I don't know how to feel

Hello EC,

So I've been in a therapy a few weeks now and it's going well in terms of dealing with negative thought cycles,techniques for staying calm during intense emotions, etc. However, my therapist recommended that I would have to reach a level of acceptance in myself in order for my main issue of chronic insecurity to go away.

So in order to prepare for therapy, I've been opening up about cross-dressing on here. I don't really have anyone besides my therapist to talk to about it, I know it is very weird so sorry I'm just not sure where else to turn to. I like to wear lingerie mainly underwear meant for women. I also fantasize about wearing female swimwear but have never tried that. I have been this way since I was a young boy and I do not understand why. My therapist says that I most likely cannot make these thoughts and feelings go away. I fear that if I cannot stop that it may negatively affect my marriage. My husband knows but is not thrilled. I am not sure how to accept this about myself. It feels somewhat unfair that I am gay, have Asperger's, and these desires as well.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for with this post, maybe just to vent. I just feel a bit alone, from my own research it appears that most men who deal with this are straight. Also, and please I don't mean any disrespect, I am a bit worried about what this all means. I told my therapist about my mom telling me not to become a woman when I came out as gay and she asked if there was any possibility that I am transgender. I don't feel trapped in the wrong body but I do obviously like to express some femininity and I like getting my nails done(clear coat) and floral prints and other traditionally feminine things. I like my hair but sometimes wish it was straighter so it would fall down my shoulders when long instead of doing the semi-afro thing it does. I have long been a bit jealous of women and girls being able to naturally express their femininity without pushback. All this combined with my cross-dressing and I am scared that this could mean I am transgender. I know there is nothing wrong with being transgender; however having been "othered' for aspects of myself(like flapping my hands due to Asperger's) since before I could properly talk I honestly do not think I have the fortitude to be even more different than I already am. Sorry for ranting and sorry if this is disrespectful.

 

Hello @QuietPeace and @staticinmyattic. Thank you both for responding and for being kind about it. I am feeling a bit lost is all. I don't know why I'm like this and right now I feel more desire to dress than I have in over a decade. I tucked these things away when I started dating my husband over a decade ago. I just don't want to be rejected because of who I am. I didn't ask to have these issues.

Being a drag queen is about creativity and courage and that's something to be proud of. Being transgender is about being your true self and courage and that is something to be proud of. I don't think it's the same with me. QuietPeace is right, I'll never be out about this. I have seen a few other gay man ask about wearing panties on other sites and the responses from most other gay men were not kind. So I don't really fit in my own community.

I have thought about being female before but more as a curiosity than a need. The only time I got a bit serious about it was when I was 12 and the praying for 6 months for me to like girls more than boys was not working; so for the next 6 months I prayed to wake up a girl so my attractions would be normal. Of course that did not work either. So I'm not really a part of the trans community either. I just want to fit somewhere, I do not want to be out here alone.

 

Thank you for your replies. I'm okay, I just wish I understood more about why I'm like this. I do wish I had the courage to express my femininity(not just the panties) more openly but I have a lot of shame from my family trying to police me when I was little. I sometimes do wish certain things about me were more feminine-looking but I don't know if I am trans. I would make for a horrible looking woman without extensive surgeries. I just want to be myself without it ruining my relationships.

 

I'm physically safe, my husband would never hurt me in that way. I am afraid he would want to leave me if I ever told him things about wanting to be more feminine. He has said things about being gay and thus not wanting to have a femme partner in any way in the past. I'm not even that femme-presenting save for my twisted preoccupation with lingerie. I was more masculine, or rather projected more masculinity, when I met him but I hadn't been openly gay for that long and so was too insecure to be myself fully. I, I just want these feelings to stop. I want to be a normal gay man.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend with the "normal" word. I'm just upset. I don't know what I need. I don't think I'm really a woman but I know that I don't have the right characteristics to be a "traditional" man either. Also, my husband would continue to love me as a person and would be supportive of me emotionally/mentally I don't want to imply he would not be. But he does find overly femme presentation to be unattractive and I don't think he can help that. So I think at the very least our marriage would drastically change if not end and I know I do not want that. It's so stupid to think my life would fall apart just because I have some silly hangup about underwear.

 

Thank you. I know logically I should not be ashamed but it is hard to grapple with. I think I have a lot of shame around being perceived as feminine.

So I have trans people that I love in my life and I personally think the LGB should do more to support our T sisters/brothers/persons. This is especially true because, at least in the US, conservative politicians are hammering trans people now that the battle of same-sex marriage has been clearly lost by them. However, for me personally I really hope I am not truly a woman. My husband would be understanding and want to remain friends but our marriage would almost certainly end and this would be devastating to me. Plus although the rest of my family accepts me being gay, trans would be a significantly harder pill for them to swallow. I think I am a man...just a gay man with some feminine qualities and proclivities. The love of my life is trying, but wishes I did not have these proclivities. Not because he is a bad man or wishes for me to hurt, quite the opposite. But he is gay. Feminine things do not get him hot and bothered. So I get it. I did tell him when we first started dating, but I did downplay how bad it was. I thought I could just step away from all this. I've gone years ignoring these thoughts. But they are stronger than ever now and I quite honestly do not know what the hell I am going to do.

 

Lol, as long as the shade is witty I might could stand that. Plus if I can get past the shame, no tea no shade I guess.

 

Thank you everyone. I feel better today. I get very emotional sometimes and get caught up in that. My last message about not wanting to be trans...I'm real sorry, I shouldn't have said something disrespectful like that. I was letting myself get too upset. I have some gender expression that is a bit strange for a cis male but I'm pretty sure that is what I am. I thought about it, and I think most of the hurt comes from others questioning my manhood just because I have certain traits. So again, thank you everyone for responding. I really appreciate that I can talk about things that are very hard for me to talk about IRL and get such fantastic support from wonderful people.