Hopefully, I won't ramble too much. Many years ago, in college, I almost came out to my girlfriend. At the last second I chickened out. I was afraid of rejection, discrimination, disappointing people, AIDS, homophobia, being alone, and as an only child thought I owed my parents grandkids. Throw in being confused and unsure and a good dose of Catholic guilt I was sunk before I started. Several years later, I married and had two kids. We eventually divorced due to unrelated issues. I thought about coming out again but I convinced myself that my ex would use it against me, I would make the kids' life more difficult, and that no one would be interested in a divorced father of two in their mid-30's with dad bod. It was fear once again. I remarried again. I'm not sure of the true motivation, probably going with the flow and conforming to societal norms. Fortunately, it has gone well. I recently started therapy to deal with depression and a serious medical issue. I have come to realize that I need to deal with some stuff I don't want to. I'm exhausted from hiding part of myself, but I have no interest in running off to chase things that probably won't happen when I don't want to lose a life that I'm happy with.. Thoughts? Insights?
Hello and hopefully my own journey can assist in some way because I totally understand the sentiment . Is the grass greener on the “other side.” Point of reference I am now 62 , in excellent shape as was college athlete and most always tell me I look like I am in late 40’s so I feel blessed . Married for 34 years three adult kids now one grandchild . I started exploring with guys about 16 years ago , my wife discovered it and confronted me in 2016 to which I admitted it all and essentially came out to her then . We went thru plenty of therapy And agreed our marriage ended as we knew it but we really get along great and are great friends so we decided to stay together . That was five years ago and I still remain in a place where I have many thoughts of leaving to live that “authentic” life per say but candidly what they hell Does that mean . All I can say is everyone has their own unique situation , the thing that has been a savior is being open and honest . I still see guys some as have a few friends with benefits . I do think what would happen if we divorce and I just don’t see me starting a new life at 62 to be what society calls authentic. So all I say is be whoever you feel happy to be ! Hope this gives some hell in your journey
It does sound a little pop pysch, but for me living authentically is simply being myself without pretense.
I don’t have any actual advice. But I envy you for knowing you are gay and accepting it - I feel if I could know this and accept it I would be able to act from there accordingly. For what it’s worth I’m certain you can live an authentic life and find someone no matter your age/self image situation
Age has no bearing on living authentically . For me means being exactly who you are without reservations, shame or second guessing. It’s not necessary to change your life, fly an LGBTQ flag, find a boyfriend but rather know your own self well enough to acknowledge your feeling and emotions and honestly embrace your true sexuality first to yourself.
@Contented has it right. You decide who/what “authentic” means for you. Others can tell you their experience, but ultimately you determine your own authenticity. A quote from Dr Seuss: “Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Hi @bsg75apollo. You can see I'm new to this group so I won't be offering any advice, just some sharing. For nearly all the same reasons I have also been in the closet as a bi man my entire life. This group is the first I have ever come out to. Like you, I have grown children and a marriage that ended due to unrelated reasons. Now that I'm ready to share my heart again with another person the one thing I am fully committed to is being fully open. I have promised my next partner will know I am bi and be comfortable with it. I can not and will not live in secret ever again with my life partner. Sadly, I have never experienced a same-sex sexual encounter and worry I may regret not doing so. Still, I am again considerting perusing only women. At 60 my life is deeply rooted. I have loving family, wonderful friends, and a close community who all want happiness for me. Undoubtedly, they would accept me for who I am but I am not sure I am up to entering a whole new world this late in life. I have learned a lot from this group. First, there aren't requirements for being "bi" or anything else. I get to choose who I love, how I love, and who knows. I had assumed you had to be fully out to be fully authentic and self-accepting. It was life changing to hear I had the right to privacy. Thanks to EC, I'm rapidly embracing my sexuality and casting off decades of shame. The discovery that I can be both authentic AND private has taken a huge load off of my mind. And finally, as a bi person, I don't have to choose one sex or another. The person who makes me happy is the only thing that counts. It's very likely I will share this with my grown daughters. I want them to know who their father is. I want to be a good example about self acceptance. For all I know, one of them could be struggling with identity too. They must always feel safe knowing my love is boundless. Its too early in my journey to know if I will ever have a relationship with a guy. Part of me still hopes so. But sharing life with a women who loves me for everything I am would be equally fulfilling. I wish you peace and joy in your journey. You are not alone and thanks to you sharing your story, I feel less alone too.
I'm proud of you for reaching out on EC and I know it courage to do so. Please know that you're not alone as I can relate to a lot of what you posted.
