
    202
    Location:
    *
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I am getting better at stopping myself when I do have one. There are a lot of breathing techniques that often work OK. I didnt know there was a difference between anxiety attacks and panic attacks but that makes sense now.

    Thank you for the suggestion. It is no exaggeration to say that I feel physically sick when I even think about thinking something positive about myself. I am always worried someone will appear and laugh at me for it, and think up 10 reasons straight away why it's not true. However, there are times when I look at myself and I feel good. And it is a positive feedback loop in a way because when I allow myself (allow is the keyword) to feel good, or even sexy or attractive) I feel even better. After my past of being bullied because of how I look, it feels naughty and rebellious to like myself, or even be proud of the way I look. I have written myself a reminder to write down one thing I like about myself for the next week. In certain situations - like work - I have become good at hiding social anxiety and I'm known as someone who will talk to anyone, but in other situations (like the queer running group I joined, or any queer spaces) I feel uncontrollably nervous. I often don't feel like I deserve to be there.

    I will definitely look for a specialist therapist this time. So many say they are gay-friendly but really it means so little.

    Thank you again for being patient with me and taking the time to write your reply. I am trying to get back to people quickly so they don't worry but I have a guest staying at the moment with me so a lot of time is taken up entertaining (it is nice to have the company but I really need some time alone to process things and think of next steps).
     
    TinyWerewolf and DragonChaser like this.